Content Warning: Menstruation, Period-Shaming, Sexism
Sometimes when people with children from previous relationships start dating, everything will seem to be going well, their kids will get along well, and they’ll have a good impact on each other’s lives.
But then they might realize that they have fundamentally different beliefs about a key issue, which could ruin the entire relationship dynamic, cringed the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Kindly-Image-7843 thought that everything was going well with her boyfriend, his two daughters, and her son.
But when her boyfriend demanded that his older daughter not bring up concerns about puberty at the dinner table, the Original Poster (OP) couldn’t help but see red marinara flags start flying.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for how I reacted when my boyfriend told his daughter it was rude to talk about her period at the dinner table?”
The OP realized her boyfriend’s stance on periods during a family dinner.
“I (41 Female) have a son (13 Male) from a previous marriage. My boyfriend (39 Male) has two daughters (17 Female) and (14 Female) from a previous marriage.”
“We were all having dinner together. His older daughter mentioned that her face is breaking out because she’s on her period.”
“My boyfriend told her it’s rude to talk about her period at the dinner table and said that my son had probably lost his appetite.”
“My son said he was fine, and he said she was pretty despite the breakouts.”
“I told my boyfriend that in our family, we’re okay with period talk.”
The OP’s boyfriend didn’t appreciate the OP’s feedback.
“Later that night, my boyfriend said I made him look like a fool in front of his daughters.”
“He said if this is going to work, we can’t undermine each other in front of our respective kids.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that if the daughter had gone into graphic detail, this would be a completely different story.
“Graphic descriptions at the table? No, thank you.”
“Literally just mentioning and acknowledging the existence of periods? Who cares?”
“NTA. This dude needs to learn from this instead of just getting defensive and making ultimatums.”
“Also, if you’re ‘gonna make it work,’ he needs to realize all three children will be BOTH of your children…” – Snoozems
“NTA. It’s not like the girl went into detail.”
“This just shows that OP is doing a good job making sure that her son is understanding and knowledgeable about women’s bodies, which is more than her boyfriend’s parents did.” – irish_ninja_wte
“NTA. He undermined his daughter. And used OP’s son to do so. He’s just p**sed that he rightly got called out for it.”
“OP, look hard at your boyfriend’s behavior. And not just on this one occasion. Consider his views on other things. And think really hard about whether having him in your son’s life long-term is a good idea. Your son has a good head on his shoulders. Don’t let some dude with outdated ideas come in and mess that up.”
“And one other thing. This wasn’t dinner with the queen. This was a 17-year-old girl feeling vulnerable and sharing that with her family. Your son understood the assignment and gave her the reassurance she needed. It’s a shame her father didn’t.”
“Usually I’d say that this is a red flag, but since it happened at dinner, I’ll call it a marinara flag.” – PS_is_BS
“I wouldn’t want to hear a graphic description of any bodily fluid at the table, but if just mentioning periods makes you lose your appetite… weird. We shouldn’t make girls feel like they should be ashamed of something so natural. NTA.” – sleepyplatipus
“I’m here shaking my head because back in the early 90s, my Dad (who was part of the Boomer generation but wasn’t a typical Boomer, thank heaven) had a full-on discussion about pads and tampons with Mom, myself, and my little brother present at the dinner table.”
“He was going to do the shop that week and wanted to make sure he got the right products for my Mom and me because, in his words, ‘I defer to those who are having the periods because you have to use the products.'”
“I think he was also trying to understand all the options available. It was a sweet and open conversation. No weirdness. I was very fortunate that our family was open and didn’t shame others for normal things our bodies go through.” – Scorp128
Others agreed and were glad the OP and her son stood up for the daughter.
“NTA. This just shows OP’s son is fine, and OP is doing well as a parent. I can’t really say the same about the boyfriend, though.”
“It’s a good thing that both OP and her son stood up for the boyfriend’s daughter, because the boyfriend’s reaction seriously sounds like he thinks periods are grossing him out, like one of those guys who feel ashamed going to the supermarket buying feminine hygiene products.” – ZeisUnwaveringWill
“Can we talk about not putting words into our children’s mouths?!?! NTA. And I’d let him know if this is going to work, he won’t make presumptive statements about your son.”
“By the way, he handled it like a gentleman and beautifully rebuffed the comment by complimenting his stepsister.” – Bibliophile_w_coffee
“NTA. He just got out-manned by a 13-year-old boy, that’s why he’s embarrassed.”
“Good job with raising your son, he sounds like a lovely young man. I feel for those two girls having such a massive baby for a father.” – Ok-somewhere-911
“Kudos on such a thoughtful kid. I am sure she appreciated his compliment. Your boyfriend is raising girls who will grow up embarrassed by something natural.”
“My 15-year-old son takes care of his 12-year-old sister the way your son does. Support each other and love each other.”
“I’d be worried that not only would he not encourage love and support between the siblings, but he wouldn’t hold himself to a high enough standard to love and support you in sickness and in health. Really think about this before moving forward.” – Allalngthewatchtwer
“I think people don’t understand HOW impactful sexist men are in young boys’ lives. I was pretty secluded from it growing up. It was only when we got a step-dad that I started getting comments about masculinity and being called slurs. Then I made friends with boys when I was a teenager after having only girl friends, and their dads all said the same foul s**t. So they all repeated it.”
“I cannot emphasize how much that boys and toxic masculinity are NOT inherently the norm. Boys are TAUGHT how to behave that way by the constant barrage of sexism and homophobia that the older men in their lives teach them. It’s easy to think, ‘Oh, it’s just how it is,’ but I grew up without any of that and then was subjected to it at around 10-year-olds, and it was very, very jarring.”
“Do not let people get away with this stuff around your kids.” – Frequent-Mistake-97
“Honestly, if I were the OP, I think I’d be having some serious thoughts about whether this is the type of male influence I want for my young, impressionable son. He sounds like a sweetheart at the moment, and it’d be a shame for that to be tainted by OP’s insecure, man-child boyfriend.” – OhCrumbs96
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
“After seeing the post and comments, my boyfriend changed his perspective. He apologized.”
“He said whether we continue dating or just be friends, he wants me and my son to be in his daughters’ lives. He said his daughters like me and my son so much already.”
“He said that his problems with periods are his problem. He said he didn’t even like hearing about his former wife’s periods. He said he doesn’t want his daughters to have the same attitude or to raise them with the same attitude.”
“Just minutes ago, he told me a story about when he was like eight, he saw his then 12-year-old sister with blood on her pants. It freaked him now, and since then, he has been weird about periods. The way he described his mother explaining to him what periods are made them sound unnecessarily scary.”
“The girls are at school, and they stay with their mom on the weekdays. My son is also at school. My boyfriend has agreed to talk to and apologize to my son after school today, and he said he will go to his ex’s home when the girls come home and apologize to them, too.”
“He also agreed to individual therapy, and possibly couples, if it seems needed after he starts individual. Neither he nor I are excusing his behavior, but I can sympathize with why periods make him so uncomfortable.”
“The way my boyfriend’s mom made periods seem was, unfortunately, unnecessarily scary. Either his mom was misinformed herself about periods, or she was deliberately trying to traumatize him. He needs a safe space to unlearn and process all of this, so he can raise his daughters, and possibly my son, the way he wants to, not the way he feels compelled to.”
The subReddit was concerned by how the OP’s boyfriend treated his own daughters and his lack of empathy toward his elder daughter during a vulnerable time.
The OP clearly had some things to think about, as he could have a terrible influence on her thoughtful son, but it would be so easy for his apathetic and sexist beliefs to transfer into their potential future marriage, which isn’t something anyone should sign up for if they know that it’s already a possibility.