Home is, ideally, where you should feel safest.
Where you can be yourself and perform all the little routines and rituals that get you through the day.
What happens, though, when what you do in your home makes a neighbor upset?
This was the issue plaguing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) neighprob when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for clarity.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to accommodate to my infertile neighbour"
She began with a brief apology and the background of the issue.
"Sorry for the formatting and my writing, English is not my first language"
"My husband (29M) and I (28F) have been living here for 5y, ever since we married."
"Our previous neighbours were an adorable couple in their 60's-70's, we had a fairly good relationship and was kinda sad when they left."
And joyous news.
"This year I gave birth to my son (6mo)."
"When my new neighbours (lets call them Paul and Anna) moved in I was 2 months pregnant."
"We weren't friends but we would say hi to each other here and there."
Then she detailed her routine and the reason behind it.
"I sunbathe every day, it's something I have been doing since childhood."
"I was a very anemic kid and my mom made me do it to help with my anemia. I don't even know if it works, but it is a habit that helps me start my day."
"This was not a problem until my pregnancy became apparent."
A quick word on location.
"The left side of the yard has two kinds of fences, one low (1,5m) that used to have a hedge on the neighbour side (that they cut off) and one taller (2m) in the rest of the backyard."
"It's hard to see it from the ground, but they still can see our whole yard and part of our main floor from the second floor."
Everything was okay until...
"When I was 5 months pregnant Paul told my husband that my sunbathing was making them uncomfortable."
"I sunbathe in shorts and tank tops, nothing out of the ordinary, I just ignored them and kept my routine."
"The following month he did it again."
Tensions continued to rise.Â
"Until my 8th month, I was back from a walk with my husband, and Anna was in the front of the house, once she saw me she stormed inside and slammed the door."
"The following day Paul came to our house and told us that they have fertility problems and seeing me pregnant was making her heavily uncomfortable, and I was an insensitive bit**. "
"Currently I am working from home and the baby is close to me in a playpen in the living room, and we have another in the backyard on the terrace."
"So I can have him close when gardening or just playing with him."
"Well, I made his wife uncomfortable again yesterday."
"I was in the living room playing with the baby when he knocked, he asked me to move from the living room because his wife could see me from their balcony."
"I told him to tell her to look in the other direction and leave me alone."
"Today, my husband and I were grilling some meat in the backyard."
"The baby was hungry so I started to breastfeed."
"When I looked at their house Ana was on the balcony, she went in and a few minutes later Paul was at our door again."
"I gave my son to my husband and I answered the door. Paul went off on me for breastfeeding in public (again my fenced yard) and being inconsiderate."
"When he finished I told him to leave us alone, don't knock on my door again, and if his wife is so upset over seeing a baby she needs therapy and not him harassing my family."
"And I will do everything I want in my own home."
Later,
"At the time I felt justified but I was venting with my mom and she told me I was wrong, and I couldn't understand because I never suffered from infertility and I need to apologize."
So OP was left to wonder...
"So AITA?"
Her confidence shaken, OP took the question to Reddit for some outside perspectives.Â
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some gave advice.
"NTA. Document everything and fill a restraining order if this behaviour continues. This is harassment."
"You are not being inconsiderate for living your life. The world doesn't stop spinning because this couple can't have a baby."~MaybeAWalrus
Others were very succinct.
"NTA. She needs a therapist and you need a restraining order against them."~whoistimkono
People were concerned for the child.Â
"NTA. These people need to mind their own damn business. That woman clearly needs therapy. I'd lock my doors and keep an eye on that baby at all times. Psycho."~AdCool7681
There was talk of how absurd Paul and Anna's requests seemed to be.
"This is harassment."
"And extreme entitlement. 'Stop doing things with your kid in your own home because my wife is uncomfortable'."
"I think she's deliberately pissing herself off to make OP and her husband bend to their will because biology is screwing them over with their infertility."
"That isn't OP's fault. If this were me and I was being constantly harassed by these people, I would threaten a harassment charge and if they kept going, I would go through with it."
"This needs to stop"~HeyYouShouldSmile
OP's mother didn't escape criticism, though.
"Yeah, I'm not happy with the mom at all in this. 'You don't know what it's like'."
"No. Maybe she doesn't."
"But it's not hard to see what's healthy and what isn't, and demanding the world around you stop existing in a procreative manner is ridiculous."~yay_darkness
OP did return to give an update on what's happened since her original post.
"Edit: I sat down with my husband to talk about the precautions."
"I was so annoyed that I wasn't thinking about the risks."
"We will be installing cameras and a taller fence."
"Unfortunately, the vision from the balcony will stay the same because the city won't let us build taller than 4 meters."
"But this is will help anyway."
"I called my dad to get some help with the fence, and he ended up talking to my mom."
"She called and apologized, she suffered from infertility and postpartum depression, when I spoke to her she felt Anna's pain, but she also remembered some crazy things she did at the period and gave me some extra precautions to take."
"About the restraining order, we called our lawyer, he told us to get a few footages, because until now we only have our word and our other neighbors testimony."
"And if he shows up again to record it and call the cops if he came to my house 5 times to call the cops each time."
"But still will be hard to get one."
"Thank to all of you for your responses, I didn't finish reading but all of your advice was more than useful!"
Home is a place where you are free to be whatever version of you is most comfortable.
While it's always important to respect the feelings of those around you, it's equally appropriate to have those places where you feel protected.
We should all remember to be mindful of others' safe places and never force ourselves into them.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.