Gaslighting is defined as “a form of psychological abuse and manipulation” where one party makes another party doubt their own “perceptions, experiences, and sanity.” Gaslighting can be one on one or involve multiple people.
The term ‘gaslighting’ comes from Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 play Gas Light (also performed under the title Angel Street). The play was adapted into film twice—a 1940 British version and the more famous 1944 American version starring Ingrid Bergman.
The plot, set in the Victorian era before electric lighting, centers around a husband attempting to steal from his wife. When he goes to the attic and turns on the lights to search for jewels he believes her mother left there, the gas powered lights in the rest of the house dim.
But he convinces his wife it’s all in her mind and that she’s going insane—and the term gaslighting entered popular language.
Experts categorize gaslighting into five types:
- lying
- coercion
- scapegoating
- reality questioning
- trivializing
Each type manipulates the victim’s perception and undermines their confidence. Both abusers and their enablers use the tactic to convince their victims that they’re overreacting and are the problem, instead of the person behaving in an unacceptable manner.
A newlywed turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after her family convinced her she was wrong to call out her cousin for his inappropriate behavior at her wedding and her aunt for trivializing it.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Better_Jellyfish_ asked:
“AITAH for going nuclear on my aunt at my own wedding after her son harassed my sister-in-law (SIL)?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So my wedding was two weeks ago and I feel like I’m living in the wreckage of a bomb I set off myself. I’m so lost and I need to know if I’m the monster my family is making me out to be.”
“I (28, female) just married the love of my life (30, male). His family is Arab Muslim, and they are, without exaggeration, the best people I have ever known.”
“I’m an only child and my own family is really ‘complicated’. And husband’s family welcomed me with open arms from day one, so for the first time, I felt like I had a real, supportive family unit.”
“I’m basically an only child.”
“My half-brother from my dad’s side is much older and he currently lives in Japan, and even though we don’t talk much, he still called me to congratulate me. As for my parents, they weren’t even supportive of my marriage until I told them I’d cut them off if they kept pushing.
“So yeah, I already knew going in that I couldn’t count on them for anything but drama.
“The wedding itself was perfect, for a while. Everyone was happy, even my parents were smiling at some point.”
“Then there’s my cousin, ‘Mark’ (35, male). My aunt begged me to invite him and honestly—and yes I regret this—I couldn’t really say no because I didn’t want any drama.
“Mark is a walking disaster. He is a womanizer, has three children with three different women he abandoned, and his own father is the one sending them money.”
“He’s just a user. But for my aunt, the sun shines out of his backside.”
“So the night is winding down when I hear a scream. Not a happy one. I turn and see my youngest sister-in-law, ‘Layla’ (19, female), backed against a wall.”
“My cousin Mark is standing in front of her, and he’s dripping wet. She’s the one who screamed, and she’s holding an empty water glass.”
“So when I rushed over, Layla was visibly trembling. My other SIL told me what happened.”
“Mark had cornered her, telling her she was ‘too pretty to be hiding under that thing’ (her hijab) and that she was ‘wasting her perfect face’. Then, the part that made me even angrier, he apparently reached out and tried to tug it off her head to ‘see her beautiful hair’.”
“Backstory: my SIL had a traumatic accident years ago, and ever since then, she’s been uncomfortable around men. Even hugging her own dad and brother took years of patience and trust.”
“So for her to be cornered at my wedding by my cousin telling her to take off her hijab, saying she was ‘too pretty’ to be covering her hair, and pushing her like that…she was literally shaking.”
“My older SIL, who is a force of nature, was already there and getting in his face. It was about to get physical.”
“My father-in-law calmly stepped between them, looked at Mark, and said quietly, but with absolute finality, ‘It is time for you to leave my son’s wedding’.”
“I thought that would be the end of it and was ready to console Layla. But then my aunt, Mark’s mother, stormed over.”
“She said, ‘You can’t kick him out! He was just joking with her! She’s being too sensitive!’ First it was ‘he was complimenting her’ then it became ‘he was just joking’.”
“Before I could even speak, my own mother pipes up, ‘I’m sorry but she’s right. This is a huge overreaction. Mark didn’t mean any harm, that’s just how he is’.”
“Seeing Layla still shaking and looking so scared, and hearing my OWN mother defend this creep who had just assaulted my new sister… a switch flipped inside me and I just snapped.”
“I looked straight at my aunt and said, ‘No, he needs to leave. Now’.”
“She started up again, ‘OP, you are not going to disrespect your family like this!’.”
“And I just let her have it. ‘My family? You don’t get to lecture me about family, this is actually why your own is broken. This blind worship of your useless, good-for-nothing son is the reason you have one child who ruins every event he attends, and another who hasn’t spoken to you in five years. And you dare wonder why your own daughter went no-contact? It’s because of THIS. Because you will always choose him over the people he hurts. So yes, he is leaving and you can leave with him if you want’.”
“The entire area went dead silent. Then my aunt started crying and stormed out with my cousin and my parents trailing behind after they gave me one of their classic ‘you are a disappointment’ looks.”
“My phone has been a nightmare since. Texts from my parents calling me cruel, vicious, and saying I used a family tragedy (my other cousin leaving) as a weapon. Telling me about how my aunt has just been sending them messages about how I broke her heart.”
“My husband had been supportive, he kept telling me I was just defending Layla and that my family showed their true colors. But I can’t get rid of these moments of guilt.”
“Mark was 100% in the wrong. I’ve already cut him off, I don’t want him anywhere near me or my husband’s family again.”
“But the part I keep thinking about is what I said to my aunt. I don’t regret defending my SIL (she was scared out of her mind, and I will always pick her over him), but maybe I went too far bringing up her daughter leaving.”
“I know that’s a sore spot and I basically twisted the knife. I feel like I dropped a nuke to win a fistfight and now my entire family is radioactive.”
“I’ve been tying myself in knots for days trying to figure out what to say to them, or if I should say anything at all.”
“My first instinct was to write like a long, drawn-out message. You know, that kind where I try to apologize for the timing and my specific wording, but then follow it up with a strongly-worded ‘but I will never apologize for defending Layla’.”
“I wanted to play peacemaker and warrior at the same time, and it’s just making my head spin.”
“AITAH?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong (NTA).
“NTA—it sounds like you said something that was way overdue and honestly, your family got off easy. Your cousin physically assaulted your SIL.”
“Don’t look back. You did the right thing.” ~ MonkeyPolice
“You have a new, truly loving family now. Your old family made their choice. Leave them in the dirt where they belong.” ~ redditor-addict
“It’s clear who truly supports you and focusing on that is what matters.” ~ offbeat529
“Your aunt probably insisted he come because she thought he’d ‘meet a nice girl’. She is as big a monster as he is because she enables and excuses his actions.”
“Your parents sound like they do not have your back in any way. I hope you can cut them off before you (if you) decide to have children.”
“You did GREAT. You protected someone who really needed to be protected and I assure you if you had not, worse would have happened, though that was pretty bad. Congrats on marrying into a family that deserves you.” ~ ambigua
“You spoke the truth, you defended an innocent woman. Absolutely nothing about that should make you feel bad, regardless of who you defended them against.”
“Grief over a dead or dying relationship is perfectly normal, and the closer that relationship, the harsher the grief will be. What you are describing, however, is not grief. It’s guilt.”
“The fact that this is tearing you up needs to be looked at and is cause for introspection. I have a feeling you will find a lifetime of gaslighting, marganilizing, and guilt trips at the hands of your family that likely only therapy will help you pick through, digest, and accept as truth.”
“NTA. Surround yourself with those that support you, that show through both action and word that they have your best interest at heart.” ~ fireballmatt
The OP provided an update:
“So, I’m trying to write this without getting emotional, but I’m failing. I’ve just been sitting here with tears in my eyes watching this post blow up.”
“It might sound small, but seeing this level of support, even from strangers on the internet, has genuinely helped me see this whole situation with so much more clarity. Thank you. I’m not even exaggerating when I say thank you from the bottom of my heart, y’all are wonderful.”
“I know it’s obvious I’m not the jerk for defending Layla. She deserves the world, and I would do it again in a heartbeat, no regrets. I just wanted to ask for advice because when you grow up in a certain way, it’s hard to trust your own judgment.”
“My parents are masters of making you feel like you’re the crazy one. Their family motto might as well have been, ‘If we think it’s good, then it is. If we think it’s bad, then it is’. The lines between right and wrong were always blurred for me, and unlearning that has been a lifelong project.”
“Meeting my now-husband was the turning point. He’s so kind, respectful, and supportive, and he showed me what a healthy family dynamic actually looks like. And I really can’t wait for a future full of him and our shared happiness!”
“Now for the important part: Layla is doing better. I called her a few hours after the post, and she immediately started apologizing and saying she felt bad for ‘ruining’ the night. I immediately shut that down and told her that what happened was 100% Mark’s fault. His behavior was awful, and she did nothing wrong.”
“I actually apologized to her for him even being there and for him putting her through that at my wedding. We talked for a while, and she told me she’s been seeing a therapist for a while now to work through her trauma, which I think is just incredible of her. Honestly she’s so strong and amazing.”
“While I got some truly vile DMs, the overwhelming majority have been incredible. I want to especially thank the Hijabi and Arab women who messaged me. Hearing your stories, and how you felt for Layla and understood her experience, just made me tear up.”
“It’s painful, but the support I saw gave me so much hope for a world where girls everywhere can just exist without being harassed. It’s a beautiful contrast to the one guy who DMed me to ‘save’ me and Layla from my supposedly oppressive in-laws because according to the natural law ‘Muslims just get more conservative after marriage’.”
“His message was just a sad reminder that some people will use any tragedy, like the suffering of women in Iran, to fuel their own racism while pretending to be a hero.”
“Just to be clear: I’ve known my husband for eight years. I’ve traveled to his home country with him multiple times and met his huge extended family. Some of his female cousins wear the hijab, some don’t. They are all devout, happy, and would have a good laugh at the idea that they’re being secretly tortured by evil Muslim men.”
“I absolutely hate it when people weaponize the very real and horrific struggle of others to push their own bigoted worldview. Please don’t make assumptions or project weird racist fantasies onto my family and my sister’s lived experience.”
“And that brings me to one last thing I really want to make clear. I’ve been on this earth for 28 years and I’ve met every kind of person imaginable. Bad people are just bad, and good people are good. It has nothing to do with their faith, their race, or where they come from.”
“I would hate for my post to become a platform for any kind of bigotry. The focus here is on my parents/aunt enabling a harasser, and a young woman’s trauma being dismissed. Not on inventing weird scenarios about a family I see, love, and laugh with regularly.”
“As for my parents, I took your advice. I sent a final (very short) message and blocked them. The only response was a predictable email from my dad saying he’d be ‘ready to listen’ when I was ‘ready to apologize. Yeah, he’ll be waiting a long time.”
“Thank you all again. You’ve given me a sense of peace and validation I didn’t even know I was looking for. I really, really appreciate it.”
OP is seeing things more clearly for what they are.
She spoke a truth that her family doesn’t want to hear in the wake of them defending an assault by a 35-year-old man on a 19-year-old girl.
While it’s painful to know her blood family chooses to support and enable an abusive man even on her wedding day, she has a new family that values her.