In today's world, it can be challenging to find a job that one truly loves.
Many people are stuck in jobs they dislike.
It is rare to find a career that is both fulfilling and financially stable.
Sacrifices will often have to be made in the pursuit of a career.
This can cause turmoil in a relationship.
Redditor InvestigatorNaive978 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not wanting to quit my work position for my husband?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (27 F[emale]) have been married for 7 years to my (29 M[ale]) husband."
"We have a 6-year-old child together, and we have a good marriage."
"I am a Petroleum service technician, meaning I work Monday-Friday and sometimes late nights or on-calls on technical problems."
"Most days and weekends, I'm home before 5, and on-call is not often."
"I'm very good at what I do and make really good money doing it."
"My husband wants me to quit and work part-time or fewer hours, and his reasoning is that he feels my skills are needed more at home than in the field."
"He believes women should not work at all and that they belong at home."
"He also makes the same amount of money as I, and he only works M-F."
"Our daughter understands that when I have to leave, I help make the world go around, and she doesn't seem to have a problem when I have to go or when I work late."
"I really love my career and I am not interested in quitting, but I don't want to choose my work over my family."
"I feel most respected by my boss and co-workers, and my boss/co-workers encourage me to keep getting better and keep doing what I'm doing now."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not wanting to quit my job for my husband?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Keep working so you can leave him before his sexist s**t begins to clip your daughter's wings and limit her potential. NTA." ~ Feeling-Paint-2196
"That kind of attitude is a deal breaker."
"It's incredibly important for women always to be able to make a secure living."
"Keep working for sure."
"If you give you grief, believe that he is the kind of person everyone is saying he is." ~ Strange_Abrocoma9685
"I so agree!"
"Sounds like 'papa' doesn't want to take care of his child, and wants OP to stay home so that she can do it full time."
"Sounds like he's either jealous of her work success, or wants to control her, or just wants her to stay home to take care of everything."
"OP, don't stop working, protect yourself." ~ Capable_Restaurant11
"Your husband is trying to belittle you and your accomplishments."
"I would consider counseling, and if he doesn't grow up and respect you as a partner, NOTE... NOT HIS MOTHER. Leave." ~ jinxxed42
"As a man, if my wife made so much money that we could afford to live on only one income, I would quit and become a house husband instantly!"
"This guy's a dumba**!" ~ BenThereOrBenSquare
"NTA. Do not EVER allow a partner to take away your ability to make money."
"Being able to make your own money gives you CHOICE and FREEDOM."
"I personally know women who had to stay in bad relationships longer than they wanted to bc they had been out of the workforce and didn't have their own money to immediately leave."
"Emotional, physical, even FINANCIAL abuse is a thing."
"Don't you ever give up your autonomy?"
"He believes women should not work at all, and they belong at home."
"GEEZUS. Why TF did you marry him?!?!" ~ Spare-Shirt24
"Your husband feels the same way as you do and fears that you will get stronger."
"Don't let him take away your strength."
"Get out with your daughter before he starts using her as a weapon against you."
"That'll be his next move, believe me."
"She doesn't deserve to be treated this way, and neither do you." ~ Kela312
"Say no now."
"Your daughter deserves a chance to develop autonomy and freedom."
"She won't be able to do that if you model dependence and subjugation."
"Your future depends on your ability to work and make a living."
"You have to plan for retirement, medical emergencies, household emergencies, your child's future education, and inflationary events (current economics being a prime example of why financial planning and earning power are essential)."
"If husband dies, becomes disabled, or becomes an abusive prick (given his attitudes, he's not far off from that), you will need that extra cushion and all that work experience and growth."
"Do not ever give up your financial independence."
"If he doesn't like it, then show him the door." ~ Wide-Speaker-7384
"Keep the job."
"This is paying it forward to the future you and your daughter."
"Tell your husband that his request is unreasonable and seek couples counseling."
"If he refuses counseling, get your own so you'll be able to recognize the signs of manipulation and have the tools and resilience to deal with them."
"NTA. Take care." ~ BusCareless9726
"Unfortunately, you're married at a very young age to a sexist, who is blatantly disregarding what you want."
"Do you work with more men than women?"
"Do not be manipulated or bullied into giving up a well-paid career that you love."
"Do not let that be the example that you give your daughter."
"Be careful with your birth control." ~ Ameglian
"Absolutely this."
"You married young to someone showing his true colors now."
"Don't give up your career for outdated views, + definitely protect your birth control."
"Daughter's watching and learning what women should accept."
"Stay strong." ~ badjer1983
"So... he admits that you are not only a fantastic career professional, your skills at parenting and running a household are SUPERIOR to his, thus you must be the spouse who stays at home."
"Of course, you're NTA." ~ CrankyWife
"You're NTA and tell your husband the 1920s called and want their attitude back."
"He's not just wanting you to give up your job; he is asking you to give up a part of who you are to satisfy his outdated ideas."
"And that's at best."
"At worst, he is trying to get full control over you by being the only breadwinner." ~ Dittoheadforever
"Divorce attorney here."
"Don't quit your job unless he'll sign a postnuptial agreement that he will pay you alimony in a sufficient amount to allow you to get back to making as much money at the time of the divorce as you would have if you had not quit your job, or gone part-time."
"In addition, be sure that all possible money goes into retirement accounts in either your or his name (they would be split equally at the time of your divorce)."
"If he doesn't want to guarantee to pay you alimony, then how could you possibly quit your job???"
"Alimony is disappearing because of state laws being passed by older, white, male legislators, as a pretend backlash against feminism."
"As in – 'Oh? You all want to be equal, then we're not going to pay you alimony.'"
"But if you quit your job or reduce your hours and that's income, you will not have the equal income-earning ability, nor will you have equal retirement saved up at the time of the inevitable divorce."
"And also, remember, right now you guys have 2X the income."
"If you go part-time, you'll only have 1.5X the income, and if you quit, it will only be 1X."
"Can you live your same lifestyle on half the income that you have now?"
"But, honestly, for you, the alimony issue is the most important one." ~ No-Malarkey-
"Do you have any idea how rare it is to have a workplace at which you feel respected?"
"And you also like it?"
"You have won the lottery."
"Your daughter is in school."
"DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB!"
"Please, please, please, for your future, for your daughter's sake, for your own security, for your own happiness and self-respect, do NOT QUIT YOUR JOB!" ~ ElleWinter
"NTA. He's trying to isolate you, which is the first step of financial abuse."
"Do not do it. It's also a HUGE disservice to your daughter."
"Show her that mommy can do an awesome job doing important stuff."
"Your husband is a sexist 🐖." ~ Kappybook916
"You're certainly not going to be respected at home if your husband feels like that's your 'place.'"
"Keep your job and all the respect you get for it."
"I find your husband's attitude extremely concerning, and honestly, I'd be on high alert to look for red flags that he might have other problematic ideals just waiting to pop out."
"Tell him if he feels the home needs more attention, he can stay at home. NTA." ~ hopelessartgeek
"NTA. It is a completely unreasonable ask and a sexist/misogynistic expectation."
"You need to be in couples therapy ASAP."
"Or else you need a good lawyer."
"Chances are good that he is going to start trying to sabotage your career - be very aware of that."
"Were you aware of his views on this topic before you married him?" ~ No-Assignment5538
"NTA. Your husband is, however, as well as a massive misogynist."
"Please don't have any more kids with him, and PLEASE think of your daughter's future." ~ Laughing_Allegra
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Your husband has no right to ask this of you.
As long as you're pulling equal weight at home, then he nothing to complain about.
This is 2025; a woman's place is where she wants it to be.
Enjoy your work and good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp