Blended families—when each partner enters the marriage with children like The Brady Bunch—can run the gamut from a smooth transition to utter disaster.
It can be both easier and harder if the children know each other before their parents' relationship begins.
Easier if the children get along. Harder if there's existing animosity.
A woman whose sister's impending marriage is causing issues turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Parking_Ocelot_902 asked:
"AITA for my refusal to attend my sister's wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Older sister (41, female) is getting married to her partner of 3-ish years in a month. Older sister and her partner both have children."
"My sister has a 14-year-old boy and 10-year-old girl. Her partner has a 14-year-old girl, 13-year-old boy and 11-year-old girl. The relationship is controversial."
"My nephew (14) has been having trouble with the 14-year-old girl since the third grade and this actually escalated when they were doing virtual classrooms. She would write a lot of insults about my nephew and used the voice feature to target my nephew."
"But still my sister and her partner started a romantic relationship and even moved in together. My nephew expressed a lot of unhappiness about this."
"So did his grandparents—bio father's parents, he's not involved, but they were always very generous in helping my sister with my nephew. My sister stopped all contact with the paternal grandparents as a result of them speaking up."
"When my sister and her partner got engaged, my nephew didn't take it well. There was a public scene where he told everyone present that she was marrying his bully's dad and didn't give a sh*t about him."
"My sister was furious. Nephew was devastated that his mom was marrying her partner even knowing how he'd feel."
"My sister didn't want to hear from anyone, including me, that it was a bad idea and she risked losing her son. She told me he didn't get to dictate her life and they'd deal with the bullying, but he was being unreasonable about everything."
"I told her my nephew deserved space away from the girl and she told me he can't pick his family and siblings fight sometimes."
"Two months ago, my nephew ran away. He was gone for 2.5 weeks and we were searching everywhere."
"He'd wanted to go to his grandparents, but worried they'd get into trouble. CPS intervened when he was found and my nephew was removed from my sister's home and was given a placement with his grandparents, which was his first choice."
"I talked to him since then, and he said he was glad he was removed. He said he had been prepared to keep running away and he told the social worker that and more."
"We're in touch frequently and I get to visit him. My sister could visit, but my nephew doesn't want to see her."
"But she's proceeding with everything like normal. We fought over her picking the relationship over nephew. She told me I'll never understand."
"My wedding invite came in the middle of all this, and I RSVP'd no. I made it clear I would not attend this wedding after everything that's happened."
"My sister and parents told me I should put aside the family troubles and attend or risk the relationship forever. I told them I stand by my nephew over my sister."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I refuse to attend my sister's wedding. Despite all the bad going on and the fact she has lost custody of her oldest and only son, she is my sister, and things could end up working out in the future."
"My refusal has the potential to cause more trouble. It's also something that clearly bothers my sister and parents, and I didn't give in even after finding this out."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA: Good on you for standing your ground. I'm not sure why she'd want you there either with how easily she cuts off people for disagreeing with her decisions."
"Your sister will probably just live however she wants, unfortunately. Just continue to be a good support system for your nephew—the relationship between him and your sister will be a consequence of her own actions and it's on her to own up to it." ~ TonightDouble7539
"She wants them there for appearances. After all, what would people say if they didn't look like one big happy family? Not really sure how she sees that working if her son isn't there, but… NTA." ~ WipeGuitarBranded
"Her son missing from the event can be chalked up by her as a**hole teenager being an a**hole. Her son and OP missing? People are going to talk and connect the dots."
"NTA, and...wow. My parents would have boycotted the wedding, too, not tried to get OP to play happy family." ~ FriesWithShakeBooty
"Exactly. Can't have everybody at the wedding realize what a crap mother the bride is, now can we? Two generations of crap parents present here: sister and OP's parents." ~ Revo63
"And it's going to come out eventually about what's happening with her and her son. It'll come out."
"And when it does, it'll make her look even worse than her son not attending the 'bLeSsEd wEdDiNg'. I don't think we've heard the last of this from OP. NTA." ~ titaniac79
"NTA. 'My sister and parents told me I should put aside the family troubles and attend or risk the relationship forever. I told them I stand by my nephew over my sister'. Total kudos to you. She lost her own kid over letting him get bullied." ~ Apart-Ad-6518
"Sounds like a relationship I'd be happy to lose. I can't believe the sister actively started dating the parent of her son's bully."
"She's delusional if she doesn't see this is entirely her fault. Good on OP, nephew will have family around him that actually will protect him.
"And I bet the younger daughter will resent her mother for this too. NTA." ~ Fianna9
"Without the brother around, bully will likely turn her attention to the younger sister. In turn, this will teach the other stepsiblings to pick on her, too."
"Especially once they realize that OP's sister won't do anything to protect her own kids. If they can push stepsiblings out, they get dad and stepmom all to thenselves." ~ Pandora1685
"Yup. Even if the bully doesn't go after her, daughter will see how mom drove away her big brother for the 'new family' and probably will always be insecure. NTA." ~ Fianna9
"I'm wondering if that is how they met. Like during a meeting between the parents at the school concerning the bullying. That would be even more messed up." ~ Longjumping-Pick-706
"NTA. Dating the bully's parent is a bit concerning, but is not necessarily a red flag on it's own. The parent themselves might be actively trying to stop their child's bullying behavior also. A couple could also date for years while still keeping their kids separated."
"The real concern here is that they're trying to blend the families without having dealt with the bullying first. OPs sister said 'we'll deal with the bullying'. Implying they haven't made a serious effort to do so yet."
"Plus, she's downplaying the bullying by equating it to siblings fighting. Even between bio siblings, there is a difference between sibling squables and bullying."
"To say nothing of the fact that while siblings do fight, parents shouldn't just dismiss it as 'something siblings do'. It should still be addressed to deal with root causes and teach better conflict resolution methods."
"The sister's attitude suggests that the bullying was never really going to get addressed. That her son was going to end up catching the blame for not just playing punching bag for his stepsister."
"Maybe she is delusional, but she also appears to be willfully ignoring how bad the bullying itself was. Easy to delude yourself on whose fault it is that the situation got to where it is when you started by deluding yourself on what the situation itself was in the first place." ~ hard_tyrant_dinosaur
"Making a blended family unit can be difficult at best under normal circumstances. Any parent who disregarded prior bad history like OP's sister has is just asking for trouble."
"And marrying your kid's bully's parent? Almost a guaranteed recipe to ensure peace will never come to that household again."
"OP's nephew choosing to run away to his grandparents is the best solution because there is absolutely no chance he would ever listen or respect either of the adults at home." ~ ArmadsDranzer
"NTA. Your sister is right that you'll never understand, and that's a good thing. I wouldn't want to understand your sister's reasoning either.
"Very smart kid to understand his paternal grandparents would get in trouble if he'd run there, pretty sure he wouldn't end up in their custody if he went there, but now CPS could send him there as a 3rd party."
"Good choice of him to do what he did, keep supporting him." ~ DRTvL
Anytime you have to choose between people you care about is difficult. But choosing the health and welfare of the child with limited options over the adult in control of the situation is usually the right choice.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.