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Mom Of Three Called ‘Selfish’ For Refusing To Postpone Hysterectomy To Be Surrogate For Sister

Pregnant woman
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Content Warning: Pregnancy Complications, Hysterectomy, Infertility, Surrogacy 

The common milestones of growing up, like getting married, buying a house, and raising a family, are often used as measures of “success” and “happiness.”

But someone’s desire to “succeed” at these milestones should not come at the expense of someone else’s health and wellness, pointed out the folks in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor Maleficent-Feeling22 was in the middle of her third pregnancy, and between having complicated pregnancies and a concerning menstruation history, she was planning on having a hysterectomy during the arrival of her last baby.

But her sister and brother-in-law wanted her to wait to have the hysterectomy and go through another pregnancy instead, so that the Original Poster (OP) could be a surrogate for them.

She asked the sub:

“AITAH because I won’t delay having a hysterectomy after the birth of my baby so I can be a surrogate for my sister and brother-in-law?”

The OP was planning to have a hysterectomy due to a variety of issues.

“I (28 Female) am having my third (and final) child with my husband and I have a scheduled Caesarean section and hysterectomy planned.”

“My periods started when I was young (age nine) and I have suffered with them ever since. They’re extremely painful, heavy, and (very, unusually) long.”

“I wasn’t even sure if I could get pregnant with my issues, but I knew I wanted children, so I delayed even when the option was originally presented to me. It was worth it, but these extra years have been torture on my body.”

The OP’s sister was struggling with infertility and was beginning to be a surrogate.

“My sister (31 Female) is struggling with infertility. She’s had some fertility treatments but nothing has worked for her yet.”

“It was suggested to her on more than one occasion that she could consider a surrogate. She was very against it for so long.”

“In another situation, one where I didn’t have all the problems I have, I would have offered for her because we’re so close. But I need to be done. I don’t know if I’ll honestly survive like I have been if I wait another couple of years or more so my sister can have kids.”

Despite needing to get the hysterectomy, the OP’s sister asked her to wait.

“In December, my sister came right out and asked me not to have the hysterectomy yet and to be her surrogate so she could be a mother, too.”

“I told her I was so sorry and if my body wasn’t giving me the h**l it is, I’d do it for her, but I couldn’t delay it any longer.”

“She got upset but told me it was fine and she understood. She’d get over it. I could tell it bothered her but I didn’t want to fight about it.”

The OP’s brother-in-law (BIL) shamed her for not prioritizing her sister’s needs.

“Then Christmas came, and my BIL got involved. Our whole family was together on Christmas Day, and when everyone was busy he asked to speak to me alone.”

“He berated me for my selfishness, and he said if I loved my sister as much as I said, I’d delay it like I did for my own selfish reasons.”

“My husband and my mom heard him, and they stepped in to defend me, and my husband told my BIL to back off and nobody should ever be put under pressure to carry a pregnancy.”

“Mom said emotions might be high around it but none of this is my fault and he shouldn’t attack me like that.”

“BIL told them I broke my sister’s heart and he was p**sed at me for it.”

“My mom told him again that it wasn’t my fault.”

The family was divided over the issue.

“The rest of Christmas Day was strained and afterward, my sister told me she was sorry about her husband, but they were just so upset and they felt robbed of having a baby biologically related to the two of them.”

“I told her I was so sorry and I was here if she needed me.”

“My BIL reached out and said my sister might be sorry but he still thinks I’m incredibly selfish.”

“AITAH?”

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

  • NTA: Not the A**hole
  • YTA: You’re the A**hole
  • ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
  • NAH: No A**holes Here

Some reassured the OP that she had the right to say no and prioritize her health. 

“NTA. She’s not entitled to your womb. It’s terrible for her and her husband to pressure you.” – Clean_Factor9673

“NTA. Doing it for my own children was enough for me. Twice. I’d never do what they’re asking of her.”

“And if the AH brother-in-law kept on, I’d send him some legal paperwork. It’s called bullying and he needs to STOP.” – marley_1756

“I was basically OP, medically, and had my hysterectomy at 32. Best decision of my life.”

“I don’t have a sister, but if anyone talked to me this way/expected me to just deal with it so they could have a baby, my husband would have thrown hands.” – DreamAppropriate5913

“What if gods forbid something happens? What if she ends up having a traumatic miscarriage? Would he blame her and force her to try again? What if the delivery goes south and they have to choose between saving mom or the baby, would the BIL be horrible to her if she chose herself?”

“I mean, this guy thinks he deserves to use her body to get what he wants. He’s totally okay with trying to force her to sacrifice her health. He feels like she owes them a baby because she had one.”

“And if she knuckled under and went through with this… there’s no reason to believe he wouldn’t be a controlling prick and dictating her every move while pregnant. After all, that’s his baby she’s carrying!”

“His behavior is beyond entitled. It’s gross and creepy.” – vTenebrae

“I wonder what OP’s husband said to them. My wife had a horrible second pregnancy. She had to be on bed rest for the majority of her second trimester, with some of that time spent in the hospital. Then she started bleeding and they had to deliver just before 32 weeks.”

“It was traumatic for both of us I would be reaming them and telling my wife to go no contact.” – tigerofjiangdong1337

Others agreed and were appalled by the sister and brother-in-law’s audacious demands.

“I’m furious on OP’s behalf. No is a complete sentence. Their behavior says they shouldn’t have kids given the entitled behavior. They think OP should suffer so they can have kids (and they’ll want more than two).”

“Never mind pregnancy and birth is a huge risk especially given her condition plus three pregnancies in a very short amount of time already. They see her body as theirs and that she’s robbing them. What the f**k?!” – sikonat

“Even if OP had easy pregnancies and periods, it is incredibly audacious to ask a woman to undergo the difficult process of artificial implantation, growing and bonding with a human, and going through the emotional process of delivering a baby (the entire thing is designed by nature to create a mother-child bond for the preservation of our species), and then to just give up the baby?!”

“It’s incredibly traumatic for both the mom (or ’carrier’) and the baby to be separated at birth.”

“I could never imagine asking my sisters who I love to go through that for me. It’s a very selfish ask. NTA.” – GiraffeThoughts

“It’s the kind of thing where, IF I were in great health and the right place to offer surrogacy to my sister (I’m not), I would do it for her out of love, if she really wanted a child (she doesn’t). But I would NEVER, in a million years, ask that of her, much less demand it.”

“This s**t is CRAY CRAY. NTA.” – Glittering-Bake-6612

“If this were about ‘biology’ (‘we just want a child who’s biologically related to both of uuuussss’) like they’re claiming, they would have asked OP to donate eggs once she refused surrogacy. They could use OP’s eggs (even after a hysterectomy you can still donate eggs) in another surrogate to have that bIoLoGiCaL child they so desperately want.”

“But they didn’t even mention egg donation because it’s not about biology, it’s about MONEY. They don’t want to pay for a surrogate. So they’re trying to shame OP into enduring literal years of extra torture so they don’t have to shell out for what they actually need.”

“But sure, sure, OP is the one being ‘selfish’ here (sarcastic comment).” – Kathrynlena

“Every pregnancy is a risk. Even if someone has several pregnancies and births go perfectly and smoothly, the next might not. I know people who had two of the kind you see in fairytales and nearly died during the third. It’s a roll of the dice every time.”

“Demanding anyone roll the dice is disgusting, and extra so if they have medical issues and their own children they’re trying to stick around for. NTA.” – StrangePenguin7

“I don’t know if she’s having a Caesarean Section with this birth solely because of the planned hysterectomy, or if she’s had prior C-sections, requiring another.”

“If this isn’t her first C-section, I wouldn’t want to have another one for her sister.”

“I had two C-sections, plus a surgery with the same incisions prior to our first child. So my uterus has been sliced open three times. On the third surgery, my OB just barely prevented my uterus from tearing open. Not really a rupture, but as she was cutting horizontally, it started tearing vertically, which would have been very bad.”

“But the bottom line is her uterus is not a shared property, nor are they entitled to check it out for nine months or more.”

“They could adopt. Or if it’s so d**n important to them for the child to be theirs biologically, they can hire a surrogate and use the sister’s egg and brother-in-law’s sperm. But from the sounds of BIL especially, I don’t think they’d be good parents.” – jahubb062

It’s perfectly understandable that a couple would want to have a child, but their desire to grow a family should not come before someone else’s health. Sometimes the cost is too high, and right now, the couple was risking their relationship with the OP by revealing to her that they were willing to risk her safety, too.

Written by McKenzie Lynn Tozan

McKenzie Lynn Tozan has been a part of the George Takei family since 2019 when she wrote some of her favorite early pieces: Sesame Street introducing its first character who lived in foster care and Bruce Willis delivering a not-so-Die-Hard opening pitch at a Phillies game. She's gone on to write nearly 3,000 viral and trending stories for George Takei, Comic Sands, Percolately, and ÃœberFacts. With an unstoppable love for the written word, she's also an avid reader, poet, and indie novelist.