A new baby can be really exciting for the whole family.
So, it’s up to the parents to be to decide who they tell and when. And, if they ask you not to tell anyone, don’t.
Redditor airflamingo encountered this very issue with her mom. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“AITA for telling my mom she won’t know the baby’s [sex]?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“About 4 weeks ago I (F25) found out I was pregnant. My partner (M22) and I have been trying for a year and it was a complete shock when we found out I actually had fallen pregnant.”
“The first person besides my partner I told was my mom.”
“This is where the issues started.”
“I explicitly told her to not tell anyone because it has been a year in the making and we wanted to make sure it was viable and actually real. I got a message from her the day after saying ‘I’m really sorry but I told someone’.”
“I then had a very short phone call with her and she explained that SHE was so excited and she told my Aunty.”
“Now, this is an issue because I’ve had massive trust issues with my Aunt for years and my partner and myself decided she would find out when I was 3 months.”
But, OP tried not to let it affect her mood.
“I let it go because my Aunt started coming at me and telling me that ‘your mom was just excited and she needed to tell someone, don’t blame her.'”
“Then yesterday I get tagged in something on Facebook from my mom. It was an article about how to get babies to sleep, she tagged me and said ‘you should read this for when bean comes’.”
“I was sitting in actual disbelief because I’d asked her multiple times to not post on social media and to not tell anyone.”
“I messaged her and asked if she could please delete the tag and respect that we don’t want anything posted. She saw my message and took around 8 hours to respond with ‘it’s taken down, won’t happen again. I was just really excited’.”
“See the thing with my family is they know how to guilt me but I know when they’re doing it. So I left her on read because I didn’t want to deal with the conflict of me saying to her yet again to not post on socials.”
Then, things got worse.
“Fast forward to this afternoon. She rang me for the first time in days.”
“We spoke for about 5 minutes and everything was normal. She then goes to me ‘you’re 8 weeks this week aren’t you?'”
“I told her I was and that I’m having an ultrasound this week.”
“She then asks if we’re going to find out the [sex] (way too early I know) and I responded with ‘When the time comes we will but we probably won’t tell you’.”
“Boy did I screw up by saying that. Little did I know she was sensitive about this and she said ‘okay I’m going now’ and hung up on me.”
“I could tell she was upset about this. Thing is we aren’t going to tell anyone until bean is born.”‘
“If you haven’t already gathered we like to keep things personal.”
“AITA for not wanting to tell her?”
“Like I said we aren’t going to tell anyone and I just am getting really frustrated at being made to feel guilty about something I should feel excited about but instead it’s just making me feel stressed.”
“I’m also starting to not want to include her in things because I’m so worried she will tell the wrong person.”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“I’m so sorry that happened to you. My FIL did the same thing (mind you, he was in the waiting room. He was going to see him soon anyway!) and goodneeeeeessss did my fiancé curse him out.”
“Solid 2 minutes of going in on him for posting the pictures, and when he was done FIL took down the post. When we had our 2nd we didn’t send anything until we confirmed from everyone that they weren’t allowed to share them.” ~ olives1405
“My mom has flat out told me that I’m part of her life and she has the right to tell people about her life, so by extension she gets to tell people about things in my life with which she is in any way involved (even if her level of ‘involvement’ means being informed after the fact ‘I did X today’).” ~ SnooDoughnuts7171
“It amazes me that people don’t consider the fact that the next step is them getting demoted to ‘finds out via Facebook post’ if they don’t back off.” ~ miladyelle
“I’m so sorry. That’s exactly why I didn’t let anyone know I was even in labor until after both kids were born. The only people who knew I was in labor with #2 were the friends babysitting #1, and my then husband.” ~ TitaniaT-Rex
OP added some updates.
“She just messaged me and said ‘I am sorry that I got annoyed but I feel like some little kid who made a mistake. I won’t tell anyone anything and I won’t, It is not worth me feeling like sh*t and you being mad at me.'”
“I’m going to leave her on read because I don’t even know how to respond to that. It is just another guilt trip and I’m just so over it.”
“I just want to say thank you to everyone that has replied! I have read all the responses this morning and it’s refreshing to know that it is my choice and I don’t have to please her or anyone.”
“This morning I responded to her with this message:”
“The message that was sent last night made me feel guilty when it shouldn’t. This situation is just extremely hard for me because you’re my only mom. But when I found out you told Aunt because you were excited it broke my heart.”
“It wasn’t something that should have been shared because it was my news and my excitement.”
“Before we found out the news had been shared Partner and I had decided she was one of the people that would find out at 3 months due to prior issues which you should be understanding about.”
“This is partially why we’ve decided to keep things really private. It’s our choice to keep the [sex] private.”
“I worded it wrong and I should have said that we actually aren’t going to tell anyone. We are also probably not even going to tell anyone when I’m in labour either.”
“It’s just how protective over the bean we are. I am sorry if this hurts you but it is nothing personal it’s just how Partner & I have decided to do this pregnancy.”
“With all my other health conditions going on we don’t want added stress.”
“I’m setting up boundaries which is quite hard for me because you know I am generally an open person with things.”
“I just want you to respect and understand that we don’t want people knowing and we probably won’t tell many people we’re pregnant until we’re ready.”
It is your decision to share personal information however you see fit. OP got the reassurance she needed she wasn’t wrong to set and stick to her boundaries.