Are friends obligated to disclose their financial situation to their friend group?
A woman struggling with that question turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Glamorous-asparagus asked:
AITA for not telling our friends that I’m rich?”
The original poster explained:
“I (25, female) don’t like money talk. I keep it private because growing up I’ve seen the things people will do for money.”
“I’ve seen it destroy my brothers. My parents died when I was little and I was taken in by my grandparents who raised me.”
“It was a very privileged upbringing, but they also raised me to be frugal and grateful for what I have. I’m incredibly grateful for what I have, I don’t show off or anything.”
“I don’t care for designer labels, most of my clothes are thrifted. My husband (33, male) and I live well within our means.”
“There are things that I do spend money on. We do take nice vacations every year but to travel to our destinations we generally fly economy.”
“If hosting for dinner, I’ll get good quality cuts of meat and nice bottles of wine. If I’ve gone for lunch with one and they’ve forgotten their wallet, I’ve paid for it and told them it’s my treat.”
“It’s enough that if I had chosen to, I’d never have to work. I work because I love what I do.”
“The problem is, our friend group has just found out that I’m rich and they’re mad. We had friends over for dinner and the wife of my husband’s best friend went into our office to take a private work call.”
“We’ve let friends take private calls in there before with no issue. She snooped while in there and found documentation about my trust fund, my investments, etc…”
“When she came out, she was mad and I thought it was just because of the call so I left her alone and continued cooking. She started telling everyone that I was actually rich, showing them one of the documents she had taken from the office.”
“My husband took it off her and told her it was none of her business. At dinner she kept going on about me masquerading as poor because I thrift, have a cheap old car, travel in economy and don’t offer to cover the bill when we go out.”
“Our other friends agreed and were pissed because we had never said I have money and never offered money when one of them was struggling. I wanted to offer to help, but my husband told me not to as I’d just be throwing my money away.”
“The reason they were struggling was because they were living very much beyond their means and were using credit cards to keep afloat. At the time, they didn’t want to change their spending habits.”
“It wasn’t for survival.”
“She’d bought a brand new car on the credit card because her previous car bought the year before was ‘No longer her style’. There was literally nothing wrong with it.”
“She was using the credit card to go out to eat a lot, book expensive vacations, buy new clothes including a designer handbag. She wasn’t in survival mode, she was in ‘living her best life’ mode.”
“It was only losing their home that gave them the kick to change their habits.”
“We ended up cutting dinner short and asking everyone to leave.”
“Since then I’ve had messages from them—mostly the women—being angry that I never told them I have money. I’ve even had a couple requests for money.”
“One has already asked for 50k to cover their student loans because I had my college paid for. I had scholarships that covered everything.”
“My husband has told me just to ignore them and that it’s none of their business. His best friend has called and apologised for all this as his wife shouldn’t have been snooping.”
“He is distancing himself from everyone but his best friend. He’s actually more mad about the situation than I am.”
“I did find out through all this that his best friend was aware I’m rich, though not the full extent. He only knows because my husband asked him for advice when I suggested a prenup as his best friend was the only married one at the time.”
“He never told his wife. He kept it to himself because he said it was none of his business.”
“I’ve been very much frozen out from the group. I’ve been told I won’t be invited to anything until I pay my equal share and by equal share they mean I pay for everything.”
“I wasn’t very close to the friend who was struggling because of their spending habits. But I was close to the one who asked me to pay off their student loans.”
“AITA for not telling my friends I’m rich?”
The OP summed up their predicament.
“I never told my friends I’m rich and they think I’ve been masquerading as poor. They’re mad because I have money and never told them.”
“They feel like I’ve kept the money for myself instead of helping them and ‘paying my share’—by which they mean pay for everything.”
“They are now sending me requests for money.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) and her friends proved why she never disclosed her finances.
“NTA and your ‘friends’ just proved what awful things money can do to people.”
“Good heavens, first of all, friends don’t snoop around like that and even if they happen to spot information never meant to be disclosed to them, they keep their mouth shut and act as if they never knew.”
“That’s decency and discretion.”
“Secondly, had they been friends, they would have applauded you for being sensible with money. Only insecure people will see thrifted clothes as a bad thing.”
“And asking you to pay an equal share? What does that even mean? That you owe them‽‽”
“If you at your suggestion go as a group to expensive restaurants that are beyond the means of the others, it would be lack of solidarity not to foot the bill for them. But better still is to do things together that everyone can comfortably afford.”
“Unless there is more to this, I cannot think of a clearer NTA.” ~ AngelMillionaire1142
“NTA. I don’t know why you are even asking if you’re the a**hole? If I were you, I would have been boiling mad at the gross invasion of privacy and snooping into things that have nothing to do with them.”
“Add to that the audacity of demanding you pay their student loans just because you have money. What kind of entitled BS is that?”
“Those women are not your friends.” ~ Miserable-Tadpole-90
“NTA. Why in the name of all that’s holy, do you feel that your finances are any of their business? I mean, is that how you all introduce yourselves to people?”
“‘Hi, I’m Suzi, and I’m worth 150k. Hi, I’m Phil and I’m only worth 80k, so I’m not worth talking to’. Ditch ALL of these greedy little oinks and point out to little Miss Snoop that she’s a classless little moron.”
“Your income and standard of living involve you, your dependents and (unfortunately) the Taxman, but NO-ONE ELSE.” ~ ZookeepergameWise774
“NO ONE should feel the need to tell anyone about their financial status be it poor or rich—how much you make, how much you have in the bank, if you have a trust fund, how much is in it—NONE of that is anyone’s business but your own and whoever manages it for you.”
“YOU ARE NOT an AH for not telling them about your finances—it is none of their f*cking business how much your or anyone one else in this ‘group of friends’ has. How have you not noticed that they are not your friends?”
“Friends do NOT snoop through their friends things when they are in their home. They don’t go through friends wallets or purses if they are sitting next to them.”
“You’d be crazy to give any of them $1.00—you need new friends because these people are not your friends and now all they want from you is money—cut them off, block every one of them and eventually you will find some friends who like you for who you are.” ~ RosieDays456
“NTA. Your financial situation is not their business. But violating your privacy by rummaging through your office makes this ‘friend’ a huge a**hole.”
“And then talking about it and shaming you for it, makes her and your other so-called ‘friends’ even bigger a**holes.”
“You did nothing wrong by just living your life as you like it. Cut those ‘friends’ out of your life though ASAP.” ~ agnesperditanitt
However some found the OP’s thrifting problematic.
“NTA for not discussing your finances with friends.”
“YTA for thrifting when you can easily afford not to. Please consider that for struggling families thrifting is a necessity, not a fad.”
“Every item you buy at a thrift store takes away from someone who legitimately can’t afford retail.” ~ WeMiPl
While they have a point, it wasn’t what OP asked about.
The OP only asked if disclosing her financial status was required.
For that, the feedback was a resounding “no.”