There's nothing quite like finding out that the person you like doesn't like you back, not just in romantic relationships but in friendships.
But it feels even worse when they act to your face like they care about you while trash-talking you behind your back, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Interesting-Eye-9786 thought she had made meaningful friendships with several of her coworkers to the point that they could even be friends outside the workplace.
But when she discovered messages between the two of them, calling her "weird" and "taxing," the Original Poster (OP) sadly realized their friendship was not real.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for reading text messages on my coworker's phone after a notification popped up with my name in it while I was ordering food for her?"
The OP thought she'd made two great friends at her workplace.
"I (25 Female) work in an office where I’ve gotten really close to one of my coworkers (36 Female)."
"We usually go out every couple of weeks on Fridays. I thought we had a pretty solid friendship outside of work, too."
"Earlier this week, I invited her to try this Japanese café where I like to get matcha, and she said yes. You know, something casual we could do after work."
But then the OP accidentally discovered the truth.
"Today at the office, she was in a meeting and said she was starving, so she asked me if I could order something for her on Uber using her phone while she finished up. I said sure, and she handed her phone to me, unlocked."
"While I was placing the order, a message popped up from another coworker. I didn’t mean to read it at first, but it was right there on the screen. It said something like, 'So we’re going to P.F. Chang’s on Friday?' and then an immediate follow-up: 'You DID cancel on (my name), right?'"
"I kind of froze. I knew I probably shouldn’t keep reading, but I did."
"I opened the conversation. The messages between them were… not nice."
"They were talking about me and calling me 'weird,' 'taxing,' and 'kind of a nuisance sometimes.'"
"There were also messages about not inviting me to things and wanting to do things 'without me for once.'"
"Our coworker even said to my friend that maybe 'I had a crush on her' to explain why I liked hanging out with her so much. I’m straight, but I did enjoy her company."
Instead of taking accountability, the "friend" blamed the OP for snooping.
"I didn’t say anything immediately, but I guess she noticed something was off, because about 10 minutes later, she asked if I had gone through her messages."
"I didn’t lie and just said yes."
"She got really upset and said I had no right to invade her privacy and that it was a huge violation of trust."
"I told her I only looked because the message popped up while I was ordering for her, and that I saw my name, and at that point, I couldn’t just ignore it."
"Now things are really awkward between us. She’s mostly upset about me going through her phone, and I’m honestly more hurt about what I read."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some would have rated the situation as "NTA" but rated it as "ESH" because the OP read those text messages.
"Unfortunately, ESH."
"Her for lying to you and bad-mouthing you behind your back all this time, and you for opening the message."
"The proper way to have handled it would have been to have handed it back to her immediately, with the pop-up still there. Then privately message her later, 'Is there something we need to clear the air about? That popped up right as I was ordering, I couldn't very well not see it, and I can't say I appreciated what little bit I saw.'" - canvasshoes2
"Nah, definitely ESH. Regardless of whether someone is making nice or cruel comments about you, you aren't allowed to just scroll through their messages because you have their phone. That's straight-up an invasion of privacy, and if OP is doing that kind of stuff in the first place, no wonder their coworker said that shit." - godfromabove256
"I'm 36 and can't imagine having this kind of drama with a 25-year-old coworker. How lame. Everybody sucks in this scenario."
"Don't let people you don't like play with your phone. The coworker is mean and stupid. Her fault, really."
"I mean, most people know better than to randomly go through other people's texts, but if I saw my name and a bunch of garbage together in the same pop-up, I don't think I would have done any differently than OP did, so I guess we're both ESH." - LeeDarkFeathers
"Definitely ESH. I get that it would be hard not to look at the conversation after those things popped up, but you should have stopped yourself. Then you should have been upfront with your coworker about the message you did see."
"Things would still have been awkward, and it’s obvious they aren’t actually your friends. But at least then, they would have been the only ones engaging in childish drama. Instead, by looking, you went down to their level."
"People deserve privacy, even if they are being nasty. You already knew it wasn’t a nice conversation about you. All you managed to gain by reading the rest is giving them something more to complain about."
"If people talk about you, let them talk. Then prove them wrong by being better than that." - crazybirdlady93
"ESH. She for being two-faced, and you for going through her messages. It’s a tough lesson to learn, not everyone will like you, and in an office setting, it’s usually best to keep things professional." - Lunar_Hibiscus
"Looking at someone's private messages is super invasive, and I absolutely would not click the button. I'd quietly end the friendship, but I wouldn't click the button." - itsnotlikewereforkin
"ESH. She gave you her phone to order for you. Of course you saw that text. Now you know the truth."
"Should you have looked at the other messages? No. So that's where you're wrong."
"She's the a** for having you do crap for her when she doesn't even like you. She agrees to go out with you, but slams you behind your back. The other coworker sucks too for their role."
"But silver lining, you know where you stand. Ditch these people from your social life. You do your job and be strictly professional only. Let her be mad. She's more embarrassed you found out the truth and redirecting."
"Now find yourself real people to be friends with... outside of work. Keep work people professional only." - CSurvivor9
Others dismissed the rating system and pointed out that the OP was better off without fake friends.
"Honestly, who cares who the a**hole is in this specific circumstance? She is two-faced, and you’re better off not having a relationship other than professional with her. If you just have to do something, apologize for going through her messages and then distance yourself." - Mcbooferboyvagho
"I mean, maybe it was wrong, but not gonna lie, as soon as I saw my name, I would have been reading it, too, and probably looked through the entire thread! But she can kick rocks about being hurt about your 'trust violation,' because according to her messages, she isn’t your friend anyway! Consider yourself lucky you saw her true colors sooner rather than later." - Salty-Tea6815
"This actually happened to me with my friend's phone in high school. She gave it to me to look at something, and a message popped up where I saw my name. I didn’t really hesitate because she expected me to have the phone for a minute. I scrolled just long enough to find that my whole friend group was only putting up with me because they were friends with my boyfriend."
"These were my friend group since, like, fourth grade. I don’t regret clicking the message even though I know it was wrong. I never said anything, just learned where I stood and distanced myself." - CherryPatdeFruit
"ESH. You could have said, 'This popped up, I’m not opening it, but what the f**k, dude?'"
"If it were me, I wouldn’t order anything and instead give her the phone, letting her know a few ‘summarized’ texts came through when you were about to order. It sounds like you got enough just from the little bit of the message you could get the gist without opening the convo. Curiosity got the better of you."
"And I would drop her. She’s two-faced and not a trustworthy coworker. One of you is drama, or you both are. Either way, I suggest you stay away from each other." - Potential_Shoe1068
"ESH? Kind of? I mean, you did read a private message that wasn't meant for you."
"I get that it's hurtful when you find out that someone you consider a friend doesn't see you the same way. Personally, I'd have also read the message."
"My advice: Sometimes we need to do a**hole things so we can maintain our own balance in life. You didn't lose a friend because she was never your friend to begin with. Otherwise, she'd have never said those things, even in confidence, to another person."
"Just keep going about your work and don't let this get you down about finding real friends." - decodeddadman
"My vote is NTA, but I hate navigating social situations where people are saying one thing to your face and a completely different thing behind your back, so I'd vote you NTA for almost anything compared to these folks."
"I'm sorry you had to see that. I guess that's your cue to keep things professional with these folks and not try to be friends. Obviously, Friday is canceled, and I wouldn't invite her to anything else, and when and if she 'invites' you, I'd politely decline."
"Although that sucks as a work environment (especially if you're on a small team), so just a heads up that you might want to start job-hunting. It sounds like it's not toooo bad right now, but it could get there quick."
"If they start acting out against you in a work-related way (like refusing to collaborate or sabotaging your work), you'll need to document that and take it to a manager. But until or unless that happens, I would just work on keeping things polite but cool." - ChimericalTrainer
"NTA. She handed you her unlocked phone to do her a favor while she was actively trash-talking you. She’s only weaponizing "privacy" because she’s embarrassed she got caught being a mean girl. Stop doing her favors and find better friends. You don't owe her anything." - conriva
"This is between NTA and ESH, but ultimately, I'm going with NTA."
"She's mad because she's rightfully ashamed of her actions. She's dumb because she gave you her phone while trash-talking you. Strange to me that anyone would call this YTA with all that in mind."
"It's not generally right to pry, but for a message like that to pop up, I'd call it justified a-hole behavior, which normally belongs under NTA." - radialomens
The subReddit agreed that it sucks to find out that a friend doesn't care about us the way they've told us to our face, but that doesn't make it okay to invade their privacy.
At the end of the day, the OP is better off knowing who her real friends are, but it would have been better if she had found out another way.
