Tattoos are portable works of art that usually hold meaning for the person whose body they adorn.
But does that mean none of their friends should get the same tattoo?
A young woman sporting ink on her pinky is asking that exact question, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for answers.
Throwaway_RedTattoo asked:
"AITA for demanding my roommate remove her tattoo?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"For context, I (20, female) am a Chinese adoptee. Before leaving for college, I got a matching tattoo with my mother on my pinky finger."
"It's basically a red band that's supposed to reference the Chinese myth called the 'Red Thread of Fate'—how an invisible red thread connects you to the ones you love. Needless to say, the tattoo has a very significant meaning when it comes to the relationship with my mother."
"I met my current roommate Lynn (19, female, White) last year through friends, although we were mostly acquaintances for most of our freshman year. Dorming for this year was super frustrating and competitive, but I was relieved I was able to room with someone I knew like Lynn."
"All of our friends got together for a housewarming party and we started playing Jack Box (specifically the Faker game) to get to know each other better."
"One of the questions I was called out for being the faker was, 'Raise your hand if you have a tattoo'."
"Lynn was confused why everyone said I had a tattoo, as it's not very noticeable, so I showed it to her and briefly explained its meaning. She said how cool and meaningful it was and enjoyed the simplicity of the tattoo."
"I thought that was the end of it as the topic wasn't brought up again."
"This week was our finals, so admittedly I was already very stressed. We were cleaning the dorm together to prepare for the break, when I noticed Lynn had gotten an identical tattoo to mine."
"I was pretty shocked by it, especially since I didn't hear anything from her about getting it. I confronted her about it, and she defended herself by saying, 'It looked cool' and that 'her mom and her liked the meaning'."
"The fact that she got it with her own mother made me even more upset, as my tattoo was very specific to my upbringing and made it feel less special. I told her she needed to get it removed or I'm moving out."
"She called me an a**hole and we haven't spoken since."
"Our friends are split on the issue, with some saying I'm the a**hole for trying to control what's on her body and coming off rude and others saying she overstepped by stealing a meaningful tattoo of mine."
"So AITA?"
The OP summed up their issue.
"I think I might be the a**hole because I did start off aggressive when confronting her and it's a lot to ask of her to remove it especially since her mother got it too."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"YTA—You have absolutely zero right to even ask her to remove her tattoo. Her body, her choice."
"Don't get me wrong, I DO understand why this tattoo is so special and significant to you and your mother. The concept is extremely beautiful."
"And personally, if I were you, I'd be flattered that something so beautiful from my culture moved someone so much that they felt the need to do it themselves."
"Your relationship with your mother has not changed due to your roommate's tattoo. And I guarantee you that there are thousands of other people out there with the exact same tattoo." ~ CelticSkye
"YTA. The red thread tattoo is not exclusive to anyone. I know a lot of people who have it."
"My cousin and her sister have a red thread tattoo that looks like a ring."
"My co-worker, her sister and her mother, have one that starts on the mother's arm and continues on the oldest daughter's arm and continues on to the youngest."
"Don't argue over a tattoo. Be happy you inspired someone."
"And keep feeling how special it is to you and your mother." ~ Single-Advantage-164
"YTA. Many people get ideas for tattoos from other people's tattoos or images they see. You told her how special it felt to have it."
"She felt she would like to feel that specialness too. You can't own the image or the meaning just for yourself."
"She is certainly free to add art to her body as she sees fit and I'm sure she really likes it and it was inspired by you. Live and let live."
"She didn't 'steal' it or steal anything from you and you certainly have no right to demand she remove it." ~ ColdButCool33
"You can't be serious?"
"YTA, You literally have no right to demand she remove a tattoo…you have to realize this. You can't control her."
"Not only that it's not like you have a copyright or something to the tattoo. I get it has a special meaning for you and your mom. Your friend liked it and wanted to do the same with her own mother."
"Her having the tattoo does not decrease the value yours has. Thinking it does isn't healthy."
"Guarantee there's people that get tattoos with a meaning behind it and somewhere in the world another person probably has the same tattoo. So what? It doesn't diminish yours." ~ No_Variety_6847
However a significant number of Redditors weren't letting Lynn—the roommate—off the hook (ESH).
"ESH. You have every right to be hurt, it was weird that she took this and made it her own."
"BUT you can't demand she changes her body for you."
"So I'd probably move out and discontinue contact with her." ~ ms_sinn
"Yes, OP's demand about tattoo removal was absurd, and she had no right to make it—but what Lynn did was objectively weird!"
"It's absolutely true that no one owns a tattoo, but there's a difference between being inspired by someone else's work and getting a straight up matching piece without mentioning it to them because you decided their personal, meaningful reason for getting it sounded nice to you."
"When I've been inspired by friends' work (placement, art style, etc...) I've talked with them about it! Asked for photos to reference, found out who did the work, etc..."
"I didn't just….show up one day with the exact same tattoo. ESH for sure." ~ -chimerical-
"ESH. I've had two friends get the exact same tattoo as me without telling me beforehand. It was extremely off-putting."
"Both tattoos were customs and relatively unique, but obviously I can't be too upset about it because I can't control what they do and tattoos are so common these days."
"Still, it made me feel really uncomfortable. I guess I can see why it could be perceived as flattering, but yeah at the very least a friend should talk to the person who they were inspired by before just doing it." ~ starryeyedd
"I agree. It's as if OP making an outrageous demand somehow negates what the roommate did. Both can be AH and I personally think the roommate is a complete AH but OP can't make that demand."
"It's like dating a sibling of your friend, the friend has every right to be upset but you can't demand people break up, that's their choice."
"People are saying OP should be happy a friend was inspired. I don't care if I had the letter S tattooed on my pinky finger, any friend seeing that on me and then immediately copying without discussing it is an AH move."
"They're allowed to do it, but doesn't make them any less of an AH. If I wanted matching tatts I would get it with them."
"I think it's very similar to the naming your kid situation too. If I want to name my kid Mary Ann after my grandma and my sister hears that and goes, 'oh my, what a lovely name' and then proceeds to name her kid the same thing, I am not going to feel happy about that."
"I am not proud or flattered to inspire someone else like that." ~ starfire92
"I can't believe how many people are acting like they wouldn't mind what Lynn did if they were in OP's shoes."
"I get that the tattoo isn't entirely unique to OP, but the friend getting the same tat with her mom after OP explained what it meant to her is really weird and I would be pissed off if I were OP."
"I have several tattoos and a lot of tattooed friends and I would never just copy a friend's tattoo like that. ESH." ~ AffectionateBeyond99
"Because the only threat here is 'or I'm moving out', I guess you should do that. You don't have to stay friends or roommates with someone you don't like."
"ESH, her because it harmed your relationship, and you a lot because you don't seem to understand that other humans can make their own decisions. Moreso, you both sound quite immature."
"She did copy you, on something personal, without discussing it. You could argue that she dismissed your feelings and isn't a good friend."
"But she's right that you are trying to control someone else's body, and that you don't own the tattoo or idea. Your overreaction is very much AH-ery."
"There are other people in the world with similar tattoos. And it doesn't affect your relationship with your mother in any way." ~
The OP provided an update.
"So far from what I see I'm the a**hole for suggesting she remove it. I didn't really think of what removing it would entail, as it was a heat of the moment thing I said."
"I wouldn't have cared if she had already had the tattoo as I'm aware it's a common tattoo, but to copy me especially when she was aware of the recent health complications my mother has had this year just made me very upset."
"I'm probably just going to move out, but it does suck the tensions this has made in our friend group."
It sounds like going their separate ways is the best solution for everyone.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.