Setting boundaries with family as an adult can be especially difficult. If relatives are used to a person being a doormat, they’ll probably balk when that person decides to stand up for themself.
The boundary setter will become the bad person. They’ll be admonished to “keep the peace” by allowing others to walk all over them.
A woman who decided to stand up to her sister turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Crazy_Merma1d asked:
“AITA for saying my sister crossed a line even though everyone says I’m overreacting?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I am (29, female) married to my husband (30, male). We’ve been together for years and I’ve never had reason to doubt our relationship.”
“My sister (26, female) is very involved in our lives. She comes over often, talks to my husband a lot, and has always said how much she ‘feels safe’ around him.”
“I didn’t think much of it until recently, when she told me she feels a very strong emotional connection to him and that she wanted to be honest with me. She insisted she meant nothing inappropriate and said I should take it as a compliment that she trusts my husband so much.”
“But after that conversation, I couldn’t unsee certain things. She seeks his validation constantly, downplays my opinions, and acts hurt if I interrupt their conversations or set boundaries.”
“I eventually told her that her behavior makes me uncomfortable and that I need her to respect my marriage.”
“She immediately got defensive and said I’m being insecure, controlling, and projecting my own fears onto her. She told me that if I were more confident in myself, none of this would bother me.”
“When I talked to my parents, they agreed with her. They said she was being emotionally honest and that I’m turning something harmless into drama. They keep reminding me that ‘nothing actually happened’ and imply that I’m the one creating tension in the family.”
“Now I’m starting to question myself. I feel uncomfortable, but everyone around me keeps saying I’m imagining things and being unfair.”
“AITA?”
The OP later added:
“I did talk to my husband about it before confronting her. He told me he feels uncomfortable with how involved she is and agrees that some of her behavior crosses boundaries.”
“He also said he never encouraged it and has been trying to keep things polite, but distant. He supports me setting boundaries and doesn’t want to be put in the middle of family tension.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I might be the a**hole because I confronted my sister and told her that her behavior toward my husband was inappropriate and made me uncomfortable. I asked her to change how she interacts with him and to respect my boundaries.”
“I could be the a**hole because she believes her behavior was harmless and that I unfairly accused her of something she didn’t intend. From her perspective, I may have acted out of insecurity and made her feel attacked and judged for actions she sees as normal.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Since your husband‘s on the same page as this, you need to limit her seeing him to group family events. She can’t come over anymore. It’s the beginnings of what she wants to be a relationship, romantic relationship with him, nip it in the bud.” ~ Dry-Lawfulness-638
“Considering the family thinks this is all innocent and that OP is being delusional, I think this needs to come from the husband with OPs firm support.”
“The outcome is either the family is no longer able to call OP delusional since it’s now clear the husband is also uncomfortable, or the family continues to be disrespectful and provides a reason to get distant with them.”
“I sure as heck wouldn’t want to continue to be close to people who trample over my feelings.” ~ pay_student_loan
“NTA. You and your husband need to sit down with your sister and parents together and confront her about her behaviour. You both need to tell them that your husband is uncomfortable and does not appreciate her attention.”
“You need to show you are a united front and that this is NOT you being ‘insecure’ or ‘jealous’. This is not about you ‘lacking confidence’. This is about your sister crossing boundaries with your husband. This is about your sister actively trying to push you away from your husband by dismissing and denigrating you and your opinions in front of him.”
“You also need to tell her she is no longer welcome in your home until she gets over her obsession with your husband.”
“Do not use open ended statements.”
“Do not give them the opportunity to argue.”
“Address her behaviour. Set boundaries. Tell them there will be no discussion. This is what you both want for your household and relationship and them respecting it is not up for debate.” ~ EastPirate6505
“Guess what you can do…STOP HOSTING HER AT YOUR HOUSE!! Take her keys if she has a set or change the locks if she being a psycho and doesn’t want to return them. She doesn’t get to come over unless it’s a planned event with other people present.”
“Your husband should severely limit his one on one interactions with her via phone and in-person. In the end the end of the day, it’s your home. It’s your marriage. It’s both your and your husband’s comfort. The both of you need to present a united front.” ~ gdrom123
“You and your husband both find your sister’s behavior inappropriate. Part of growing up is understanding that you don’t need anyone’s—not even your parents’—validation or approval before you set a healthy boundary.”
“Please work on recognizing this, and ask yourself how frequently you and others enable your sister’s selfabsorbed behaviors. Then, take steps consistently to protect your interests. NTA.” ~ MabsMessenger
“I’ll give husband the benefit of the doubt here. If he’s tried putting some distance between them, then he likely struggled with something a lot of women have experienced in being the recipient of unwanted advances.”
“You freeze up, try to pull away without creating waves and you know if you speak up about your concerns you risk breaking up a family or being branded a liar. In that case, hearing the wife bringing it up validates how he feels and that he’s not imagining it.”
“It’s easier to come to a plan together knowing she’s on board with whatever happens as a result, because it very much sounds like this is leading to no contact with the family since everyone else is downplaying what she’s doing.”
“It’s no fun to be in his spot. As a general observation: just because he’s a husband doesn’t mean he has to be confrontational or handle unwanted advances the way we THINK he should. That’s telling a victim how to act.” ~ ryeong
“OP, don’t question yourself. Your family has some strange and unhealthy relationship dynamics. DO NOT DOUBT that. Do not trust their judgement.”
“• Your husband feels uncomfortable with your sister’s behavior. You feel uncomfortable.”
“• Your sister is the one creating tension for you and your husband. Who cares if your parents don’t care what she does? This is between you, your husband and your sister.”
“• So why does your sister get to be “emotionally honest,” but somehow neither you NOR YOUR HUSBAND are allowed to feel uncomfortable? Why are you supposed to change your own feelings so that she is free to say, act, and IMPOSE her feelings however she likes?”
“OP, neither your sister nor your parents sound like they are worth you wasting your time or breath trying to explain yourself to them. You and your husband just agree between yourselves on what boundaries you want to set. Then the TWO OF YOU uphold your boundaries.”
“• Sister is no longer welcome in your home.”
“• You and husband may choose not to attend family events for a while. If you do attend any events, be prepared to walk away from any inappropriate/uncomfortable conversations; be prepared to leave (immediately) if anyone pushes this button.”
“• Phone conversations end the minute sis says anything inappropriate or pushes this agenda. If she doesn’t stop, then she gets BLOCKED. Similar for parents.”
“I get the feeling that putting some distance between you and your family will be enormously helpful to you. NTA.” ~ swillshop
“NTA. You said you talked to your husband and he feels the same. Ultimately, it’s up to him to set a boundary as well. If both of you are united, it should be fairly simple to force her to back off without completely destroying the relationship.” ~ hvlochs
The OP provided an update:
“Guys, thank you so much. I guess we’ll arrange a family get together to talk about it all.”
“My husband will speak mostly. I did my part.”
If OP and her husband are uncomfortable with how OP’s sister acts around OP’s husband, they have the right to tell her to buzz off.
They don’t owe her their time or attention.