When a relationship grows more serious, serious financial discussions begin to take place. It's important that communication is consistent and thorough so that both partners are on the same page.
But sometimes all the communication in the world is no match for old habits.
One Redditor shared her experience with just that dynamic. She recounted a recent incident in a post to the "Am I the A**hole (AITA)" subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), who went by the appropriate name ilikenicethingsthrow on the site, signaled exactly what area of finances was at play with the post's title.
"AITA For not budgeting the same way as my fiance while we are saving for a house"
OP began by explaining the initial agreement.
"My fiancé and I are saving money to buy our first home. We have been saving for about 6 months now."
"We both make decent money and our salaries are almost identical, but still keep most of our finances separate for now and split all of our expenses 50/50."
"I'm sure that will change after we get married, but for now this works for us."
Then OP dropped a bombshell.
"My fiancé has always been more of a money-saver than I am and he's saved up a good chunk to put towards a down payment.
"He recently asked how much I have saved and he got upset when I told him I haven't saved even half of what he has."
The drama only continued when she explained what she bought.
"He also got upset with me when I tried to explain myself. I like taking care of myself. Whether this is a massage, mani-pedi, getting my hair done, I love pampering myself."
"Due to the pandemic, I couldn't do a lot of that stuff at an actual salon or spa, so I purchased a bunch of stuff to do it at home."
"Some of this was quite expensive because I like to have high-end products, but was still comparable to what it would cost to get it professionally done.
"Now that things are opening up more where we live, I've been starting to get my hair and nails done professionally and have bought some day packages at spas."
"I also really enjoy shopping, but since I couldn't do that in person either, I did a lot of online shopping (sometimes aided by a glass or two of wine lol)."
So OP's fiance gave it to her straight.
"My fiancé thinks I need to take our saving more seriously."
"He said he's cut back on a lot of his spending on this he enjoys and thinks I should do the same. He said he's cut back on his hobbies, and even stopped a couple completely to save more."
"He said he feels a little taken advantage of that he's saving so much more than me. He said my inability to save money is going to delay when we can buy a house."
"I told him it doesn't have to delay anything if he just puts more into the down payment, since it's going to be our house together anyway."
But OP had her own thoughts.
"He told me I should cut back on some of my pampering because that is a huge expense that is easy to cut back on and could really bump up my saving ability."
"I told him I will not give up taking care of myself and told him that it's a jerk move on his part to expect me to give up something that I take so much pleasure in."
The incident has proven to be quite significant.
"He eventually came clean to me that this is making him second-guess our relationship and making him wonder if we really truly share the same priorities."
He said that it seems like I say one thing to his face and make it seem like we agree, and then go and do something completely opposite."
"I think he's overreacting and if it takes us a little longer to save for a house, that's not a big deal to me."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors were not in any rush to come to OP's support.
Most called her the a**hole, in fact.
For most, it was her proposed solution that took the cake.
"I was on the fence until you said that he could just contribute more."
"dude, HE has been adjusting his spending to be able to get a house - why can't you? YTA" -- paxgarmana
"YTA. Telling him he can save more to compensate for your lower savings is not ok."
"If you'd had unavoidable expenses like a medical bill that's one thing but your spending is entirely discretionary so he is completely justified in being upset by this" -- MadGeckoLady
"YTA. You expect him to sacrifice more and 'just put more down,' that's unfair. If you bought at home spa stuff then use it. If you agreed to save money then do so."
"You are being selfish. Y'alls marriage is doomed if you can't agree on how to spend money." -- mvance0808
Even those who vocally supporter her financial autonomy drew a line.
"YTA-Spending money on yourself is one thing but expecting him to pony up more money because you don't have enough is something else entirely." -- GothPenguin
"Wait wait wait... You told him that it will all be fine because he can just put more money into the down payment!? YTA!"
"While I absolutely do not agree that he can tell you what to spend your money on, you both contribute 50/50 to all expenses now and that should apply to the cost of the down payment."
"The fact that he's questioning things is because he's probably feeling taken advantage of when he's been sacrificing things for himself to ensure a future for the two of you."
"You two need to sit down and make a plan of how much you both should be expected to save up and how you're going to get there." -- theirothermother
Plenty of people sounded the alarm.
"YTA I'd be furious if my partner did this."
"If you guys aren't on the same page maybe it's best not to buy a house together or even get married." -- 4614065
"You guys need to sit down and discuss how much each should be saving... that said he's prob correct you aren't compatible in that your wants are different..." -- me230422
"YTA your fiancé is sacrificing a lot to have a life with you but you're putting your shopping sprees and salons first. I hope he can move on and find someone who actually cares" -- whateverisnttaken22
Perhaps the near unanimous feedback of Redditors will convince OP to changer her approach.
But of course, it's difficult to change overnight.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.