This one is getting a warning for NSFW, obviously.
What can be done when you feel that your roommate is violating your privacy?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) WhyAmIAFae when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for yelling at my roommate after he snooped and found my ‘toys’?”
OP began with some background details.
“I (22F) have a roommate (22M) and we’ve been living together over a year.”
“We’ve been friends for a long while and I’m talking before middle school.”
“In our apartment, I have my own bathroom and typically keep all my essentials under my sink; pads, makeup, toilet paper, etc.”
“I work long hours and I only use a certain amount of toilet paper every time I wipe so I don’t go through toilet paper very fast.”
She continued with personal details.
“I am single.”
“Have been for a long time and don’t see myself finding a SO for a long while still and I’m content with that.”
“I have toys to keep myself engaged and happily pleasured and I clean them after each session.”
“I keep them under my bathroom sink while they dry after a cleaning and when not in use, a tote under my bed so they’re not in plain sight in my room.”
“I used them the night before this incident and apparently forgot to put one away after I cleaned it so it was sitting on my bathroom sink.”
Everything was fine, until…
“I got home from work the other night and he was sitting in our living room on his phone but looked up and said we needed to talk.”
“I asked him what, he said my room.”
“I asked what the problem was and he looked a bit uncomfortable and said that he saw my toys.”
“I asked him what he meant and he said that he went into my bathroom and saw one on the counter and 2 more under the sink and said it was disgusting to just leave them out.”
“Aparently after finding them, he peeked around my room and also found my tote under my bed and found my other toys.”
“I’m not going to lie, I went ballistic.”
“I asked him why he was in my room and he said he needed toilet paper because he was almost out.”
“I told him that doesn’t give him the right to go into my room unannounced and when I’m not home, much less search my room to see if I had more.”
“He said that he wouldn’t have said anything if one wasn’t on the counter and he overlooked them in the past.”
This issue revealed more problems.Â
“Turns out, it was a regular occurrence for him to go into my room while I wasn’t home and borrow my things.”
“He said his reason for bringing it up was because it was unsanitary to leave one on my bathroom sink and accused me of being a sex addict because of how many toys I have and that he’s concerned for my health due to my toys.”
“I do have a few more than most people but I’ve explored what I like and don’t like and some were expensive so I’m not going to throw them out and I can’t return or gift them.”
“So some are used rarely or not at all.”
“I told him he didn’t have the right to go into my room and bathroom and told him to go f*ck himself because he doesn’t get to control what I buy nor do in my free time unless I’m not making rent or being able to pay for our shared bills.”
“Since then, I have not spoken to him and he’s avoiding looking at me or being in the same room.”
“I did ask a friend and she thinks I may’ve been too hard on him but I don’t feel bad at all.”
OP was left to wonder,
“So, AITA for yelling at my roommate after he found my toys while snooping?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some pointed out that personal space is a thing.
“NTA”
“Toilet paper running out okay buy some more then.”
“If he needed it urgently to go to your bathroom fine but he shouldn’t complain about what YOU keep in YOUR personal space. not like you left it on the kitchen side.” ~ kalegreen4
Others found more creative solutions.
“NTA get a glass display case and line up your toys for him to gaze upon everytime he walks past your open door. What a tool.” ~ SmallTownMortician
“Add little plaques, with a brief description, like they have in museums and art galleries… There are generators that cobble together random explanations that sound pretty convincing to the uninitiated.” ~ Mernic666
Commenters were confused by roomie’s logic.
“‘worried for your health'”
“That was what I was thinking?”
“How is having a load of sex toys going to be bad for someone’s health?”
“I mean, obviously the man is grasping for excuses as to why he feels the need to even bring this ridiculous shit up at all.”
“And I agree about many toys being so pretty! I have a number which are very aesthetically pleasing as well.” ~ ChoppingOnionsForYou
“Legit: good sex toys are typically pretty, so I see no downside. ‘Too many toys’, ‘worried for your health’ – what, is he going to express concern about OP’s wandering womb next? 🙄” ~
ObjectiveCoelacanth
OP did return with some clarity.
“Slight update/revision:”
“I confused some of you in the comments, he did NOT use my toys.”
“I washed them as an extra precaution just in case something was done to them like hot sauce being put on them or something.”
“Not because he used them.”
“And update, I am talking to him tonight when I’m off.”
“I texted him and told him we needed to talk immediately and if he refused then I would be finding another place to live.”
“I’m taking some of yalls advice and investing in a camera for my room and a door lock that locks with a key from the outside.”
“Thank you all for your concern and I will update after our talk is done.”
She returned with a final update and a complete explanation of their follow-up talk.
“UPDATE!:”
“I am alive, sorry for concerning some of you!”
“We did talk and it was a bit interesting. As of right now, he is not moving out but this is how our talk went.”
“I told him that I’m putting cameras up in my room and getting a door lock. He understood and apologized for violating my boundaries.”
“When I asked him why he repeatedly went in my room, he said it started out as simple stuff like tape, scissors, toliet paper if he was running out, etc.”
“If it was something that could be returned, he returned it.”
“He said if I didn’t trust him that I could search his room and I took him up on the offer, I found nothing. I also asked if he had taken any photos of me without my consent and he said no and let me search his phone.”
“I’m not an idiot so I looked for any hidden folders in his gallery, his Google drive, SC hidden photos, even his hidden albums on Facebook, I found nothing.”
“I asked him why he did it and at first he was a bit hesitant to say anything but did confirm that he did have a thing for me.”
“He said he had a minor crush when we were kids and it had come back when we moved back in but I told him it wouldn’t happen as I’m not even sure if I LIKE men at this point.”
“(I identify as pansexual but find myself more and more favoring women or non-binary individuals more than men) and that I’ve never held romantic feelings for him.”
“He said that he expected that and apologized again.”
“When I asked why he made it a big deal, he basically said that he knew I had toys but realize how many I had.”
“He wasn’t jealous but seeing the volume of how many I had was shocking and he’s aware of my sexual habits because we’ve mutually spoken about ours but he was concerned that I had developed a sex addiction, thinking I bought all of them recently.”
“I explained what I replied in some comments, that I started my collection a while ago and just never throw them out if I don’t like them, and that not all of them are recent purchases.”
“I told him that until further notice that I would be locking my door when I’m asleep or not home and he accepted that.”
“He asked if I wanted him to move out and would accept it if I did and I told him no but he needed to regain trust if we wanted things to go back to how they were.”
“I said the only area of the house I would spend any time with him in is the living, not my room.”
“So overall, the talk went well and I lead the conversation. He was open to criticism, what I had to say and the boundaries I put in place.”
“Time will tell if he can regain my trust but I do have faith in him.”
“Update 2 because I forgot to mention something!”
“I checked my room for cameras, like tore it apart and checked everything, electric sockets, light bulbs, EVERYTHING. And nothing! All safe!”
Privacy and trust go hand in hand.
Without trust there will be no privacy, and a violation of privacy can easily shatter trust.
Be careful with such fragile things.