Many people dream of becoming a parent all their lives.
Unfortunately, the gift of parenthood doesn’t come as easy for some as it does for others.
Some people find themselves unable to conceive and can’t afford the considerable expense the treatments cost to help them fulfill their dream.
Such was the case with the sister-in-law of Redditor Porkchop-Sure-21, who was told the only way she and her husband would become parents was through IVF treatments.
Sadly, doing so was beyond their price range, and their insurance wouldn’t cover it.
They did find a glimmer of hope, which would have required the original poster (OP)’s help, but when approached, the OP declined.
Wondering if they were being insensitive, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to pitch in money toward my sister-in-law’s IVF treatments and telling her and my brother that their future children are not my responsibility?”
The OP explained why they were unwilling to help their brother and sister-in-law with their request to help them become parents.
“My brother Reid and sister-in-law Nora has always wanted children.”
“However, they are unable to conceive naturally.”
“Nora had multiple ovarian cysts and eventually needed to have both her ovaries removed as a teenager.”
“Reid and Nora are in their early thirties and are very urgent about needing to try sooner than never because they say they are approaching an age where IVF success rates start to decline.”
“Because of Nora’s past medical issues, I am told that she will need extra care, and her round of treatments will be especially expensive. A little over $27,000.”
“Reid and Nora already have $9,000 set aside in savings for IVF treatments.”
“They’ve raised $1,000 from friends.”
“The rest of the family is pitching in smaller amounts as well.”
“My mother is giving $2,000, Nora’s sister Lauren is giving $1,000, and her parents are giving $4,000.”
“Which leaves about $10,000 left.”
“Their insurance will not help to cover it because they don’t consider it a medically necessary procedure.”
“Reid and Nora have also had difficulty qualifying for an IVF loan as they have poor credit.”
“Reid and Nora are asking me to help because, according to the loan advisor, I am allowed to take out the loan on Reid and Nora’s behalf.”
“$10,000 is a huge ask for me.”
“And the fact that Reid and Nora have poor credit shows they already don’t have a good track record of paying back loans.”
“When I questioned why they didn’t ask Lauren, they claimed they couldn’t because she isn’t single and childless like I am.”
“They see it as me not having any dependents.”
“My mother and parents-in-law don’t have a lot of savings, and their earlier mentioned donations were already a huge gift for them.”
“It takes a long time to correct a bad credit score, and it makes things much more difficult.”
“And, harsh as it is to say, I don’t want to take out thousands of dollars in a loan for a procedure that has a good chance of not even working.”
“So I told Reid and Nora no and that their future children are not my responsibility.”
“I also wanted to put my foot down now.”
“Because next it’s gonna be private school tuition or a college fund, and that shouldn’t be my responsibility just because I am currently single and childless.”
“Nora was obviously disappointed but told me she respected my choice.”
“Reid was angry, he told me that he would remember this for when I am ever in a time of need so that I will know how it feels to have family turn their back on me.”
“The rest of the family members have essentially told me ‘We’re not mad at you, just disappointed’.”
“Because Nora worried for years that she would never be able to have children or be a mother.”
“They say Reid and Nora would be wonderful parents and isn’t right that they can’t conceive naturally, which I do agree with.”
“However, I still stand by Nora and Reid’s future children not being my responsibility.”
“I don’t think it’s fair that I should delay or give up the possibility of starting my own family in order to finance Reid and Nora’s.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to take out a loan to help their brother and sister-in-law with their IVF treatments.
While most did sympathize with the plight of Reid and Nora, everyone also agreed that the OP was absolutely correct in believing Reid and Nora’s fertility struggles were not the OP’s responsibility and that taking out a $10,000 loan was asking a lot of anyone.
“Their ability to conceive is not your responsibility at all.”
“Your last point is exactly correct.”- Miss-Helle
‘If the procedure fails, they wouldn’t want to pay back anything because they got nothing. If baby arrives, they wouldn’t want to pay back because the baby is expensive.”
“They are just asking OP to eat $10,000 plus interest for years, to me.”
“If they are asking $1,000 level donation like everyone else, that’s different, but that’s not the case.”
“Them already consulting loan advisor using OP’s info and buying into other family members before they ask OP gives me chills.”
“’Yeah, OP is single, doesn’t have own child, and has income and credit, should do it’.”- p9nultimat9
“That loan will become your donation.”
“They will never pay it back.”
“Their credit is already bad because they don’t pay back loans when they should (if they even do.)”
“If they have a child, they will be even more strapped for cash, and a loan that you’re backing will be their payback lowest priority.”- Dittoheadforever
“This type of stuff always pisses me off.”
“Just because I’m single and don’t have kids does not mean my money or time is free to anyone in need or who has kids.”
“No one is entitled to your money.. and you are correct you do this now, and they will just expecting you to keep funding them.”
“I have NEVER heard of taking out a loan on someone else’s behalf.”
“If you took out this loan, you would be the one on the hook for it.”
“Not Reid and Nora.”
“So I guess adoptions are out of the question because she only wants to be a mother to her own child?”
“Another person said that you should make sure you have backups to your backups, and none of them are family is a good idea.”
“Because why the family might be ‘disappointed in you’ in reality they’re pissed at you for not giving up your money.”- Gypsy-Nyx
“Oh hell no, you are NTA.”
“That is not your responsibility.”
“I am sorry they are struggling, but common sense would beg the question, if they cannot afford IVF, how could they afford the child?”
“The treatment may not even be successful…. in addition, being single and childless/childfree doesn’t mean you don’t have your own obligations and causes to which you’d want your money to go.”
“Best of luck to you.”- MistySlays
“NTA and here’s the main reason why:”
“I’ve had three unsuccessful rounds of IVF, and we’re about to do the fourth.”
“There is no guarantee one round is going to do it.”
“The average is three.”
“I’m assuming they’re doing donor eggs, but just because you pay $27K for embryos doesn’t mean they will stick.”
“Realistically they are not in the right financial place for this.”
“It’s just the truth, even though they may not want to hear it.”
“The fact that they are so far away from being able to afford Round 1 means they need to save more.”
“I get it. They want kids.”
“But I’m in my early 40s, and we’re FINALLY financially where we were able to do three rounds of IVF in a year.”
“Early 30s is actually young in the IVF world, especially if they’re using donor eggs.”
“Which, since she has no ovaries, they must be.”
“Or her eggs she froze as a teen?”
“In which case they’re being disingenuous about the science, or they are uninformed.”
“If they aren’t her eggs, she can have kids at 45.”
“It’s the age of the egg donor that matters, not her age.”
“They need to sit back and get their financial situation in order for five years.”
“They are not ready to embark on this journey.”
“They do not need your $10K right now.”
“If I sound harsh, it’s bc I deeply understand this process and can tell right away these people aren’t ready for what’s coming.”
“Tough love, sorry.”- CaraSandDune
One can understand Reid and Nora wanting to do everything they can to become parents.
And they are indeed lucky that so many others are willing to help them with their mission.
Lucky as they are, they shouldn’t expect help, particularly such an expensive loan which the OP would end up being responsible for.
Hopefully, they’ll find another way and welcome a bundle of joy before too long.