Is it ever appropriate to attend a funeral for someone you don’t know?
In grade school, one of our classmate’s Mother died after a long battle with cancer. My Mother knew his Mother because we lived in a small town and they had been in school together, but I had never met her.
Still, almost the entire class attended the funeral to support our classmate.
But if I have no direct connection to the deceased or their family? I’m unlikely to go.
A worker in an undisclosed indistry turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after calling out a coworker for ulterior motives.
Throwaway875441363 asked:
“AITA for telling a coworker to stop brown nosing by going to a funeral and mourning somebody he didn’t know?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Last week, a long retired former coworker died. He was very popular and well-known in our company.”
“I have worked with him in a close team setup for several years and was really sad when I learned that he passed away. Next week is his funeral.”
“I and some other coworkers who worked with him wanted to attend.”
“Now the issue: We have one coworker who has severe FOMO—fear of missing out—and is kind of a brown noser to the higher-ups.”
“He only knows the deceased from the stories we tell about him, and he met him only once at a company function where they talked for about 5 minutes in a group setup.”
“He is now running around the company and telling everybody how tragic the death is and how affected he is.”
“Also, when I told my boss that I needed PTO to attend the funeral, I was told that it would not be possible as at least one team member has to be present in the company, and said coworker already asked for PTO so he could attend the funeral.”
“When I asked him if we could switch, he told me no because he wants to join the funeral as it would be good tone to join and management will surely appreciate it.”
“That’s where I lost it, and I told him to stop brown nosing and making the death of a coworker he didn’t know about him.”
“He since then complained to our boss that I was rude to him, but most of our coworkers are on my side.”
“So AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole for calling him a brown noser, and because I said that, he has no right to mourn somebody he didn’t know.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. I loathe grief tourists. It’s revolting behaviour.”
“It’s one thing to attend to support friends, but to attend to grease up the managers is vile behaviour. I would talk to the manager again or go to HR if possible.” ~ EffableFornent
“I call them mournsterbators.” ~ Crass_237
“I call them grief thief/thieves depending on how many are running around trying to make it about them.” ~ donutella_versus
“Thank you for putting a name to this behavior. I didn’t know what to call it, but it always skeeves me out. I’ve always said that my MIL will go to any wedding, or any funeral. I find it bizarre and attention seeking.” ~ IdKillForAGoodComa
“Yeah, everyone knows it’s usually bad manners to go to a funeral of someone you don’t know…. especially for ulterior motives.”
“Sorry OP has to deal with this. NTA.” ~ freshstartno
“NTA. It seems like really bad manners to request PTO to go to the funeral of someone you don’t know, in such a way that people who did know them don’t get to go.”
“And, when confronted about it, to double down on how it’ll look good to management, rather than how much you wanted to go to pay your respects.” ~ MystifiedByPeople
“I dunno. A funeral is a difficult enough time for the family, often expensive and often involves catering of food, drinks, sometimes a venue to ‘celebrate’ the life of the departed.”
“Family are already overwhelmed with grief and sadness and now have to arrange an official send off. People that just rock up to the funeral of anyone they’ve heard of are imposing themselves.”
“Especially when it’s the funeral of someone old or sick that they never went anywhere near when they were still alive. I’m not having an official gathering-type funeral.
“My kids will have enough to worry about without all that. If anyone wants to get together for a drink or whatever down the track to talk about what a cold hearted b*tch I was, I’ll leave some $ to pay the bar tab that day.” ~ Same-Entry8035
“NTA. The fact that your coworker is using a FUNERAL to make himself ‘look good to upper management’ is disgusting and I hope your management realizes it.” ~ wanderingstorm
“OP, NTA. I would try to resolve this with your manager; if that’s not possible, call off. It’s completely nonsensical to require a staff member who was close to the deceased to remain behind.” ~ GenderIsNothing
“NTA. I can’t believe the brass neck of your coworker to insert himself into a funeral for someone he didn’t even know! I’d push for him to have to stay at the office and point out he did not even know the deceased.” ~ GenderIsNothing
“I honestly don’t think the issue is that he didn’t know the deceased. I’ve been to numerous funerals for people I didn’t know because funerals are really about supporting the surviving loved ones, and in each case I was very close with an immediate family member of the deceased.”
“What’s super gross here is that he admits he’s going because it’ll look good to the higher ups – not to support those who were close with the deceased. NTA.” ~ ReadySettyGoey
“My FIL died and my coworker insisted on going to his funeral. I was told I couldn’t go unless I could find a replacement. Tried to talk to coworker ( who barely knew him, met him a few times and complained about him).”
“Coworker literally said ‘I’m not missing out’. Like it was some party.”
“Eventually one of my FILs friends heard and volunteered to take my place so o could go (I was doing a reading and my husband was understandably devastated).”
“At the wake, coworker behaved atrociously, to the point my MIL and everyone else, complained. Coworker got blindingly drunk and tried to hit on other men attending (in front of her husband).”
“When confronted, the trainwreck said she was mad because she ‘wasn’t getting enough attention’. At someone’s funeral.”
“At that point I was so disgusted in her, and in my employers, that I started looking for a new job.”
“Funerals are for paying your respects. Not brown nosing or partying and networking. NTA.” ~ Tammary
“NTA. This is actually disgusting. Deceased coworker will have mourning family members there! Can you not explain to your boss that coworker didn’t even know him?”
“If he does attend, I hope he gets asked some awkward questions about how he knew him and how long they worked together etc…” ~ justinnocentmen
“NTA—it’s bad manners to go to a funeral of someone you don’t know, unless you have been specifically asked to attend by a friend/family member who needs you there for emotional support.” ~ GoldenAmmonite
“Frankly, the business itself is kind of the a**hole for not shutting down for two or three hours to allow everyone to pay their respects. You shouldn’t have to use PTO to go, it’s another a**hole move from the business.”
“As to the question, NTA. I think it’s kind of bold to not allow people who actually knew the deceased to attend, in favor of those who did not.”
“The manager should be smart enough to look at the roster and leave behind the person who was hired long after the deceased person retired. Instead, what OP got was a ‘Well, he asked first’ situation, and that’s some BS.” ~ Organized_Khaos
“NTA. The entitlement of your co-worker is just… wow! I can only hope that management see him for what he is and I hope you manage to get the time off for the funeral.” ~ BellaBear18
“NTA. I absolutely HATE people who make a big show of their grief to get attention when they barely knew the person.” ~ HappySummerBreeze
The OP provided an update:
“I just had a meeting with our local and regional managers. They understand my point of view, but asked me to use some maybe more diplomatic tone to voice it.”
“They will shut down the local office for a few hours on the day of the funeral so everybody who wants can attend.”
“The regional manager who also knew the deceased hinted that he also doesn’t like the grief tourism—I really liked this name—of this specific guy. He just isn’t allowed to voice it directly for HR reasons.”
While his coworker’s insincerity and motives are probably still maddening, at least the OP will get to attend the funeral.
And know that at least one manager is seeing through this coworker’s ploy to gain favor.