Content Warning: Pregnancy Complications, Hysterectomy, Infertility, Surrogacy
The common milestones of growing up, like getting married, buying a house, and raising a family, are often used as measures of "success" and "happiness."
But someone's desire to "succeed" at these milestones should not come at the expense of someone else's health and wellness, pointed out the folks in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Maleficent-Feeling22 was in the middle of her third pregnancy, and between having complicated pregnancies and a concerning menstruation history, she was planning on having a hysterectomy during the arrival of her last baby.
But her sister and brother-in-law wanted her to wait to have the hysterectomy and go through another pregnancy instead, so that the Original Poster (OP) could be a surrogate for them.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH because I won't delay having a hysterectomy after the birth of my baby so I can be a surrogate for my sister and brother-in-law?"
The OP was planning to have a hysterectomy due to a variety of issues.
"I (28 Female) am having my third (and final) child with my husband and I have a scheduled Caesarean section and hysterectomy planned."
"My periods started when I was young (age nine) and I have suffered with them ever since. They're extremely painful, heavy, and (very, unusually) long."
"I wasn't even sure if I could get pregnant with my issues, but I knew I wanted children, so I delayed even when the option was originally presented to me. It was worth it, but these extra years have been torture on my body."
The OP's sister was struggling with infertility and was beginning to be a surrogate.
"My sister (31 Female) is struggling with infertility. She's had some fertility treatments but nothing has worked for her yet."
"It was suggested to her on more than one occasion that she could consider a surrogate. She was very against it for so long."
"In another situation, one where I didn't have all the problems I have, I would have offered for her because we're so close. But I need to be done. I don't know if I'll honestly survive like I have been if I wait another couple of years or more so my sister can have kids."
Despite needing to get the hysterectomy, the OP's sister asked her to wait.
"In December, my sister came right out and asked me not to have the hysterectomy yet and to be her surrogate so she could be a mother, too."
"I told her I was so sorry and if my body wasn't giving me the h**l it is, I'd do it for her, but I couldn't delay it any longer."
"She got upset but told me it was fine and she understood. She'd get over it. I could tell it bothered her but I didn't want to fight about it."
The OP's brother-in-law (BIL) shamed her for not prioritizing her sister's needs.
"Then Christmas came, and my BIL got involved. Our whole family was together on Christmas Day, and when everyone was busy he asked to speak to me alone."
"He berated me for my selfishness, and he said if I loved my sister as much as I said, I'd delay it like I did for my own selfish reasons."
"My husband and my mom heard him, and they stepped in to defend me, and my husband told my BIL to back off and nobody should ever be put under pressure to carry a pregnancy."
"Mom said emotions might be high around it but none of this is my fault and he shouldn't attack me like that."
"BIL told them I broke my sister's heart and he was p**sed at me for it."
"My mom told him again that it wasn't my fault."
The family was divided over the issue.
"The rest of Christmas Day was strained and afterward, my sister told me she was sorry about her husband, but they were just so upset and they felt robbed of having a baby biologically related to the two of them."
"I told her I was so sorry and I was here if she needed me."
"My BIL reached out and said my sister might be sorry but he still thinks I'm incredibly selfish."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had the right to say no and prioritize her health.
"NTA. She's not entitled to your womb. It's terrible for her and her husband to pressure you." - Clean_Factor9673
"NTA. Doing it for my own children was enough for me. Twice. I'd never do what they're asking of her."
"And if the AH brother-in-law kept on, I'd send him some legal paperwork. It's called bullying and he needs to STOP." - marley_1756
"I was basically OP, medically, and had my hysterectomy at 32. Best decision of my life."
"I don't have a sister, but if anyone talked to me this way/expected me to just deal with it so they could have a baby, my husband would have thrown hands." - DreamAppropriate5913
"What if gods forbid something happens? What if she ends up having a traumatic miscarriage? Would he blame her and force her to try again? What if the delivery goes south and they have to choose between saving mom or the baby, would the BIL be horrible to her if she chose herself?"
"I mean, this guy thinks he deserves to use her body to get what he wants. He's totally okay with trying to force her to sacrifice her health. He feels like she owes them a baby because she had one."
"And if she knuckled under and went through with this... there's no reason to believe he wouldn't be a controlling prick and dictating her every move while pregnant. After all, that's his baby she's carrying!"
"His behavior is beyond entitled. It's gross and creepy." - vTenebrae
"I wonder what OP's husband said to them. My wife had a horrible second pregnancy. She had to be on bed rest for the majority of her second trimester, with some of that time spent in the hospital. Then she started bleeding and they had to deliver just before 32 weeks."
"It was traumatic for both of us I would be reaming them and telling my wife to go no contact." - tigerofjiangdong1337
Others agreed and were appalled by the sister and brother-in-law's audacious demands.
"I'm furious on OP's behalf. No is a complete sentence. Their behavior says they shouldn't have kids given the entitled behavior. They think OP should suffer so they can have kids (and they'll want more than two)."
"Never mind pregnancy and birth is a huge risk especially given her condition plus three pregnancies in a very short amount of time already. They see her body as theirs and that she's robbing them. What the f**k?!" - sikonat
"Even if OP had easy pregnancies and periods, it is incredibly audacious to ask a woman to undergo the difficult process of artificial implantation, growing and bonding with a human, and going through the emotional process of delivering a baby (the entire thing is designed by nature to create a mother-child bond for the preservation of our species), and then to just give up the baby?!"
"It's incredibly traumatic for both the mom (or 'carrier') and the baby to be separated at birth."
"I could never imagine asking my sisters who I love to go through that for me. It's a very selfish ask. NTA." - GiraffeThoughts
"It's the kind of thing where, IF I were in great health and the right place to offer surrogacy to my sister (I'm not), I would do it for her out of love, if she really wanted a child (she doesn't). But I would NEVER, in a million years, ask that of her, much less demand it."
"This s**t is CRAY CRAY. NTA." - Glittering-Bake-6612
"If this were about 'biology' ('we just want a child who's biologically related to both of uuuussss') like they're claiming, they would have asked OP to donate eggs once she refused surrogacy. They could use OP's eggs (even after a hysterectomy you can still donate eggs) in another surrogate to have that bIoLoGiCaL child they so desperately want."
"But they didn't even mention egg donation because it's not about biology, it's about MONEY. They don't want to pay for a surrogate. So they're trying to shame OP into enduring literal years of extra torture so they don't have to shell out for what they actually need."
"But sure, sure, OP is the one being 'selfish' here (sarcastic comment)." - Kathrynlena
"Every pregnancy is a risk. Even if someone has several pregnancies and births go perfectly and smoothly, the next might not. I know people who had two of the kind you see in fairytales and nearly died during the third. It's a roll of the dice every time."
"Demanding anyone roll the dice is disgusting, and extra so if they have medical issues and their own children they're trying to stick around for. NTA." - StrangePenguin7
"I don't know if she's having a Caesarean Section with this birth solely because of the planned hysterectomy, or if she's had prior C-sections, requiring another."
"If this isn't her first C-section, I wouldn't want to have another one for her sister."
"I had two C-sections, plus a surgery with the same incisions prior to our first child. So my uterus has been sliced open three times. On the third surgery, my OB just barely prevented my uterus from tearing open. Not really a rupture, but as she was cutting horizontally, it started tearing vertically, which would have been very bad."
"But the bottom line is her uterus is not a shared property, nor are they entitled to check it out for nine months or more."
"They could adopt. Or if it's so d**n important to them for the child to be theirs biologically, they can hire a surrogate and use the sister's egg and brother-in-law's sperm. But from the sounds of BIL especially, I don't think they'd be good parents." - jahubb062
It's perfectly understandable that a couple would want to have a child, but their desire to grow a family should not come before someone else's health. Sometimes the cost is too high, and right now, the couple was risking their relationship with the OP by revealing to her that they were willing to risk her safety, too.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp