Not all relationships are destined to work out, and while some parents can work through their issues, others are better off breaking up, for the sake of their own happiness and for their children’s sake.
But in some situations, coparenting does not improve the situation, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor BusinDaduu had been single for the last four years while his ex-wife moved on with a new husband, a stepdaughter, and two biological children with her new partner, and he watched the new couple go from bragging about how much money they had to struggling to support all of their kids.
When she started trying to get him to help her not just with their two biological sons but also with her stepdaughter, because she and her husband couldn’t balance it all, the Original Poster (OP) did not want to assist with a child who was related to him in no way whatsoever.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to do school drop off and pickup for my ex-wife’s stepdaughter or to let her come to my house with our boys after school?”
The OP went through a messy divorce with his ex-wife and her new partner.
“My ex-wife (34 Female) and I (35 Male) share custody of our two boys (ages 10 and 8 Male).”
“She left me for her husband (40 Male) four years ago and sued for sole custody, which she lost.”
“Then her husband tried to start sh*t with me. He bragged about all his money and how he’d spoil the s**t out of his NEW sons and they’d see why a two-parent household was better than a struggling single-parent household.”
“So bad blood exists between us. Luckily, they could never come between me and my boys.”
The OP watched as the couple went from bragging about money to struggling.
“The whole ‘we have SO much money’ thing lasted all of a year and a half, and then she started asking for more money. She tried suing for more child support and, in general, would whine about their poor financial state.”
“I ignored it all and offered to take primary custody if that would help.”
“My ex has a stepdaughter who’s about seven years old, and she lives with them full-time. They also have two young biological children together.”
The OP was surprised when his ex went so far as to ask for help with her stepdaughter.
“A month ago, my ex-wife sent me a message through our co-parenting app, asking me to take her stepdaughter to and from school each day when the kids are back at school.”
“She also wanted me to keep her stepdaughter at my house three or four times per week after school.”
“Apparently, finances are so tight that they cannot afford childcare, and her family does not want to care for the stepdaughter because they are already watching the younger two, so she and her husband can work.”
The OP felt he was already doing enough, though at least it was for his sons.
“For more than a year now, I have been doing it all for our sons.”
“I have them after school on her parenting time, and I pick them up for school and drop them off.”
“But I do not want to do her or her husband any favors. This was for my boys.”
“And they don’t want to have their stepsister over at our house. I talked to them about it after they said their mom mentioned it to them. They don’t seem too fond of her (or their half-siblings), and they like having me without their stepsister or half-siblings.”
“For me, that’s all I needed. This girl is not my child, and while I feel bad that she clearly isn’t treated well by my ex’s family, I do not feel it should be on me.”
“My ex has pushed for this repeatedly through the app. My attorney knows. She’s keeping tabs, and if we ever need it, we have proof of everything for court should things get to that point again.”
The OP’s ex-wife continued to push for him to care for her stepdaughter.
“My ex-wife has tried to guilt and shame me for saying no. She also tried to blame me if something bad happened to her stepdaughter because she had bad childcare if they had to scrape together cheap care.”
“But I still don’t feel like that’s my responsibility.”
“AITAH for refusing?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to pursue full custody of his sons before the situation got worse.
“They wrote all of that on the coparenting app? Time for you to become the primary parent on paper and practice.” – sportscarstwtperson
“He is doing literally everything. I had to go back and read this part: ‘I have them after school on her parenting time and I pick them up for school and drop them off.’ On HER parenting time!”
“OP needs to just get full custody of his kids and have nothing to do with his ex or any one of them again, for real. And get HER to pay child support since OP will have them more than 50-50.” – alex135790423
“OP needs to get thee to a courtroom STAT. How much are his kids treated badly in favor of the other three to ‘keep things even,’ because they had more kids than they could afford? NOPE. His sons shouldn’t suffer because of their mother’s shortcomings.” – TheLoneliestGhost
“Your ex could easily create situations/allegations to get sole custody of your boys (and have you pay child support). The way she and her husband treated you leaves no room for doubt regarding the type of people they are. Please be careful.” – OrneryEnvironment5
“Definitely NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Document, document, document!”
“You DON’T OWE your ex anything except a decent coparenting relationship for YOUR kids. Whatever happens to the other kids is not your problem or responsibility to solve or fix.”
“Keep doing what you are doing, ignore any and all attempts to pull you into doing things for her other kids. Your boys want alone time with you.”
“I’m petty, so I would ask her and her husband what happened to all of the money that he bragged he had? Why are they having such a hard time financially?”
“Take care of yourself and your boys only.” – bino0526
Others cautioned the OP that caring for his ex-wife’s stepdaughter could create more problems for him.
“Have you considered that if your ex’s stepdaughter were to be hurt, or allege abuse, while at your home, that your ex and her affair partner would sue you in a New York minute?”
“Never take responsibility for their children when there is bad blood between you. Never.” – Purple_Bishop2
“The ex and her new dude have made it abundantly clear they will stoop to any level they need to get full custody of the boys.”
“To me, that screams that they’ll quietly allow him to do these things for them, then the second he raises an alarm or says no about something in the future, strange allegations will start to surface.”
“Don’t let the stepdaughter come in and possibly plant doubt or evidence. She could be perfectly innocent and caught in the crossfire (and in that case, that poor girl), but she could be part of the problem, too. Don’t risk it.” – RedneckAngel83
“NTA. OP. There are too many risks and zero reward for doing your ex a favor. She has some nerve, let’s break this down, shall we?”
“Cheating on you, marrying her affair partner, then him trying to alienate your kids from you (thankfully to no avail), trying to get sole custody (again thankfully to no avail), and now wanting you to provide FREE CHILDCARE for her affair partner’s child?!”
“After they bragged about how much money they have? After her affair partner started s**t with you?”
“Did she listen to herself when she made that request? The absolute entitlement of some people. Her husband is responsible for the care and safety of HIS daughter. He needs to provide for her care. Not you.”
“At this point, I would have your lawyer send her a cease-and-desist for any communications that do not explicitly have to do with YOUR SONS and ONLY YOUR SONS.” – Lazy-Instruction-600
“I hate that OP needs to think of it, but I could definitely see that being a potential threat to worry about.”
“His ex’s new hubby has already shown he is willing to try to start problems. So it is a reasonable concern that he’d try to say something happened to screw OP over and potentially get ex full custody.”
“Even if it would be shooting herself in the foot since she’d lose what help she is getting from OP in terms of taking the boys to/from school and watching them after school. NTA.” – corgidev
“The fact that this is a girl and you are a non-relative male is reason enough to say no.”
“This girl has been rejected by everyone she knows, including her own family. Her mom can’t be that great if the father has custody… (unless she is dead).”
“I can’t imagine the false allegations that could come up and ruin the lives of you and your sons.”
“Your home is a safe space for your children. PeriodT. Your home is your time with your children. PeriodT.”
“They need to figure things out on their end. No suggestions, no comments, no judgment. Just a flat-out no.”
“I DO feel for her, because it sounds like that poor little girl is already being emotionally abused at the least, unwanted and rejected by every single person in her life. This is a terrible situation, and I hope she finds some kindness from someone, but the OP should not and cannot get involved.” – Sweet-Flamingo69
While the subReddit could feel for the stepdaughter and wanted better for her than she seemed to be getting, they were all certain that the OP was not the person to provide that welcoming care for her.
Not only was he already doing more than his fair share for his sons, given the shared custody agreement, but he was not related in any way to his ex-wife’s stepdaughter, and as much as the other couple might just need help with caring for the stepdaughter, they could also be using her to try to get more from the OP.
As much as it might help the stepdaughter, it wasn’t worth the risk for the OP and his sons.