Weddings can be far more stressful than people let on.
There are so many details to figure out.
One of the most important details is the fashion.
What is everyone wearing?
That makes or breaks it all.
Dressing in accordance with the bride's choices is a must.
If people deviate... then there are issues.
Case in point...
Redditor DesignedBasic wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for having my niece's dress photoshopped because she wore white to my wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I (30 F[emale]) got married, yay!"
"Honestly, it was my dream wedding, everything went off without a hitch."
"Except for one small thing; my niece's (16) dress."
"It was a white, lacy knee-length dress."
"She even wore lace elbow-length gloves!"
"Honestly, it looked just like a wedding dress."
"I didn't say anything to her or her parents (my brother and S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]) at the moment, and I tried my best to ignore it."
"But when I got the first drafts back from our photographer, I couldn't stand when I saw her in her white dress standing next to me."
My husband saw how upset I was and suggested that we pay extra to get my niece's dress photoshopped to a light blue."
"We thought it through, and since we had some budget left, we went for it."
"Well, last week, we got the final photos back, and they looked great!"
"I could hardly even tell that my niece was originally wearing white, and she still looked really nice."
"I posted some of the photos on social media, and my SIL messaged me and was angry that I photoshopped my niece without checking with her (my SIL) first."
"She accused me of thinking my niece was ugly and of body-shaming her."
"To be clear, I did not have her body photoshopped, only the color of her dress and gloves."
"Small clarification: the picture I posted was a large group shot that my niece is in."
"I wasn't trying to showcase the Photoshop at all."
"I don't think I'm in the wrong, but this situation has been stressing me out, so AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. If she didn't want the dress to be photoshopped, she shouldn't have let her daughter attend a wedding in a lacy white dress!"
"The nerve of that woman!" ~ Chaos-in-a-CookieJar
"SIL is ticked."
"She's probably the one who helped pick the dress and gloves and encouraged this."
"Niece may not know, doubtful at her age in 2023 but SIL did." ~ amagivictoria
"Exactly this."
"SIL knew that she couldn't wear a white dress to upstage OP without getting side-eyes so she had her 16-year-old daughter wear it so they could plead ignorance."
"She knows exactly why her daughter's dress was photoshopped and she's going to pretend like she thinks it was her daughter who was photoshopped so that she can pick the fight she always wanted." ~ tenpercentofnothing
"Oh yeah, SIL is just salty her plan or niece's plan to draw attention to herself was able to be photoshopped."
"So that the pics won't be an eternal reminder to OP that she or her niece were self-centered jerks."
"Who couldn't handle NOT being the center of attention for one day."
"Smart move OP, and you know you're NTA." ~ Jedisilk015
"Yeah, she knew what she was doing so she has no say if there are some consequences, as minimal as they were."
"Obviously she was afforded the grace of not having a big stink at the wedding already."
"But it's not her wedding, not her pictures, and not her call on the Photoshopping. NTA." ~ Willing_Violinist745
"NTA! Maybe OP's niece doesn't know proper wedding etiquette yet, but SIL definitely knows."
"SIL ends up being the one that looks like the AH to everyone though, don't worry OP."
"No one else would think anything of the color change for YOUR wedding photos, except someone looking for a reason to be an AH." ~ Mithrellas
"Kill them with kindness!"
"Since she was obviously too young to know about the faux pas, we didn't say anything, we just went ahead and paid to have it photoshopped."
"That way, MY WEDDING pictures weren't ruined, and she didn't have to feel bad when she figured out that it's very impolite to wear white to a wedding."
"We thought we were doing the right thing for everyone."
"Pretty funny that she wanted you to ask her permission to photoshop the picture but she didn't get your permission for her daughter to wear a wedding dress to YOUR WEDDING."
"NTA - I think you handled it as tastefully as possible, considering that it bothered you." ~ F**kMeInParticular
"In case it's helpful, the bride really might not have cared."
"I would have assumed a 15-year-old didn't know that rule, and a sundress isn't something you can normally confuse for a wedding dress--that wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest."
"I definitely wasn't interested in letting anything minor like that interfere with my enjoyment of my wedding regardless."
"My now-stepmom wore white, and I was annoyed for like a second and then figured that maybe that wasn't a rule in the extremely rural area she was from."
"Then my grandma showed up in a light cream skirt and blazer, and there's no way I'm going to get annoyed at my grandma!"
"I didn't think about it again the rest of my wedding day, and it actually ended up looking fantastic in the family photos--very coordinated when there hadn't been any plan to do that."
"Anyway, I think if anyone thought badly of you for wearing a white sundress to a wedding when you were only 15 and had no idea, they're a huge jerk."
"Be kind to yourself and please stop feeling ashamed about it!" ~ Anat1313
"She's probably the one who helped pick the dress."
"Yeah, SIL was behind this stunt."
"It's entirely possible the niece didn't realize wearing white to a wedding is an absolute no-no, and the fact SIL didn't ask her to change says everything."
"The fact SIL is throwing a hissy fit for changing the color of the dress and trying to manipulate the situation by claiming she's body-shaming her."
"WTF? This makes zero sense!"
"It makes me think SIL is jealous of OP or the wedding and she orchestrated this whole thing to ruin the wedding without having to deal with being judged if she had been the one to show up in a white dress (but I bet she wanted to!)
"OP, make sure to be proactive about explaining why you changed the photos."
"SIL is going to start making outlandish accusations to your relatives and mutual acquaintances to try to twist the situation and make you look like the asshole. "
"But you're not, your SIL is (and possibly the daughter, I'm not sure)! ~ Alarmed_Jellyfish555
"My spidey sense says the white dress was a deliberate affront, and when you finessed around it they got more combative and made up a grievance. NTA." ~ Traveling-Techie
"NTA. And this could be more deliberately nasty than the women who personally wear white to ruin the bride's day."
"If SIL chose to have the niece wear a white dress —-What is the bride going to do?"
"Yell at a teenager? Kick out a teenager?"
"Throw red wine on her niece?"
"OP, have you had other problems with SIL?" ~ The_Badb_Catha
"NTA. They were wrong to have her wearing white to a wedding, to begin with."
"Instead of getting mad and making a scene, you and your husband used logic (and technology) to fix the problem in the photos. Great thinking!" ~ alv269
"NTA! She wore white to your wedding?!"
"How thick-skulled do you have to be - and no one corrected her before arriving?"
"That's insane I would've made her leave and change. NTA." ~ Ok-Climate553
"NTA and your SIL aren't stupid."
"She knows why the dress color was photoshopped."
"Does your SIL dislike you?"
"It is the only reason I could think of why she wouldn't have told her daughter to change dress color."
"Everyone knows only the bride wears white to a wedding." ~ Such-Awareness-2960
"Yes, and in my opinion that's key in how OP should approach the situation here."
"OP: don't be drawn into arguments or explanations about your reasoning."
"You can't 'prove' your motives to them and they'll keep moving the goalposts."
"It was inappropriate to wear a white lacy dress to our wedding."
"So we just changed the color of the dress."
"What were YOUR motives in choosing that dress?" ~ Zoenne
"That was my thought, 16 is still young but you're old enough to know something like not wearing white to a wedding, especially a dress with long lace elbow-length gloves."
"Even more so, the parents would recognize the insult of wearing something like that to their sibling's wedding."
"Makes me wonder if the SIL encouraged it to get under OP's skin and cause a fight, then got extra salty where a scene wasn't made and OP quietly resolved everything."
"She took the high road and simultaneously made the niece look inoffensive in the photos without saying anything to anyone. Hard NTA." ~ FishoftheNorth
"NTA, you didn't change your niece's body or face, you just switched the color slightly to make it less obvious she'd worn white to a wedding."
"Her parents should have known it was unsuitable." ~ DaysOfRoses
Well, OP, sounds like Reddit understands you're actions.
It was your special day, and they are your photos
Congrats on the nuptials.
And good luck with the fam.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp