The arrival of a baby is a blessing and a monumental event that extended family members would want to be a part of.
One Redditor is thrilled for their brother and sister-in-law (SIL) who are expecting their first child in the coming months.
However, that excitement was eclipsed by a developing expectation concerning out-of-town family members.
Our Redditor’s reaction to the situation led them to seek judgment on the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor TAPrevious_Giraffe_7 asked:
“AITA for not letting my sister-in-law’s family stay with me after she gives birth?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Using a throwaway account. My brother and his wife are expecting their first child this summer. My sister-in-law is from a different country and her first trimester was not easy and I know that she misses her family a lot.”
“Her parents are planning to stay with them for a year when the baby is born (with a quick trip home in between so they don’t overstay their visa). She was thrilled that they could do this.”
“She recently asked if her sister and her sister’s family (husband and two children under the age of 6) could also come out with her parents and stay with me because they won’t all fit at their house. But she wants them to stay for 6 months.”
The OP continued:
“I asked if maybe they could do 2-3 weeks or even a month but she wasn’t happy about that at all because she really wants her sister to be here to help too.”
“AITA for thinking that this is unreasonable and feeling imposed upon? Her family would not be able to drive and I live 30 minutes away from my brother and I work so I wouldn’t be able to drive them to see her every day and I don’t think my brother will have time to pick them up every day.”
“Technically I have the space. But I like my quiet time and having four people that I’ve never met stay with me for six months feels overwhelming. They don’t speak English so it would also be a little awkward in the beginning, I think.”
The OP described the conditions they would be dealing with everyone living under one roof.
“The plan is to homeschool the older child while they’re here (the younger one isn’t school age yet). I don’t fully understand the husband’s job but apparently he’s able to do it remotely. That would mean he’s on calls and video meetings in the middle of the night though.”
“I understand that it’s hard to have a baby so far from your family and I want to be supportive of my sister in law. I’ve been firm in my stance that a 6 month visit is too long but she’s pretty upset with me and her and my brother haven’t been speaking to me for a couple of weeks now so I’m wondering if I’m just being cruel or selfish here.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA. If she wants them here, she can pitch up the money for 6 months in a rental. It’s totally unreasonable to expect you to house another family for that length of time.” – New-Razzmatazz2148
“Seriously! 6 months is a frickin’ lease! I love these posts where someone is wildly and inappropriately imposing (or trying to) on the OP and when OP reasonably says no or even yes, with a caveat, the requester has the unmitigated gall to call OP selfish or, in this case, stop speaking to them! What do they really hope to accomplish by not speaking to them?”
“OP, you’re NTA but I suspect you don’t stand up for yourself forcefully or you’re used to being the one to ‘keep the peace’ by agreeing or going along, to the detriment of your own plans, expectations, etc. That’s why brother is doing this – he knows you’ll capitulate, eventually.”
“It’s time to polish up your spine and turn it around completely on him. If they ask again, be dismissive and then indignant, ‘What? Are you seriously asking again? LOL! C’mon, even you know that this request is an extreme imposition for anyone but especially for me, since I don’t know them, they don’t drive and I won’t be a chauffeur, and I don’t want 4 people staying with me for what would qualify as a longterm rental, especially with 2 kids! If they can’t all fit at your house, they should consider taking turns being out here. Please don’t ask again.'”
“If he does ask again or keeps arguing with you, just be firm, ‘I’ve said no and the topic is no longer up for discussion.’ If they can’t stop asking or rounding up family members to hound you, just stop responding at all. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.” – geckotatgirl
“NTA and what the actual *%#??? I appreciate your SIL has had a hard time, but that is an incredible imposition on you. I couldn’t imagine doing that for one month, much less for six!!!”
“And so many questions, for example—Would they pay for the extra utility costs you’ll incur during their stay? Surely they would pay for and cook their own food, right? Gas if you have to drive them? If the answer is ‘no’ or a ‘we’d figure it out’ to any of these, all the more reason to say no.”
“I would stand firm and ignore any guilt tripping. Anyone who suggests it’s not a big deal is welcome to host them and lose their personal space for six months.” – majesticgoatsparkles
“NTA.”
“This is a huge imposition on you and your family for 6 months. A week? Sure. Two weeks? Maybe. Six months? Hell no. Airbnbs exist for a reason. You’re not a hotel. If they can’t fit in their home, they can visit after the parents are gone (a year later) or they can stay elsewhere or stay shorter. Also, do they not have jobs or can they work remotely for 6 months?” – archetyping101
“Her sister is a stay-at-home mom but the husband has a job that allows him to work remotely though he’ll have to be on calls and video meetings all day which is the middle of the night here.” – OP
“NTA.”
“She is making an unreasonable ask. It surprises me that some people think others have to bend over backward for them because they have children, you are family, or you didn’t make their choices (like having kids, pets, inviting family over).”
“She misses her family and she will have her parents around to help, which in my opinion is already a huge sacrifice by her parents but their decision, they are probably happy to be with their new grandchild.”
“Asking the entire family to stop their lives for 6 months already sounds crazy to me, but again, it’s their choice and maybe they are happy to do it. But I don’t think it’s right to put you in the middle of it.”
“She is asking you to have them for 6 months straight. But as you stated, if the idea is for her to have her family around, who would be driving them? Who would be responsible for the children being homeschooled? How would you split grocery shopping and chores?”
“Who would watch the kids while they are not studying if the husband works and the wife will be helping the sister? Will the husband be quiet enough for you to rest and sleep while he works the nights? How exactly will he help your SIL if he has to sleep during the days?”
“They are taking advantage of your position and will say you are selfish because you have the space, you don’t have children in the house, you are out working most of the day, etc. Truth is they are not entitled to your things and certainly not to change your lifestyle.”
“And tbh, this entire situation sounds a little shady. Maybe I am being overly suspicious but sounds to me like they plan on staying long term, probably in your house and guilt-trip you into letting them since they have small children and nowhere to go.”
“You don’t need any other reason than you not wanting to, to say no.” – Dizzy-Potato3557
“This is exactly how I’m feeling about it all. To be honest, even just her parents coming out for a year sounded like a lot for my brother whose household was going to go from two people to five almost overnight without any opportunity for the new parents to work out their routine and spend time together just with the baby.”
“But if that’s what they wanted, then I was glad it could work out. But I don’t understand why I also have to upend my space and life for 6 months to accommodate theirs.” – OP
In an update, the OP wrote:
“Thank you so much everyone for your comments and for helping me to feel much better that I was not being unreasonable. I’m reading through all the comments but wanted to reply to a few ideas that many had shared.”
“My brother and SIL cannot afford a short-term rental, nor can her family. But beyond that, in her culture, it would be considered rude to put them up somewhere else if family can accommodate them.”
“I believe they briefly looked at AirBNBs and short-term rentals but in addition to the expense, her family’s lack of permanent status for that long of a stay might have been a concern for some (not sure of exact details or convos and maybe they just told me that to make it seem like they had no other option) but bottom line, they can’t afford it.”
“Thank you to all who pointed out some of the potential legal issues with the husband working remotely here on a tourist visa, and the sticky situations that could come out of being here for so long. I had not considered that and I really appreciate the advice.”
“If she were to go back to her home country with the baby instead of everyone coming here, my brother could only stay for a few weeks. And ironically, her family doesn’t have room for them to stay with them.”
Overall, Redditors believed the financial restraints facing the SIL’s family were not the OP’s responsibility.
Furthermore, they believed that the OP should stand firm on their decision to refuse to accommodate them as the extended visit was a very presumptuous ask.