We've all known someone who called themselves "brutally honest" and expected others to accept their comments as part of "how they are."
But validating that person's personality should not invalidate someone else's hurt feelings, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor IntelligentGrocery93 really did not like their brother's wife because of the insults she frequently gave people, which she disguised as "the truth" and part of her "brutal honesty."
But when her sister-in-law's comments were directed toward their son on his birthday, the Original Poster (OP) had heard enough.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my SIL (Sister-in-Law) that she is overweight and she can deal with the truth?"
The OP's family did not have a positive relationship with their sister-in-law.
"This is about my SIL (Sister-in-Law), my brother's wife. I really dislike this woman so I am coming here to see if I should apologize."
"My brother got married a few years ago to Shelly. She is the type of person who will say something rude and then when someone points it out, she tells everyone it is true so what's the harm?"
"My mother despises her and actually opts out of most events just to avoid her."
"I moved back home about a year ago, and at the time, I thought people were just being rude to her or overblowing the things she says. I was wrong."
The OP didn't have a good relationship with her, either.
"My first proper introduction to her was when she told me my outfit looked bad on me and it wasn't hiding my stomach. Another time, I gave a present at a birthday party and she told me I was cheap (I got a bubble gun for a five-year-old, and he loved it). This goes on and on."
"I talked to my brother and he told me she is Autistic and she can't help it. I then talked to her and I told her I won't put up with her being rude."
The relationship took a hit at the OP's son's birthday party.
"We recently celebrated my son's third birthday and I invited the family (I wouldn't have invited her but I didn't want to cause waves)."
"She made a comment about my house decor, and I told her it was rude and to knock it off."
"I lost it when I gave my son a piece of cake and she made the comment that I shouldn't give him any since he looks fat."
"I told her to apologize and she told me it was the truth."
"I told her that she was overweight, that if she took care of herself more she wouldn't be fat, that this was the truth, and that she was rotten on the inside and her looks were just as bad."
"She ended up crying and leaving. My brother is p**sed and I was called some fun names. Everyone is torn if I should apologize or not."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that Autism was not an excuse to act like an AH.
"Autistic here."
"Shelley sucks. Being Autistic doesn't excuse being an AH and contrary to what the media portrays, Autistic people CAN learn social stuff, it just generally takes us longer. But non-AH Autistics generally apologize and learn when someone says they were rude, they don't use their Autism as an excuse."
"She and your brother are weaponizing her Autism. It SUCKS. Especially because it reflects so badly on other autistic people."
"Screw them. They deserved what they got, to be honest."
"NTA." - unicornhair1991
"You are 1000% NTA. Having autism is not an excuse or explanation for being an AH like your SIL is. I'm Autistic and have never intentionally insulted someone like that. I've accidentally insulted people before, but always followed up with a sincere apology after it was pointed out to me or I noticed the person was upset by what I said."
"Unknowingly saying something is far different than intentionally saying something cruel, especially to/about a child."
"People who use Autism as an excuse to be rude and nasty are a pet peeve for a lot of us because it makes people think we're all like that." - NightWolfRose
"Eh, you get grace when you say something without realizing it's rude, but if you've been called out on it multiple times, then you just don't respect people's feelings."
"Autism affects the ability to realize something is rude, but that problem is irrelevant when you've been told something is rude." - pyramidheadismydaddy
"If she had said, 'Your outfit is showing your stomach' and stopped at that, okay, it's factual and something an Autistic person would point out without assigning negative or positive value to this observation."
"But SIL goes on to say the outfit looks BAD and your kid is FAT. Those are both negative statements and don't fall into the whole I'm-autistic-and-this-is-just-me-being-blunt-and-lacking-awarness-of-social-cues-and-nuance. Nothing nuanced about calling a child FAT."
"I do think that SIL deserves some grace when it comes to her autism. Especially as typically women with autism tend to hide it better than men. So she could be struggling with a more severe case she is able to mask. But it's not Op's responsibility to cater to SIL when her words are directly impacting and damaging Op's children." - GreenUnderstanding39
"NO GRACE for the hurtful, mean comments that spew forth from her mouth. Since this behavior is a problem that she and her SO (significant other) are aware of, why are they not taking steps to change this behavior?"
"I'll tell you why: it gives SIL attention, even when it is bad." - bienie2019
"To those who have questioned why the brother would marry this woman, I want to say that Autistic people deserve love too."
"But at this point, the dude has to realize that his wife's hurtful words are alienating his immediate family members."
"There needs to be some accountability for SIL making efforts to change and/or keep the family informed about her diagnosis and level of Autism. She can get therapy and work with a specialist both alone or in a group to help train her brain and alter her behavior."
"The crying and playing victim seems ironic at hearing the same words directed back to her." - GreenUnderstanding39
"NTA. Did your son hear her comment about not giving him cake because he looks fat?? A comment like that can have a lasting effect on a child."
"My daughter, who is over 30 now, remembers a comment someone said about her looking fat when she was eight. She has never forgotten that comment."
"Having Autism should not be an excuse for being rude and hurtful! If she can't control her comments, don't let her near your kids." - eeyorex
Others agreed and reassured the OP that they should not apologize.
"When a grown woman bullies a child for no reason, you can call her whatever you want in my honest opinion. And OP's brother is a really bad uncle. NTA." - dryadduinath
"Why should you apologize when she hasn't apologized for calling a kid fat?" - Fionaelaine4
"She called a kid fat, on his birthday, when his mom is handing him a slice of his own birthday cake... The OP does not need to apologize." - theuglycantalope
"Don't apologize OP! When a grown-up adult talks smack about an innocent child like that, the gloves are off."
"OP, her attitude is atrocious and Autism does not excuse that. Your brother is a MAJOR A**HOLE for enabling her and letting her insult your child."
"NTA." - chichi98986
"Make a detailed list of the rude, inappropriate things your SIL has said to you and your family. Tell your brother that when his wife apologizes for each individual item on that list, you will be DELIGHTED to apologize for pointing out that she is overweight."
"Given that she said that in front of your son and her past history, I'm giving you a hall pass this time and going with NTA." - celticmusebooks
"NTA. Brother enables his wife's rude and disrespectful behavior. The fact that she has been kicked out speaks volumes. When she can woman up and apologize to you, then you can apologize for hurting her feelings by speaking the truth."
"Don't throw stones when you are in a glass house. I definitely wouldn't invite her to future events. She has no care for others' feelings and no one will have a care for hers." - blackwillow-99
"Most people who are proud of being 'brutally honest' are more into and interested in the 'brutal' part than the honesty part."
"Like another commenter, I'm having a hard time believing SIL is actually autistic. I'm the mom of a young autistic adult, and he does have some trouble connecting with people for sure, and says some things that from anyone else you'd think was a 'backhanded compliment' (said like a compliment, but is almost an insult) because of how blunt he can be."
"But being mean is never his intention, and if he says something that could be hurtful and is told about it, 'just being honest' is never his response. He apologizes if he made someone feel bad. And he's only 19, he is (I'm guessing) quite a bit younger than SIL."
"This woman doesn't do that - apologize for saying something hurtful. And she doesn't say things that are just lacking tact. She only seems to have this unfiltered 'honesty' when it's something mean."
"Don't apologize until she does, OP. Maybe not even then." - CallistoWrites
"I'd trade an apology for an apology."
"She either believes there's nothing wrong with telling hurtful truths, or she doesn't. If she really thinks she has nothing to apologize for, then OP doesn't, either. But if she sees how hurtful "the truth" can be, she'll recognize that she needs to apologize, just as she thinks OP should."
"This is entirely up to the SIL. Does she think feelings matter or no? If no, then OP has nothing to apologize for." - MorrowPlotting
The subReddit couldn't believe that the OP's sister-in-law was expecting an apology after how she treated the OP's son on his birthday. Autism is not an excuse for rudeness, and neither is the trait of being "brutally honest."
It sounds like the sister-in-law needed to learn how to validate other people's feelings.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp