It’s no secret that weddings are expensive to put together, especially in today’s economy… and when someone wants to follow a particular theme and aesthetic, the dollar signs can quickly stack up.
When you have a family member who’s willing to pay the extra fees, do you accept it to have the bigger wedding, or do you worry about them holding it over your head later, questioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Livinggoodeveryday had an agreement with their three daughters to give each of them the same amount of money for their wedding funds, inflation also considered.
But when the in-laws wanted to have a much bigger wedding and offered to pay for it, the Original Poster (OP) felt uneasy about what their daughter might be agreeing to.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for not wanting to pay $100k for a Princess Wedding that the Groom’s parents want?”
The OP waited to be fair and give each of their daughters the same wedding funds.
“My daughter is getting married… She is the youngest of three.”
“Our first daughter got married in 2021 and had a beautiful wedding at a rock-bottom cost of $15k. Only 75 people came because it was during the pandemic, and every vendor had low pricing just because of the times. My first daughter was thrilled and very happy!”
But the youngest daughter’s future in-laws expected a larger wedding fund.
“Now the youngest is being talked into this princess wedding that actually is being pushed on her because the in-laws want a big splash… They’re envisioning a very formal, over-the-top event.”
“We originally explained to the girls that we would give each one the same amount for a wedding… Now, with inflation, that number has probably gone to $25k.”
The OP felt conflicted about the expensive wedding.
“AITAH for not wanting to pay for something I really don’t want to do?”
“I would rather give the newlyweds some extra money to help with a house down payment. The groom’s parents want the big, formal expense.”
“What do I do? My daughter says they will pay for it, so I should let go of tradition and let them. I’m not getting a good feeling about all this.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: No A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the bride to let the in-laws pay and have their fun.
“If they plan to play for every single expense, and your daughter is willing to go along with it, let them have at it.”
“What your daughter is going to find out is that she will have no say. Take whatever you were going to give them and give it to them as a gift after the wedding. You are NTA.” – oldermom66
“I don’t see where OP has a choice in letting them. It boils down to what he wants to contribute to that. I suspect that his daughter will be a lot more appreciative down the road to have something tangible from her dad.”
“My suggestion would be to contribute the explicit $15K to the wedding costs and the extra $10K to a wedding gift, such as an education trust or something of that nature. That way, the other parents can contribute to that too if they want.” – Salty_Interview_5311
“NTA. You made it clear to your kid how much you’re willing to spend. If the in-laws want fancy and say they’ll pay for it, LET THEM!!”
“For real, this isn’t OP’s problem. They offered a generous amount, just like they did for their other kid. If the in-laws want a six-figure wedding, let them deal with the logistics (and the inevitable headaches).” – Junior_Statement_262
“If they want to waste their money, let them. But they can’t force you to.”
“Save your money and help them buy a house. It’s more meaningful anyway, and you’ll get to let them have the final say in what their dream home will be.”
“I’m not so sure that is going to happen if the in-laws want and are paying for a flashy and expensive wedding. They surely have a vision in mind. NTA.” – selfpsycho
“OP hasn’t really established that these are generally pushy and domineering people, and there’s a genuine feeling that they will try to control the couple for life because the bride has said she doesn’t want a big wedding and they won’t let it go, etc.”
“It really comes off like, ‘My daughter is marrying into a family with a bigger bank account than us, and they want to have a big showy wedding, and I don’t because I can’t keep up with them, and it’s going to make me look bad if folks find out that I didn’t pay for all of this.'” – Techsupportvictim
“YTA for blocking a certain type of wedding that you aren’t being required to pay for. Don’t block it based on principle.”
“Give your daughter the amount of money you are comfortable with, that you feel is fair among your children, and tell her to use it how she sees fit, be that a wedding, house, car, honeymoon, what have you.”
“Let the soon-to-be-married couple determine their priorities themselves.” – BlaketheFlake
“I feel like OP’s ego is bruised or something. I genuinely can’t think of another reason as to why OP would care so much what the groom’s parents do with their own money.”
“If I’m reading correctly, the couple would like a big wedding. Even though they may have been influenced by the groom’s parents, that’s their decision.”
“You don’t want to pay for it, but the groom’s parents will foot the bill, and you are angry about it all.”
“You’re not the a**hole if you let it go, but if you continue to try to influence your daughter not to have the wedding she has chosen, you would be. In anticipation, YTA.” – Sherpa_qwerty
“Oh my god, my own parents could’ve written this. My parents are asking for a toned-down wedding, with people, photos, food, a thrifted dress, and money left over to help us out. I love it.”
“My in-laws are talking about having a grand affair with a destination and fancy hotels.”
“I’ve decided to settle it by saying pay for what you want. If my in-laws are willing to foot the cost of every guest for a destination wedding, then that’s what we have! But by no means are my parents or our guests expected to break their budget for a destination wedding.”
“On the other hand, if my mom wants to bring her entire friend group and their families and all of her coworkers, then she has to be willing to pay for their seats, meals, and drinks.” – Double-Profession900
But others cautioned that this could be debt the in-laws would want to collect in the future.
“Watch her future in-laws treat the wedding as a debt instead of a gift down the line. Any time she goes against the family, they’ll hold that lavish wedding over her head.” – RandomRainicorn
“If the in-laws pay for a lavish wedding, they might see it as something to be ‘owed’ down the line, using it as leverage whenever your daughter disagrees or wants to make her own choices.”
“It can create a toxic dynamic where the wedding isn’t a gift, but a debt she has to repay, which could cause tension and resentment in the future. It’s important to think about the long-term impact, not just the immediate celebration.” – xonaiomitsxo
“NTA. $25k is already very generous.”
“Your daughter and her fiancé should really think about what they want and understand that if they let his parents fund an extravagant wedding, it’s likely going to add more stress, and his parents will definitely want control over most details.”
“Your daughter will feel pressure to not let her own wishes (for HER wedding) be heard if they’re not aligned with the in-laws’ because of what they’re spending.”
“I hope they’re mature enough and firm enough to establish well-communicated boundaries.” – navedanne
“Maybe have a conversation with your daughter and tell her if this big wedding is what she truly wants and the in-laws are willing to pay, then by all means, go for it.”
“Tell her your concern is that it may get highjacked by the in-laws and she may end up having no say, especially in certain areas like food choices, cake flavors, etc.”
“Perhaps tell her you will pay for her dress so that she will have full control over that choice. Anything left from the budget after the dress, you can gift to them towards a house. You’re not the AH.” – Dizzy_Government_289
“NTA. If they want it, they can pay for it.”
“However, your daughter needs to think long and hard about this. Is she going to always give in to their demands/wishes? What happens if/when children come?”
“What does your daughter and her future spouse want?” – Strange_Jackfruit_289
“Your daughter saying, ‘They’ll pay for it,’ sounds fishy. If the groom’s parents wanna blow that kinda cash, let ‘em, but don’t feel obligated to match it. Stick to your original plan.”
“Also, offering a down payment is way more practical. Trust your gut. This whole ‘princess wedding’ thing sounds like a recipe for drama.” – NellyGracee
“Oh lord, my friend’s daughter’s in-laws are like this. My friend and her hubby told their four kids they would pay for college (up to 50k each) OR a wedding/house downpayments, and that was it.”
“All of the kids were cool with that, but the daughter’s in-laws told my friend that was totally unacceptable. My friend told her point blank, if they wanted to spend an additional 75k out of their pockets, they were more than welcome to, but my friend and husband weren’t, end of story.”
“The in-laws decided to spend the extra money and then tried to cull my friend’s family and friends from the list as they now controlled everything. The MIL was especially smug about it when my friend said something to her.”
“Thankfully, my friend’s daughter and her now-hubby finally told the MIL and DIL this wasn’t going to work and they didn’t want this circus of a wedding. It was their wedding, and they wanted it their way.”
“MIL freaked out at my friend’s daughter and called her all kinds of nasty things. That was it, the future groom canceled the wedding, and the couple had a tiny wedding in Key West (in their budget) with my friend, her hubby, and siblings/their spouses/kids.”
“The groom’s parents were NOT invited, lol. The MIL has been banned from the grandkids too after more boundary stomping behavior.” – Catfish1960
Everyone has their own vision of what they want for a wedding day and what will make an amazing wedding, but totally boundary-stomping someone else’s wishes to get what you want is not the way to go.
The OP’s daughter and future partner needed to stand firm by what they wanted and decide how that fit into the current discussion by both sides of the family. If they wanted a big wedding and the groom’s parents were really willing to foot the bill without strings attached, that was the way to go.
But if they wanted a smaller wedding, the groom’s parents needed to respect that, and the newlyweds could focus on building a life together, putting more money into a downpayment than a wedding day.