Hormonal changes during pregnancy may cause some mood swings or abnormal behavior, but is it an excuse for rude behavior?
A mother is questioning that after her pregnant sister-in-law yelled at her daughter and called her names. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
UnlikelyMajor9996 asked:
“AITA for not visiting my SIL and her new baby because I’m angry at her?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I really need an unbiased opinion here, as I’m really angry at this situation and don’t know if I am genuinely being unreasonable.”
“I (female, 33) am a single mom to my daughter Ellie (female, 15). I’ve got a brother (male, 29) who’s been married for a year to his wife being Hannah (female, 28). They’ve been together for a total of 3 years.”
“A couple weeks ago, Hannah has given birth to their first child together. She’s welcomed visitors but I have no intention on visiting her and their baby because I’m angry at her.”
“I’m angry because a month ago, Hannah and my brother stayed at my place temporarily for a week. They were between rent leases and didn’t have anywhere else to go in the meantime.”
“I wasn’t enthusiastic about them staying as my relationship with my brother has been complicated but I wanted to help them out.”
“On the day they arrived and on the day they left, Hannah had screamed at my daughter and berated her for very petty things.”
“The first was Ellie helped them bring their stuff into the house, and she left a pack of their soda bottles on the kitchen counter.”
“They ended up being forgotten about until sort of dinner time and Hannah got all riled up because they weren’t in the fridge and warm soda makes her feel sick.”
“She did say sorry to Ellie afterwards but it didn’t seem genuine and she just blamed it on her hormones.”
The second time happened when I was at work. Ellie had eaten some fruit roll up snacks that were in the kitchen, which I do sometimes buy for her.”
“These ones actually belonged to Hannah (which my daughter didn’t realise) and she screamed at Ellie and made her cry, telling her she’s useless and stupid. My brother tried to calm Hannah down and drove her to the store to buy some more of the snacks.
“Hannah never apologized for this and pretended as if nothing has happened.”
“I confronted Hannah about this and she still hasn’t apologized. She said that she’s just heavily pregnant and on edge, and implied that my daughter has no manners and should’ve asked before eating the snacks.”
“Ellie is in the clingy teenager phase so she’s told me everything about how she feels about this. She doesn’t want to visit Hannah and the new baby and quite frankly neither do I.”
“I can’t really look at Hannah quite the same.”
“I’d never scream at someone else’s child the way she did, even when I was pregnant and especially for such small things, and I’m struggling to understand why she’d overreact so much and be so mean-spirited towards my daughter.”
“My brother has been asking why we haven’t been over to visit and I explained to him it’s because I’m upset at his wife’s actions. He says I’m overreacting and babying my daughter.
“Our parents got themselves involved and told me I’m being a jerk and hurting everyone’s feelings.”
“Am I the a-hole?”
The OP summed up their conundrum.
“I’m refusing to visit my sister-in-law, brother and my newborn nephew because I’m angry at my sister-in-law.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. I know that hormones do wacky things to the body and moods, but that’s no reason for her not to apologize to your daughter.”
“Ellie didn’t break a priceless antique, she ate a fruit snack. It’s not the end of the world.”
“You are not overreacting or babying Ellie. She shouldn’t have gotten yelled at even once, let alone twice, and especially not over something so trivial.” ~ WolfGoddess77
“NTA. Your SIL verbally abused your daughter TWICE whilst being a guest in your home. She hasn’t apologised for it, and will do it again if the opportunity arises.”
“You are protecting your daughter by keeping them apart. Your daughter comes before your nibling in your priorities, always.”
“Tell your brother if he wants you to meet the baby, it will happen away from SIL, and you are fine if that’s unacceptable to both of them and just won’t meet the baby.”
“I’d be incredibly concerned about how she will treat her own child if she is willing to jump straight to verbally abusing other people’s children. I hope your brother has a plan for dealing with it if it starts happening.” ~ Cursd818
“She stayed in your home and screamed at your daughter, calling her names like ‘useless’ and ‘stupid’? For eating some snacks?
“And you are wondering if you are an a**hole? Hell no. Hormones don’t excuse that.”
“She owes your daughter a sincere apology and I wouldn’t step foot in their home until she does so. NTA.” ~ BlueStarrSilver
“NTA. Neither she nor her husband noticed that her soda wasn’t in the fridge. Your daughter was helping them out by bringing stuffs up to them to put it away, especially if you like to have it a certain way.”
“As for the snacks. It was an honest and easy mistake to make. There was no need to scream at Ellie to the point of tears over a snack that could be and was replaced easily.”
“Heavily pregnant or not, her behavior towards your daughter isn’t excusable. You were doing them a favour by hosting them till their new place was ready, and they treated your daughter like she was a problem in her own home.”
“Now they are surprised you’re not fawning over their new baby?”
“You aren’t babying her, you just don’t want her to be spoken down to and respect her decision not to go over. Your parents are only thinking about SIL/brother’s feelings and not yours/Ellie’s.”
“Why are Ellie’s hurt feelings OK but not theirs?” ~ Adorable-Reaction887
“NTA—hormones don’t make you berate a teenager over soda and fruit roll-ups. Your monster SIL called your daughter stupid, and your daughter doesn’t want to be around that verbal abuse again so thank you for sticking up for your daughter.”
“I feel bad for your brother’s baby that it has her as a mother & his enabling a** as a father.” ~ Cocokreykrey
“NTA. Your SIL is abusive, and your brother is enabling it. Their new baby is in for one hell of a childhood.”
“Also, what kind of adult gets upset over somebody eating one of their fruit roll-ups? To resort to name-calling, even? Embarrassing behavior all around.” ~ Maleficent_Yogurt722
“NTA. You’re hurting everyone’s feelings? Does no one care that Hannah clearly hurt your daughter’s feelings for some silly things that shouldn’t even matter?”
“Yeah hormones and pregnancy stress messes with you. But it’s not an excuse to be a massive AH to a teenager who did nothing ‘wrong’.”
“Oh no, get some ice for your room-temperature soda. Oh no, one whole fruit snack was eaten under the assumption it was fair game since they’ve been in the house before.”
“Your family and especially Hannah need to get over themselves. You helped them out when they needed it and made your daughter cry in her own home.” ~ FearlessPudding404
“NTA. Your SIL was cruel to your daughter in her own home, over soda and fruit snacks.”
“Until she apologizes and acknowledges what she did was wrong, you have no reason to think she won’t do it again.”
“Tell your family you are not going to potentially put your daughter in a position to be screamed at by an adult who isn’t mature enough to understand why her behavior was wrong and apologize for it.” ~ photosbeersandteach
“NTA. Your SIL may have been on edge due to pregnancy, but that doesn’t mean she can act however she pleases and doesn’t have to apologize or be responsible for her actions.”
“An apology from her would go a long way. She shouldn’t have screamed at your daughter, calling her useless and stupid—just for mistaking SIL’s snacks for the ones you often buy for your daughter.”
“Why can’t SIL admit that and apologize? Why is wanting that too much or being upset at that behavior an overreaction?”
“Don’t let them reframe this as you ‘being a jerk and hurting everyone’s feelings’. SIL behaved badly and all she has to do is apologize for it.”
“Done and dusted. You are not going to allow screaming insults at your daughter over a trivial mistake to be seen as normal and acceptable behavior in the family.”
“That’s not how you are willing to have things be. Why do they want that?” ~ kurokomainu
“I’m tired of pregnant women getting away with abusing people by claiming hormones. Yes, hormones can cause extreme emotional lability.”
“But that is an explanation not a ‘get out of jail free’ card.”
“As with any disability (temporary or permanent) that has similar symptoms, you still need to do your best to control your temper and your words. And you still need to recognize the hurt you caused and apologize after you’ve lashed out at someone who didn’t deserve that abuse.”
“SIL was a guest in OP and her daughter’s house, and instead of being grateful for their hospitality, she acted like a diva and screamed at the most vulnerable person in the household on multiple occasions.”
“And ironically, it sounds like the teenager would have caught less verbal abuse if she had been less helpful when they first arrived.” ~ Normal-Height-8577
“NTA. I’m heavily pregnant and SUPER sensitive and on edge.”
“Guess who I shout at? Nobody.”
“Your SIL is unbelievably arrogant to come to stay in your house and shout at your child for, frankly, human behavior.”
“It’s always up to the adult (as in not your teenaged daughter) to handle their emotions and deal with things in a graceful manner.” ~ International-Fee255
No one owes anyone their time or company.
If the OP and her daughter don’t want to visit Hannah, that’s their prerogative.