It's no secret that weddings are expensive to put together, especially in today's economy... and when someone wants to follow a particular theme and aesthetic, the dollar signs can quickly stack up.
When you have a family member who's willing to pay the extra fees, do you accept it to have the bigger wedding, or do you worry about them holding it over your head later, questioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Livinggoodeveryday had an agreement with their three daughters to give each of them the same amount of money for their wedding funds, inflation also considered.
But when the in-laws wanted to have a much bigger wedding and offered to pay for it, the Original Poster (OP) felt uneasy about what their daughter might be agreeing to.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for not wanting to pay $100k for a Princess Wedding that the Groom's parents want?"
The OP waited to be fair and give each of their daughters the same wedding funds.
"My daughter is getting married... She is the youngest of three."
"Our first daughter got married in 2021 and had a beautiful wedding at a rock-bottom cost of $15k. Only 75 people came because it was during the pandemic, and every vendor had low pricing just because of the times. My first daughter was thrilled and very happy!"
But the youngest daughter's future in-laws expected a larger wedding fund.
"Now the youngest is being talked into this princess wedding that actually is being pushed on her because the in-laws want a big splash... They're envisioning a very formal, over-the-top event."
"We originally explained to the girls that we would give each one the same amount for a wedding... Now, with inflation, that number has probably gone to $25k."
The OP felt conflicted about the expensive wedding.
"AITAH for not wanting to pay for something I really don't want to do?"
"I would rather give the newlyweds some extra money to help with a house down payment. The groom's parents want the big, formal expense."
"What do I do? My daughter says they will pay for it, so I should let go of tradition and let them. I'm not getting a good feeling about all this."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: No A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the bride to let the in-laws pay and have their fun.
"If they plan to play for every single expense, and your daughter is willing to go along with it, let them have at it."
"What your daughter is going to find out is that she will have no say. Take whatever you were going to give them and give it to them as a gift after the wedding. You are NTA." - oldermom66
"I don't see where OP has a choice in letting them. It boils down to what he wants to contribute to that. I suspect that his daughter will be a lot more appreciative down the road to have something tangible from her dad."
"My suggestion would be to contribute the explicit $15K to the wedding costs and the extra $10K to a wedding gift, such as an education trust or something of that nature. That way, the other parents can contribute to that too if they want." - Salty_Interview_5311
"NTA. You made it clear to your kid how much you're willing to spend. If the in-laws want fancy and say they'll pay for it, LET THEM!!"
"For real, this isn't OP's problem. They offered a generous amount, just like they did for their other kid. If the in-laws want a six-figure wedding, let them deal with the logistics (and the inevitable headaches)." - Junior_Statement_262
"If they want to waste their money, let them. But they can't force you to."
"Save your money and help them buy a house. It's more meaningful anyway, and you'll get to let them have the final say in what their dream home will be."
"I'm not so sure that is going to happen if the in-laws want and are paying for a flashy and expensive wedding. They surely have a vision in mind. NTA." - selfpsycho
"OP hasn't really established that these are generally pushy and domineering people, and there's a genuine feeling that they will try to control the couple for life because the bride has said she doesn't want a big wedding and they won't let it go, etc."
"It really comes off like, 'My daughter is marrying into a family with a bigger bank account than us, and they want to have a big showy wedding, and I don't because I can't keep up with them, and it's going to make me look bad if folks find out that I didn't pay for all of this.'" - Techsupportvictim
"YTA for blocking a certain type of wedding that you aren't being required to pay for. Don't block it based on principle."
"Give your daughter the amount of money you are comfortable with, that you feel is fair among your children, and tell her to use it how she sees fit, be that a wedding, house, car, honeymoon, what have you."
"Let the soon-to-be-married couple determine their priorities themselves." - BlaketheFlake
"I feel like OP's ego is bruised or something. I genuinely can't think of another reason as to why OP would care so much what the groom's parents do with their own money."
"If I'm reading correctly, the couple would like a big wedding. Even though they may have been influenced by the groom's parents, that's their decision."
"You don't want to pay for it, but the groom's parents will foot the bill, and you are angry about it all."
"You're not the a**hole if you let it go, but if you continue to try to influence your daughter not to have the wedding she has chosen, you would be. In anticipation, YTA." - Sherpa_qwerty
"Oh my god, my own parents could've written this. My parents are asking for a toned-down wedding, with people, photos, food, a thrifted dress, and money left over to help us out. I love it."
"My in-laws are talking about having a grand affair with a destination and fancy hotels."
"I've decided to settle it by saying pay for what you want. If my in-laws are willing to foot the cost of every guest for a destination wedding, then that's what we have! But by no means are my parents or our guests expected to break their budget for a destination wedding."
"On the other hand, if my mom wants to bring her entire friend group and their families and all of her coworkers, then she has to be willing to pay for their seats, meals, and drinks." - Double-Profession900
But others cautioned that this could be debt the in-laws would want to collect in the future.
"Watch her future in-laws treat the wedding as a debt instead of a gift down the line. Any time she goes against the family, they'll hold that lavish wedding over her head." - RandomRainicorn
"If the in-laws pay for a lavish wedding, they might see it as something to be 'owed' down the line, using it as leverage whenever your daughter disagrees or wants to make her own choices."
"It can create a toxic dynamic where the wedding isn't a gift, but a debt she has to repay, which could cause tension and resentment in the future. It's important to think about the long-term impact, not just the immediate celebration." - xonaiomitsxo
"NTA. $25k is already very generous."
"Your daughter and her fiancé should really think about what they want and understand that if they let his parents fund an extravagant wedding, it's likely going to add more stress, and his parents will definitely want control over most details."
"Your daughter will feel pressure to not let her own wishes (for HER wedding) be heard if they're not aligned with the in-laws' because of what they're spending."
"I hope they're mature enough and firm enough to establish well-communicated boundaries." - navedanne
"Maybe have a conversation with your daughter and tell her if this big wedding is what she truly wants and the in-laws are willing to pay, then by all means, go for it."
"Tell her your concern is that it may get highjacked by the in-laws and she may end up having no say, especially in certain areas like food choices, cake flavors, etc."
"Perhaps tell her you will pay for her dress so that she will have full control over that choice. Anything left from the budget after the dress, you can gift to them towards a house. You're not the AH." - Dizzy_Government_289
"NTA. If they want it, they can pay for it."
"However, your daughter needs to think long and hard about this. Is she going to always give in to their demands/wishes? What happens if/when children come?"
"What does your daughter and her future spouse want?" - Strange_Jackfruit_289
"Your daughter saying, 'They'll pay for it,' sounds fishy. If the groom's parents wanna blow that kinda cash, let 'em, but don't feel obligated to match it. Stick to your original plan."
"Also, offering a down payment is way more practical. Trust your gut. This whole 'princess wedding' thing sounds like a recipe for drama." - NellyGracee
"Oh lord, my friend's daughter's in-laws are like this. My friend and her hubby told their four kids they would pay for college (up to 50k each) OR a wedding/house downpayments, and that was it."
"All of the kids were cool with that, but the daughter's in-laws told my friend that was totally unacceptable. My friend told her point blank, if they wanted to spend an additional 75k out of their pockets, they were more than welcome to, but my friend and husband weren't, end of story."
"The in-laws decided to spend the extra money and then tried to cull my friend's family and friends from the list as they now controlled everything. The MIL was especially smug about it when my friend said something to her."
"Thankfully, my friend's daughter and her now-hubby finally told the MIL and DIL this wasn't going to work and they didn't want this circus of a wedding. It was their wedding, and they wanted it their way."
"MIL freaked out at my friend's daughter and called her all kinds of nasty things. That was it, the future groom canceled the wedding, and the couple had a tiny wedding in Key West (in their budget) with my friend, her hubby, and siblings/their spouses/kids."
"The groom's parents were NOT invited, lol. The MIL has been banned from the grandkids too after more boundary stomping behavior." - Catfish1960
Everyone has their own vision of what they want for a wedding day and what will make an amazing wedding, but totally boundary-stomping someone else's wishes to get what you want is not the way to go.
The OP's daughter and future partner needed to stand firm by what they wanted and decide how that fit into the current discussion by both sides of the family. If they wanted a big wedding and the groom's parents were really willing to foot the bill without strings attached, that was the way to go.
But if they wanted a smaller wedding, the groom's parents needed to respect that, and the newlyweds could focus on building a life together, putting more money into a downpayment than a wedding day.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp