Destination weddings used to be a fancy way to elope. Instead of going to the local courthouse, couples would jet off with maybe one or two people to an exotic locale for a private ceremony followed by a honeymoon in the same location.
But about the same time that bachelor and bachelorette parties became trips costing invitees thousands of dollars, destination weddings started expanding to include a full complement of bridesmaids, groomsmen, both families, friends, acquaintances, etc...
And the price tags for transportation and accommodations skyrocketed.
Which is all great if you can afford it. But the average person absolutely cannot, leading people to go into debt for someone else's wedding.
A sister turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after deciding she can't afford to attend her sister's destination wedding in Italy.
Throwaway917dty asked:
"AITA for telling my sister I can't attend her destination wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister 'Amy' is getting married in Italy this fall to her fiancé, Adam.' They’ve been together about three years and sent save-the-dates roughly 10 months in advance."
"Amy and I used to be really close. She even officiated my wedding. We would go on day trips together and talk often, but things changed after she started dating Adam."
"To keep it brief, Adam is very transactional and tends to judge people based on money and status. His family is wealthy, and he doesn’t think highly of my spouse and me, largely because of our financial situation. Over the past three years, my husband and I have gone through four major surgeries and both lost our jobs, which drained our savings. We’re actively trying to recover, but it’s been rough."
"Amy offered to help me attend by contributing $700 toward my travel, which I genuinely appreciate. But the total cost for flights, transportation, and passports is about $1,600 per person, so roughly $3,200 for both my husband and me. Even going alone would be extremely difficult financially, and I also have severe anxiety around travel that makes doing something like this solo really risky for me."
"Here’s where I’m struggling. Amy offered my other sister ('Sister 2') about $1,600 total to cover both her and her husband. Sister 2 is financially stable with a six-figure job. We live over 2000 miles apart. I know I’m not entitled to anyone else’s money, but it still hurt to learn that Adam didn’t even want to help me at all and only wanted to help her."
"For additional context, Sister 2 and her husband don’t even like Adam. They find him selfish and difficult. Adam also relapsed at our dad’s funeral, which made an already painful situation even harder for the family."
"He snuck multiple times downstairs into my late father's liquor cabinet and drank approx $200-$300 of liquor."
"Right now, I simply cannot afford to go. My savings are almost gone, I may need to take out a payment plan with the IRS for taxes, and the only way I could make this trip happen would be financing it at something like a 36% interest rate, which feels like a terrible financial decision when we’re trying to rebuild."
"I’m incredibly embarrassed and feel awful about this. I love my sister, and I’m worried that telling her I can’t attend will damage our already strained relationship, especially since we haven’t been as close recently, even during difficult times in my life."
"So AITA for telling my sister I can’t afford to attend her wedding?"
The OP later added:
"I haven't added more details about Adam, but you all seem to be picking up what I'm laying down here. He's not a good person."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"The action of not going to the wedding, as she's given me 10 months to save the money, and I still can't, so not going will cause a huge rift."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"The harsh likelihood is that Adam doesn’t want you there and either pressured Amy to offer a paltry amount as a performative gesture or she doesn’t care about you attending all that much. Rich people think their wealth is divine confirmation from the universe of their virtues and that poor people are poor because of character flaws and personal failings."
"The fact that they offered over double the financial aid to your other sister speaks volumes and maybe she’s not doing as well as you think but I think sometimes a spade is just a spade."
"Don’t go, absolutely do not take a 36% (!!!!) predatory usury loan for this. Buy her something off her registry, send her a nice card and give her your sincere regrets. NTA." ~ HuhWelliNever
"NTA for not attending. She chose to have a destination, and you simply cannot afford to go, even with the money offer." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"Please, please, please don't ever take out a finance loan at a rate of 36% interest. That's an unbelievably high rate that may set you back months if any random issues like a car breakdown come up and you can't pay it quickly."
"There is no reason to feel guilty. It's their wedding, so they are entitled to pick what happens, but if they are expecting people spend thousands of dollars to attend, they shouldn't expect everyone to be able to make it." ~ Bobthefreakygal
"I work a good FT job, but I'd be hard-pressed to cough up $3-4,000 for a wedding trip. Sometimes, you just can't do things."
"If your sister resents you for that, that's on her. You really can't do much about medical emergencies, which will cripple most people financially. NTA." ~ HotelAcrobatic4815
"NTA. A large risk people take with having destination weddings is a lack of attendance due to the cost of flights, accommodations, etc..."
"With your financial situation, it’s probably best that you don’t attend. A wedding is not worth taking out a loan and risking your finances. It’s also not worth spending that amount of money to watch her marry someone who 1.) doesn’t like you and your spouse and 2.) who is disliked by your family."
"I’m not going to lie, it will suck massively to miss her wedding and increase the strain on your relationship, but she’s TA if she can’t understand the burden of a destination wedding on the guests."
"I’m assuming you’re from the US. If you are not able to attend her wedding, it is not something to be embarrassed about. A majority of Americans would not be able to afford $3200 and the time off, even with 10 months' notice." ~ zookeeperintraining
"You can’t afford to go at this time in your life. It is kind of just that simple."
"No need to feel any other type of way about it or try to stress and figure things out."
"She is having the wedding she wants. Can’t deny her that."
"Wish your sister well!! Do not beat yourself up over this." ~ Sea-Supermarket-5971
"Wow, she offered you a whole $700. What a peach.
"This destination wedding conundrum comes up on Reddit about every, oh, 9 minutes or so. The answer is always the same."
"Anyone is free to choose to have a destination wedding if they like. However, that automatically comes with a caveat that anyone and I mean absolutely ANYONE right up to and including the mother of the bride may decline to go for absolutely ANY reason without generating any ill will or hard feelings."
"Or no reason whatsoever. 'I don't want to' is more than sufficient."
"And Adam sounds like a real treat. NTA." ~ LawyerDad1981
"NTA. Surely it’s no secret about both of your surgeries and job losses, so it should come as no surprise that you can’t afford to attend her wedding."
"And your sister should understand that. Do not put yourself in financial stress for this, you have enough to worry about." ~ Mentalcomposer
"NTA. When you have a destination wedding, the odds that people will be able to attend who would otherwise be there drop dramatically. Your sister surely knows this. If she doesn’t, she’s about to learn."
"Adam sounds like a real…so and so. He doesn’t have the right to judge you or anyone else. The harder pill to swallow is that Amy is perfectly fine with it, or else she wouldn’t be marrying him. It might be time to start loving her from a distance." ~ Whiteroses7252012
"NTA. Your sister is about to learn a hard life lesson, which is that being with the people who matter to you is priceless. She’s CHOOSING to have an expensive destination wedding KNOWING that her own family can’t afford it."
"That’s on her, not you. It’s one day. At the end of it, she’d be just as married if she’d gone to the local courthouse, only she’s choosing to let money exclude important people in her life." ~ NumbSurprise
People need to decide if they want the destination or participation.
The two aren't compatible unless the bride and groom want to pay everyone's way.
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