Grief is truly unpredictable.
As no one truly knows just how or when it will affect us.
We often find ourselves surprised by how we don't break down into hysterics when we lose someone truly near and dear to us.
Conversely, we might be utterly beside ourselves upon learning about the death of someone we hadn't given much thought to, day in and day out.
A colleague of Redditor Any-Can-2618 recently passed away unexpectedly.
The original poster (OP) was taken aback by this news.
It took the rest of the OP's colleagues by surprise as well, resulting in the OP receiving something of a cold shoulder at work.
Having some doubts and concerns about their behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for seemingly making my colleague's death about myself?"
The OP explained how their reaction to the death of a colleague did not go over well at their place of work:
"I am working in an office as my first job after college, but I intend to make it a temporary gig."
"I had to pass the desk of this fellow graduate to get to my own."
"It became a part of my daily routine to nod and occasionally chat about video games."
"Though we haven't talked more than a dozen times."
"Out of nowhere, we received an email over the weekend that he had collapsed and died."
"It was so sudden as he seemed perfectly healthy."
"That Monday morning felt so surreal to me."
"I didn’t know him well, but I had never experienced a young peer having their life cut short like that before."
"At that point, I only went through my grandparents' slow declines."
"But I told myself to remain quiet and respectful, as he had actual friends in the office who would be affected."
"As I walked my usual route, I saw his desk was covered in flowers and photos."
"It struck me that the smile I saw every morning was nothing more than a flat image, and that would never be reserved."
"For some reason, that ended up triggering a panic attack."
"I thought I had no right to have such a visceral reaction compared to the real grievers."
"So I bunkered down at my desk, put my head down and hoped it would go away."
"I kind of tucked behind a stone pillar, so I thought that would hide me."
"Despite my best efforts, people did notice my quiet tears and hyperventilating."
"Finally, I was forced to clean myself in the bathroom."
"Afterwards, my manager pulled me aside and gave me the option to have the day off."
"I took her up on the offer."
"During my hours off, I realized I was generally stressed and should finally use some of my holiday time."
"I took two extra days off and returned on Thursday."
"When I came back to the office, I realized a few co-workers were icy towards me."
"I approached a girl known for her honesty, and she explained it to me. Others felt I was posing as a 'grieving widow' for a virtual stranger and making my recent death about me."
"She said it was a bit strange that I took the three days off when I could have simply chosen to keep working Monday after my panic attack ceased."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for the way she grieved for her late colleague.
Everyone agreed that the OP was open and honest with their emotions, which she had no control over, and if this is the way their colleagues behaved, they might want to consider a different place of work:
"NTA."
"It sounds like other stuff was affecting you, and this was just the catalyst that made you lose it."
"That said, I recall being in a huge workspace (300 or so people, mostly in their 20s) and we lost a couple of people over the years, and some of the reactions from people were grotesquely maladjusted and selfish, which infuriated me."
"That said, I let it go as not everyone deals with things in the same way."- StuffOld1191
"NTA."
"Grief hits every one different."
"And just because you weren’t ‘close friends’ doesn’t mean you can’t be affected by their passing."
"As you said, this is your first peer death, and it does hit different to grandparents, etc."
"You didn’t make it about you, you had a reaction to the reality that you won’t see that person again and that death can come to anyone."
"That’s quite a double whammy!"
"You tried to be quiet and stay out of the way, and so what that you took some holiday days?"
"For all your colleagues know, something else came up that you needed the days for."- Asleep_Garage_146
"NTA."
"Your co-workers are AH."
"For all they know, you could have been friends with this person outside of work, you could be suffering with your mental health, you could have other things going on, and this had tipped you over the edge."
"You never know what is going on in somebody else’s life."
"I fell to pieces after I found out that an ex-coworker I didn’t even like had passed, the human mind can be so unpredictable!"-ParsleyChops
"NTA."
"Unexpected deaths can hit hard even without a close relationship."- Ok_Yard149
"NTA."
"Your coworkers are the sorts who cannot grasp that others cope differently than themselves."
"If someone dying is just another day for them, then why should it be different for you."
"Ignore them."
"Grieve as you see fit."- BrewertonFats
"NTA."
"Something similar happened to me twice when I was in college."
"The first was a person in my music class died very suddenly."
"I had never spoken to this person and honestly, didn't even know his name before this."
"But I had a similar surreal feeling when I heard the news, realizing that this person was my age and I felt like my life hadn't even begun."
"Even seeing my classmates who were close to him grieving really affected me, just thinking about how tragic and senseless this was."
"I didn't have a panic attack, but I did start crying, and I felt similarly guilty for having such an emotional reaction to someone I didn't know."
"The second was a student was murdered on campus in a nearby building."
"I knew this person even less than the first one, but it had a big impact on me and everyone on campus."
"Every time I passed by that building afterward, I would think about it."
"The university held a vigil for him, and lots of students who'd never spoken to him attended and had really emotional reactions."
"If this is the first time you've been confronted with a sudden death, it's understandable to have a strong emotional reaction and be unsure how to handle it."
"It's strange that your coworkers were upset about you taking a vacation, because that's the responsible thing to do versus showing up to work and having another emotional reaction."
"I would just continue work as normal, it's unlikely that any of your coworkers will mention it, and if they do, just say what you've said here, that you've never known someone who died so suddenly, and when you saw your coworker's desk, their absence had a big impact on you."
"But your coworkers are likely grieving in their own way, and their feelings about your reaction may be part of that, so I would give them the benefit of the doubt."- Any_Refrigerator6280
"NTA."
"A panic attack is an overwhelming sense of dread and can sometimes feel like you’re dying."
"You are literally coming to grips with your own mortality through the loss of a similar aged colleague."
"You cannot help that you felt that way and did the right thing by taking the time off."
"I’m so glad you prioritized your mental health to come back better."
"You don’t owe your coworkers anything, and you are allowed to grieve people you don’t know."
"You can recognize and respect their life also."
"You cannot be penalized for that."
"I’m glad you had the leave to take off."
"Be well."
"Sorry for your loss."- TinyAnywhere3908
"You said you're just out of college."
"So you're probably young, with that in mind I'm going to say NTA for now."
"But what happened here was a reflection of a shortcoming: you were unable to self sooth or maintain reasonable emotional boundaries and because of that you took someone else's hardship and made it yours."
"You made the people actually close with the deceased man uncomfortable because you stuck around for your breakdown in front of them."
"This is an inconsiderate thing to make a habit of."
"You will be the a**hole if you just keep doing that like it's normal, get some therapy if you can, or use online therapy resources for learning emotional processing if you can't."
"There are tons of free options online to look into.
"The "someone else' is the coworkers actually close with the deceased."
"My criticism is that OP is apparently driven to panic attacks by any reminder of mortality."
"This doesn't make them the asshole (which I say, explicitly).'
"But it is not a good thing, and they need to figure out how to process something like hearing about a death without a panic attack or how to get themselves somewhere safe and appropriate, because doing so at the office is one thing."
"But making it a habit means one day OP will be that guy who ends up being consoled by the bereaved due to their own lack of self-soothing."
"Stress and breakdowns happen."
"It does not make someone an a**hole to have them."
"But that does not mean every action that happens because of them is automatically ok."
"OP needed to recognize their reaction was not appropriate for the place and people around them and excused themselves or sought help from someone."
"As is, they stayed at their desk and had a breakdown in view of people closer to the dead person than they were until asked to leave."
"And that's not ok, but OP can learn and grow from this."- No-Sink-505
Had the OP been going on and on about how hard this colleague's death was for them and how it affected them, then they would have been making it about themselves to an extent.
This was not the case, however, and the OP merely had an honest, uncontrollable reaction.
Perhaps the manner in which the OP's coworkers are grieving has similarly affected their behavior.
Otherwise, the OP might want to seriously consider looking for a new job...
