Not all relationships are destined to work out, and while some parents can work through their issues, others are better off breaking up, for the sake of their own happiness and for their children's sake.
But in some situations, coparenting does not improve the situation, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor BusinDaduu had been single for the last four years while his ex-wife moved on with a new husband, a stepdaughter, and two biological children with her new partner, and he watched the new couple go from bragging about how much money they had to struggling to support all of their kids.
When she started trying to get him to help her not just with their two biological sons but also with her stepdaughter, because she and her husband couldn't balance it all, the Original Poster (OP) did not want to assist with a child who was related to him in no way whatsoever.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to do school drop off and pickup for my ex-wife's stepdaughter or to let her come to my house with our boys after school?"
The OP went through a messy divorce with his ex-wife and her new partner.
"My ex-wife (34 Female) and I (35 Male) share custody of our two boys (ages 10 and 8 Male)."
"She left me for her husband (40 Male) four years ago and sued for sole custody, which she lost."
"Then her husband tried to start sh*t with me. He bragged about all his money and how he'd spoil the s**t out of his NEW sons and they'd see why a two-parent household was better than a struggling single-parent household."
"So bad blood exists between us. Luckily, they could never come between me and my boys."
The OP watched as the couple went from bragging about money to struggling.
"The whole 'we have SO much money' thing lasted all of a year and a half, and then she started asking for more money. She tried suing for more child support and, in general, would whine about their poor financial state."
"I ignored it all and offered to take primary custody if that would help."
"My ex has a stepdaughter who's about seven years old, and she lives with them full-time. They also have two young biological children together."
The OP was surprised when his ex went so far as to ask for help with her stepdaughter.
"A month ago, my ex-wife sent me a message through our co-parenting app, asking me to take her stepdaughter to and from school each day when the kids are back at school."
"She also wanted me to keep her stepdaughter at my house three or four times per week after school."
"Apparently, finances are so tight that they cannot afford childcare, and her family does not want to care for the stepdaughter because they are already watching the younger two, so she and her husband can work."
The OP felt he was already doing enough, though at least it was for his sons.
"For more than a year now, I have been doing it all for our sons."
"I have them after school on her parenting time, and I pick them up for school and drop them off."
"But I do not want to do her or her husband any favors. This was for my boys."
"And they don't want to have their stepsister over at our house. I talked to them about it after they said their mom mentioned it to them. They don't seem too fond of her (or their half-siblings), and they like having me without their stepsister or half-siblings."
"For me, that's all I needed. This girl is not my child, and while I feel bad that she clearly isn't treated well by my ex's family, I do not feel it should be on me."
"My ex has pushed for this repeatedly through the app. My attorney knows. She's keeping tabs, and if we ever need it, we have proof of everything for court should things get to that point again."
The OP's ex-wife continued to push for him to care for her stepdaughter.
"My ex-wife has tried to guilt and shame me for saying no. She also tried to blame me if something bad happened to her stepdaughter because she had bad childcare if they had to scrape together cheap care."
"But I still don't feel like that's my responsibility."
"AITAH for refusing?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to pursue full custody of his sons before the situation got worse.
"They wrote all of that on the coparenting app? Time for you to become the primary parent on paper and practice." - sportscarstwtperson
"He is doing literally everything. I had to go back and read this part: 'I have them after school on her parenting time and I pick them up for school and drop them off.' On HER parenting time!"
"OP needs to just get full custody of his kids and have nothing to do with his ex or any one of them again, for real. And get HER to pay child support since OP will have them more than 50-50." - alex135790423
"OP needs to get thee to a courtroom STAT. How much are his kids treated badly in favor of the other three to 'keep things even,' because they had more kids than they could afford? NOPE. His sons shouldn't suffer because of their mother's shortcomings." - TheLoneliestGhost
"Your ex could easily create situations/allegations to get sole custody of your boys (and have you pay child support). The way she and her husband treated you leaves no room for doubt regarding the type of people they are. Please be careful." - OrneryEnvironment5
"Definitely NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Document, document, document!"
"You DON'T OWE your ex anything except a decent coparenting relationship for YOUR kids. Whatever happens to the other kids is not your problem or responsibility to solve or fix."
"Keep doing what you are doing, ignore any and all attempts to pull you into doing things for her other kids. Your boys want alone time with you."
"I'm petty, so I would ask her and her husband what happened to all of the money that he bragged he had? Why are they having such a hard time financially?"
"Take care of yourself and your boys only." - bino0526
Others cautioned the OP that caring for his ex-wife's stepdaughter could create more problems for him.
"Have you considered that if your ex's stepdaughter were to be hurt, or allege abuse, while at your home, that your ex and her affair partner would sue you in a New York minute?"
"Never take responsibility for their children when there is bad blood between you. Never." - Purple_Bishop2
"The ex and her new dude have made it abundantly clear they will stoop to any level they need to get full custody of the boys."
"To me, that screams that they'll quietly allow him to do these things for them, then the second he raises an alarm or says no about something in the future, strange allegations will start to surface."
"Don't let the stepdaughter come in and possibly plant doubt or evidence. She could be perfectly innocent and caught in the crossfire (and in that case, that poor girl), but she could be part of the problem, too. Don't risk it." - RedneckAngel83
"NTA. OP. There are too many risks and zero reward for doing your ex a favor. She has some nerve, let's break this down, shall we?"
"Cheating on you, marrying her affair partner, then him trying to alienate your kids from you (thankfully to no avail), trying to get sole custody (again thankfully to no avail), and now wanting you to provide FREE CHILDCARE for her affair partner's child?!"
"After they bragged about how much money they have? After her affair partner started s**t with you?"
"Did she listen to herself when she made that request? The absolute entitlement of some people. Her husband is responsible for the care and safety of HIS daughter. He needs to provide for her care. Not you."
"At this point, I would have your lawyer send her a cease-and-desist for any communications that do not explicitly have to do with YOUR SONS and ONLY YOUR SONS." - Lazy-Instruction-600
"I hate that OP needs to think of it, but I could definitely see that being a potential threat to worry about."
"His ex's new hubby has already shown he is willing to try to start problems. So it is a reasonable concern that he'd try to say something happened to screw OP over and potentially get ex full custody."
"Even if it would be shooting herself in the foot since she'd lose what help she is getting from OP in terms of taking the boys to/from school and watching them after school. NTA." - corgidev
"The fact that this is a girl and you are a non-relative male is reason enough to say no."
"This girl has been rejected by everyone she knows, including her own family. Her mom can't be that great if the father has custody... (unless she is dead)."
"I can't imagine the false allegations that could come up and ruin the lives of you and your sons."
"Your home is a safe space for your children. PeriodT. Your home is your time with your children. PeriodT."
"They need to figure things out on their end. No suggestions, no comments, no judgment. Just a flat-out no."
"I DO feel for her, because it sounds like that poor little girl is already being emotionally abused at the least, unwanted and rejected by every single person in her life. This is a terrible situation, and I hope she finds some kindness from someone, but the OP should not and cannot get involved." - Sweet-Flamingo69
While the subReddit could feel for the stepdaughter and wanted better for her than she seemed to be getting, they were all certain that the OP was not the person to provide that welcoming care for her.
Not only was he already doing more than his fair share for his sons, given the shared custody agreement, but he was not related in any way to his ex-wife's stepdaughter, and as much as the other couple might just need help with caring for the stepdaughter, they could also be using her to try to get more from the OP.
As much as it might help the stepdaughter, it wasn't worth the risk for the OP and his sons.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.