As much as we hate to admit it, some of us will experience regular rifts in our families, particularly when we’ve transformed something about ourselves.
It’s especially hard when one of our family members takes that transformation as an insult, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Brilliant-Map2492 struggled with his relationship with his sister-in-law before and after losing weight, but when he began dating an athletic woman, the real problems set in.
When the family reacted to his outburst against his sister-in-law, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he should have stayed quiet.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my sister-in-law (SIL) that my brother has low standards?”
The OP had a strained relationship with his sister-in-law.
“I (26 [Male]) was the fat child/teen growing up. At 20 years old, 6’1″, and almost 300 pounds, I decided to make a change and I don’t regret it.”
“My sister-in-law (SIL) (32 [Female]) used to make fun of my weight when she was still dating my brother (30 [Male]), saying that ‘I could kill someone if I sat on them.'”
Things changed when the OP lost weight.
“Once I had dropped a lot of weight, many friends and family started introducing me to women my age when I was home from college.”
“My SIL has put on weight as the years go by, and after having my niece three years ago, she became obese.”
“She has tried to pair me up with several of her younger friends and cousins who are also overweight/obese.”
“I have never once have asked her or anyone to help me with my dating life. I haven’t mentioned nor mocked her weight gain either.”
“I don’t want to date someone that overweight because I remember how hard it is.”
“My brother does have an issue with her weight but doesn’t tell her because he doesn’t want to cause mayhem.”
The OP’s girlfriend had trouble with the sister-in-law, too.
“Early this year I met Sarah (24 [Female]) and hit it off.”
“She’s into lifting, sports, and hiking. We do these things together.”
“SIL has repeatedly mocked how much my girlfriend eats and said she’s doing all of that to attract men.”
“Sarah feels uncomfortable around her, so she doesn’t want to come to family gatherings anymore.”
The OP and his sister-in-law argued at a recent lunch.
“Today at brunch, SIL realized Sarah did n’t come and she joked, saying, ‘Did she finally gain a pound and you dropped her?'”
“I said, ‘No, she had plans, and I wouldn’t leave her if she gained a pound.'”
“She said, ‘Well, we all know you’re fat-phobic and wouldn’t date a fat woman. No one was good enough for you until Sticks-and-Bones showed up.'”
“At this point, I got angry and asked her not to disrespect me and my girlfriend, and got my things to leave.”
“Before I left, I heard her saying to my mother and my sister that she didn’t know where my mom had gone wrong with me, because my brother is such a good man and not vain and immature like I am.”
The OP insulted his sister-in-law.
“I broke. I told her I was done putting up with her bulls**t and that my brother’s low standards don’t make him ‘mature.'”
“She started yelling insults so I left.”
“My mother is angry at me and has asked me to apologize.”
“I know I shouldn’t have gone down to her level, but after years of politely asking her to chill, I’m done.”
“So Reddit, AITA here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP was right to stand up for himself and his girlfriend.
“NTA. in hindsight you may not have handled this well, but, in the moment, you can only take so much before you break, You’ve said you’ve asked her politely to stop for years, and that hasn’t worked, so the only thing left is to be as rude to her as she has been to you.”
“Honestly, it sounds like your SIL just plain dislikes you and is taking any opportunity to insult you she can, and shame on the rest of your family (and especially your brother) for not shutting this down.”
“You need to tell your mother that she (and your brother) needs to apologize to you and your GF for not shutting the insults down at these gathering before you even think of apologizing to anyone.”
“BTW: as someone else who has lost a large amount of weight, I know how hard that is, so congratulations!” – bamf1701
“NTA. However, your SIL is TA. Why have you allowed these comments? And for your family to allow it makes them just as bad.”
“She’s an insecure bully. Set your boundaries and if she continues to act this way, stay away and let your family know why.” – MD7001
“NTA. I fully expected you to say you went a lot harder on her than this, because I would have. I don’t really understand her angle, but she definitely needs to shut up talking about people’s weights if she can’t even handle her own.” – marleezy123
“Nope. NTA. You can only take so much.”
“I’m a newer healthy person as well and the s**t I get all of the time is ridiculous. I think people needed to see us as the fat friend or sibling.”
“Good for you for standing up for yourself and your girlfriend.” – Thia-M3762
Others took issue with how the OP involved his brother in his insult.
“ESH – you insulted your brother who did nothing in this situation to get back to her. Had you told your SIL that she act out of jealousy because she became obese, (or something along this lines) would have been better.” – latflickr
“Your brother doesn’t have low standards because his wife has gained weight after having a child, your brother has low standards because he has allowed his wife to be horrible to you from all of the time you’ve known her, not to mention to your new girlfriend.”
“ESH, but you shouldn’t apologize” – Shoucutemom
Some also thought it was wrong to feed into the sister-in-law’s insecurities in that way.
“While you weren’t unjustified in your statements at all, I’m gonna say ESH.”
“SIL should be reminded of her ‘fat-shaming’ in her younger years. Honestly, if you had told her, ‘at least GF won’t kill someone if she sat on them,’ I’d have gone N T A.”
“But instead, you criticized your brother’s standards. Marriages are bloody complicated, his ‘standards’ are likely irrelevant to the situation.” – Coffeineaddicted
“NTA”
“The SIL is pushing all her insecurities onto you and your GF. You need to get some boundaries laid down ASAP.”
“You should directly tell your family that the complete disrespect by SIL will no longer be tolerated, apologize for your comment, and then make it clear you will no longer associate with SIL until she apologizes to you and GF, and she needs to go to therapy otherwise her behavior will not change.”
“Lay down your law and make it clear to your family you will not be disrespected like this from any family.”
“Good luck! I believe in you!” – Quantum_Blue_
While the OP didn’t think he had done anything wrong and had no interest in apologizing, the sub wasn’t totally convinced. Some agreed with the OP for standing up for himself and his girlfriend against unnecessary comments.
But others were concerned about what the OP meant by “low standards” and what negativity his comments might be rooted in.