Are friends obligated to disclose their financial situation to their friend group?
A woman struggling with that question turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Glamorous-asparagus asked:
AITA for not telling our friends that I'm rich?"
The original poster explained:
"I (25, female) don't like money talk. I keep it private because growing up I've seen the things people will do for money."
"I've seen it destroy my brothers. My parents died when I was little and I was taken in by my grandparents who raised me."
"It was a very privileged upbringing, but they also raised me to be frugal and grateful for what I have. I'm incredibly grateful for what I have, I don't show off or anything."
"I don't care for designer labels, most of my clothes are thrifted. My husband (33, male) and I live well within our means."
"There are things that I do spend money on. We do take nice vacations every year but to travel to our destinations we generally fly economy."
"If hosting for dinner, I'll get good quality cuts of meat and nice bottles of wine. If I've gone for lunch with one and they've forgotten their wallet, I've paid for it and told them it's my treat."
"It's enough that if I had chosen to, I'd never have to work. I work because I love what I do."
"The problem is, our friend group has just found out that I'm rich and they're mad. We had friends over for dinner and the wife of my husband's best friend went into our office to take a private work call."
"We've let friends take private calls in there before with no issue. She snooped while in there and found documentation about my trust fund, my investments, etc..."
"When she came out, she was mad and I thought it was just because of the call so I left her alone and continued cooking. She started telling everyone that I was actually rich, showing them one of the documents she had taken from the office."
"My husband took it off her and told her it was none of her business. At dinner she kept going on about me masquerading as poor because I thrift, have a cheap old car, travel in economy and don't offer to cover the bill when we go out."
"Our other friends agreed and were pissed because we had never said I have money and never offered money when one of them was struggling. I wanted to offer to help, but my husband told me not to as I'd just be throwing my money away."
"The reason they were struggling was because they were living very much beyond their means and were using credit cards to keep afloat. At the time, they didn't want to change their spending habits."
"It wasn't for survival."
"She'd bought a brand new car on the credit card because her previous car bought the year before was 'No longer her style'. There was literally nothing wrong with it."
"She was using the credit card to go out to eat a lot, book expensive vacations, buy new clothes including a designer handbag. She wasn't in survival mode, she was in 'living her best life' mode."
"It was only losing their home that gave them the kick to change their habits."
"We ended up cutting dinner short and asking everyone to leave."
"Since then I've had messages from them—mostly the women—being angry that I never told them I have money. I've even had a couple requests for money."
"One has already asked for 50k to cover their student loans because I had my college paid for. I had scholarships that covered everything."
"My husband has told me just to ignore them and that it's none of their business. His best friend has called and apologised for all this as his wife shouldn't have been snooping."
"He is distancing himself from everyone but his best friend. He's actually more mad about the situation than I am."
"I did find out through all this that his best friend was aware I'm rich, though not the full extent. He only knows because my husband asked him for advice when I suggested a prenup as his best friend was the only married one at the time."
"He never told his wife. He kept it to himself because he said it was none of his business."
"I've been very much frozen out from the group. I've been told I won't be invited to anything until I pay my equal share and by equal share they mean I pay for everything."
"I wasn't very close to the friend who was struggling because of their spending habits. But I was close to the one who asked me to pay off their student loans."
"AITA for not telling my friends I'm rich?"
The OP summed up their predicament.
"I never told my friends I'm rich and they think I've been masquerading as poor. They're mad because I have money and never told them."
"They feel like I've kept the money for myself instead of helping them and 'paying my share'—by which they mean pay for everything."
"They are now sending me requests for money."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) and her friends proved why she never disclosed her finances.
"NTA and your 'friends' just proved what awful things money can do to people."
"Good heavens, first of all, friends don't snoop around like that and even if they happen to spot information never meant to be disclosed to them, they keep their mouth shut and act as if they never knew."
"That's decency and discretion."
"Secondly, had they been friends, they would have applauded you for being sensible with money. Only insecure people will see thrifted clothes as a bad thing."
"And asking you to pay an equal share? What does that even mean? That you owe them‽‽"
"If you at your suggestion go as a group to expensive restaurants that are beyond the means of the others, it would be lack of solidarity not to foot the bill for them. But better still is to do things together that everyone can comfortably afford."
"Unless there is more to this, I cannot think of a clearer NTA." ~ AngelMillionaire1142
"NTA. I don't know why you are even asking if you're the a**hole? If I were you, I would have been boiling mad at the gross invasion of privacy and snooping into things that have nothing to do with them."
"Add to that the audacity of demanding you pay their student loans just because you have money. What kind of entitled BS is that?"
"Those women are not your friends." ~ Miserable-Tadpole-90
"NTA. Why in the name of all that's holy, do you feel that your finances are any of their business? I mean, is that how you all introduce yourselves to people?"
"'Hi, I'm Suzi, and I'm worth 150k. Hi, I'm Phil and I'm only worth 80k, so I'm not worth talking to'. Ditch ALL of these greedy little oinks and point out to little Miss Snoop that she's a classless little moron."
"Your income and standard of living involve you, your dependents and (unfortunately) the Taxman, but NO-ONE ELSE." ~ ZookeepergameWise774
"NO ONE should feel the need to tell anyone about their financial status be it poor or rich—how much you make, how much you have in the bank, if you have a trust fund, how much is in it—NONE of that is anyone's business but your own and whoever manages it for you."
"YOU ARE NOT an AH for not telling them about your finances—it is none of their f*cking business how much your or anyone one else in this 'group of friends' has. How have you not noticed that they are not your friends?"
"Friends do NOT snoop through their friends things when they are in their home. They don't go through friends wallets or purses if they are sitting next to them."
"You'd be crazy to give any of them $1.00—you need new friends because these people are not your friends and now all they want from you is money—cut them off, block every one of them and eventually you will find some friends who like you for who you are." ~ RosieDays456
"NTA. Your financial situation is not their business. But violating your privacy by rummaging through your office makes this 'friend' a huge a**hole."
"And then talking about it and shaming you for it, makes her and your other so-called 'friends' even bigger a**holes."
"You did nothing wrong by just living your life as you like it. Cut those 'friends' out of your life though ASAP." ~ agnesperditanitt
However some found the OP's thrifting problematic.
"NTA for not discussing your finances with friends."
"YTA for thrifting when you can easily afford not to. Please consider that for struggling families thrifting is a necessity, not a fad."
"Every item you buy at a thrift store takes away from someone who legitimately can't afford retail." ~ WeMiPl
While they have a point, it wasn't what OP asked about.
The OP only asked if disclosing her financial status was required.
For that, the feedback was a resounding "no."
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.