Over many generations, knitting has become a worldwide pastime.
What was once looked at as only... "An older person's hobby" has exploded in creativity and mass.
Thanks to TikToks, Instagram, and Etsy, knitting can also be a financial boon.
It can also cause strife amongst family members.
Who would've thunk it?
Redditor VividEyes13 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for rejecting my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]'s challenge and giving her instructions to learn how to knit?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I am a knitter and enjoy making all kinds of things, but for the most part, I knit things for my husband or me."
"I don't have the heart to buy nice yarn, a pattern, and put hours into making something for someone just to watch it be treated like crap."
"I have no say over what others do with the things I give them, so I just don't."
"My MIL said, 'I have a challenge for you, IF you're up to it.'"
"She pointed at a picture on her phone and said that the challenge was for me to make her a Sophie scarf that would match a dress."
"I asked her, why is she framing it as a challenge when it's just her asking me to knit something for her?"
"She didn't have an answer and just said if I'm up to the challenge, I can give it a try."
"I asked my husband what I should do."
"He said to just flat out tell her no."
"But I figured it would be nice to at least meet her halfway."
"I asked her to send me a picture of the dress and went to my yarn store to get yarn in a color I thought would be good and a pair of needles from my own stash."
"I got her a 'learn to knit' book."
"The next time I saw her, I gave it all to her and said that here is all the stuff she would need to make her Sophie scarf, except the pattern she'd need to buy herself."
"She looked at it like what the heck and said in this pitiful voice, 'Oh, you couldn't figure it out?"'
"I said nope, I've made myself a few. "
"But I thought it would be better for her to learn how to knit, and she would be able to challenge herself."
"She frowned at it but didn't say anything else to me and just set the yarn aside."
"She did, however, go to my husband and tell him that all she had done was give me a challenge, but I hadn't even tried."
"He heard her out but told her it was ultimately up to me."
"I have unfortunately seen her posting on her FB about how she doesn't get my generation and why we have to make everything so difficult."
"I thought this would be an interesting question to pose to you all."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"YTA, passive-aggressive much." ~ Visual-Ad6004
"OP stayed engaged with this topic far longer than necessary and made it more complicated."
"Simply saying no from the beginning if not interested would have been the easy way to end the conversation and ensure it's unlikely to come up again."
"Instead, she made it sound like she was interested in helping and brought up the topic again to ask for photos, etc."
"The book and supplies were a passive-aggressive way to reject the request/challenge and had the potential to escalate things."
"It would have been completely fine to turn down the request and just move on, but the way things happened was drawn out and well beyond a simple no."
"I'm not into the generational conflicts people like to bring up and don't attribute it to that, but I admit that I also don't understand OP's behavior."
"Except that it's more likely that I'm in the same generation as OP, and not the MIL." ~ darklogic85
"I totally agree."
"OP sounds exhausting."
"What could have been a 'Nah, I don't feel like doing that' turned into trying to analyze the question with her husband, gathering information from the MIL that caused her to think the scarf was being made, buying supplies, a passive-aggressive suggestion, a pointless conversation between MIL and husband, and MIL still being mad." ~ CptAgustusMcCrae
"I'm a knitter, and I completely understand not wanting to knit for someone else, and how annoying it can be when someone asks you to make something for them."
"I have no people with OP not wanting to knit something for her mother-in-law."
"But at the point when she asked for a picture of the dress, but didn't say no, it really seems petty and passive-aggressive."
"It would've been different if she were honest about not gift knitting, and offered to help her MIL learn to knit if she was interested."
"But otherwise, 'no' is a full sentence; just act like a grown-up." ~ Winterwidow89
"ESH. This whole interaction is freaking weird."
"Your MIL making it into a 'challenge' is freaking odd, but it feels fairly obvious to me that she's insecure about asking you to make her a scarf directly."
"You and your husband clearly picked up on the fact that this is her way to ask you."
"Everyone's got their little quirks or mannerisms when they're uncomfortable asking for something."
"As an outsider, it feels like she was just trying to be playful?"
"I have older family members who do this whole 'song and dance' instead of just asking for something plainly."
"You could have just said no, or even asked if she'd like to learn instead."
"But instead, you buy her the materials and tell her to make it herself."
"That's incredibly passive-aggressive."
"It's clear that she had no interest in learning how to knit herself."
"So yeah, you did assist with making this situation weirder when you could have just told her no." ~ Shiraoka
"Honestly, while you're NTA overall, your response is annoying."
"You don't want to spend time and money to make something that won't be appreciated, so you spend time and money (admittedly less time) to give her something she won't appreciate?"
"There is NO way you thought she would appreciate this."
"This wasn't about meeting her halfway; this was about you making a 'f**k you' gesture because you're annoyed at her."
"So YTA for pretending otherwise." ~ glib_result
"I know a bunch of knitters, and I've been told that."
"I learned about qiviut yarn on a trip to Banff, and I didn't buy any then, but it was in the back of my head."
"I asked one of my knitting friends if I could get some if she'd make me a scarf (a very tiny one), and she straight up said she didn't make things for other people and didn't know any other knitters that did."
"I was a little bummed, but I wasn't going to be pissy about it."
"A few years later, I bought a qiviut smoke ring made by a native artisan from a place in Anchorage, so it was all good."
"OP just should have said that she didn't knit for other people, but that a Sophie scarf is easy to learn, and she'd love to teach MIL, and left it at that."
"MIL was an a** about the way she made the request, but it sounds like she's kind of like that anyway, but OP really kind of escalated here." ~ jenorama_CA
"I'm saying YTA only because you dealt with this in an unnecessarily passive-aggressive way."
"If this is a frequent thing she does, that would change my verdict, but otherwise just say no." ~ Professional-Scar628
"YTA. This was so completely unnecessary and passively aggressive."
"You could have just said no."
"No is a full sentence."
"Just say you don't want to do it."
"But instead, you got in your car, drove to a store, shopped all around, bought a bunch of stuff, and gave it to your MIL as if it were some kind of gift... when all you had to say was no."
"You weren't being nice, so stop pretending."
"Even if your MIL was also indirect about her request, and even if she is always asking you to do things you don't want to do, you were the a**hole here." ~ jennyfromtheeblock
"YTA. She phrased her request in a weird way, but at the end of the day, she was asking you to knit her a scarf."
"Instead of just saying no, you chose a really passive-aggressive response." ~ ShillinTheVillain
"YTA and getting weirdly hung up on the word 'challenge.'"
"That's just an expression and a way to ask for a favor."
"It's weird that you felt affronted by it."
"Either say no, I don't have time to knit the scarf, or sure, I'll knit the scarf."
"Edited to add, as someone who has recently lost their MIL, I think you should consider knitting the scarf."
"She's trying to connect with you, and she won't be around forever." ~ pandabrads
"YTA. She was asking for you to make it."
"Just use your words and say no."
"What you did was really passive-aggressive and unkind, which is what you were trying for."
"You did an unkind, passive-aggressive thing, and you know full well YTA because you did it with the intention of being as a**."
"Which you were." ~ Perle1234
"I knit, and I love making things for people I care about."
"Scarves are so low investment compared to a pullover or cardigan."
"I have a hard time believing your MIL would abuse a scarf to the point of truly upsetting you."
"How simple it would have been to make her a lovely scarf and present it to her happily, just to do something nice."
"YTA, and it sounds like you really enjoyed being an AH too." ~ 17Girl4Life
Your free time is yours, OP.
That is true.
But Reddit is not really with you on this one.
How difficult could it be to have just made the scarf?
Maybe you can explain to her that you felt insulted by how she presented the idea to you.
Perhaps you both can work on it together and mend the issue.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp