It makes perfect sense that we always want the best medical care possible when we’re in need of it.
That goes twofold for new mothers tasked with providing good care for their newborns.
A new father’s recent post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), anonymously known as 00_throwaway9 on the site, shared a couple details in the post’s title.
“AITA for calling my wife petty in front of her family for putting her maiden name on our son’s birth certificate?”
OP first shard some background info.
“I’ve been married to my wife for 3 years.”
“I have a 16 yo son from my previous marriage and his grandparents and I are on good terms. We’ve set up a joint account to contribute towards his college fund.”
Recently, those long-term plans have suddenly become relevant.
“The problem started when my wife requested that I pull money from my son’s college fund to pay for a c-section in a private hospital.”
“I declined her request and refused to even negotiate.”
“She complained about how I didn’t seem to care about her or our son’s wellbeing even though there was nothing to worry about in terms of health.”
OP then shared his rationale.
“Yes every medical procedure has it’s own risks but the local free hospitals we have are decent and offer great care. All family members and friends had their kids there.”
“She disagreed and criticized the poor service local hospitals have and insisted that this was a big deal since it concerned both her and our son’s health.”
Things would take their course.
“I tried assuring her saying she will be fine but she argued that I have no idea what it’s like and told me if I refuse to put money towards the cse then I shouldn’t be surprised when she put her maiden name on our son’s bc instead of my family’s name.”
“I refused as I saw no need to waste money on private hospital when we had free service and care available.”
“She stopped bringing it up and days later she had a scheduled cs at a the local hospital and I wasn’t allowed to be at the hospital and I respected her wish.”
But it wasn’t quite that simple.
“I only saw my son when she came home and I was shocked to learn she went ahead and put her maiden name on the BC.”
“I immedietly went off on her but she said I caused this and claimed I was obviously favoring my oldest over my youngest before he was even born.”
“I said she was dead wrong and called her petty and vengeful for doing this purely to punish me solely for the fact that I was unable to afford a private hospital.”
“Her family watched and she told me to step out of the room but I said we weren’t finished talking.”
Then the in-laws got involved.
“She started crying and her mom got involved and told me to step out because I was stressing her daughter out.”
“I had an argument with her too and asked if she approves of any part of her daughter’s behavior and she just shook her head telling me to calm down and give her some time to rest.”
“She said no but I bare blame to for disregarding my wife’s needs after she made them clear and pointed out that pulling some money for the private hospital wouldn’t hurt but my parents disagreed and are pissed and refusing to even visit calling my wife unhinged and toxic.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
While responses to the post were somewhat mixed, most Redditors came out against OP.
“Wow I guess I’m the only one here, so bring on the down votes, but YTA.”
“Your wife is about to give birth to her first child, she is worried that the quality of health care that she will receive in this incredibly painful and vulnerable moment in her life is not good enough.”
“Instead of taking her seriously, trying to understand why she is concerned and potentially brainstorming for other ways to get the money to pay for the treatment, you laugh in her face and tell her she ‘should be fine with the free stuff’…”
“sure, easy for you to say as it’s not your vagina that will potentially burst open, and then get pissed the kid doesn’t get your last name like it’s 1950. You’re a huge a** and I hope she divorces you.” — nana_banana2
Others shared that feeling that OP had been. close-minded about the whole thing.
“YTA A c-section is major surgery. And it’s major surgery involving your wife AND child. Did you know that a mother’s stress level can cause life threatening complications during birth?”
“You didn’t even want to compromise. Instead of pulling from your other son’s college fund, take out a loan or something. You just said no and that she would be fine. Are you a doctor? Have you ever had a c-section? Were you the one going through it? No.”
“You didn’t even try to make it right with her. The moment she didn’t want you at the hospital you should have know how badly you screwed up.”
“You didn’t make her a priority and when she banned you from the hospital you then decided to respect her wishes? Why? Because it didn’t cost you anything? Wow.” — ThatsItImOverThis
“YTA. Even if you couldn’t take it from your other kid’s college fund you guys could have talked about it or figured something out. The way this was phrased it sounded like you just shut down the idea of a private hospital without a conversation.”
“Where and how you give birth is a big deal. The fact that your wife didn’t want you there also speaks volumes about y’all’s relationship. It seems like neither of you communicate well or are able to compromise.” — crepituscait
“YTA for not even considering the possibility that your children could carry your wife’s name. That’s sexist. This wouldn’t even be a ‘punishment’ if you didn’t have this attitude.”
Also, you should have addressed her concerns properly. Maybe taken advice from a health professional. I don’t know which country you’re from, but in mine, I’d opt for private any day.” — Specific_Think
A fair amount of people said both OP and his wife were in the wrong.
“ESH. Your wife for obvious reasons. Your kid’s college fund is not a family bank account.”
“That said — You yelled at a woman who had a c-section. And, she is absolutely right, you DO NOT know what it’s like. And, judging from most of the comments here, most commenters don’t.”
“This isn’t something women choose lightly. That’s major surgery where they re-arrange your insides, set your intestines to the side while they cut through layers of skin, fat, and muscle to remove a baby, and then literally use staples to keep you together.”
“Most c-sections are somewhat scheduled because IT IS MAJOR SURGERY. My plan was to have my son vaginally, but because of health issues, they planned an induction which led to a c-section.”
If you were so disconnected from your wife that you don’t know why she was having a c-section or what the recovery is like, you’re not the best partner you could be.”
She’s got two weeks before she can even sit up on her own, she’s oozing out of orifices and wounds, her boobs are aching and leaky, hormones are raging, her body is in shock, and you’re standing there dismissing her concerns and calling her petty.”
“You did this to yourself. Get ready to set aside two college funds.” — kittencaboodle
Similarly, others took a moment to consider all the variables at play.
“ESH I agree she does sound like she was being unreasonable so were you, shouting at her in front of her family when she had just got back from hospital, she was likely very tired and in pain she didn’t need that argument then” — BRACEwits
“ESH – the college fund is for your son and you aren’t the only person who has contributed to it. It would be unfair for you to use that money in any capacity. Especially since the local hospitals have decent care available.”
“You shouldn’t have argued with her after she had just gotten home from the hospital. She is probably quite stressed post giving birth. It’s best to give her some time to rest and discuss this at a later stage.”
“Don’t involve her family in it (or discuss it when they are around) as this issue is between you and your partner.” — AsAmericanAsApplePie
Unfortunately, most of the details shared in this post cannot be undone. Perhaps, though, these comments will help inform OP in the future.