TW: Miscarriage
Pregnancy is a precarious time, especially in the early weeks.
Miscarrying is often top-of-mind for expectant mothers, especially with 80% of miscarriages occurring before 12 weeks, according to the March of Dimes.
Redditor Slight-Ad8638’s sister-in-law has tragically had multiple miscarriages in the past, largely due to having a form of PCOS.
Recently the Original Poster (OP) and her husband hosted a party. Her SIL was three months pregnant at the time.
Due to knowing her SIL’s pregnancy status, the OP and her husband set aside an indoor fridge for non-alcoholic beverages while the alcoholic beverages were in coolers outside.
During the course of the party, the OP’s SIL ended up getting drunk and sadly miscarrying again.
In her grief, the SIL put the blame on the OP. The OP, in turn, pointed fingers back at her SIL.
This caused a significant argument, driving the OP to subReddit, “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for telling my SIL she was stupid and proned to miscarr*”
She went on to say:
“I [25-year-old female] have been married to my husband for two years.”
“We recently got our first home and are officially homeowners, so a few weeks ago, we decided to throw a big party with family and friends.”
“We did have a bunch of alcoholic drinks and mixed drinks, but I had them separated bc my SIL is three months pregnant.”
“My SIL has had 4 miscarriages in the past. It’s heart-wrenching, and I feel horrible for her. I’ve always been supportive. She has a form of PCOS.”
“Anyways, at the party, I had told SIL that the nonalcohol drinks were in the indoor fridge and to feel free to make herself virgin drinks if she liked.”
“On the table outside I had mixed drinks outside and in the outside cooler. Long story short sister in law ended up getting trashed, a week later miscarried.”
“She’s been blaming my husband and I since early January for this. Sending us hateful messages spamming my phone, saying one of us must’ve mixed up the drinks (which didn’t happen.)”
“When it first occurred, I told her I was so sorry, but it wasn’t our fault we had another guest who was drinking, and I had made her aware of where the other drinks were.”
“Two days ago she tried pulling that stuff again when we ran into her while at my MIL, and again said it and followed me through the house arguing with me.”
“I finally blew and said you’re the stupid one for A) not listening when I told you where the nonalcoholic drinks are, B) for continuing to drink bc she had to of realized she was getting drunk…”
“…and C) bc you’re already prone to miscarriages due to your conditions, this isn’t our fault.”
“She broke down in tears crying and wailing saying I wasn’t sensitive, I was a horrible person. My MIL asked us to leave.”
“My husband and I feel bad for her miscarrying ofc, but she has been harassing us for weeks.”
“SIL texted me off BIL number bc we blocked her, saying how she couldn’t believe I was calling her stupid when her misfortune happened due to my party how I needed to apologize…”
“…and how I’ve never been pregnant, so I’ll never understand and how alcohol feels different during pregnancy, how I was uneducated. MIL is backing her up.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“I’m sorry, but this is tickling my Reddit conspiracy bone–are you sure she was actually pregnant?”
“Because I’ve known a lot of people who have struggled with fertility issues and, if they were 3 months pregnant and prone to miscarrying…”
“…they would have read labels 5x and probably played it safe by just drinking water.”
“I myself do not drink any alcohol, and I’ve never once ended up accidentally drunk…”
“…it’s pretty obvious on the first sip or two if a drink is something other than what I intended.”
“Heck, I can’t even be fooled by regular Coke when I’ve ordered Coke Zero, no matter how many times those kids in the McDonald’s drive-thru try to pull one over on me.”
“Presuming BIL and MIL were at the party, why did neither of them notice she was getting tipsy and cut her off?”
“I just don’t see how, as host, you are somehow responsible for a bunch of other people’s actions or failure to act.”
“NTA.” – JeepersCreepers74
“NTA”
“‘Long story short sister in law ended up getting trashed, a week later miscarried.'”
“Adults know what alcohol tastes like.”
“She chose to get drunk.” – StAlvis
“NTA.”
“Your sister is obviously unhappy and sensitive about her loss. I understand why she is feeling sad, moody, and possibly depressed.”
“And on top of the psychological pain, I understand that the hormone swings of a miscarriage can also be hard to deal with.”
“But that doesn’t give her the right to go all crazy on you! It sounds like you bent over backward to help. You kept separate drinks for her.”
“You apologized. You apologized again. And she just wouldn’t let up! It’s perfectly reasonable for you to snap back when someone just keeps picking, picking, picking with no justification at all.”
“I’m sorry for her loss, and I’m sorry that she’s been taking it out on you.” – SushiGuacDNA
“NTA and yikes. Don’t let her and your in-laws scapegoat you guys. It’s not your fault she’s made awful choices and suffered disturbing (but, as you’ve pointed out, predictable) consequences.”
“Also, you can taste alcohol in drinks, and you can feel alcohol very quickly.”
“Being pregnant doesn’t magically erase either one, and when you are pregnant (or on G), you should be being more vigilant, not less.” – Proof_Option1386
“There is no way she didn’t know when she was getting buzzed, much less smashed. Obviously, her husband didn’t try to stop her.”
“And I’ve never been at a get-together where at least one person didn’t encounter everyone else at least five times – and I have a big extended family.”
“So the chances of no one seeing her grab a drink from the outside area are so minuscule, you’d probably need the James-Webb to find it.”
“Miscarrying sucks as there’s always that, ‘what did I do wrong?’ always at the back of your brain, and that’s after you’ve come to terms with the loss.”
“SIL knows she screwed up but cannot admit that because then everyone would judge her. The problem is, she’s trashing you and your husband, which isn’t doing anyone any favors.”
“Don’t give her an apology, as you were responsible for having the drinks separated.”
“Also, don’t give anyone who agrees with her any grace or do-over, as this is something that could get even more carried away than it has.”
“NTA. But d*mn, your SIL has some gall.” – ahopskip_andajump
“Definitively NTA.”
“Miscarriages are incredibly difficult, but outside of that I must guess that her life has been a sh*t show.”
“Your MIL is likely just trying to protect her from triggers. Don’t blame her. She’s just protecting her daughter.”
“That said, your MIL likely knows her daughter is a f*ck up, but wants her to feel that someone is in her corner. Hopefully she will use that to help guide her to better behavior/therapy.”
“I’m an old dude, and have known a lot of women who have had numerous miscarriages. It’s horrific, heartbreaking, emotionally exhausting, and affects everyone in the family.”
“I do wish her the best, but I would keep your distance.” – IAmInCa
“NTA unless you held your SIL down and forced her to ingest alcohol…which obviously you didn’t.”
“You are not responsible for your SIL’s inability to control herself. Period.”
“Either she’s an adult and can tell the obvious difference between alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks or she’s an imbecile. In either case, this is a ‘her’ problem.”
“Not your monkeys, not your circus.” – IamIrene
“NTA SiL needs to take responsibility for her own actions. She knew from the first sip that the drinks were alcoholic, yet she kept drinking.”
“You did your part by informing her that those drinks were alcoholic and by providing her with alcohol-free alternatives.”
“It is not your responsibility to follow her around and slap drinks out of her hand.”
“ETA: It might be a good idea to apologize for the ‘prone to miscarriage’ comment. While it is true, it is kinda insensitive.” – PuddingIdjit
“I’m truly sorry for her loss, as I’m sure you are, but you’re not at fault here. It’s possible no one is.”
“She’s had numerous miscarriages, and the fact that she consumed alcohol a week prior isn’t likely to be the cause of this one.”
“I stopped drinking alcohol years ago for personal reasons, and I can tell you I’d know immediately by either taste, smell, or feeling if I drank something with alcohol in it.”
“She needs someone to blame, I guess, but this is completely unfair to you. You were attacked and blamed, which I’m sure felt awful, but she’s responsible for her own actions.”
“NTA at all.” – forgetregret1day
Devastating, but the OP is definitely not the a**hole.