One of the most exciting aspects of becoming an adult is starting to form your own life.
To have a home and a family of your very own.
That being said, not everyone is in such a rush to leave their childhood home and might stay there as long as possible.
Nor are all parents eager for their children to fly the coop.
Redditor Turbulent-Coyote-721 and her husband were expecting their first baby.
Ahead of their child’s birth, the original poster (OP)’s mother-in-law (MIL) made a request in an effort to help them.
A request that didn’t interest the OP at all.
After being called “selfish” by their brother-in-law (BIL) for denying this request, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole Here (AITH)
While similar to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not moving in with my mother-in-law even though it would be cheaper and helpful?”
The OP explained why an upgrade in size and a decrease in rent did not appeal to her one bit:
“I’m currently pregnant with our first child, due in the spring.”
“My father-in-law passed away last year, and my mother-in-law still lives in their large house.’
“There’s a separate basement apartment that they used to rent out, and that tenant’s lease is up in March.”
“My husband and I currently rent a two-bedroom apartment in a gated community, about 20 minutes away from my MIL’s house.”
“We really love where we live we have amenities like a pool, gym, sauna, tennis courts, and a playground.”
“We love our neighbors, the 83-year-old lady next door is one of my favorite people, and I love knowing her, she is so excited to meet our baby.”
“We feel comfortable and safe, and are very happy here.”
“My MIL recently asked if we’d like to move into her house for reduced rent.”
“The idea would be that she stays in the basement apartment, and we take the main upstairs portion.”
“She would still own the house.”
“Eventually, when she passes, the house would be split three ways between my husband and his siblings, meaning we’d have to buy them out if we wanted to keep living there.”
“I’m very uncomfortable with this arrangement.”
“While my MIL is not a bad person, she is lonely, and I know she would be around constantly.”
“We are not religious, and she is very religious, which already causes some friction.”
“More than anything, I want our own space to build our little family, especially as new parents.”
“Even though it would be cheaper, I don’t feel comfortable living with her or being so intertwined long-term.”
“I expressed this to my husband, and after talking it through, he agrees that we’d rather stay where we are.”
“We can afford it, we’re happy, and we like being independent.”
“My brother-in-law thinks we’re being crazy and selfish.”
“He says it would be good for us financially, good for their mom emotionally, that we’d be there to help her with whatever she needs, and that she could babysit whenever we want.”
“He’s making it sound like we’re turning down some amazing opportunity and abandoning her.”
“Now I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable for wanting our independence, current lifestyle, and location over cheaper rent and helping family.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that it was perfectly valid for the OP to want to stay put and not move into her MIL’s house.
Everyone completely understood the OP wanting to create a home of her own, and if her BIL felt they were passing on too good an opportunity, then they felt he should be the one moving in with his mother, with some even detecting ulterior motives on his part:
“NTA.”
“Let your brother-in-law move in with her if it’s such a good idea.”
“Trust me, you do not want a mother-in-law around 24/7.”- Honey_Broad
“NTA.”
“BIL just wants you and your husband to be responsible for her so he doesn’t have to do anything.”-MovieLazy6576
“‘My brother-in-law thinks we’re being crazy and selfish. He says it would be good for us financially, good for their mom emotionally, that we’d be there to help her.”
“TRANSLATION: He’s trying to avoid providing any help himself.”
“Even if he lives far away, there can also be financial motives.”
“Expecting an inheritance that will be diminished if home care is hired ect.”- Scenarioing
“The BIL is saying this as you would then be living in care for the MIL and he doesn’t have to lift a finger.”
“If it’s that great a deal, he can move in.”
“Stick to your guns and stay independent!”
“NTA.”
“Don’t be guilted into by people with their own dodgy intentions.”- Allyredhen79
“Absolutely not.”
“You already know she’d be all over your space.”
“That literally used to be her house.”
“She’s not going to respect your space, because it’s literally her house.”
“You need your space as a new mom, learning to care for the baby, breastfeeding etc. do not cave.”
“NTA.”- HuhWelliNever
“Tell her to sell her house and move into your apartment complex.”
“Lots of amenities, no yard work, nice elderly neighbors, can see kids lots.”- ghostlikecharm
“No, you’re not.”
“Sounds like your BIL is afraid his mother will ask him to move in next if you don’t.”
“If your MIL was to leave the home to just you and your husband, that might be worth considering, but to face being uprooted again with possibly little warning – nah.”
“Continue to enjoy your current home and neighbors without guilt.”- morethan-lessthan
“NTA.”
“Sounds like BIL is looking for any reason not to have to be the one to deal with your MIL.”-WomanInQuestion
“Why doesn’t brother-in-law move in then?”
“If you are on site, you get any hassle attached, and he gets off Scot free!’
“If you can afford and are happy where you are, then stay there.”
“NTA.”- Mysterious_Light1231
“It’s always challenging to live with relatives, and a great relationship can go downhill pretty fast.”
“You don’t say how old your MIL is, but you would probably end up being her full-time caretaker as she ages.”
“I did that for my mother, for ten years and through multiple strokes (she smoked for 55 years), lung cancer, and lots of other health issues, and in the end I had to quit my job and missed a lot of time with my children because in addition to the daily care she also had many doctor and rehab appointments every week.”
“She literally became a full time job.”
“And I did it gladly.”
“But she left all her children equal parts of her estate because she didn’t want to show any favoritism.”
“My siblings visited and called her occasionally, but that was the extent of their help.”
“In the years after her deat,h I have gotten more and more resentful because I gave up a good portion of my life for her and she couldn’t ‘favor’ me in her Will, even though I gave up a decade of income for her.”
“So I personally wouldn’t move in with her.”
“If she put both you and your husband on the deed, maybe.”
“But then his siblings would be mad regardless of how much you do for her, they will just be angry that even if you were her full-time caretaker for XX years, so they don’t have to be, but won’t want you to be compensated if it means one penny less for them.”
“Tell her other children that they should move in with her knowing they will be taking care of her in her old age.”- Successful_Voice8542
“Hey, your brother-in-law sounds like he just volunteered to move in with his mom.”
“Problem solved.”- ZookeepergameOld8988
“Not the AH.”
“You are choosing your privacy and comfort, and you already are living comfortably where you are.”
“Abiding by your MIL’s religious sentiments would be a bit difficult, and if any argument erupts, then well, you cannot really do anything, as the house is owned by her.”
“The brother-in-law is also wrong here to not respect YOUR family’s financial decisions, and also how is it selfish if you are living in the house YOU paid for with your OWN money?”
“Also, how are you abandoning your MIL when she lives 20 minutes away?”
“Also, congratulations on your pregnancy, hope you take care, and everything goes well.”- qw3rt0z
Had the OP’s MIL gifted her the house, one imagines the OP might have come to a rather different conclusion.
However, the house was not gifted to the OP, but rather offered as a property to rent, while she was living there, and to possibly buy out in the future.
When weighing the pros and cons, it’s hard not to agree that the OP came to the right conclusion.
Something one can’t help but feel the OP’s BIL noticed as well, hence his determination to pressure the OP into. changing her mind…