When a relationship grows more serious, serious financial discussions begin to take place. It’s important that communication is consistent and thorough so that both partners are on the same page.
But sometimes all the communication in the world is no match for old habits.
One Redditor shared her experience with just that dynamic. She recounted a recent incident in a post to the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), who went by the appropriate name ilikenicethingsthrow on the site, signaled exactly what area of finances was at play with the post’s title.
“AITA For not budgeting the same way as my fiance while we are saving for a house”
OP began by explaining the initial agreement.
“My fiancé and I are saving money to buy our first home. We have been saving for about 6 months now.”
“We both make decent money and our salaries are almost identical, but still keep most of our finances separate for now and split all of our expenses 50/50.”
“I’m sure that will change after we get married, but for now this works for us.”
Then OP dropped a bombshell.
“My fiancé has always been more of a money-saver than I am and he’s saved up a good chunk to put towards a down payment.
“He recently asked how much I have saved and he got upset when I told him I haven’t saved even half of what he has.”
The drama only continued when she explained what she bought.
“He also got upset with me when I tried to explain myself. I like taking care of myself. Whether this is a massage, mani-pedi, getting my hair done, I love pampering myself.”
“Due to the pandemic, I couldn’t do a lot of that stuff at an actual salon or spa, so I purchased a bunch of stuff to do it at home.”
“Some of this was quite expensive because I like to have high-end products, but was still comparable to what it would cost to get it professionally done.
“Now that things are opening up more where we live, I’ve been starting to get my hair and nails done professionally and have bought some day packages at spas.”
“I also really enjoy shopping, but since I couldn’t do that in person either, I did a lot of online shopping (sometimes aided by a glass or two of wine lol).”
So OP’s fiance gave it to her straight.
“My fiancé thinks I need to take our saving more seriously.”
“He said he’s cut back on a lot of his spending on this he enjoys and thinks I should do the same. He said he’s cut back on his hobbies, and even stopped a couple completely to save more.”
“He said he feels a little taken advantage of that he’s saving so much more than me. He said my inability to save money is going to delay when we can buy a house.”
“I told him it doesn’t have to delay anything if he just puts more into the down payment, since it’s going to be our house together anyway.”
But OP had her own thoughts.
“He told me I should cut back on some of my pampering because that is a huge expense that is easy to cut back on and could really bump up my saving ability.”
“I told him I will not give up taking care of myself and told him that it’s a jerk move on his part to expect me to give up something that I take so much pleasure in.”
The incident has proven to be quite significant.
“He eventually came clean to me that this is making him second-guess our relationship and making him wonder if we really truly share the same priorities.”
He said that it seems like I say one thing to his face and make it seem like we agree, and then go and do something completely opposite.”
“I think he’s overreacting and if it takes us a little longer to save for a house, that’s not a big deal to me.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors were not in any rush to come to OP’s support.
Most called her the a**hole, in fact.
For most, it was her proposed solution that took the cake.
“I was on the fence until you said that he could just contribute more.”
“dude, HE has been adjusting his spending to be able to get a house – why can’t you? YTA” — paxgarmana
“YTA. Telling him he can save more to compensate for your lower savings is not ok.”
“If you’d had unavoidable expenses like a medical bill that’s one thing but your spending is entirely discretionary so he is completely justified in being upset by this” — MadGeckoLady
“YTA. You expect him to sacrifice more and ‘just put more down,’ that’s unfair. If you bought at home spa stuff then use it. If you agreed to save money then do so.”
“You are being selfish. Y’alls marriage is doomed if you can’t agree on how to spend money.” — mvance0808
Even those who vocally supporter her financial autonomy drew a line.
“YTA-Spending money on yourself is one thing but expecting him to pony up more money because you don’t have enough is something else entirely.” — GothPenguin
“Wait wait wait… You told him that it will all be fine because he can just put more money into the down payment!? YTA!”
“While I absolutely do not agree that he can tell you what to spend your money on, you both contribute 50/50 to all expenses now and that should apply to the cost of the down payment.”
“The fact that he’s questioning things is because he’s probably feeling taken advantage of when he’s been sacrificing things for himself to ensure a future for the two of you.”
“You two need to sit down and make a plan of how much you both should be expected to save up and how you’re going to get there.” — theirothermother
Plenty of people sounded the alarm.
“YTA I’d be furious if my partner did this.”
“If you guys aren’t on the same page maybe it’s best not to buy a house together or even get married.” — 4614065
“You guys need to sit down and discuss how much each should be saving… that said he’s prob correct you aren’t compatible in that your wants are different…” — me230422
“YTA your fiancé is sacrificing a lot to have a life with you but you’re putting your shopping sprees and salons first. I hope he can move on and find someone who actually cares” — whateverisnttaken22
Perhaps the near unanimous feedback of Redditors will convince OP to changer her approach.
But of course, it’s difficult to change overnight.