Destination weddings used to be a fancy way to elope. Instead of going to the local courthouse, couples would jet off with maybe one or two people to an exotic locale for a private ceremony followed by a honeymoon in the same location.
But about the same time that bachelor and bachelorette parties became trips costing invitees thousands of dollars, destination weddings started expanding to include a full complement of bridesmaids, groomsmen, both families, friends, acquaintances, etc...
And the price tags for transportation and accommodations skyrocketed.
Which is all great if you can afford it. But the average person absolutely cannot, leading people to go into debt for someone else's wedding.
A sister turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after deciding she can't afford to attend her sister's destination wedding in Italy.
Throwaway917dty asked:
"AITA for telling my sister I can't attend her destination wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister 'Amy' is getting married in Italy this fall to her fiancé, Adam.' They’ve been together about three years and sent save-the-dates roughly 10 months in advance."
"Amy and I used to be really close. She even officiated my wedding. We would go on day trips together and talk often, but things changed after she started dating Adam."
"To keep it brief, Adam is very transactional and tends to judge people based on money and status. His family is wealthy, and he doesn’t think highly of my spouse and me, largely because of our financial situation. Over the past three years, my husband and I have gone through four major surgeries and both lost our jobs, which drained our savings. We’re actively trying to recover, but it’s been rough."
"Amy offered to help me attend by contributing $700 toward my travel, which I genuinely appreciate. But the total cost for flights, transportation, and passports is about $1,600 per person, so roughly $3,200 for both my husband and me. Even going alone would be extremely difficult financially, and I also have severe anxiety around travel that makes doing something like this solo really risky for me."
"Here’s where I’m struggling. Amy offered my other sister ('Sister 2') about $1,600 total to cover both her and her husband. Sister 2 is financially stable with a six-figure job. We live over 2000 miles apart. I know I’m not entitled to anyone else’s money, but it still hurt to learn that Adam didn’t even want to help me at all and only wanted to help her."
"For additional context, Sister 2 and her husband don’t even like Adam. They find him selfish and difficult. Adam also relapsed at our dad’s funeral, which made an already painful situation even harder for the family."
"He snuck multiple times downstairs into my late father's liquor cabinet and drank approx $200-$300 of liquor."
"Right now, I simply cannot afford to go. My savings are almost gone, I may need to take out a payment plan with the IRS for taxes, and the only way I could make this trip happen would be financing it at something like a 36% interest rate, which feels like a terrible financial decision when we’re trying to rebuild."
"I’m incredibly embarrassed and feel awful about this. I love my sister, and I’m worried that telling her I can’t attend will damage our already strained relationship, especially since we haven’t been as close recently, even during difficult times in my life."
"So AITA for telling my sister I can’t afford to attend her wedding?"
The OP later added:
"I haven't added more details about Adam, but you all seem to be picking up what I'm laying down here. He's not a good person."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"The action of not going to the wedding, as she's given me 10 months to save the money, and I still can't, so not going will cause a huge rift."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"The harsh likelihood is that Adam doesn’t want you there and either pressured Amy to offer a paltry amount as a performative gesture or she doesn’t care about you attending all that much. Rich people think their wealth is divine confirmation from the universe of their virtues and that poor people are poor because of character flaws and personal failings."
"The fact that they offered over double the financial aid to your other sister speaks volumes and maybe she’s not doing as well as you think but I think sometimes a spade is just a spade."
"Don’t go, absolutely do not take a 36% (!!!!) predatory usury loan for this. Buy her something off her registry, send her a nice card and give her your sincere regrets. NTA." ~ HuhWelliNever
"NTA for not attending. She chose to have a destination, and you simply cannot afford to go, even with the money offer." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"Please, please, please don't ever take out a finance loan at a rate of 36% interest. That's an unbelievably high rate that may set you back months if any random issues like a car breakdown come up and you can't pay it quickly."
"There is no reason to feel guilty. It's their wedding, so they are entitled to pick what happens, but if they are expecting people spend thousands of dollars to attend, they shouldn't expect everyone to be able to make it." ~ Bobthefreakygal
"I work a good FT job, but I'd be hard-pressed to cough up $3-4,000 for a wedding trip. Sometimes, you just can't do things."
"If your sister resents you for that, that's on her. You really can't do much about medical emergencies, which will cripple most people financially. NTA." ~ HotelAcrobatic4815
"NTA. A large risk people take with having destination weddings is a lack of attendance due to the cost of flights, accommodations, etc..."
"With your financial situation, it’s probably best that you don’t attend. A wedding is not worth taking out a loan and risking your finances. It’s also not worth spending that amount of money to watch her marry someone who 1.) doesn’t like you and your spouse and 2.) who is disliked by your family."
"I’m not going to lie, it will suck massively to miss her wedding and increase the strain on your relationship, but she’s TA if she can’t understand the burden of a destination wedding on the guests."
"I’m assuming you’re from the US. If you are not able to attend her wedding, it is not something to be embarrassed about. A majority of Americans would not be able to afford $3200 and the time off, even with 10 months' notice." ~ zookeeperintraining
"You can’t afford to go at this time in your life. It is kind of just that simple."
"No need to feel any other type of way about it or try to stress and figure things out."
"She is having the wedding she wants. Can’t deny her that."
"Wish your sister well!! Do not beat yourself up over this." ~ Sea-Supermarket-5971
"Wow, she offered you a whole $700. What a peach.
"This destination wedding conundrum comes up on Reddit about every, oh, 9 minutes or so. The answer is always the same."
"Anyone is free to choose to have a destination wedding if they like. However, that automatically comes with a caveat that anyone and I mean absolutely ANYONE right up to and including the mother of the bride may decline to go for absolutely ANY reason without generating any ill will or hard feelings."
"Or no reason whatsoever. 'I don't want to' is more than sufficient."
"And Adam sounds like a real treat. NTA." ~ LawyerDad1981
"NTA. Surely it’s no secret about both of your surgeries and job losses, so it should come as no surprise that you can’t afford to attend her wedding."
"And your sister should understand that. Do not put yourself in financial stress for this, you have enough to worry about." ~ Mentalcomposer
"NTA. When you have a destination wedding, the odds that people will be able to attend who would otherwise be there drop dramatically. Your sister surely knows this. If she doesn’t, she’s about to learn."
"Adam sounds like a real…so and so. He doesn’t have the right to judge you or anyone else. The harder pill to swallow is that Amy is perfectly fine with it, or else she wouldn’t be marrying him. It might be time to start loving her from a distance." ~ Whiteroses7252012
"NTA. Your sister is about to learn a hard life lesson, which is that being with the people who matter to you is priceless. She’s CHOOSING to have an expensive destination wedding KNOWING that her own family can’t afford it."
"That’s on her, not you. It’s one day. At the end of it, she’d be just as married if she’d gone to the local courthouse, only she’s choosing to let money exclude important people in her life." ~ NumbSurprise
People need to decide if they want the destination or participation.
The two aren't compatible unless the bride and groom want to pay everyone's way.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp