Content Warning: Struggles with Infertility, Mom-shaming
No two mothering journeys are exactly the same, and honestly, there’s something really beautiful about that.
But there will always be someone who insists that their way of parenting is superior, while others should probably just sit this one out, side-eyed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Thin-Masterpiece2750 struggled for years to have a baby, and after treatments and surgeries, she’d never been able to have a baby and planned to adopt next.
When her younger sister got pregnant and let slip that her older sister would never be a ‘real mom,’ the Original Poster (OP) was shocked and didn’t want to be involved in her sister’s pregnancy journey any longer.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to go to my sister’s baby shower after she told me I’ll never be a ‘real mom’?”
The OP was willing to do whatever it took to have a child.
“I’ve (33 Female) spent the last five years trying to become a mom. Three failed rounds of IVF, multiple surgeries, hormone treatments, and more heartbreaking phone calls than I can count.”
“My husband and I finally decided to adopt, not as a backup plan but as our next choice.”
“I’m excited, but the grief from infertility doesn’t just go away. You just learn how to carry it without letting it swallow you.”
The OP was excited and supportive of her sister getting pregnant.
“My younger sister (29 Female) is pregnant. First try. Everything went smoothly. She glows in every ultrasound photo.”
“The family is over the moon. I’ve tried to be happy for her.”
“I helped her set up her baby registry. I sat with her through every pregnancy rant. I liked her bump photos on social media while quietly dealing with my own ache.”
It soon became clear that the OP’s sister did not feel equally supportive of her.
“Then, at a family dinner, someone asked me how the adoption process was going.”
“I started to answer, and my sister cut me off mid-sentence. She laughed and said, ‘It’s not like you’ll really know what it’s like. You’re not going to be a real mom.'”
“I froze. My chest felt tight. She brushed it off right away and said she didn’t mean it like that and that it was a joke.”
“But it didn’t feel like a joke. It felt like something she already believed, and it slipped out.”
“I left early that night and sat in my car for a long time and cried harder than I had in months.”
The OP did not feel comfortable being involved in the festivities after what was said.
“When her baby shower invite came, I didn’t RSVP. She messaged me and asked why.”
“I told her the truth and that I couldn’t celebrate motherhood with someone who didn’t believe I’d ever really be a mother.”
“Now my mom’s upset. She says I’m making things uncomfortable and that my sister was just joking and didn’t mean it.”
“But slips like that come from somewhere. They show what someone really thinks, even if they didn’t mean to say it out loud.”
“I’ve fought for years to become a mom. I’ve carried pain, disappointment, and hope through every step. And with one careless sentence, my sister reduced all of it to nothing.”
“I don’t feel like I should show up for someone who can’t see the battle I’ve fought just to get this far.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were immediately disgusted with the OP’s sister and mother.
“Your sister is an a**hole. Your mother is an a**hole. Anyone who says adoptive moms are not ‘real moms’ is an ignorant a**hole. You are NTA.”
“I’m sorry for the grief you’re dealing with, and I wish you all the luck with your adoption journey.” – Seamore_J_Turtle
“How was it a joke? How was it supposed to be funny? I’d want the answer to those questions before I even considered going near that shower.” – Dimityblue
“NTA. I’m one to take dark jokes, but this wasn’t that. I’m so sorry.”
“Obviously, you felt the angst going through this with her while knowing you never could in your past attempts. She knows too. You’d dealt with it gracefully, and for this to be how she frames and brings it up… it’s no joke, it just goes to show what she thought of it. A pitiful thing she can scoff at and make light of.”
“This isn’t a ‘I’m the X sister and she’s the Y sister’ (like. beauty and brains, athletic and artsy, etc.) you can flippantly make light of after years of acknowledgment and mutual support. She just said this, in that moment, her mind couldn’t let you have that moment to share your parenting journey without mocking/dismissing it.”
“Sorry, I’m not making you feel better, but I totally get why you’d rather not go anymore. Knowing you didn’t get sympathy all along, just this mocking sense of superiority, from your own sister.”
“It’s fine she doesn’t get the battle (I’m sure you were glad she won’t have to experience that), but to dismiss and mock it is not supportive of you and you’ve been supportive all the way (not made it about you).” – mayfeelthis
“NTA. Your sister is cruel and thoughtless. I hope she develops some empathy and kindness before this baby is born.”
“For me, it would be no contact moving forward. Maybe entertain a sincere apology, but it would be hard for me to believe it.”
“I definitely wouldn’t let her around my child. Can you imagine the cruel and thoughtless things she could say in front of or directly to your child? About you as a mother? About their ‘place’ in the family?”
“You made nothing uncomfortable. Your sister created this situation because she’s just a heartless, cruel person. Tell your mom I said as much!” – KindlyCelebration223
“Why is it always the wronged party that is accused of making things uncomfortable? Your sister is an a** and acted like one. Tell your mother that strangers on Reddit have more sense than she does.”
“You have every right to be offended and hurt. I wouldn’t want that sister around any child who is lucky enough to be adopted into your family. She’s horrible! NTA.” – lauriepas
“NTA and how dare they? OP, I am so sorry for all that has happened. But your sister and mom showed you who they are. Believe it and listen.”
“They don’t get to celebrate your adoption, spend time without you with your new child, etc. Not without some steep reflection and apologies!” – Civil_Environment858
Others reassured the OP that she would absolutely be a mother when the time came.
“NTA… Giving birth doesn’t make you a mother. Unconditional love and selflessness make you a mother.” – RedheadedChaos1102
“NTA. You deserve to be a mom, and I’m sure you’ll be amazing! With a mother as insensitive as her, I worry for this child. Family isn’t just blood; it’s love.” – Icy-Foundation-2333
“You will be a great mom when you are. You will be better than your mother, who is failing you by pandering to your sister. Your sister is a shallow, vainglorious, self-absorbed b***h who should have her mouth washed out with soap.”
“You have every right not to go to the shower. I wouldn’t be surprised if she said nasty things there, too. Your mother needs to be told that you being your sister’s doormat is not the price of her comfort and that she’s failed you.” – Flat-Style-7877
“NTA… and also, many people give birth to children and are never real mothers. It’s what you do with motherhood, THAT is what will make you a mother.”
“Sending you a ton of love.” – Key-Cheesecake3529
“NTA. Your sister is an awful human for even thinking that. I went through secondary infertility, and it was awful. I can’t imagine how hard it would be on the first person.”
“It is so hard mentally and emotionally. Not to mention it is physically demanding with all of the shots/pills you have to take.”
“Adoption also makes you a real mom. I don’t care. You are showing how big your heart is to open it to a kid(s) you didn’t give birth to. Not all people are able to do that.”
“If she is too close-minded to see that, then maybe you should go low contact, or none at all, for your mental health.” – Either-Challenge4253
“You totally will be the real mom of your child. But your ‘sister,’ with her attitude, jokes, and supporters, could cause real harm to your child and marriage.”
“Go NO-CONTACT and totally permanently BLOCK her and her supporters on EVERYTHING. Your REAL family and friends will be on YOUR side. And they will welcome YOUR child with open arms.”
“Blood doesn’t make the family. Love does. NTA.” – Responsible-Kale-904
“NTA. Infertility is such an isolating experience. Your sister has seen you go through these struggles for years. I can’t imagine having someone say something so hurtful to such a tender and vulnerable part of my life. Protect yourself.”
“And I wish you the best of luck in your adoption journey! You have fought so very hard to be a mom. You will be an amazing mom! The mommest mom of all moms.” – NoRecommendation1849
The subReddit was disgusted by the statement that the OP’s sister made and the fact that the OP’s mom was defending her sister’s “joke” instead of the OP’s pain.
The best thing the OP could do was surround herself with people who loved and supported her, her partner, and her future children, no matter how they came together. Otherwise, there was no telling what other “jokes” would circulate about the OP’s motherhood or her child’s “place” in the family.