When two people get together, decisions need to be made about shared finances. But what about the money one partner brings into the relationship?
Is there a requirement to share with their partner or their family after they become a couple?
A woman who doesn't think there's a requirement to share turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Amazing_Box_3511 shared:
"Future ex-fiancé is angry because I don't want to share my son's money."
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (35,female) met my fiancé 2 years ago. My son (4) gets on well with him, and my ex-husband (my son's father) also likes him."
"Now to the point: 3 years ago, I won a large sum of money in the lottery. Not millions, but enough for a nice life if I work normally and a good start for my son later."
75% went into a savings account that my son will have access to when he's 21. My fiancé always thought he had plenty of money and never let me correct him."
"I insisted on a prenuptial agreement, and for that, the finances were disclosed. Now the amount in my son's savings account is about 5 times more than anything my fiancé has."
"Completely enraged, he left the lawyer's office and ignored all calls for 2 days. For me, that was the end of the relationship, and I wrote to him saying that he could have the ring back."
"A week later, he was at the door. He loved me but was in shock and now wanted details of where the money had come from."
"He also told me that he had a 5-year-old daughter from a previous relationship and that it would only be fair to split the money so that his daughter could also benefit from it. He sees it as justified, as I got the money through luck and not through performance."
"I gave him back the engagement ring and kicked him out of my apartment."
"Since then, I've been getting messages from various social media profiles and cell phone numbers that I would be the AH who is ruining his daughter's future."
"I only found out about his daughter that day. I never saw any photos or anything like that in the past years."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not in the wrong.
"What? Your ex-fiancé suddenly has a 5-year-old daughter? Whom you never met, let aloneee you never knew." ~ Healthy_Glove2045
"This alone is a reason to break up." ~ Jolly-Vacation1529
"All sorts of random family come out of the weeds when people have money." ~ ICPcrisis
"NTA. You dodged a nuke. Go treat you and your son to a fun day. The level of entitlement is stunning."
"Just remember..... not your child. Not his money. .... the trash took itself out." ~ ToldU2UrFace
"Definitely. I just can't imagine what kind of mindset causes someone to get enraged and storm out upon finding out their fiancé has more money stashed away than assumed and it was going towards their child."
"I'd have been popping champagne that they showed so much fiscal responsibility and common sense." ~ corneilleius
"It's HER money. I'm actually in an extremely similar situation."
"My stepmom inherited a large sum of money from her parents. I won't state the sum, but it's enough to where it would set someone up for a nice life as long as they continued working."
"If you want a better idea of this, it's enough to where someone could pay for four years at an Ivy, with enough left over to buy a modest home."
"As my stepmom already had enough for retirement, she put it directly into trust funds for her (bio) daughter and (bio) granddaughters. She knew she'd never get her hands on a sum like that again."
"While yeah, it would be nice to have some, I fully understand why I won't get any of it. It's not my money, and I have zero right to it, as it's her family's money."
"It was left to her with the understanding that it would eventually go to her bio kid and bio grandkids. My stepmother is warm and loving to me, and has helped guide me into being a better person, which is honestly priceless."
"She's also been very generous with me as far as holiday and birthday gifts go. I would never betray her by throwing a fit and trying to demand access to something that was never meant to be mine."
"But that's exactly what OP's fiancé is trying to do here, which is why I find it particularly disgusting and appalling." ~ SquirrelGirlVA
"NTA. Wow…. I don't know why he thought admitting to hiding a daughter for TWO YEARS and then that you give her a trust fund for her would win you back OP, but damn!!!!"
"Also I want to know when he planned to reveal the daughter if he hadn't found out about the trust , I'm think he was definitely going to disclose that after the wedding when he thought he had OP locked down."
"Lastly, I'm actually seriously thinking op that the daughter is completely fictional and he actually spent the last two days setting up a way to siphon money for his daughter's trust account."
"I would bet money the second the account was set up, and she would 'pass away' or suddenly have a slew of medical bills that needed to be paid from the trust."
"This dude is shifty AF." ~ Vegetable-Cod-2340
"Neither keeping his daughter a secret nor making one up to get half your money is a desirable action in a fiancé. I'm glad he's now your ex." ~ Stock-Cell1556
"Forget the money. That's nothing compared to the huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩that a man OP dated for 2 years, became engaged to, and is planning a wedding with conveniently forgot to mention a daughter." ~ Beautiful_Bag6707
"Real question is: does he actually have a daughter? Because it sounds real fishy that he brought up a child after OP disclosed how much money her son's savings account has. Either way, NTA." ~ Merely_Dreaming
"Imagine being engaged to someone before finding out that they have a child? Either one is grounds for a breakup. This dude sounds like a real winner. Offering the ring back is a serious power move—says 'I don't need you'." ~ Wonderful-Bass6651
"People do really crazy sh*t for money. Especially lottery money because, like he stated, it isn't 'earned' (and in their smooth brain, that apparently means it should somehow be community cash). Girl, never look back." ~ ManageConsequences
"Isn't that info public? The lotto stuff? Could he have been playing some long con all this time and blew it at the last second (or was trying to emotionally manipulate her with stonewalling, emotional blackmailing, the 'I have a kid, too!' story) when he realized that the money wouldn't be as accessible as he'd imagined? Maybe I've watched too much crime drama." ~ UnicornBoned
"Money aside… he didn't mention he had a daughter until after you were engaged? (If she even exists). He sounds like a scammer."
"He assures you he has 'plenty of money', is charming so you, your son, and your ex like him, has no problem with the prenup because he expected you to cave and share your money, and has reacted very badly at being denied."
"You have dodged a huge bullet by breaking up with him. Your life with him would be constantly dealing with him trying to get your money." ~ Realistic-Animator-3
"I think he missed his calling as a tellanovella screen writer—'but WAIT! I have a child TOO! Which means we should split your son's money. It's only fair...' And actually think that sounds believable. NTA." ~ Special_Lychee_6847
"Another red flag—finances are one of those major things that you ALWAYS need to have a good, long conversation about when things get serious. If he was brushing off that conversation, there was something shady going on with his own finances—like he doesn't nearly have the funds he presents himself as having."
"I don't care if the man is going to be supporting me. We need to know where we both are with finances and debt."
"He needs to know if he's going to be assuming responsibility for your car note, your house note, your credit card debt, your student loans........ or if you have some massive pile of funds he won't be able to touch........ or if he really won't need to be the man because your family is fabulously wealthy." ~ Upset-Stomach519
The OP later added:
"Yes, for me this relationship is over. I'm just shocked at the games he's playing now."
"I still haven't found out whether he really has a daughter or whether he made it up so he could disappear with half the money."
Reddit was clear the OP owed her ex-fiancé nothing. But it sounds like the OP has already taken the steps overwhelmingly suggested by Redditors—ending this relationship.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.