As our parents enter their twilight years, the tables turn, and we now need to take care of those who first took care of us.
Sometimes, this may mean simply giving them the occasional phone call or visit.
In more extreme situations, however, it might mean finding a new living situation for them.
Often coming at a considerable cost.
The parents of Redditor Throw_away263759 were in need of some extra help.
The original poster (OP)'s mother had a very specific idea of what she wanted to happen.
Unfortunately, the OP was firmly against this idea.
Wondering if they were in the wrong for feeling this way, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to subsidize my parents’ $11k/month senior's home in one of the fanciest neighborhoods in the city?"
The OP explained why they were against the future plans their parents had laid out:
"I (34 M[ale], physician) am an only child."
"My parents are in their late 60s with serious health issues."
"My mom has a slow-growing cancer, and my dad has Alzheimer’s (currently mild, still driving and managing day-to-day)."
"In terms of outlook, we are looking at about 5 years for my mom and 12 years for my dad."
"Right now they are doing okay at home with frozen meals and some cleaning help, but they have said they want to move into a senior residence in about a year."
"They have fixated on a specific home in Kerrisdale, Vancouver which is one of the more affluent neighborhoods in the city, if not in all of Canada."
"It is about $11,000 CAD per month for a 1bdrm, and that is just independent living, meaning meals, activities, and light housekeeping."
"Any actual care like personal support or medication management would be extra."
"And assisted living or long-term care in the complex would be 2x or 3x as much."
"Financially, they have about CAD $8,000 per month in pre-tax income (edit: they pay taxes, copays for drugs/dental, life stuff like cable, clothing, haircuts etc out of this money. they also have 2 young dogs. right now they are about breaking even while paying $2800 in rent), and around CAD $800,000 in assets (they don't own a home)."
"So they are not broke and have meaningful resources, but realistically they can't afford this place long term, especially once they need higher levels of care."
"The implied expectation is that I would step in and help cover things after they run out of money."
"I could technically afford to help."
"But this is a potentially decade plus commitment with escalating costs over time."
"And it would affect my ability to make major life decisions such as where I live, career flexibility, and relationships."
"I have suggested more sustainable options that are still good quality, just not ultra premium, but those get dismissed as not good enough."
"My mom has always been very hard to please."
"Even when things are objectively good, she tends to focus on what is wrong."
"So I worry that even if I do help fund this, it will not actually make her happy, and I will still be taking on a major long term financial burden."
"From my perspective:"
"They are choosing a lifestyle above what their finances comfortably support."
"The current option is not even the level of care they will likely need later on."
"I am being positioned as the future backstop for an open ended, escalating cost."
"At the same time, I feel guilty."
"They are dealing with real health issues, and I can help. Part of me feels like I should want them to have the nicest, easiest environment possible."
"But I also feel it's reasonable to expect them to choose something they can sustain on their own resources, especially when good alternatives exist."
"I am not trying to abandon them; I want them to be safe, comfortable, and cared for."
"I just don't think I should be responsible for paying for a luxury home in one of the top 2% neighborhoods in the country, especially when it may not even meet their future needs."
"AITA for drawing a line and refusing to subsidize this plan, even if it means they have to go for something less upscale?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to put their parents in an expensive elderly home.
While everyone agreed that the OP's parents were clearly in need of additional help, they also agreed that the OP should not be responsible for paying for it our of his own pocket:
"NTA."
"From one physician to another, you know dad is going to need memory care (full supervision) in the future."
"Despite mom’s cancer being described as slow growing, that may need elevated care in the future."
"They need to liquidate assets, use that for their care costs, and then (this is more US advice) apply for social assistance (Medicaid) when their assets run out."
"You can help out meaningfully without bankrolling them."- bevespi
"Present it as, 'if anything we're to happen to me, I wouldn't want you to have to move out. Let's find a place you won't have to leave'."
"NTA."- Lilliekins
"NTA."
"As an RN I’ve directly seen the care outcomes in different settings and it’s definitely not worth 11k/month."
"They make the brochures look so nice though."
"Also, if they have an attached LTC facility, they will push that as soon as one parent has a setback and that would be horrifyingly expensive."
"I‘m rather surprised they don’t want to keep the privacy and familiarity of their home."
"I would lobby that they stay there as long as possible; they could have an almost full-time non-licensed aide for less than half that."
"Maybe your mom could be persuaded to stay if they can have someone coming to do daily tasks like laundry, cleaning, meal prep, picking up meds."
"Your dad will likely phase out of this facility very quickly if he can’t adapt."
"Then what?"- mothandravenstudio
"NTA."
"They have 800k $ in assets and theyre asking you to fund a lifestyle they can't sustain, so they dont have to downgrade their expectations, bro?"- littlemangoball
"NTA."
"They can’t afford it."
"It’s absolutely unreasonable and presumptuous of them to expect you to support this."
"I mean/ what happens when their care needs increase beyond what is offered by the facility?"
"They are not thinking about this objectively."
"At some point, Alzheimer’s patients will require 24/7 care."
"They should not be blowing all of their money on a luxury apartment."- rialtolido
"NTA."
"Because:
"They are dealing with real health issues, and I can help."
"Read that again."
"Because based on your own experience, you cannot actually help with this."
"Your money can’t fix their illnesses, and apparently, it also cannot make your mom happy."
"Your money COULD come into play in three or four years when more $ is needed for skilled care that improves quality of life."
"And it’s much harder to do that if all of your resources have already been stretched on a lifestyle they can’t afford and no one actually needs."- LeadInfinite6220
"NTA."
"They can't afford the fancy place."
"That's the bottom line."
"Yes, you want them to have a nice place to live and care as needed, but they can not afford this particular place."- Itchy_Juice_2528
"NTA."
"It would be nice if you can help some, but you don't owe them a blank cheque, especially if their needs (not wants) can be met without it."
"Luxury in their sunset years shouldn't come at the cost of the future you have worked hard for."- thrusty8
"NTA."
"Because they have considerable assets and income, they should be able to find someplace decent without your financial help."
"I suggest you offer to help with finding needed resources, become their POA, and visit and provide emotional support."
"But, an open ended expectation at that level is totally unfair to you."
"If your mom is hard to please, even this place won’t make her happy."- Ill_Industry6452
"NTA."
"They can get a place that’s within their means and still be perfectly comfortable, maybe they’d even have more space."
"My MIL is in a situation where she is starting to run out of $ bc she had to transition to a higher level of care, and it’s tough."
"Asking you to pitch in $3k a month isn’t a small ask or sustainable."- Parking_Champion_740
It's clear that the OP's parents need help, and they seem to be aware of it.
What they are probably not aware of, however, is the fact that the help they need is a bit beyond the scope of where they want to end up.
Making the cost of it all something of a moot point.
