Managing a household budget is one of the most delicate balances of a marriage.
Particularly when a joint account is in play.
It’s very easy for someone to get angry with their spouse for using the joint account to make a costly purchase, only to find themselves wanting to make an even more expensive purchase shortly thereafter.
Redditor Disastrous-Power-101 was constantly being scolded by their husband for using their joint account to make various purchases.
Eventually, however, the OP discovered that their husband was really in no position to reprimand them, after discovering he had been using the account far more than she had, for less than-necessary-purchases.
With this newfound information, the OP felt there was only one fair solution to this deceit.
Wondering if they were being fair, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for trying to take back $80k of the $160,000 my spouse spent behind my back?”
The OP shared how after being constantly scolded for what their husband considered reckless spending, they made a rather startling discovery of their own regarding their finances:
“My husband spent $160,000 ‘investing’ in baseball cards without telling me.”
“During this same time he would get mad at me for spending money on meal plans or salon services.”
“I would get yelled at for my disrespectful spending and my financial goals not aligning with his, so he’d say.”
“He did most of this spending on his personal credit card that he paid for with our joint account.”
“For a long time I didn’t have access to our online banking so I didn’t see the amounts he was paying in his credit card.”
“Whenever I would question a $2 or 4,000 payment he would have some excuse and usually would say it was on the family or grocery store.”
“He would refuse to show me his statements.”
“One day, driving to lunch, he mentioned how my friends owed him for the concert tickets I had used his card to buy.”
“I agreed to get the money from them.”
“In mentioning the card though, I remembered just seeing another $4,000 payment come out of our joint.”
“This was after 2 months ago when he promised he had a $2,000 balance and was going to pay it off and stop using it.”
“So I asked, ‘I thought it was going to be paid off a couple months ago?'”
“That was all it took.”
“He launched in to me about how I ruin everything, we can’t just enjoy the day, this is why my relationships never work, on and on and dropped me back off to our house and left.”
“It was this outburst that made me realize there was more going on.”
“After lots of back and forth and digging and finally getting him to give me access to his credit card statements, I added up $160,000 in 3 years that he spent.”
“I already realize the financial abuse that has taken place on many levels, and there is so much I’m not including.”
“During all of this my husband met with a divorce lawyer, then begged ME for another chance.”
“That was about a year ago.”
“We are still together but as you can imagine the financial issues are only one of many issues we have.”
“At the time I realized what he had spent and that I was so ill prepared for a divorce, I started transferring money from our joint to my personal every month.”
“My goal, over time, is to take my half back, $80k, and invest how I want to.”
“He was of course mad but I basically said oh well.”
“He should have considered me when he spent it and I was only correcting a wrong.”
“Recently he made sure the money wasn’t in the account when my transfer was scheduled.”
“He did this 2 months in a row and said I could no longer do this.”
“I waited for the money to be there and did the transfer anyway.”
“He went nuts.”
“Telling me I’m a rat, he’s selling the house, dissolving our business, etc, etc.”
“He says that it’s wrong for me to go tit for tat and that I should let it go.”
“The money is just sitting in my account as Inhave not spent any of it.”
“Am I the a**hole for trying to take my half back over time?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the. a**hole for trying to get half of the money their husband spent back.
If anything, the Reddit community generally agreed that the OP needed to go a few steps further and file for divorce and safely secure what was rightfully theirs.
“Open a new account have any money you make deposited there instead of the joint account.”
“Get a lawyer ASAP.”
“File for divorce.”
“He is continuing the financial abuse.”
“NTA.”- mdthomas
“NTA.”
“OP the lawyer told him to fix sh*t quick or sell all his assets for cheap to friends/family because he’s going to get destroyed in court.”
“Take that money right now and hire a divorce lawyer this instant and have all your assets frozen and audited.”
“He’s likely hiding more than what you’ve seen.”- darkendvoid
“I think you know that obviously, you are NTA here.”- IamIrene
“Uh, excuse me….BASEBALL CARDS?!?!”
“NTA and you need to open new accounts at a completely different bank and file for divorce.”
“RUN.”- ThatWhichLurks782
“NTA for trying to claw back what you can, but you really need to talk to a lawyer.”- mifflewhat
“NTA.”
“Divorce him.”
“And let him pay off his debt.”- FinnFinnFinnegan
“NTA.”
“Sell the baseball cards, hire a lawyer, and STAY SAFE girl!!!!”- hanoihiltonsuites
“NTA.”
“Lawyer up, make sure you get half of his baseball card collection in the divorce.”- jimmyb1982
“NTA.”
“For wanting your money back, but you are definitely TA to yourself for staying in this sh*t.”
“Divorce him already.”
“Clearly the lawyer told him that it is far more profitable to continue financially abusing you than to divorce you.”
“Why are you staying in this?”- Valuable-Spare-7164
“NTA.”
“He has an addiction.”
“He is probably obsessed with obtaining the perfect collection.”
“This personality type can go bankrupt.”
“Obsessive collectors unchecked by reality it is like a drug addiction.”- throwawtphone
“NTA.”
“You are being abused and controlled.”
“Consider the marriage dead.”
“Prepare for some hard decisions.”
“Prepare to make some financial and personal sacrifices.”
“This is only fixable with a lawyer at this point.”- mostly_sarcastic
“Ummmm…. why have you not filed for divorce and threatened to sell the house and dissolve the business to get yourself back on a good financial footing?”
“NTA, but wow.”
“What are you waiting for?”- Quick-Possession-245
“Your maths are incorrect.”
“You need to take back $160,000.”
“Otherwise, he’ll have taken double what you will.”
“He’s already spent that full amount and gets the sole benefit from it.”
“NTA.”- Lazy_Instruction572
“If it is in fact an investment, he needs to sell the cards and return what he stole.”
“This is theft.”
“He stole from you.”
“He is either a straight up thief or an addict.”
“He is not a partner.”
“NTA.”- venturebirdday
“NTA.”
“He’s mad because he got caught and wants the funding you’re taking to support his baseball card empire.”
“You could still divorce him and demand the cards as part of the settlement.”
“Really throw him for a loop.”- 1000thatbeyotch
“NTA but get a lawyer, now.”
“A really good lawyer.”- Lisa_Knows_Best
“NTA.”
“But if he has $160k worth in baseball cards and you only have 80k them he is still up 80k.”
“Divorce.”
“He is gaslighting and financially abusing you.”- Dangerous_End9472
“NTA.”
“You really should leave this man.”
“Also 160k in cards doesn’t make your half 80k in cash.”
“To be even he would be either giving you 80k worth of the cards he already bought or you would be owed 160k in cash.”- ModernZombies
“How much you guys eating that he is blaming $4000 on groceries?”
“NTA.”
“Get your money back, and dump that loser.”- Lovebeingadad54321
“I’m from divorced parents when I was a kid.”
“Their fights would wake me at night, but I’d stay in my bedroom and didn’t say anything.”
“Sometimes was hard to get up for school, I was tired.”
“Obviously other things going on too.”
“When they separated I remember not waking up at night any more.”
“I also remember not going on vacations any longer.”
“It was uncomfortable when everyone got to talk all about what they did over the summer break, and I didn’t have anything to say.”
“It still wasn’t too bad.”
“Was nice on the summers we did a day trip somewhere, then got to say we went to ‘x’ and did ‘y’.”
“I can’t talk for all kids, I was glad they got divorced.”
“Things changed, but other things got better.”
“No one should live in an abusive marriage/relationship.”
“No kid should feel helpless.”
“NTA.”- Outrageous-forest
It’s always sad, if not downright heartbreaking, to hear stories of when someone knows they are being abused by their spouses but put up with it anyway.
The OP clearly knew their husband’s behavior was wrong, yet they somehow found a way to blame themselves.
Even if such major decisions should only be taken as a last resort, it’s hard not to agree with those who say it’s in the OP’s best interest to find themself a lawyer and make sure everything that is rightfully theirs is secured.