Blended families—when each partner enters the marriage with children like The Brady Bunch—can run the gamut from a smooth transition to utter disaster.
It can be both easier and harder if the children know each other before their parents' relationship begins.
Easier if the children get along. Harder if there's existing animosity.
A woman whose sister's impending marriage is causing issues turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Parking_Ocelot_902 asked:
"AITA for my refusal to attend my sister's wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Older sister (41, female) is getting married to her partner of 3-ish years in a month. Older sister and her partner both have children."
"My sister has a 14-year-old boy and 10-year-old girl. Her partner has a 14-year-old girl, 13-year-old boy and 11-year-old girl. The relationship is controversial."
"My nephew (14) has been having trouble with the 14-year-old girl since the third grade and this actually escalated when they were doing virtual classrooms. She would write a lot of insults about my nephew and used the voice feature to target my nephew."
"But still my sister and her partner started a romantic relationship and even moved in together. My nephew expressed a lot of unhappiness about this."
"So did his grandparents—bio father's parents, he's not involved, but they were always very generous in helping my sister with my nephew. My sister stopped all contact with the paternal grandparents as a result of them speaking up."
"When my sister and her partner got engaged, my nephew didn't take it well. There was a public scene where he told everyone present that she was marrying his bully's dad and didn't give a sh*t about him."
"My sister was furious. Nephew was devastated that his mom was marrying her partner even knowing how he'd feel."
"My sister didn't want to hear from anyone, including me, that it was a bad idea and she risked losing her son. She told me he didn't get to dictate her life and they'd deal with the bullying, but he was being unreasonable about everything."
"I told her my nephew deserved space away from the girl and she told me he can't pick his family and siblings fight sometimes."
"Two months ago, my nephew ran away. He was gone for 2.5 weeks and we were searching everywhere."
"He'd wanted to go to his grandparents, but worried they'd get into trouble. CPS intervened when he was found and my nephew was removed from my sister's home and was given a placement with his grandparents, which was his first choice."
"I talked to him since then, and he said he was glad he was removed. He said he had been prepared to keep running away and he told the social worker that and more."
"We're in touch frequently and I get to visit him. My sister could visit, but my nephew doesn't want to see her."
"But she's proceeding with everything like normal. We fought over her picking the relationship over nephew. She told me I'll never understand."
"My wedding invite came in the middle of all this, and I RSVP'd no. I made it clear I would not attend this wedding after everything that's happened."
"My sister and parents told me I should put aside the family troubles and attend or risk the relationship forever. I told them I stand by my nephew over my sister."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I refuse to attend my sister's wedding. Despite all the bad going on and the fact she has lost custody of her oldest and only son, she is my sister, and things could end up working out in the future."
"My refusal has the potential to cause more trouble. It's also something that clearly bothers my sister and parents, and I didn't give in even after finding this out."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA: Good on you for standing your ground. I'm not sure why she'd want you there either with how easily she cuts off people for disagreeing with her decisions."
"Your sister will probably just live however she wants, unfortunately. Just continue to be a good support system for your nephew—the relationship between him and your sister will be a consequence of her own actions and it's on her to own up to it." ~ TonightDouble7539
"She wants them there for appearances. After all, what would people say if they didn't look like one big happy family? Not really sure how she sees that working if her son isn't there, but… NTA." ~ WipeGuitarBranded
"Her son missing from the event can be chalked up by her as a**hole teenager being an a**hole. Her son and OP missing? People are going to talk and connect the dots."
"NTA, and...wow. My parents would have boycotted the wedding, too, not tried to get OP to play happy family." ~ FriesWithShakeBooty
"Exactly. Can't have everybody at the wedding realize what a crap mother the bride is, now can we? Two generations of crap parents present here: sister and OP's parents." ~ Revo63
"And it's going to come out eventually about what's happening with her and her son. It'll come out."
"And when it does, it'll make her look even worse than her son not attending the 'bLeSsEd wEdDiNg'. I don't think we've heard the last of this from OP. NTA." ~ titaniac79
"NTA. 'My sister and parents told me I should put aside the family troubles and attend or risk the relationship forever. I told them I stand by my nephew over my sister'. Total kudos to you. She lost her own kid over letting him get bullied." ~ Apart-Ad-6518
"Sounds like a relationship I'd be happy to lose. I can't believe the sister actively started dating the parent of her son's bully."
"She's delusional if she doesn't see this is entirely her fault. Good on OP, nephew will have family around him that actually will protect him.
"And I bet the younger daughter will resent her mother for this too. NTA." ~ Fianna9
"Without the brother around, bully will likely turn her attention to the younger sister. In turn, this will teach the other stepsiblings to pick on her, too."
"Especially once they realize that OP's sister won't do anything to protect her own kids. If they can push stepsiblings out, they get dad and stepmom all to thenselves." ~ Pandora1685
"Yup. Even if the bully doesn't go after her, daughter will see how mom drove away her big brother for the 'new family' and probably will always be insecure. NTA." ~ Fianna9
"I'm wondering if that is how they met. Like during a meeting between the parents at the school concerning the bullying. That would be even more messed up." ~ Longjumping-Pick-706
"NTA. Dating the bully's parent is a bit concerning, but is not necessarily a red flag on it's own. The parent themselves might be actively trying to stop their child's bullying behavior also. A couple could also date for years while still keeping their kids separated."
"The real concern here is that they're trying to blend the families without having dealt with the bullying first. OPs sister said 'we'll deal with the bullying'. Implying they haven't made a serious effort to do so yet."
"Plus, she's downplaying the bullying by equating it to siblings fighting. Even between bio siblings, there is a difference between sibling squables and bullying."
"To say nothing of the fact that while siblings do fight, parents shouldn't just dismiss it as 'something siblings do'. It should still be addressed to deal with root causes and teach better conflict resolution methods."
"The sister's attitude suggests that the bullying was never really going to get addressed. That her son was going to end up catching the blame for not just playing punching bag for his stepsister."
"Maybe she is delusional, but she also appears to be willfully ignoring how bad the bullying itself was. Easy to delude yourself on whose fault it is that the situation got to where it is when you started by deluding yourself on what the situation itself was in the first place." ~ hard_tyrant_dinosaur
"Making a blended family unit can be difficult at best under normal circumstances. Any parent who disregarded prior bad history like OP's sister has is just asking for trouble."
"And marrying your kid's bully's parent? Almost a guaranteed recipe to ensure peace will never come to that household again."
"OP's nephew choosing to run away to his grandparents is the best solution because there is absolutely no chance he would ever listen or respect either of the adults at home." ~ ArmadsDranzer
"NTA. Your sister is right that you'll never understand, and that's a good thing. I wouldn't want to understand your sister's reasoning either.
"Very smart kid to understand his paternal grandparents would get in trouble if he'd run there, pretty sure he wouldn't end up in their custody if he went there, but now CPS could send him there as a 3rd party."
"Good choice of him to do what he did, keep supporting him." ~ DRTvL
Anytime you have to choose between people you care about is difficult. But choosing the health and welfare of the child with limited options over the adult in control of the situation is usually the right choice.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp