Living dynamics can be amazing until people bring in significant others.
For Redditor AdDazzling4731, their living dynamic just got shaken up when their roommate's girlfriend accused them of flirting with her boyfriend.
The Original Poster (OP) turned to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) for advice.
They asked,
"AITA for showing texts to my roommate that his girlfriend sent me?"
They went on to explain.
"I rent a room in a house with my boyfriend and his best friend, Eric. We are all in our 30s and have lived in this home since college."
"Eric has a girlfriend, around six months, who stays over named Amanda."
"(Amanda doesn't live with us) Last night we were all Star Wars fans, so we decided to binge-watch some episodes and get pizza."
"Amanda wanted to use her Disney+ account, but mine is already logged into the tv in the living room. We get our pizza, snacks, wine and beer."
"I left my phone in my bedroom because I like to unplug after work."
"After movie night, I go see my phone before bed, and there are pages of text about how Amanda wants me to stop doing things for her "man," including start using her Disney+ account on our tv."
"I'm not allowed to cook or grab him things. The list goes on to where she accuses me of flirting with 'her man.'"
"The thing is a ridiculous wall of text, and I'm showing this to my boyfriend before we go to sleep."
"He said Eric needed to see this, so I screenshot page after page Amanda sent while we watched the New Trilogy. I hear them argue, and Amanda slams the door to leave around 3 am."
"I told my coworker today, and few thought I was being petty because Amanda has insecurities she needs to work through, and I bullied her about them by sharing her texts with her boyfriend."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA- The fact her breaking point was disney+ is wild."
"But let's be fr, you probably saved him from a possessive gf."
"'I told my coworker today, and few thought I was being petty because Amanda has insecurities she needs to work through, and I bullied her about them by sharing her texts with her boyfriend.'"
"You definitely weren't petty. She sent you a long ridiculous message, a you and your bf thought this was something he needed to see."
"She definitely has insecurities, but she went about that soo badly to send some bs like that. Wasn't a bullying situation, I'd be wary of those coworkers if thats truly their opinion." - KryoChamber
"NTA The only thing crazier than Amanda is your coworker's ridiculous take on the matter." - Tootie0
"NTA - Wouldn't you want to know if your partner was acting like a lunatic and alienating your friends?"
"You didn't cause this, she did - so don't feel bad that he wasn't willing to tolerate her behavior. Most sane people wouldn't." - C_Alex_author
"If Amanda has insecurities to work through then she can do that but they're HER insecurities."
"She doesn't get to dictate how you interact with a friend when that interaction is completely appropriate and you have a boyfriend anyway."
"EDIT FOR VERDICT. NTA." - GlesgaD2018
"NTA. Speaking for all of guy-dom, Eric needs to know this about his girlfriend." - TaliesinWI
"NTA"
"I had to re-read the ages here twice. Perfect case of not your circus, not your monkey. She involved you so you took it to the person who needed to fix the issue." - okayish_22
"Yeah, the ages got me too. Amanda sounds like a teenager with the "her man" comments over Disney+. NTA OP."
"You probably saved your friend from some psycho bs later down the road. It's weird that your co-workers think you were wrong for this." - ItsMeTittsMGee
"NTA Seriously... your disney account is an issue. Your disney account on your tv.. SCANDALOUS! clearly you're trained in the arts of seduction!" - airpillow
"NTA. People don't get to "work through their insecurities" by dictating what someone else can do in their own home, with a roommate they had longer than she's been the girlfriend."
"The actual nerve of some people blows my mind." - PNWPainter02
"NTA. Pfft you bullied HER? She tried to dictate how you should act in your own home. She's trying to control her boyfriend." - throwaway798319
"NTA. If I am Eric, I am thanking you the next time I see you for getting me away from the crazy." - therandomfunone
"NTA."
"The only reason you wouldn't tell Eric is because you're trying to protect Amanda at the same time as she's making an enemy of you."
"Pretend that you decided to keep it a secret from Eric—I don't know how tight you are with him, but you would have a new barrier between you because of the secret, and there's no reason you should have to deal with that." - bigcup321
"NTA"
"You couldn't NOT tell Eric that his girlfriend had berated you for...well, for being a pleasant roommate and for using your streaming service in your home and your alternatives to sharing Amanda's texts were"
"1. to attempt to paraphrase them, which (depending the wording) either would have failed to convey the full level of craziness or made you appear completely unhinged ...."
"Or"
"2) to have your boyfriend describe what Amanda said to you..."
"which would have (depending the wording) either would have failed to convey the full level of craziness or made you & your boyfriend sound completely unhinged ...."
"...until you were, inevitably, forced to clear it up by showing Eric what Amanda actually said."
"You just cut out the unnecessary second act of a three act play." - rapt2right
"IMO NTA. Yes, she has insecurities that she should work through but not by sending a text wall of complaints/orders to someone who is right there in the apt with you."
"I think she was marking her territory." - Narrow-Initiative-80
"NTA. When I was in my 20s, my girlfriend tried to pull that sh*t with my best friend, and I was stupid enough to stay with her."
"Long story short, divorcing someone with borderline personality disorder is not fun. I hope your friend reconsiders this relationship." - 1965BenlyTouring150
"NTA. Amanda went nuclear and got hit by the fallout."
"Look, this was creating a potential problem between you and your roommate, that is the best friend of your best friend. He deserved a crack at the problem." - atmasabr
"NTA. The timing for sending the screenshots may have been a little off."
"Maybe sending them the next morning or at least not when all of you were still under the same roof at the same time would have been better. But yeah, the friend needed to know about the texts." - chameleiana
"NTA. I would consider that harassment, lol."
"And I'm sure Eric is well aware of her ability to write novels, but that doesn't mean you should become subject to it as well."
"Of course, it could've been handled more tactfully, as you've indicated, but I don't think that's something you should beat yourself up about."
"Insecure, manic, whatever she's got going on, it's her responsibility to take care of that and have some level of social awareness." - sk_coby
"This is about as NTA as it gets. She can work through her insecurities all she wants, but she doesn't get to bother you with them."
"Additionally, if she's this bad while not living with him and in less than a year, what kind of life would the guy have if nobody warned him and everyone just did what she demands?"
"This screams abusive tendencies." - fotomiep
"NTA she sounded like a little controlling, just 6 months into a relationship and she acts like that? Unless she has a reason to be jealous of you, then that's a different story."
"Sure she has some insecurities, and she needs to work on that rather than blow off on other people."
"And your friend has the right to know because rather than sending you long messages, she should have spoken with her bf first and told him how she feels."
"Communication is key to a successful relationship. What's a relationship without trust?.." - Zarthebeast
"NTA here. This is legitimately a human telling YOU how to live."
"Notice she isn't saying this to her boyfriend because she's trying to hide how controlling she wants to be."
"You didn't exploit insecurity. You simple didn't let her try to control you and, by extension, him. I'd 100 percent want to know this info." - momsterjams
"NTA. Your coworkers . . . lack intelligence (to put it politely) and you should avoid taking advice from them in the future."
"Of course, your roommate needs to see the unhinged messages his GF sent you."
"Yes, they're obviously coming from a place of insecurity, but we ALL have insecurities, and the rest of us don't get to act like that either." - dembowthennow
"NTA. It's pretty simple: the moment she sent you those texts, it became your own personal problem, and you're allowed to share your personal problems with anyone, including her boyfriends"
"F*ck that." - chacalgamer
Hopefully, the OP's roommate gets out of this toxic relationship soon.
Or, at the very least, set boundaries about this kind of textual communication with his roommates.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.