Redditor Chemical_Party_9901 recently got a bonus at work and now the question becomes, what happens with that money?
The Original Poster (OP) recently got into it with their wife because she wants the bonus money to be family money, but they want the bonus money to be personal money.
This argument drove the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
They asked:
"AITA for feeling my work bonus should be my money and not family money?"
They went on to explain:
"Hey, I got into a little argument with my wife regarding my work bonus. This is my first job in my field after school."
"We recently had a performance review and I got a raise and bonus. My wife feels like my bonus should be considered family money."
"My wife does not get monetary bonuses at her job, she works on an hourly rate. I also earn more and pay a higher percentage of our household expenses."
"We got into it because I wanted to keep my bonus and use it on myself. My wife feels like we should use it for the family or save it."
"I tried to explain that I do feel I should be free to use my work bonus as I wish. She is calling me selfish and claims I do not understand what marriage means."
"I see no issue with a bonus being used solely by the person who earned it. I told her if she got a bonus I would not question what she did with it."
"She then replied if I got one I would use it for us as a family."
"Am I the a**hole and in the wrong here? If I am considered to be, I will apologize to her tonight."
"We are both 26, no kids."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"What is possibly the logic behind sharing your salary (which you earned with support of your wife) with your family and not your bonus (which you earned with support of your wife) ?"
"Explain this hypocrisy to me please"
"YTA" - No_Mongoose54786799
"Getting a bonus does not mean you're special."
"A few years from now, when you've been through several years of evaluations and bonuses, you're going to look back on this and feel foolish for thinking your bonus was incredibly special."
"Bonuses are part of your company's compensation scheme. A bonus was always going to be part of your compensation."
"They decreased everyone's salary a bit to create the bonus pool. Whether it's salary or bonus, it's still income."
"Receiving a bonus does not mean you're special. It just means you met specific criteria."
"So stop with the 'I'm so special I got a bonus' crap, and share your income as agreed. Celebrate meeting your work criteria like a normal person, by going out for dinner."
"YTA" - Literally_Taken
"Sorry dude, unless your bonus was under 200$, YTA. If you are married any financial decisions should be made jointly unless it is a small amount."
"My husband and I (30 years married) selected 200$ when we married. We now have a net worth in the millions and still use the $200 rule."
"We kind of joke about it, but we still do it. We are a TEAM. My first husband who passed away young and i did the same thing. In both instances both partners worked."
"In the first marriage he earned far more in my second marriage I earned about 25% more. That wasn't the issue,ever. It is the teamwork aspect."
"When I married my dad told me 'when you get an award at work buy yourself something to recall the achievement' he didn't say spend it all."
"I still have some jewelry I bought many years ago to commemorate an award. But I didn't spend the entire award and always discussed it with my spouse. YTA." - Reddit
"YTA. You have an agreement on how you share the finances, and you're trying to bullsh*t your way out of it."
"Also, it's hilarious that you try and pull the 'she can keep her bonuses, so it's fair' card when you know that she doesn't get any bonuses."
"Bonus is salary, and your distinction is nonsense." - Basic-Regret-6263
"'She is calling me selfish and claims I do not understand what marriage means.'"
"She's right. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership; you both should be working together for the good of both of you, for the good of the team."
"You're looking out for yourself only, and that's why YTA." - PingPongProfessor
"YTA. The bonus is part of your compensation. If you want to use it for something to reward your hard work, I suggest having that idea ready for your wife."
"But to blanket a policy of bonuses for the person who earned it, that's weird."
"Can't wait for the wife to win the lottery and let you know her $1B is hers and not yours." - Familiar_Practice906
"With every rebuttal, OP digs his heels in further to defend his single-minded behavior. He has no idea what true partnership means, and acts as if it's his wife's privilege to be married to him."
"I hope you grow up, and your wife escapes soon. Sadly, YTA." - HWDRedd
"YTA, you should spend it how you want but the fact that you DON'T want to spend it on your family, at least part of it, should make you pause and think."
"Your wife surely got the message of your priorities and how much (or little) you value the family." - Cool_Department_1027
"I am forever baffled at married people who have a 'you sink, I float,' mentality."
"Your wife has a different pay structure than you that doesn't include bonuses ever, so she should just be perpetually on a budget while you get discretionary fun money?"
"My husband used to be in sales and would get bonuses, commissions, and spiffs that made his income vary wildly from month to month."
"I am a nurse with a very steady paycheck and great job security. There were times he earned way more than me, but also periods of minimal take home and unemployment."
"I cannot imagine how resentful we both would be if he had spent those commissions only on himself and I had refused to float him during unemployment."
"We all sink or float together; that's the point of marriage! YTA" - ferngully1114
"Bonuses are considered employment income and are therefore as much marital funds as is the rest of your salary. As is your raise."
"Having help at home helps you perform at work, as much as both of your incomes help you at home."
"Soft YTA here, because I think you are just wrong, not really an a**hole."
"FYI: lottery win = family asset. Inheritance = personal asset. Look at the laws where you are." - candycoatedcoward
The OP went on to post an update:
"Update: it has been a lovely ride. You guys can relax. We came up with a solution when I spoke with her on the bus ride home."
"She convinced me to use the bonus as a down payment instead of saving for it outright. So yes, I am getting my car."
"I did show her the thread, and she laughed her a** off and said we should keep it going to see how it plays out. It was fun we had a blast reading the comments."
"We did have a bet going, not the outcome we wanted. Sticking strong with NTA. Verdict accepted. My wife was in the YTA camp. She probably won, but as they say, a win by proxy I will take it."
"On a more serious side, thank you for explaining how bonuses work. I will be talking to payroll to see what is the nature of my bonus and if they are considered on a yearly basis…"
"…and I will also look into the benefits of filing jointly."
"My wife did way many of you need love cause she was surprised to see all the rage and divorce comments."
"As she put it marriage must be weak if something like this is divorce-worthy to many of you."
"My wife did have one question, why were people giving her the benefit of the doubt when they were told she would use her bonus for our family…."
"…yet when I mentioned I would let her keep her bonus if she got one I was told that is bullsh*t, and it is easy to say since I know it would not happen."
"I agree that part also confused me. I just told her it was a more reasonable view that someone would do something nice."
"That said, we are both done, she told me not to bother with the update because no one would believe me anyway, but doing so for the handful of people that were being helpful."
"I missed many comments, and I appreciate what was said and know it is not an advice sub but I will take it to heart and look into it."
"Have fun and happy Halloween."
"One last edit since people keep asking via, the raise was $8250 and came with a matching bonus."
Everyone's financial agreements in their marriage differ.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.