Money does something really weird to a lot of people, impacting their priorities and their gratitude— and parents are no exception.
Some parents find themselves prioritizing things they never would have, while others question their worth because of things another parent has.
One woman recently discovered how deep these feelings can go on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor finallywilling found herself stuck between what she was able to give her family and her sister-in-law's feelings of insecurity.
When issues repeatedly came up, the Original Poster (OP) questioned what she should do next.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for refusing to buy my kids cheaper clothes because my SIL (sister-in-law) asked me to?"
The OP lived a very different lifestyle from her in-laws.
"My husband and I have 2 daughters (14 and 16)."
"We both have high-paying jobs (I am a plastic surgeon and he is a neurosurgeon; we met in med school), so we are very stable financially and are able to have some vacations and buy stuff we like."
"My husband's brother and his wife are not very well off financially. They don't have debts and they have a nice home, though."
"SIL and I don't have a very good relationship but we are cordial enough with each other."
The OP and her husband liked to treat their daughters to nice clothing.
"My daughters are very into fashion and I think they are very good at dressing up and making outfits."
"Since they both have very good grades and are well-behaved, DH (dear husband) and I like to take them shopping when we have the chance."
"Yesterday we hosted dinner at our house to celebrate FIL's (father-in-law's) birthday and many family members came, including SIL."
"My daughters were dressed formally since that's what everyone agreed to."
The OP's sister-in-law did not appreciate this.
"When SIL and her kids arrived, she stared at my daughters with a frown."
"Later in the evening before dinner was served, she pulled me aside and asked me why did I allow my girls to wear those clothes."
"I asked her what she meant, and she said that teenagers shouldn't wear expensive clothing if they didn't buy them with their own money."
"I told her that it was okay since although they don't have jobs, they work for it by getting good grades."
"She told me that it was not fair and that her kids always asked her to buy them stuff from the same brands."
"I asked her what I could do then, since honestly, I don't think it's my problem."
"She said that I needed to stop buying them those clothes and everything would be fine."
"I tried to politely tell her that I wouldn't, but she called for my MIL (mother-in-law) and asked her for her opinion."
The mother-in-law sided with the OP.
"MIL said that they had no business deciding what my daughters can wear and offered to buy some clothes from that brand for her kids."
"She started calling me a selfish brat and that I didn't know what hard work is."
"I told her that my husband and I work our a**es off every day to be able to afford this stuff and that she was being entitled."
"She just cussed me out and went to the table to continue eating."
The conversation didn't end there.
"This morning I received a message from her husband, saying that I behaved like a b***h and demanded me to apologize to his wife, as well as complying with her wishes."
"I just said no and hung up."
"Now, they are threatening to go NC (no contact) with us unless I apologize, but my ego is too big to do so."
"I decided to get an opinion from unbiased sources so, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some confirmed the sister-in-law couldn't expect everyone to downplay their income.
"NTA. Like you said, you work hard for your money and you can spend it like you wish."
"She can't honestly expect everyone in life to act like they're at her income level because she's insecure about it. Her kids will inevitably see kids with nicer things at school, that's just part of life. Her reaction was totally uncalled for."
"Do not apologize to her. Honestly going no contact sounds like a good idea." - Upstairs_Designer886
"The only thing that is your actual duty as a parent is not to raise entitled children."
"As long as your girls understand and acknowledge that they are lucky to be born in your family and they also have to give their best efforts to earn what they receive (whether it's grades, chores, a job, competition results etc.), then there's absolutely no problem."
"As you say, you've worked your a** off to ensure that they live a comfortable life for as long as you are responsible for them." - retired-penguin
"NTA. Your SIL should be doing her kids a favor and teaching them to manage their expectations."
"I grew up poor surrounded by richer kids and although I would have loved the clothes and stuff the girls at my school had, I understood that I couldn't have them because we couldn't afford it."
"Once in a blue moon, I got something expensive for my birthday, and you better believe I really appreciated it." - Far_Administration41
"Could also be that the cousins are asking and OP's kids are telling them without any malice or intentions to brag. If someone says to me, 'I love your dress, where did you get it?' I will tell them regardless of whether it was a clearance price at Costco or a custom piece specially fitted to me."
"I know some people think it's bragging to share where you got something if someone 'obviously can't afford it,' but I don't agree."
"I don't know someone's budget or the purpose they're looking to buy for, so I'm just honest about where I got something (and when, if it's an older piece that is likely not sold any longer)." - Daikon-Apart
Others questioned how bothered the SIL's kids *actually* were about the clothing brands.
"The only way you could possibly be TA is if your girls are bragging about what they have or being judgmental towards their cousins for having less than them."
"As long as this isn't the case, which it doesn't seem to be, you're in the clear and it isn't your job to manage your SIL's feelings." - Karyatids
"Tbh (to be honest), I think the other kids don't really mind. I think it's SIL who feels bad maybe for not being able to afford better clothes."
"My fam got good money but they always made me pay for luxuries and electronics. The way her kids see it is probably that they just have different rules." - throwinthebingame
"I think the only issue here is SIL's insecurity and maybe even a bit of jealousy as well. It doesn't sound like her kids even think about those things."
"She is the one with the issue of status, name brands, and thinking that because OP spends money on name brands that she is being elitist or rubbing her money in the SIL's face."
"When in fact, it is none of those things, it is SIL being insecure about her own income and has a severe case of 'Keeping Up with the Joneses-itis'."
"NTA. The woman is insecure and has no business telling anyone what to buy or not buy for their children simply because she cannot. SIL needs to learn life is unfair and get over herself." - SageGreen98
After receiving comments, the OP shared an update.
"My husband and I talked with the girls, and they both said they didn't know how their cousins felt."
"They offered to wear non-brand clothes to family gatherings so their cousins didn't feel uncomfortable. DH and I thanked them and told them that it wasn't their fault."
"DH then contacted his brother and apparently, SIL told him that our girls bullied her children, but we compared versions and realized it was a lie."
"BIL apologized twice and made SIL apologize. She was hesitant at first but did."
"I told her what my girls were going to do, and she said that it was good, but she was hoping for more."
Even though the OP was already fairly convinced that she and her daughters had done nothing wrong in how they were dressed, the subReddit was ready to confirm.
The family worked hard for what they had, and as long as the girls weren't going out of their way to bully their cousins, why would this need to be a long-lasting issue?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp