It is amazing how some people feel they can just say anything to anybody at anytime all in the name of caring.
People really need to choose their words and the timing of their words carefully in life.
This way a lot of pain and chaos can be avoided.
Case in point...
Redditor Throwawaybrother3 wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to let my brother meet my son after what he told me at my husband's funeral?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My late husband passed away from a car accident when I was 4 months pregnant."
"It's been difficult without him but my family did so much to support me."
"I moved in with them a month after."
"At the funeral, my older brother asked for a minute to talk then asked me if I really wanted to go through with my pregnancy."
"I was shocked when I heard this but even more shocked when he suggested that I 'make the right decision, not an emotional decision and reconsider having my son.'"
"He gave many reasons why including the fact how 'single/widowed mom' are considered too much of 'baggage' for so many men to date."
"I lost it on him and kicked him out."
"That was the last time we saw each other."
"My son is now 3 weeks old."
"My whole family met him and were happy to welcome him."
"My parents asked if I could let my brother come meet my son even for few hours."
"I refused but they said I was making a mistake robbing my son of a future loving relationship with his uncle."
"They asked that I don't let my emotions dictate a decision that might have a lasting impact, but I said no."
"My extended family got involved and started pushing."
"Especially after my brother started insisting saying my husband was a dear friend of his and what I'm doing right now would make my husband upset if he saw it."
"Am I being bitter and selfish?"
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA. Every time he says how much of a dear friend he was, remind him of that 'talk' from his 'dear' friends funeral."
"He'll remind the whole damn family of it." ~ Particular-Fun4352
"My Mom had similar happen to her."
"She never married again and raised us 3 kids."
"Money was tight but we were quite wealthy when it came to love and care."
"She wasn't perfect but we never had any doubt how much she cared for us."
"Edit: NTA, what he said was unforgivable and to say that at the funeral no less is such a heartless thing to do to anyone."
"I cannot understand how anyone could stoop so low at the worst possible time."
"You needed his support and he gave you more grief. Shake my head." ~ ksangel360
"Honestly I can't imagine wanting to move on from someone who I loved enough to marry."
"I would understand if the brother was talking about how difficult it is being a single parent (or the child of one)."
"But it's quite clear that he just meant moving on and getting back into dating."
"And I doubt OP wants to."
"That being said we have absolutely no indication of him being homophobic or sexist."
"He said man because he assumed, OP having been in a straight relationship, that she's straight — or as her brother he may know that as a fact."
"Some people place more value on dating than children, he's probably one of them."
"That doesn't excuse what he said to her, though, not in the slightest."
"Also, obviously NTA." ~ RiotIsBored
"If he keeps pulling this manipulative crap tell him that if he'd had his way there would be no nephew to meet so he can go on pretending he got his way."
"Tell the family the same thing."
"That the day you were burying your husband, your brother told you that you should abort your child and bury him, too."
"NTA, OP."
"Until your brother sincerely apologizes and makes amends (and to be honest I don't know that I would ever see my brother the same way again), he doesn't need to be in your son's life." ~ lydz31
"If it was me that brother died that day to me."
"NTA and tell your family to leave if they don't respect your decision." ~ Etaec
"Misogyny… misogyny everywhere!"
"First concern of brother was her date-ability."
"Next concern is having access to her son."
"And somehow the family is on brother's side. Ugh."
'NTA OP, not bitter, not too emotional."
"You do you and I'm so sorry for your loss." ~ rocknroll1516
"Yup NTA at all."
"If he had his way, your son wouldn't even exist."
"So now as far as he's concerned, your son doesn't have an uncle."
"How dear of a friend could he have been if he had the audacity to try and convince you to abort his friends baby?!" ~ k1k11983
"100% agree."
"He lost any right to be a 'loving uncle' when he advocated for his 'beloved nephew' to be aborted."
"Next time they push you over it, OP, ask them how upset they think your husband would have been to know your brother didn't think your child should even have been born? NTA." ~ blucougar57
"NTA. You don't have to allow anyone in your child's life that you don't want to."
"That includes family."
"Your brother said some pretty awful and tactless things (while you were still AT THE FUNERAL of the FATHER of your CHILD)."
"I'm assuming he also hasn't bothered to apologize but still feels he is entitled to have a relationship with your son."
"And has no problem emotionally manipulating you in order to get what he wants?"
"Yeah no. You're not the AH here."
"Tell your extended family that the discussion is closed and anyone who brings it up again will not be seeing your son for a long time."
"IF and WHEN you want your son to have a relationship with your brother you will let him know." ~ oneblessedmess
"NTA. He told you to get rid of your baby because he would be a burden and not a joy."
"He is not someone to let be around a new life."
"What a callus and awful thing to say, you are well within your rights to deny him." ~ Livetorun123
"Not everyone would consider a child a blessing in that situation."
"There was a correct way for the brother to supportively provide a safe space for OP to admit that she did not want the child."
"If that is how she truly felt, but that is not what he did."
"Instead, he turned it into a misogynistic assumption." ~ SwimmingCoyote
"Exactly this. You don't say anything at the funeral."
"You don't suggest."
"A few weeks after, you ask OP for a sit down and you go through everything she needs assistance with."
"That can include helping pack up her husband's belongings, if she wants to."
"My mum didn't do it for about 3 years after dad passed and when she was moving."
"It was entirely her choice."
"And ask her if she's thought about the future with the baby."
"And being a single mother and if there's anything they can do to assist her with whatever she chooses."
"At most, you can tell her it's going to be hard and if she feels like she's going to struggle."
"You'll be there to support any decisions she makes and that she can count on you for any sort of support that she needs." ~ aussie_nub
"NTA. If your brother was such a dear friend of your husband, then he would've been there to assist you during your pregnancy."
"As the wife of his 'dear friend' and help his nephew, the child if his late 'dear friend,' thrive through life with you."
"Instead he thinks that his 'dear friend's' child is a burden and didn't deserve to exist because a relationship with another man is more important and should've been your top priority, not the child you wanted to have."
"Did you tell them that your brother wanted you to get rid of the grandson, cousin, etc."
"That they claim to love so much because another man would view him as baggage?"
"You aren't robbing your son from receiving love from an uncle."
"You're protecting him from the toxicity that a so-called uncle would give him."
"What love could someone like him, who thinks children from a previous relationship are burdens to a new relationship, possibly give to your child?"
"Additionally, WTF tells someone else to abort a planned (assuming) pregnancy at the funeral of their spouse?!"
"That's f**ked up in every way!"
"Especially, when it's the funeral of your 'dear friend.'" ~ Careful-Listen2277
First of all OP, congratulations on your son's birth!
Reddit is here for you all the way.
Hopefully your brother can offer up an apology and you can work from there.
And sorry for your loss.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.