Choosing who to invite to a wedding and where to seat them can be a complicated situation.
When it comes to an estranged family member, it can be especially arduous to figure out.
When that family member has demands or qualms about their part in the event, things tend to spiral out of control.
So what is a newlywed to do?
Redditor Pavnpav wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not putting my mom on the top table at my wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I received a letter from my mom today saying she was heartbroken I didn’t put her on the top table at my wedding.”
“She listed other things, such as not being invited to help me choose a wedding dress or attend my hen party, etc.”
“For context, my mom left my dad after an affair when I was 13 and my siblings were 10 and 3.”
“She never attended parent teacher evenings, has never visited me (until I got engaged), didn’t help with any education (proofreading assignments, helping move etc), never asks how I am, met my husband only twice before the wedding, has never asked me about it met my friends and frankly has been pretty absent.”
“We have a civil but not warm relationship, and I see her once a year or so.”
“My siblings are not at all.”
“I don’t think she realizes this is not a normal parent-child relationship.”
“She thinks she’s been hurt and only her.’
“Am I wrong to think her lack of parenting when I was a teen means she doesn’t deserve my time as an adult?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for not putting her on the top table with my dad, and beyond that, AITA for not reaching out more over the years?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. And I wouldn’t reply.”
“If when you see her in person, she brings it up, I’d just say ‘I understand you’re upset, but those were the choices I made’ and change the topic, walk away… whatever… to end the discussion.”
“Heck – even say ‘I’m not going to discuss this with you.'”
“‘Those are the choices that felt right to me, and I’m not going to talk about it any further.'” ~ Fresh_Caramel8148
“Or send her a frank letter…”
“Dear Mom, the role you received in my wedding reflects the role you have played in my life.”
“We don’t have a typical mother-daughter relationship now or in the past; we are more like long-term acquaintances.”
“I understand that you might need to talk to someone to process your feelings about this, but I am not the right person.”
“Wishing you healing,”
“OP.” ~ Rude_Vermicelli2268
“She’s lucky she got an invitation.”
“Maybe it’s time for you to join your siblings in being no contact. I don’t know how you think you could possibly be an AH in this situation except to yourself for letting her affect you.” ~ choppedliver65
“NTA, but your big mistake was not where you seated her; it was inviting her in the first place.”
“As far as reaching out, you have given her as much contact as she cared to have, and possibly even more.” ~ extinct_diplodocus
“I agree, NTA.”
“But I have questions.”
“Did your siblings, who have no contact with your mother, attend the wedding?”
“If so, were they annoyed that she was there?”
“Were they part of the wedding party, and did they give you an ultimatum if your mother’s at the top table, they won’t be going to your wedding?” ~ KnickKnockers
“Girl, I’d send her a letter back detailing all these ways in which she left you heartbroken.”
“NTA, but I think you know that.” ~ Necessary_Future_275
“NTA, hopefully you told her all of this!”
“Her own choices led to that moment; it boggles the mind how many cheaters believe that what they have done affects no one, and everyone should just move on and forget about their betrayal of family and friends.” ~. Acrobatic-Stay-9687
“NTA. YOU are not the parent; she is.”
“Your relationship, especially from 13 until real adulthood, was her responsibility.”
“It sounds like she did nothing.”
“Of course, once you reach adulthood, your actions are your responsibility.”
“That doesn’t mean the relationship was.”
“Could you have reached out more? Sure.”
“Could you have been hesitant due to the fear (underlying or no) of rejection because she never did anything for you before now?”
“She didn’t show you love. You took your cues from her.”
“This isn’t on you.”
“This is on her, and she is someone refusing to take responsibility for the consequences of her actions.” ~ JGalKnit
“NTA. The fact that you actually invited her, she should be grateful for.”
“All the years of little to no contact have repercussions, and that is not sitting at the top table.” ~ G-reeper66
“I was thinking the same thing. NTA.”
“OP, your mother set the tone of the relationship, and you are following her lead.”
“How dare she send such a manipulative letter?”
“She wants all the benefits without doing the work.”
“I’m not sure I would respond because I wouldn’t be able to without telling her that the relationship you have with her now reflects the one you had with her as you were growing up.”
“She cultivated it.”
“Ugh. I’m sorry, try not to let it get under your skin.” ~ vinegargirl757
“NTA. She wants all the glory but none of the work.”
“It was gracious of you to invite her at all.” ~ Catblue3291
“I’m so sorry your mom failed you.”
“It’s especially sad and I would imagine hurtful, that she doesn’t realize it or have remorse.”
“She gave up her seat a long time ago.”
“Have a beautiful wedding and the day you dreamed of! NTA.” ~ PopJust7059
“NTA. Your *mother* wanted the top table because she wanted to *appear* to be a mother without having done any of the hard work that goes into actually being someone’s mother.”
“She didn’t even do the minimum that an ‘inadequate’ mother who was trying to be somewhat of a mother would have done.”
“She is embarrassed because others saw where she sat and questioned the relationship.”
“She didn’t actually care about the actual relationship she has with her child, but only what the guests might have surmised.”
“Move along and have your best life.” ~ Jujulabee
“NTA, OP’s mother didn’t earn any of the honors that she wrote to the OP about; she’s lucky to have been invited to the wedding at all.” ~ schec1
“NTA. Your mom left when you were young and didn’t play a significant role in your life.”
“The top table is for the people who are actually close to you and have been supportive, not for someone who wants the honor of being treated like a devoted parent without doing any of the work.”
“She can’t expect special treatment after years of minimal effort and involvement in your life.” ~ xstargirlcutie
“NTA. She abandoned you and hasn’t been your parent since you were 13.”
“She has barely been in your life at all, so she should be glad she got an invite to your wedding.”
“You should show her this post and encourage her to respond to it to explain why she deserved better treatment.”
“Being an egg donor is not enough.” ~ Difficult-Bus-6026
“NTA. Speaking honestly and plainly always works for me.”
“Reciprocity is important.”
“There is no reason why you can’t tell her that the seating placements reflect the personal closeness of the people in your life.”
“These are the people who are there, day in and day out, for you.” ~ groovymama98
“NTA. It’s your wedding and she’s making it all about her.”
“You don’t have to give your reasons, but I think her place is justified.”
“Just ignore her.” ~ Hot_Sriracha06
“NTA. She was the parent.”
“If anyone needs to do the reaching out, it’s the parent.”
“My guess is that she wants to erase the past.”
“She wants to pretend that the past never happened.”
“That’s why she expected to be treated like any other mom.’
“That’s also probably why you have the feeling she thinks this is a normal parent/child relationship.’
“You have sensed her unwillingness to account for the past.” ~ Deep-Okra1461
“NTA for either.”
“If you want to respond in any way, keep it short and close the discussion off.”
“Maybe ignore it unless she brings it up in person.’
“You haven’t had a close relationship either while still growing up, or now as adults, (and that is her decision – she was the adult at the time).”
“She shouldn’t be surprised that that is reflected in how you set up your wedding.”
“If you are still the one initiating contact and reaching out, maybe tell her that the ball is firmly in her court, and just keep your effort to a minimum.”
“The phone works both ways.” ~ Ok_Anything_9871
“NTA – honestly, I’d be concerned that she’ll cause a scene at the wedding and really rethink her attendance at all.” ~ True-Button-6471
“NTA. She was the adult in this situation; it was entirely her job to be a parent to you, and she opted out.”
“She doesn’t get to claim any of the benefits of parenthood when she decided to nope out of all the responsibilities.” ~ flotiste
“NTA. She didn’t care about any of your life events… but wanted the same public acknowledgement as the people (person?) who really raised you.”
“Her whining about being ‘hurt’ is just manipulation… acting emotionally wounded is calculated to make you into the bad guy and erase all the neglect and abandonment she is guilty of.” ~ karendonner
“NTA, I personally would write back and tell her that the top table is an earned position.’
“Since she abandoned you, she had not earned it.” ~ No_Scientist_8988
Reddit is in agreement with you, OP.
Your mother is lucky she was even invited to your wedding.
It’s sad that she can only think of herself.
You were allowed to seat anyone, anywhere you wanted.
You didn’t put her in the kitchen.
Good luck and congratulations!