Every person who says "I Do" wants it to be a day they'll never forget.
Wanting a perfect wedding isn't a crime.
But the event should be unforgettable for all of the right reasons.
Family drama can tend to blur the beauty of it all.
Family not showing up can certainly be unforgettable.
Redditor Marwyn-the-Mage wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my family that my sister strongly implied that she doesn't want me at her wedding, causing most of them to RSVP no?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My sister and I have always had a complex relationship and are very different from one another but I do love her and only want her to be happy."
"She got engaged a few months ago, and at the beginning of last month, she called me and told me that they're going to have the wedding in Alberta since his whole family is there."
"Then she said that she wanted me there but would 'totally understand' if I didn't come since I don't fly and it's a 3-4 day drive."
"At that moment, I didn't realize she was telling me not to come, so I told her that I wouldn't miss it for the world, that I would drive with our cousin and make a road trip out of it."
"Last Thursday, I got my invitation, and when I called to RSVP, I asked about the dress code since my Dad told me that she emailed him about a certain color suit and tie so they could coordinate the pictures."
"She told me that I didn't have to worry about that, that it's nothing personal but because I have stretched ears, piercings, and a tattoo on my hand, I don't fit the aesthetic they're going for."
"So if I come we'll take pictures with just us but I won't be in THE pictures."
"I don't cry often but that made me cry and I told her that if she doesn't want me there I won't go, she didn't say anything and we hung up."
"On Friday I had lunch with my grandparents and my uncle and told them about it, my grandmother got so upset that she started crying and told me that if I'm not welcome neither are my grandparents."
"My aunt and her husband and all my cousins RSVP'd no as well and my brother and parents are thinking about not going as well. "
"Although it means the world that they love me so much, I feel awful like I've ruined my sister's wedding and that I should've kept my mouth shut."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Tell me, am I the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Hope her aesthetically empty bride side fits her mood board." ~ Classic-Delivery3875
"Let's hope the groom gets a clue as to what kind of person their future spouse actually is before the wedding happens." ~ rainyhawk
"What's with all these brides playing doll houses and dressing up with actual humans?"
"It blows my mind the level of self-centeredness that's on display here."
"OP you are clearly NTA, your sister is, and it's wonderful you have supportive family members who accept people for being who they are and act accordingly; stand firmly with those who are warm and loving and give a cold shoulder to shallow airheads." ~. Vaiuri
"NTA - you had every right to speak to your family about being hurt."
"It was their choice to turn down the invitation." ~ Sad-Country-9873
"As much as I hate to see yet another post about a bride who cares more for aesthetics than her family, I am so happy to see the rest of your family supporting you."
"Often this isn't the case in these situations. NTA!" ~ Anon_819
"NTA. You didn't make the decision for them or ask them not to go; they chose to opt out." ~ artificialdisasters
"NTA. And I have to ask, WTF is it with all these brides being focused on a f**king AESTHETIC and not spending the day with family and friends and focusing on that???"
"This is the 4th or 5th post like this I've read this week, and it's f**king MONDAY." ~ Realistic-Weird-4259
"Wow, this is actually the best family dynamic I've ever read on this sub."
"Usually it would go 'So my family told me to remove my piercings or else I couldn't come to the wedding at all.'"
"But you have a family who stood up for you in their own way."
"That's something to be proud of. NTA." ~ stugots_05
"NTA - Your sister cares more about appearances than family." ~ iamk1ng
"NTA. Your sister has obviously not cultivated much loyalty in the family."
"Apparently, she's not any nicer to them than she is to you."
"Your sister is an AH."
"You did nothing wrong by telling the truth."
"SHE ruined her wedding by her attitude towards you."
"Sharing what she said and why you're not going to the wedding is not a crime."
"If she didn't want it to get around, then she shouldn't have said it."
"I can't even say my sister and I are friendly but I would never, ever dream of excluding her from my wedding!"
"You and your family should hold a party for everyone not going." ~ uTop-Artichoke5020
"Honestly, you'd have to be a bit dense to not get the message his sister was sending him."
"She 'totally understands' if OP doesn't come."
"OP won't be in the wedding photos. Silence when asked if she didn't want OP to come."
"Gimme a break."
"NTA, OP."
"Your sister made her feelings known and now your family is showing solidarity and making their feelings known."
"Blaming yourself takes away their agency, their choice."
"Blaming yourself implies that your entire extended family can't think for themselves."
"I completely understand your response and even your instinct to blame yourself, but your sister has absolutely nobody to blame but herself, and your family absolutely has the right to come together and show you (and your sister) how much you mean to them."
"Don't let anyone (or any commenter) tell you differently." ~ G1Gestalt
"NTA. This isn't your fault or your decision."
"Your sister made the decision that you didn't 'fit the aesthetic they were looking for.'"
"If it ruins her wedding, then this is on her and the decisions she made."
"Your family is saying that they do not appreciate your sister purposely excluding a member of the family from the wedding."
"No decision you made led to this."
"You did not tell your grandparents about this out of spite - you were simply seeking comfort."
"It is a mark in your favor that you feel guilty about this - it shows that you do want the best for the people around you."
"But you should understand, at least intellectually, that it isn't your fault and your family's reactions aren't your fault." ~ bamf1701
"NTA and you haven't ruined your sister's wedding; your sister is ruining your sister's wedding."
"I can't understand the attitude of everybody needing to fit a certain 'aesthetic' in order to be special enough to attend a wedding. WTF."
"Just invite the people you want to celebrate with and enjoy the evening."
"Weddings don't need to be as complicated as some people make them."
"Hopefully, she realizes her mistake, and clearly, she doesn't get to have her picture-perfect day while making a family member feel like s**t."
"She definitely owes you an apology." ~ BoobySlap_0506
"NTA... your family is free to make their own decisions."
"Apparently, your sister isn't too popular with them either."
"Maybe their relationships with her are 'complex' too." ~ Scrapper-Mom
"NTA. While it is your sister's wedding, and she can invite whomever she wants, the 'not fitting the look' she is going for is a weak excuse."
"Other family members are free to choose if they attend or not, so if they don't attend, it is not your fault."
"Just keep being you and don't change for others." ~ kiwimuz
"NTA. Plenty, and I mean plenty of people in AB, have stretched ears, piercings, and tattoos."
"In fact, you would probably fit in here better than she would, as it's hard to find anyone without a tattoo here."
"Your sister needs to get over herself."
"Despite our conservative reputation, we got no time for people like her." ~ Hefty-Equivalent6581
"NTA. Your sister was open about not wanting you in the family pictures."
"That's tantamount to disowning you."
"You were honest about the situation with the rest of the family, and they made their own choices about what kind of people they want in their family."
"And it's not the sort of person who chooses aesthetics over siblings or who invites a family member only to not include them as a family in a very, very public forum."
"That's not just mean, it's cruel." ~ Cryptographer_Alone
"NTA. This bad judgment was all on THEM."
"And poorly handled to boot."
"My sister was like this; she didn't have my WIFE in the wedding party because she didn't fit the 'aesthetic.'"
"My wife was the mother of three little ones at the time and was not thin like my sister's friends."
"I wasn't at the wedding party either and couldn't have cared, but this really hurt my wife."
"I stated I wasn't going, but in the end, I was stupid and caved into my parent's guilting me into attending."
"Never again."
"I regret letting them manipulate me and putting me through that."
"What my parents should have done was to let things go, but they wanted the 'perfect' wedding."
"And it was."
"Two a**holes marrying. Perfect."
"Years later, they've elevated a**hole to a master level." ~ ProfessionalBread176
"Not your place to worry about what other people do."
"I wouldn't go."
"They choose to not go due to the restrictiveness of the request."
"Not your decision on their behalf."
"Choices make others make their own choices."
"Not your problem. NTA." ~ Lucky_Log2212
Reddit is with you, OP.
It is your sister's wedding, so her wedding, her rules.
But this is hurtful behavior.
It may be best to try to get everyone to communicate together.
So that this situation doesn't get any messier.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp