Offering to help a loved one in a time of need is a gracious act of selflessness.
It can take a lot of personal time to give to others.
Which is why having some personal time every day to keep inner peace is vital for many.
This doesn't always go over well with the person being helped.
Some people need all of everyone's time.
Redditor AStormInsideTeaCups wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for leaving because my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] hid my shoes to keep me from taking walks?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Sorry if there are any sentences that have missing words; this was over 5000 characters when I first wrote it, so I had to edit it down."
"She is my SISTER-IN-LAW, not my sister."
"My SIL has three little ones, and her husband (my stepbrother) had to leave the country for work for a few months."
"I offered to stay so I could help her out where needed, and she happily accepted."
"I live across town, so not THAT far."
"I was there for 3 days when my SIL commented on me going on daily walks."
"I have taken a daily walk of at least a mile since October 2018."
"Yes, even with a cold, yes, even in cold weather, yes to all of it."
"On nice days, the walk is usually 4 miles."
"At my SILs, I started taking a path that was about two miles."
"I asked if she wanted me to watch the kids while she got some exercise, and she scoffed and said she was too busy, but it must be nice."
"I was a little puzzled since I was offering to help."
"But the comments kept coming."
"She kept trying to poke holes."
"'But it's not REALLY a mile every day, right?' and 'What would you do if you broke your foot? Would you get anxious if you couldn't take a walk?'"
"Then one morning, I couldn't find my shoes."
"My SIL woke up an hour later, I was eating breakfast with the kids, and I asked her."
"She told me to go check the back door, and when I got back, she pointed at them by the door and said I must have missed them."
"I took my walk after telling her that her joke wasn't funny."
"She was annoyed when I got back and told me that she thinks I need to see a therapist over my anxiety/obsession."
"I told her that I do have a therapist, and she said I clearly need a new one because this one isn't helping."
"I asked her point-blank, why does it bother her so much if I want to take a walk?"
"She said I was supposed to be there to help her with the kids, and I'm disappearing for hours at a time."
"I told her that my walks take about 30 minutes, and I'm doing it while they have downtime."
"I put my shoes in the guest room with the rest of my things, and they were gone the next morning."
"I just said f**k it and packed my things and left."
"My SIL called me when I was on my way home and said I was overreacting and being childish, and this is why I am single and alone."
"I told her that I don't play these stupid games and that I would still pick up the girls and stay until she got home from work, but that she's on her own for everything else."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. It is most certainly your SIL who needs a therapist."
"Something about your wellness routine is triggering her in some way."
"It is weird and unhealthy." ~ I_Suggest_Therapy
"Does she expect you to be her Nanny/maid on duty 24/7...?"
"Nope!" ~ Someone-Rebuilding
"She's angry that OP has an easy life (being single and childless), something that she lost when she produced 3 children."
"It's not OP's responsibility to care for them - if anything, the SIL should've been forever grateful for the offer of (FREE) help."
"The entitlement of some people makes me sick."
"OP, if I were you, I'd mind my own business and cut the help altogether."
"Also, from my own experience: when you're told to change therapists because they're not helping, that's the strongest proof that they actually ARE helping."
"People who can't accept your improvements will always try to drag you back to where they can comfortably manage you. NTA." ~ BooBoo_Ghemotoc
"I mean, it sounds like OP also offered her time to get some exercise in herself, so it also sounds like she just doesn't like the fact OP is putting in the effort to exercise."
"Crabs in a bucket mentality." ~ Kinuika
"No, it's more likely jealousy."
"She probably notices that, as a mom, self-care routines such as exercise are deprioritized, and her physical attractiveness is suffering for it."
"She is jealous that the other woman is (might be) more fit, and she is jealous that she doesn't have as much time to dedicate to self-care."
"I am sorry that she feels bad about herself, but putting others down to feel better about herself is toxic." ~ Vektor0
"She's jealous."
"Jealous that OP doesn't have the responsibility of looking after 3 kids by herself."
"Jealous that OP has time for self-care."
"Jealous that OP has the ability to do it every day."
"SIL's 'it must be nice' comment is just bitterness and jealousy tossed together in her little resentment salad." ~ SunMoonTruth
"Your SIL is jealous of your self-care, and it's pathetic."
"Now she's realized she's taken it too far, she looks like a lunatic, and she has no way to reasonably explain this to your stepbrother, you know, because what she did was nuts."
"Then she double-downed."
"I'm impressed you're still willing to interact with her at all."
"If she acts out-of-line anymore, disappear until stepbrother returns."
"Also, I'd contact him now and very calmly let him know what's up."
"Be sure to tell him she said..."
"A. You need therapy for daily walks."
"B. You are childish."
"C. Leaving because your things get hidden is why you're 'single and alone.'"
"What's she going to do?"
"Explain how she lost a reliable live-in and then at least every workday babysitter because she's a controlling loon?"
"NTA." ~ SisterTulips
"NTA."
"My SIL called me when I was on my way home and said I was overreacting and being childish, and this is why I am single and alone."
"And then you told her to figure everything out herself because, as a child, it wouldn't be safe for you to watch her kids at all. Right?"
"She can pay a babysitter."
"It's her and your stepbrothers' responsibility, not yours." ~ maybe-an-ai
"NTA. It's a bit amusing that she tells you to speak to see a therapist when daily exercise and fresh air are actually good for mental health."
"Besides, it's not like you are away for hours anyway, a short walk is normal and a part of everyday life." ~ Jackonelli
"My therapist is big on my taking a daily walk."
"He once had me do an exercise where I did a mood survey before and after my walk, and of course, it was much higher afterwards."
"I hate when the stupid things they tell you to do actually work." ~ melodypowers
"You are my hero; you took action that was proportional to the offense."
"She is the one who needs to see a therapist to understand why she is so intolerant of other people's routines."
"She also needs to learn that her ways and opinions do not apply to everyone around her."
"Just because she is not doing anything to take care of herself, it doesn't mean that she gets to make decisions for others' health."
"NTA, don't go back, let her sleep in the bed she made." ~ Grymflyk
"NTA, does your SIL seriously think walking a couple of miles a day is some sort of issue that needs therapy?"
"Is she unaware of the concept of exercise?"
"Honestly, it sounds more like she is annoyed that you get to do things away from her kids."
"Also, maybe she shouldn't steal other people's property." ~ lord_buff74
"NTA. She sounds like she needs a therapist."
"She might have separation anxiety from her husband (your stepbrother) and treat you as an extension of him."
"Hiding your shoes to prevent you 'from disappearing' when you're helping her out is extreme entitled behavior." ~ Infamous-Berry-5875
"NTA. I have a coworker who is 78 (she looks like she is in her 50s, no joke) and she runs or walks 5 miles almost every day."
"Sometimes it's outside, and sometimes it's on a treadmill."
"She does it cause she likes it."
"Not because she's obsessed or anything."
"It's because she likes it and because it makes her feel good."
"You should get the kids to go on walks with you and really piss off SIL." ~ Anxious_Island_404
"NTA, you were doing her a very generous favor, and she essentially stole your property."
"It is so weird she is obsessed with your walks."
"She should be able to watch her children for an entire day by herself, let alone 30 mins."
"As you said, it's not like youre leaving in the middle of chaos."
"Daily exercise is actually important for everyone."
"Maybe she wouldn't be acting so crazy if she took your offer for a walk."
"You're still generous for continuing to even offer her any help." ~ Dangerous_Cow_7372
"NTA. She's probably feeling jealous that you have time for self-care while she's overwhelmed with three kids, but hiding your shoes twice is completely unacceptable behavior from an adult."
"You were doing her a favor, and she was being manipulative instead of just having an honest conversation about feeling overwhelmed." ~ Due-Major1576
OP came back to say thanks...
"Ok, I did not expect to be told I'm NTA to this degree."
"I thought a lot more people would have arguments with me since it has to do with taking care of kids."
Reddit is with you, OP.
You have every right to take some daily time for yourself.
You're there to be a helpful family member, not an indentured servant.
Stay strong and enjoy your walks.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp