Everyone shows affection for their partner in their own way.
Some do it subtly, through gestures and behavior that not everyone might catch.
Others are more apparent and physical, having no inhibitions or shame about showing how much they love their partner.
Even if not everyone in their presence shares that comfort.
The parents of Redditor Prestigious_Use_5500 were soon to visit the home they had just purchased with their wife.
Before their visit, the original poster (OP)'s wife asked them to relay a message to their parents.
A message the OP didn't feel comfortable forwarding.
After their wife accused them of taking their parent's side over hers, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to tell my parents to tone down their PDA when they visit our new house?"
The OP explained why their wife was nervous about their parent's upcoming visit:
"My wife and I recently bought our first home, which we are both really excited about."
"Since moving in, we have been hosting friends and family more frequently."
"However, it has led to a major disagreement between my wife and me regarding my parents."
"My parents have always been very affectionate with each other."
"It is nothing inappropriate or sexual, but if they are sitting near each other, they are usually holding hands, leaning on one another, or rubbing each other's shoulders."
"Occasionally, my mom will sit on my dad's lap while everyone is chatting in the living room."
"My wife has always found this level of affection uncomfortable to be around."
"In the past, she never said anything because we were either at their house or out at dinner where they were paying."
"Now that we have our own place, she wants me to set a boundary and tell them to tone it down when they visit, arguing that she shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in her own home."
"I told my wife that I feel completely uncomfortable policing my parents' relationship like that."
"Telling two adults they cannot hold hands or sit together on a couch feels awkward and over the line to me, especially since they helped us financially to get the house in the first place."
"I have always backed my wife when other family issues came up, but trying to regulate normal affection feels unreasonable."
"My wife thinks I am choosing my parents' comfort over hers in our own house, and she is upset that I am refusing to have that conversation with them."
"AITA for refusing to tell them to stop?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to tell his parents to tone down their PDA.
Just about everyone agreed that this was their wife's problem, not the OP's, and if she wasn't comfortable with their parents' behavior, she should tell them herself:
"NTA."
"Nothing you’ve described seems over the top."
"Why is your wife so uncomfortable with this?"
"Maybe t understanding this would help you talk to her?"- AcanthisittaThat5746
"NTA."
"It’s your parents, and they’re really not doing anything that egregious."- OatmealDog1
"NTA."
"What about a compromise?"
"Hand-holding, sitting beside each other, or having an arm around your partner are the MOST normal and widely accepted forms of PDA."
"Sitting on their lap is questionable in my mind, unless there aren’t enough seats for everyone."
"Maybe just make sure you have enough seats?"
"I don’t know."
"I think it’s a good thing that your parents love each other!"- Bulky_Department5619
"NTA."
"They’re being regularly affectionate, not horny or gross."
"Your wife seems repressed."- CleverGirlRawr
"NTA."
"I feel sad for your wife though."- L1veFrom0akland
"NTA."
"Thats perfectly normal PDA for adults to show."
"It's weird ur wife is so uncomfortable around it."
"Why would seeing 2 ppl who love each other so much make someone uncomfortable?"- helpimtrappedinnet
"NTA."
"Just ask your wife:"
“'How do ya think I got here for Pete’s sake?'”- Chrono_Convoy
"NTA."
"I thought they were going to be behaving super inappropriately, but holding hands and sitting on someone's lap is not inappropriate, especially around other adults."
"You need to leave the financial help out of this disagreement, though."
"Them helping you with the house doesn't mean they can do what they want in your house."- CrabbiestAsp
"NTA."
"I understand that it’s his wife’s house too and she deserves to be comfortable in her own home."
"But asking people to not show normal, socially acceptable affection to each other is policing bodies that don’t belong to you in public."
"Asking ppl to take their shoes off to keep your floor clean is an acceptable ask when people come over to your home."
"Asking people to not show affection to their loved ones is not."
"I would dig into why this makes her uncomfortable."
"Is she uncomfortable when couples your age show affection to each other?"
"Is it their age?"
"Is it because they are your parents?"
"Is she uncomfortable if you are affectionate towards her in front of others?"
"This definitely sounds like something a therapist could talk about, but you could approach her with curiosity as well."
"You could also mostly go to their home if it makes her uncomfortable in yours."- littlebug627
"NTA."
"Celebrate the fact your parents love each other."
"They aren’t, by your own words, being inappropriate."
"I can’t imagine not being able to hold my husband’s hand."- HappySunshineGoddess
"NTA."
"Nothing you're mentioning sounds out of line for a normal, happy, loving relationship."
"My parents are like that (holding hands, intentionally being in each other's space in a positive way) most of the time; they've been together 43ish years."
"Are her parents not demonstrative like this?"
"Does she have an issue with PDA when it comes to your relationship?"
"It sounds like the problem is hers, or in her head, not with the actual behaviors your parents are exhibiting."- mahogany818
There were some, however, who felt more information might be needed, wondering if the discomfort of the OP's wife might have something to do with her upbringing, with some wondering what their standard level of PDA is:
"INFO is your wife quite prudish?"
"Did she grow up without affection?"
"Nothing you’re describing is sexual, it’s affection."
"Does she give you affection?"- welltravelledRN
"INFO: I want to know if and how you touch your wife in public."
"Does it weird her out?"
"Does she refuse to hold your hand?"- goddessofgoo
While a select few could see where the OP's wife was coming from, even if they still didn't think the OP should need to follow her instructions:
"NAH, so far. YWBTA if you thought stating you are uncomfortable saying anything at all means the issue is solved."
"I understand how it would be uncomfortable for you to police your parents."
"However, I do not think it is the handholding that is making your partner uncomfortable; rather, I wonder if it is the lap-sitting."
"I know I would feel weirded out if any guests started doing that at home; it is just a rude thing to do in company and not necessarily because of the PDA itself."
"I will try to word as well as I can why that is uncomfortable for a host or other guests in the house:"
"Lap-sitting physically raises one person above everyone else, which ruins normal, eye-level group conversation."
"It turns two distinct family members into a single, physically joined unit, making it impossible to chat with either of them individually."
"It leaves the rest of the family/guests scrambling to figure out where to look."
"Facing them feels intrusive, but actively looking away creates a tense atmosphere."
"They are imposing intimacy on everyone in the room (a neutral zone), forcing everyone (other family and guests) to be an unwilling audience."
"Casual touch like hand-holding or leaning allows a couple to stay connected while remaining open to the room."
"Lap-sitting builds an invisible wall that cuts them off from the group."
"This one depends entirely on the level of PDA one grew up around, but it can make everyone else in the room self-conscious."
"People stop sharing jokes, updates, or casual banter because they are hyper-aware of the physical dynamic."
"It instantly shifts a family gathering into a private date night, making everyone else in the room feel like an accidental third wheel."
"You should be willing to talk to your parents about the lap-sitting and also be willing to give your wife the opportunity to explain why she feels uncomfortable and like she has no say about what happens in her home (even if your parents helped, it is yours and hers, not theirs)."- tres_liebres
Regardless of one's comfort level, overly sexual behavior in public is not usually appreciated by anyone.
However, the OP's parents weren't being hyper-sexual, but rather simply displaying "affection."
If this kind of behavior makes the OP's wife uncomfortable, it may help to discuss the root cause in therapy.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.