It's no secret that smart financial management is a key aspect in every healthy relationship, but some people still fail to understand just how much poor financial decisions can hurt a relationship.
This is especially true when savings accounts and emergency funds are impacted by an impulsive purchase or a big spend, side-eyed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
For a brief and blissful moment, Redditor ButterflyDazzling114 was excited when his wife gifted him the plans for the vacation he had always dreamed of, but then he realized that the money had to come from somewhere.
When he found out that his wife had almost completely drained their collective savings account to fund this trip, the Original Poster (OP) found himself looking at the trip, and at his wife, a whole lot differently.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my wife I want separate bank accounts after she spent all of our savings on a vacation?"
The OP was more shocked than surprised by a dream vacation from his wife.
"My wife, Emma (32 Female), recently surprised me (34 Male) with a dream vacation."
"At first, I was excited, but that excitement quickly faded when I realized she had used all of our joint savings to pay for it without consulting me."
"This isn't the first time she's made big financial decisions without involving me, but this one left us with almost nothing in the bank."
The OP realized the way the couple approached their finances needed to change.
"After some thought, I told her that I thought we should have separate bank accounts moving forward."
"I don't want to feel like our financial future is being gambled on whims, and I believe this would give us both some autonomy."
"Emma was furious and accused me of overreacting, saying that the vacation was a gift and that I should be grateful."
The OP was worried about how this may have hurt their relationship.
"Now, things are tense between us."
"She's acting like I don't trust her, but in my view, it's about ensuring we both have control over our money.2
"I don't want this to ruin our relationship, but I also don't want to go through this financial stress again."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the wife didn't feel trusted because she couldn't be trusted right now.
"Maybe she feels like you don't trust her because she demonstrated that she can't be trusted." - Stranger-Tastes
"You don't trust her. She can't be trusted with JOINT finances. They're not hers alone to spend as she wishes, even if she's using them for the both of you."
"The only time that's okay is if it's for emergency surgery and you literally can't say anything."
"You're NTA, especially if she's shown a pattern of fiscal irresponsibility. I would suggest asking her to speak, jointly with you, to a counselor/therapist about communication issues." - noideawhatisup
"NTA. It isn't a gift when she spends your money on it. Don't even be gaslighted into feeling ashamed about not trusting her or having to defend and explain why that isn't the case."
"You SHOULDN'T trust her. She has proven multiple times to be untrustworthy." - Sebscreen
"I can just see it now. The OP will be back a few months from now, saying that his wife has been complaining because her bank account has no money in it, and his does, and why can't he just share his money with her, and he won't know what to do next because he can now see how unwisely she spends her money."
"And then she'll come on here and post about how her husband is 'financially abusing' her after she tried to do 'something nice' for him. What a nightmare. NTA." - AtmostphereLife50303
"Just saying she probably is going to claim that the planning and orchestration of the trip and, if he went on the trip, his partaking in and enjoyment of it would be the actual gift in this scenario."
"Also, I feel like there is missing info. OP said 'dream trip,' so I'm assuming they have shared and discussed this with their partner before. Is it possible that she had waited until they could just barely afford it to plan the trip and she thought they had talked about doing something like that?"
"And did he go on the trip and then ask for separate finances after? That's kind of weird to just say nothing and accept this super expensive jointly financed trip and then decide to bring it up after."
"And if they haven't gone yet, why wasn't the first reaction upon discovering how she paid for it to tell her that he wasn't okay with it? Instead, he is beating around the bush and just saying like, okay, I'll go on this trip, but we will get separated accounts?"
"Either way, I wouldn't trust her, but I feel like this is a missed opportunity to communicate and get on the same page about shared finances." - Bloody_H**l_Harry
Others agreed and pointed out that future financial hardship was not a gift.
"Absolutely separate your finances. How in the world is the vacation a gift? It's true, you don't trust her because she has shown herself to be untrustworthy. Unilaterally deciding to take a joint savings and wipe it out for a vacation is a form of financial abuse."
"NTA. Keep your passwords hidden." - CaliforniaJade
"NTA. The truth is you can't trust her. And a gift is typically something you don't pay for. In this case, you very much paid for at minimum half of this 'gift' since it came from your joint account."
"At this point, if she can just spend joint money however she wants without consulting you, you have every right to create a separate bank account to ensure your financial security."
"My husband and I have been married for nearly 18 years and we have always maintained separate accounts. We have one shared savings account for major purchases/emergencies and we never use the money without discussing it first."
"Let her calm down, and then you need to have a serious conversation with your wife because this really is unacceptable. I would be p**sed, too." - ComprehensivePut5569
"NTA."
"Did you guys have a discussion prior to sharing an account on how you guys could and could not use the funds? If you haven't, it's time to do so now. She overstepped big time and made a massive purchase without consulting you first. And now she's mad at you?"
"Personally, I'd be beyond p**sed. Savings are for emergencies and future plans (for us anyway), and if we want something specific we have a separate savings account (for yearly vacations or whatever). That way we still have our cushion if something goes sideways." - NotRightNotWrong15
"The 'gift' in this scenario is doing the legwork of finding the best accommodations, booking flights, planning an itinerary, etc. But it's only okay if everyone that is contributing financially is on the same page!" - kaleighdoscope
"NTA."
"Acting like this vacation was a 'gift' to you, when she used joint money to pay for it, is absurd. What exactly are you supposed to see as the gift? That she made all of the decisions about your vacation without any input from you?"
"Not only should you get a separate bank account, I'd suggest completely separating your finances from hers and, in the process, seeing if there are any other "surprises" that you should know about." - ImpossibleFuture7339
"Just going to say, something paid for from a joint account can still be a gift, but this isn't one."
"People with completely-merged finances still give one another gifts, but the spirit of the gift in that case becomes the thoughtfulness of putting something together that will make your partner happy."
"If you already know your partner wants to have more in savings than will remain after your purchase, then the stress the 'gift' will cause outweighs the happiness it will bring, and it's no longer a 'gift.'"
"I have a suspicion that OP's wife only drains the bank account on 'gifts' when they're something she wants herself. Somehow I doubt she'd drain their account for a 'gift' that she won't benefit from herself."
"Whenever she wants something that she knows OP would say is too expensive, she calls it a 'gift' so that she can make the purchase without talking to OP; she gets what she wants, and OP is supposed to be grateful." - littlefiddle05
The subReddit felt like its collective mind had been blown by the OP's wife's performance of mental gymnastics. Not only had she spent money that the OP, at least in part, earned, but she had spent almost all of the money they would need for any future emergency or need.
While vacations are fun, and dream vacations are called a dream for a reason, no vacation should come at the expense of financial peace, security, and funds for emergencies. Perhaps most importantly, they should not come at the expense of your partner's trust.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.