Change is the only constant in the whole universe.
Stars explode, planets die and flowers grow.
So, what happens when the circumstances of someone's life change rapidly and you're left holding the bag?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) aita1231 when he came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
"AITA for evicting a tenant because they got pregnant?"
OP began with a disclaimer.
"Yes, I know the title sounds awful, but please do hear me out before making a judgement. I will accept whatever judgement I'm given."
Then he gave some important background.
"I (30 male) purchased a 3 bedroom condo in Toronto, Canada 5 years ago when I was in my second year of medical residency."
"Soon after the purchase, I rented one of the rooms to my roommate (female 29) to offset the costs of the mortgage."
"I live in one room, she lives in the second, and the third is my study/office."
"She has been a great roommate from the beginning. We aren't necessarily friends (as in we don't do things together for fun), but we get along exceptionally well."
Everything was fine, until...
"The entire roommate/tenant relationship has gone swimmingly up until recently."
"A couple of weeks ago, my roommate broke the news to me that she is pregnant."
"The father was a fling of hers, who does not want anything to do with the child. My roommate has decided she wants to keep the child anyways, and raise it on her own."
"To me that seems like a huge challenge, and I admire her for it."
"The issue is, while I don't necessarily dislike children, I have no desire to live with a baby."
"While the condo is a fair size, I will most definitely be woken up by the babies crying at night."
"My condo is also where I like to come home to and relax, like a haven after a long work day, and the idea of coming home to a baby honestly seems absolutely chaotic."
"Especially since this isn't my own child (ie one that my girlfriend and I decided to have/was mentally prepared for)."
"As difficult as it was for me to do this, I told my her essentially what I've written here, and that it would be best if she finds somewhere else to live."
"I am not rushing her out or anything like that, I have given her 6 month's notice, since any later than that will come too close to the birth."
OP did try to see things from his tenant's perspective.
"She was honestly quite taken aback by this, and thought that I was being cruel."
"Her primary concern is that rent has gone up substantially in this city since she signed on with me (I haven't increased her rent since she moved in, so she's essentially paying 2015 rent)."
"She works as a waitress, and will likely need to find a lesser apartment to keep within the same budget."
"A couple of other considerations are that she was out of work while restaurants were closed, but I did waive her rent for that period."
"All of the furniture is also mine (aside from her bedroom), so she would need to figure something out on that front as well, aside from all of the child expenses."
"I understand her position, and I feel horrible about the situation, but I honestly can't do it."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA for this?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some wanted to help.
"If she's not super attached to her current employer, rent is way cheaper in Hamilton."
"(I know because I live in Hamilton but grew up in the GTA)."
"There are tons of restaurants downtown, we have a great food scene so I'm sure she could get a job here fairly easily."
"And her rent is more likely to match the value of the space she's living in than it would in Toronto."
"I live downtown just a 5 min walk from the GO station and it actually takes me less time to get to Union from Hamilton than it did from my parents place in R. Hill."
"I hope she's able to find a good place soon! If Hamilton is something that might work for her, message me and I don't mind helping her look for a place here!" ~ tonks2016
Not everyone was so compassionate toward the roommate.
"The roommate is an asshole. Anyone who chooses to be a single parent when they can't even afford their own apartment is an asshole."
"She actually expected to raise her child in a single rented room? That poor child is going to have a shitty life because of her shitty choices." ~ Vallaris24
"I'm not gonna call her an AH but I don't understand why someone would have a baby in these circumstances before we've even seen the light at the end of the tunnel with respect to Covid."
"I've lived in Toronto, NY, LA, and Tokyo and Toronto was by far the hardest city to live in, I can't imagine being a single mom waitress in that city AND DURING A PANDEMIC." ~ tequilaearworm
Some were very direct.
"NTA."
"There is no money or friendship in the world that would make me live with another baby."
"I've had two, and only stayed with them because they were mine. They suck." ~ Gibodean
"NAH."
"It's your property and you can do with it as you like - within reason."
"You are living in the same building and don't want to be disturbed by a newborn."
"Six months is a huge period of time to find a new place to live." ~ abyssalcrisis
OP did return with several updates.
"Edit:"
"Thank you to everyone who has commented."
"There have been two great suggestions on how I can make this situation better, which I have taken to heart."
"I haven't been able to give life much thought lately, as work has been quite busy."
"Firstly, I have a friend in real estate, and I'm going to see if they can help her try to find some affordable listings."
"Secondly - as I don't plan to take on another tenant after her, and can afford to do this anyway - I have decided I'm going to waive her rent for the remainder of the tenancy."
"This will hopefully give her a bit of a boost to get on her feet"
"Edit 2:"
"I'm just checking on this for the first time today."
"My god, I was not expecting anywhere near this many replies."
"Thank you to everyone who has commented. I am about to head into surgery, but I will do my best to get back to as many people as I can later today."
"Edit 3/update:"
"I am honestly overwhelmed by the amount of attention this has gotten."
"Thank you everyone that commented, regardless of your opinion."
"I was planning to reply to as many posts as possible, but honestly seeing as there are over 2000 comments, I think I will have to just address some common questions here."
"I also have an update on the situation, and I wish everyone that's commented so far could receive notification to read it."
"So firstly:"
"To anyone asking about the legality of the matter, I consulted an attorney to be 1000% sure, and this is perfectly legal. Since I live in the unit, the eviction laws are much more lenient."
"Secondly:"
"To anyone that said I should allow her to live with me anyway, I challenge you to consider what the alternative would be."
"If this doesn't happen now, then when? Her baby will become a toddler, and a toddler eventually becomes a school-age child."
"Will it really be any better to do this later on? Or do you suggest that I let her raise the child here until they are 18?"
OP even came back with a final resolution.
"Finally, the update:"
"When I came home from work today, I told her that I wanted to discuss the overall situation."
"Before I even began, she actually apologized to me for how she spoke to me, and for expecting that I would be okay for her to raise her child here."
"I told her that her apology is totally unnecessary, as her reaction was completely understandable considering the uncertainty of her future. I then told her that what I told all of you;"
"That I would waive her rent for the remainder of her stay to help her get on her feet. She pushed back on this at first, but after I urged her to think of her child, she graciously accepted."
"Aside from this, I also told her about my friend who could help her out with finding some affordable listings in the area. I thought I might be overstepping there, but she was actually extremely thankful and said she would take me up on there."
"Finally, I want to thank u/tuttipeachyfrutti for probably the best piece of advice that I've read (I'm sure there are many more people that I should be thanking, but I honestly don't think I'll be able to read everything here)."
"This was that I could help her obtain a more reliable work position at my hospital, nothing fancy as she doesn't have any schooling, but it will be much more secure than waitressing (and once you're in, there's always ways to work your way up)."
"There would also be benefits/maternity leave that I don't think restaurants usually offer."
"This was probably my biggest risk of overstepping, but when I mentioned the idea to her she was actually over the moon (tears were shed...)."
"I do agree that I acted in self-interest here, so I think it's the least I can do to make sure this soon to be mother and her child have some sense of security in their lives."
"Thank you again to everyone."
"***This isn't an edit, but more of a request. Does anyone here know if it's possible to change your title to include something like 'updated'."
"I really want everyone that commented to know that they all made a huge impact on a new mothers life. I can't thank you enough, very glad that I made this post."
Change is the only constant.
We can only do our best to keep up with it, to plan for it, or to mitigate it.
For us and those who rely on us.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp