Redditor Chemical_Party_9901 recently got a bonus at work and now the question becomes, what happens with that money?
The Original Poster (OP) recently got into it with their wife because she wants the bonus money to be family money, but they want the bonus money to be personal money.
This argument drove the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
They asked:
"AITA for feeling my work bonus should be my money and not family money?"
They went on to explain:
"Hey, I got into a little argument with my wife regarding my work bonus. This is my first job in my field after school."
"We recently had a performance review and I got a raise and bonus. My wife feels like my bonus should be considered family money."
"My wife does not get monetary bonuses at her job, she works on an hourly rate. I also earn more and pay a higher percentage of our household expenses."
"We got into it because I wanted to keep my bonus and use it on myself. My wife feels like we should use it for the family or save it."
"I tried to explain that I do feel I should be free to use my work bonus as I wish. She is calling me selfish and claims I do not understand what marriage means."
"I see no issue with a bonus being used solely by the person who earned it. I told her if she got a bonus I would not question what she did with it."
"She then replied if I got one I would use it for us as a family."
"Am I the a**hole and in the wrong here? If I am considered to be, I will apologize to her tonight."
"We are both 26, no kids."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"What is possibly the logic behind sharing your salary (which you earned with support of your wife) with your family and not your bonus (which you earned with support of your wife) ?"
"Explain this hypocrisy to me please"
"YTA" - No_Mongoose54786799
"Getting a bonus does not mean you're special."
"A few years from now, when you've been through several years of evaluations and bonuses, you're going to look back on this and feel foolish for thinking your bonus was incredibly special."
"Bonuses are part of your company's compensation scheme. A bonus was always going to be part of your compensation."
"They decreased everyone's salary a bit to create the bonus pool. Whether it's salary or bonus, it's still income."
"Receiving a bonus does not mean you're special. It just means you met specific criteria."
"So stop with the 'I'm so special I got a bonus' crap, and share your income as agreed. Celebrate meeting your work criteria like a normal person, by going out for dinner."
"YTA" - Literally_Taken
"Sorry dude, unless your bonus was under 200$, YTA. If you are married any financial decisions should be made jointly unless it is a small amount."
"My husband and I (30 years married) selected 200$ when we married. We now have a net worth in the millions and still use the $200 rule."
"We kind of joke about it, but we still do it. We are a TEAM. My first husband who passed away young and i did the same thing. In both instances both partners worked."
"In the first marriage he earned far more in my second marriage I earned about 25% more. That wasn't the issue,ever. It is the teamwork aspect."
"When I married my dad told me 'when you get an award at work buy yourself something to recall the achievement' he didn't say spend it all."
"I still have some jewelry I bought many years ago to commemorate an award. But I didn't spend the entire award and always discussed it with my spouse. YTA." - Reddit
"YTA. You have an agreement on how you share the finances, and you're trying to bullsh*t your way out of it."
"Also, it's hilarious that you try and pull the 'she can keep her bonuses, so it's fair' card when you know that she doesn't get any bonuses."
"Bonus is salary, and your distinction is nonsense." - Basic-Regret-6263
"'She is calling me selfish and claims I do not understand what marriage means.'"
"She's right. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership; you both should be working together for the good of both of you, for the good of the team."
"You're looking out for yourself only, and that's why YTA." - PingPongProfessor
"YTA. The bonus is part of your compensation. If you want to use it for something to reward your hard work, I suggest having that idea ready for your wife."
"But to blanket a policy of bonuses for the person who earned it, that's weird."
"Can't wait for the wife to win the lottery and let you know her $1B is hers and not yours." - Familiar_Practice906
"With every rebuttal, OP digs his heels in further to defend his single-minded behavior. He has no idea what true partnership means, and acts as if it's his wife's privilege to be married to him."
"I hope you grow up, and your wife escapes soon. Sadly, YTA." - HWDRedd
"YTA, you should spend it how you want but the fact that you DON'T want to spend it on your family, at least part of it, should make you pause and think."
"Your wife surely got the message of your priorities and how much (or little) you value the family." - Cool_Department_1027
"I am forever baffled at married people who have a 'you sink, I float,' mentality."
"Your wife has a different pay structure than you that doesn't include bonuses ever, so she should just be perpetually on a budget while you get discretionary fun money?"
"My husband used to be in sales and would get bonuses, commissions, and spiffs that made his income vary wildly from month to month."
"I am a nurse with a very steady paycheck and great job security. There were times he earned way more than me, but also periods of minimal take home and unemployment."
"I cannot imagine how resentful we both would be if he had spent those commissions only on himself and I had refused to float him during unemployment."
"We all sink or float together; that's the point of marriage! YTA" - ferngully1114
"Bonuses are considered employment income and are therefore as much marital funds as is the rest of your salary. As is your raise."
"Having help at home helps you perform at work, as much as both of your incomes help you at home."
"Soft YTA here, because I think you are just wrong, not really an a**hole."
"FYI: lottery win = family asset. Inheritance = personal asset. Look at the laws where you are." - candycoatedcoward
The OP went on to post an update:
"Update: it has been a lovely ride. You guys can relax. We came up with a solution when I spoke with her on the bus ride home."
"She convinced me to use the bonus as a down payment instead of saving for it outright. So yes, I am getting my car."
"I did show her the thread, and she laughed her a** off and said we should keep it going to see how it plays out. It was fun we had a blast reading the comments."
"We did have a bet going, not the outcome we wanted. Sticking strong with NTA. Verdict accepted. My wife was in the YTA camp. She probably won, but as they say, a win by proxy I will take it."
"On a more serious side, thank you for explaining how bonuses work. I will be talking to payroll to see what is the nature of my bonus and if they are considered on a yearly basis…"
"…and I will also look into the benefits of filing jointly."
"My wife did way many of you need love cause she was surprised to see all the rage and divorce comments."
"As she put it marriage must be weak if something like this is divorce-worthy to many of you."
"My wife did have one question, why were people giving her the benefit of the doubt when they were told she would use her bonus for our family…."
"…yet when I mentioned I would let her keep her bonus if she got one I was told that is bullsh*t, and it is easy to say since I know it would not happen."
"I agree that part also confused me. I just told her it was a more reasonable view that someone would do something nice."
"That said, we are both done, she told me not to bother with the update because no one would believe me anyway, but doing so for the handful of people that were being helpful."
"I missed many comments, and I appreciate what was said and know it is not an advice sub but I will take it to heart and look into it."
"Have fun and happy Halloween."
"One last edit since people keep asking via, the raise was $8250 and came with a matching bonus."
Everyone's financial agreements in their marriage differ.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp