Content Warning: Mentions of Child Neglect and the 'Cry It Out' Method
How a person chooses to parent is an endlessly individual decision, and there are countless ways to handle raising a child, comforting them, and disciplining them.
But when a person visits someone else's house or offers babysitting services, they should respect the parents' parenting style, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor RaisinNo2082 had two young children of her own and believed in comforting her children when they needed it, including meeting their emotional needs.
Because her sister-in-law believed that babies were "mindless" and that their cries meant nothing, the Original Poster (OP) was completely against giving her sister-in-law a chance to ignore her children's needs by babysitting them.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for refusing to let my sister-in-law (SIL) babysit my baby and being unwilling to hear her out?"
The OP's mother-in-law (MIL) had agreed to babysit for her while she went to an event.
"My husband and I had to be somewhere for our older child so we asked my MIL if she could watch our three-month-old son for a few hours."
"She said of course. Unfortunately, when we went to drop him off, she wasn't home, and one of my husband's sisters Jane (21) was there instead."
"Apparently, my MIL wasn't going to be home for a bit so she (Jane) agreed to watch our son for some time without either of them informing of us of the change in plans."
The OP was not comfortable with Jane taking over her MIL's babysitting duties.
"I immediately said no because Jane believes that babies don't feel anything. She thinks that they cry for no reason and we shouldn't respond to their cries ever for whatever reason. And that not responding won't have any effect on them."
"She thinks that anything we do to babies during this period of their lives will have absolutely zero effect on them in the future. She will often call them 'mindless,' too."
"My husband called his mom, and we politely explained our concerns and then hung up because we were extremely busy already (and now we had to find another babysitter, as well)."
Jane did not take the rejection well.
"I figured that was it until Jane came over, extremely upset and in tears, insisting that she's not a bad person and that she would never do anything to hurt any kid."
"She then accused me of 'discriminating' against her because she doesn't want/have kids like everyone else in the family."
"I told her straight up that I don't give a crap if she wants kids of her own, but I don't like her thoughts on how to care for babies specifically."
"Instead of trying to understand me, she doubled down and said that her way of dealing with babies makes sense and that I'm wrong and I'm just extremely sensitive in nature, so of course I don't get it."
"She kept arguing with me about how to take care of my baby so I just asked her to leave, and she blew up on me."
"My husband even told her to calm down and that it's not like we're preventing her from seeing our kids all together."
"She just went, 'F**k you and your dumb-a** kids,' and left. Which…okay?"
The OP was surprised when her MIL lashed out at her for excluding Jane.
"My MIL is really annoyed with me because Jane is still very upset and I'm just wondering if I'm the AH?"
"Like, I don't think I am, especially since no one lets her babysit for the same reasons, but I'm the first person to actually say no to her face and tell her why instead of making up an excuse… and perhaps I was too harsh."
"To be fair, she is the baby of the family, and she's very sweet otherwise. Everyone thinks telling her upfront is harsh and on another note, my other sisters-in-law found a whole website blog thing dedicated to parents who have similar beliefs as Jane, so I don't think everyone necessarily thinks her beliefs are harmful…"
"This all started when she read a few tweets about the whole 'babies don't feel anything until a certain age' thing, I think, and she was somehow convinced by that."
"My husband sent her some actual articles about babies and their feelings a while back after they got into an argument, but she never read them as far as I know."
"And the most unfortunate part is that my eldest loves Jane, but he's also a bit too young to be around Jane. I can't trust her anymore and neither can my husband."
"Ugh, and my MIL is usually so reasonable, too! I think she misjudged things and possibly felt bad since Jane offered to babysit for the whole family (she needed some quick money), but everyone more or less rejected her help. I was the only one to tell her why."
"But I personally do believe her beliefs are harmful, and yeah, I am very sensitive, and I would sometimes also cry when my first child would cry, but this is how I am raising my children, and that's that."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out how different the situation would be if Jane agreed to parent the OP's way.
"NTA at all."
"You have told her why, and she disagrees with how you are raising your child, so she can not be alone with them. End of story."
"It would be different if she understood where you are coming from and agreed that she would, of course, do things your way, and then freaking out that you didn't trust her."
"She could be mad then. You would still be justified in the no, because you know how she feels, and alone… with no one watching, she would test her theory."
"You should also say this to your MIL: 'I have a living being who cries to indicate that something is wrong. This is the only way they communicate they are unhappy or uncomfortable. Your daughter thinks this is not true and that their cries mean nothing. They should not be cared for when they are crying.'"
"'The thought of my baby, in distress and being alone in that is not okay with me or your son. I am not being unreasonable. Her way of thinking is not only NOT the universal consensus, but completely not what I want in my child's world.'"
"'I am a little shocked that you would defend her having a temper tantrum about this situation instead of telling her that OF COURSE we would not leave our child with anyone who could care less that they are crying and thinks they have no feelings. That is ridiculous. I need you on the baby's side, not on the one acting like a baby because she's wrong and doesn't like that she's wrong.'"
"'I also find it interesting that you are upset when your adult child who is fully able to take care of herself gets upset. Imagine how I feel about my three-month-old helpless infant being the hands of someone who wouldn't respond if they were upset and couldn't fend for themselves.'"
"Then let them be mad. This is truly ridiculous. For others to be involved and not be backing you up 100% is astonishing." - OhmsWay-71
"OP should be extremely glad that SIL is so confident in her opinion that she's telling everyone what an awful caregiver will be and ensuring no children are left in her care." - squishpitcher
"You and your husband choose who watches your baby, end of story."
"Your responsibility is to your baby and their safety, not to a grown-a** adult's feelings. You're doing the right thing and your SIL's reaction to your boundaries is VERY TELLING." - heartburn-on-fiyah
"NTA. You asked your mother-in-law to watch your baby for a few hours, not your sister-in-law."
"If your mother-in-law told you upfront her plans had changed, you could have made other plans without even 'harshly' confronting your sister-in-law."
"No one is going to leave their baby with a sitter whose judgment they do not trust. This whole situation may have been avoided with one quick phone call from your mother-in-law. If she's upset, it's on her, because she failed to communicate with you, not the other way around."
"Thanks but no thanks. No one is taking parenting advice from a childless 21-year-old who has the common sense of a doorknob." - Peony-Pony
"OP, you are under-reacting."
"She lied about her availability bc SHE decided it's ok to leave YOUR child with someone else, based only on HER judgment and PURPOSEFULLY not telling you because she wanted to manipulate events to go the way SHE HAS DECIDED IS BEST."
"She tried to force you into leaving your child with a person who has never had children, doesn't want children, espouses a childcare model that IS NOT YOURS, founded on zero life experience, and could harm your baby."
"Then instead of owning her series of miscalculated and erroneous choices, she doubles down supporting SIL, who is 21 and doesn't know S**T, and tried to make you feel bad for misjudging SIL AND DEFENDED, and gathered flying monkeys, other SIL, to argue the points AND tell YOU, you are WRONG in your parenting choices."
"Honestly, for the short-term term, I would go no contact with all of them. Spend your holidays home cuddling with your kiddos with people who actually support you, love you, and believe truth is more important than saving face."
"Tell them now you will revisit the status in January. Any attempts to change your choices will add another month to your no-contact relationship."
"Then, the only acceptable outcome in January is for all three of them to apologize for disrespecting you as parents and that they will 1000% do as you have told them to when it comes to your kids (they are welcome to object, and their objection shows they still don't understand how to actually respect you) PERIOD."
"They have to own their part of the problem."
"Your mother-in-law has to understand that it's not okay to have anyone else watch the kids if I have agreed to watch them. No other people will visit or 'spell' them w/o notification and approval by you. (There can be no half-measures, if she can't say/agree to this, fine, that's her choice. Your choice is that person isn't safe for your child)."
"All three of them have to understand you can hold whatever beliefs you want. You CANNOT APPLY THEM TO MY CHILDREN. You are in charge of you and your minor children. We will respect your choices. If you want a relationship with our children, you must respect our choices for our family, our children. You are again welcome to your own beliefs/choices but if you apply them to my children you will not have a relationship with my children."
"If you do it now in one fell swoop, and your dear husband either wholeheartedly agrees or agrees to let you manage as you see fit until January, going big and broad will serve you well."
"Be a b***h. Be unpopular. Don't respond to flying monkeys or 'I'm not sure why you think you can come at us like this about private matters with MIL/SIL. Would you want us to come to you about gossip and private things you've shared with MIL/SIL?'"
"BE STRONG. It will serve you... and your children... well." - No_Appointment_7232
Others were appalled that there were people out there who believed a baby's cries meant nothing.
"They themselves even don't know why they are crying in this era; babies just feel something is just off. So every time you answer their cries and solve the problem (hunger, dirty diaper, the need of a touch or a hug), you start showing them that when something is wrong, they can call out for you and you'll be there."
"Thinking they don't feel anything or are too young to learn is bulls**t. My daughter figured out the bottle was way easier than being breastfed because while sucking for milk, she had to put effort, too, when she was only FIVE F**KING DAYS OLD. To reverse it was so hard."
"They learn. They know if their needs are met. They trust people who meet their needs. Naturally."
"Letting Jane babysit could ruin your child's trust in you and other people, not to mention possibly cause her to get hurt, even in some reversible way like diaper rash from an ignored, wet diaper." - hugeeyez
"I hope the SIL never has any children of her own. I would fear for their overall safety, because of SIL's negligence."
"Also, I wonder if SIL has a theory on just when (at what age) DO kids START having feelings? She sounds loony." - MissKitty919
"This is not even my baby, and this post makes my skin crawl. I can't begin to understand the SIL's thought process. There's just something not right there. OP, protect your child. NTA." - TaterMA
"This ties into the 'cry it out method' that a certain kind of people advocate for. 'If your baby is crying and they've been fed, burped, diaper changed, then leave them in their bed and let them cry it out so they learn to self-soothe.'"
"But those babies don't learn to self-soothe; they learn that crying won't get any help from the people they depend on so learn to not bother crying."
"It's not self-soothing; it's giving up because they learn early not to count on anyone."
"What's even worse with the SIL is she doesn't even seem to think that crying can be a cue for hunger, a soiled nappy, or any other kind of physical discomfort."
"It's genuinely quite terrifying, and that kind of negligence isn't just a matter of perspective, it has been proven over and over again to be incredibly damaging."
"My husband has suffered from serious mental health issues for most of his life and, while there are some very clear points of trauma, the general consensus is that his biological mother had PPD, and part of that led to him not being held enough as a baby. He's 50 and still affected by that, and he always will be, because therapy can only go so far when damage is done so young." - NaomiT29
"I've heard different levels of this 'they're too young' and 'not all cries mean anything' bulls**t."
"What I always wonder is... why these people don't consider that if I practice ignoring my baby's needs or say, using foul language or talking trash about my partner in front of my little one 'because they don't understand'… at what point to I, the adult, break that habit and change my behaviors?"
"On their third birthday, do I begin to act differently towards them and in front of them?"
"No. The same thing with treating girls differently than boys, etc... when does it stop? It doesn't. The idea that it's okay because of their age and thus will change when they grow older is just a denial of reality."
"OP, you are right to take your SIL at her word and believe her. You were kind enough to be honest to her face and talk it through. She stuck to her beliefs so you as the momma can make the call that your baby's beliefs are not aligned and you must choose another babysitter. Nothing personal."
"This is not the call of your MIL or something that we have to do so we don't hurt anyone's feelings. You are right to prioritize your baby and your way of parenting." - curiosa_furiosa
The subReddit applauded the OP for acting quickly and finding a safe babysitting alternative for her baby instead of allowing herself to be talked into letting her sister-in-law, who she was uncomfortable with, babysit.
It's okay to hold different parenting beliefs from someone else, but the moment you agree to babysit their children, you have to temporarily adopt their parenting beliefs to care for their child, not insist on impressing them with your own feelings.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp