Content Warning: Colorism, Racism
People need to be honest about what they will expect from their children before ever attempting to have them.
If their expectations amount to conditional love, they should reconsider whether they're meant to be a parent, argued members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor Skilled-ricer-816 had a conversation with her future husband about having children and what their hopes and dreams were for their kids.
When her future husband admitted that he'd be "uncomfortable" if their Mixed children had "darker skin," the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they were meant to have children together.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by telling my fiancé I'm reconsidering having kids with him because there is a chance they could have darker skin?"
The OP and her fiancé would have Mixed children if they ever had kids together.
"My fiancé (23 Male) and I (23 Female) were on the topic of having kids, which we later down the line very much plan to have."
"He is Mixed with Hispanic and white, and he is relatively pale, but he could tan well if he really tried."
"I, on the other hand, am Mixed with Black and white, so I have a nice caramel tone to my skin, which I love."
"I am very much his type in many aspects of looks, personality, common interests, etc."
The OP was surprised by her partner's expectations for when they had children.
"While on this topic of having children, I expressed that I always loved curly hair (which we both have around 3B curls), and I always wanted my children to have curly hair as well."
"He mentioned he could really care less but hopes our kids have his eyes, which are a green/hazel color, and they are beautiful!"
"I was explaining that it would be interesting to see how our kids turn out since recessive inheritance is a thing, and my mother is fully African American with beautiful, dark, glowing skin."
"I pointed out that it is totally possible for our kids to have kinky, curly hair, or blonde hair and blue eyes from my dad."
"Now… he expressed he would feel weird having a dark child (if the child got my mom’s gene of dark skin), and walking around feeling weird."
"I was really shocked he said that and mentioned we literally live in the 21st century where there are lots of parents walking around with kids having completely different skin tones, hair color, and texture from their own parents."
The OP wasn't sure if they should have children together anymore.
"Then I told him, 'That makes me feel uncomfortable if our kid potentially came out dark and you’re worried about what other people think?'"
"Now I’m asking myself and him if I should reconsider having kids, knowing this is a red flag for me… and could likely end our engagement."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some cautioned the OP against having children with her fiancé, since he'd clearly love them conditionally.
"Suppose you have two or more children with different skin tones. Will he favor the lighter one? The kid doesn't need to learn colorism from their own father." - Asagao47
"An acquaintance had this happen. Sounds similar to OP’s situation. She’s half Black and Hispanic with lighter skin, dad is Hispanic. Their first child had light skin, lighter than mom's. The second baby has dark skin, and dad heavily favored the first child and then suggested that the second child wasn’t his."
"She was so angry. Both kids are his. They’re now divorced." - bailasola
"I think there's a huge number of people out there who think a mixed race child will always look as if their parents' skin colours had been mixed in a pot, with the child looking like they're somewhere in the middle."
"No, that's not how genes work." - FryOneFatManic
"I wouldn't have children with him, because 'darker skin' is a very real possibility."
"I have cousins where the boys are blonde, blue-eyed, and the girls look full Native American."
"I also had a friend who was white-passing, pale, and blue-eyed and had really curly hair, while her sister was dark-skinned, and no one ever believed they were full-blood sisters. Genetics are crazy." - NoZookeepergame9552
"My dear, first of all, the way you describe yourself, your family, and your fiancé is sooo beautiful; like reading a poem but without sounding conceited. I bet you are a ray of sunshine on a dark day for everyone who has the luck to know you. I mean that."
"Which is why I need to tell you this: you don't need to reconsider having kids, you need to reconsider marrying your fiancé."
"He does not love you for you, which means also loving your family and everything you could pass on to your children, like empathy, kindness, warmth, and yes, your genes."
"Some people are beautiful on the outside and the inside; you are one of those people, but your fiancé is not. NOR." - velvety_chaos
Some also questioned how the fiancé felt about the OP's family.
"Man, I would instantly start wondering how he felt about my family. Her father would have had to walk around with a child with darker skin, and her mother with a child with lighter skin. Like, what do you think about them then?! How far does his uncomfortability make him?" - BlueberryWorth2269
"I totally get that-I’m pretty sure everyone has thought about what their child would look like if they had one, but it is a little concerning that OP’s fiancé wouldn’t want a child with a darker skin tone."
"I’m curious about the deeper reasoning besides how it would look. I’m white, but if I were to have mixed race children, I would definitely be concerned about their future (racism and colorism being the biggest concerns. I would especially be worried if I had a boy, given the way Black and Brown men are treated in the US)."
"Genetics are pretty wild. They are only 23, which to me is pretty young, but I think it’s a topic they need to explore further before deciding to have children." - CalligrapherCheap64
"My girl, you have a Black mother, and you’re asking yourself if you’re overreacting to your fiancé’s colorist comments because you’re scared this may end your engagement? You’re under reacting."
"F**k him and f**k your engagement! Stand up!! Don’t let anyone demean you!!! He just disrespected your mom and that whole side of your family!"
"I’ll say it for you since you can’t seem to wrap your head around it. You’re engaged to a colorist and you’ll be setting your kids up for emotional damage if you have kids for him."
"Don’t marry him. He’ll let his friends and family say reckless s**t to the kid who comes out dark and then dismiss how they feel about it when they bring up how hurt they are."
"You should’ve been utterly disgusted by his words. 'Light, bright, d**n near white' is what’s better to your fiancé. Read that sentence again. And let it sink in that your fiancé hates your Blackness."
"And stop trying to sell yourself a dream that he can’t be colorist or racist because you’re 'his type.' Talk to the Black side of your family and let them straighten you out since your fiancé’s behavior isn’t angering you enough." - Rose_Plum
"The hate coming from inside the house is very damaging."
"Mixed kids get it from every angle. Front, back, the sides and above. Not white enough to be white, not Black enough to be Black, not Hispanic enough to be Hispanic (add other combinations here), then having a racist parent on top of that!"
"Mixed kids can get it from all angles. OP needs to choose who she has babies with very carefully!" - West-Kaleidoscope129
But others felt that the OP might be just as conditional in her love as her future husband.
"As I was reading this post, I was trying to remember if my son's father and I ever had a discussion about his future looks! I don't think we did one single time. This whole thing came across as very shallow. I guess like attracts like." - BoBistie
"Lots of people calling out his colorism, but no-one calling out hers?"
"'Relatively pale,' 'nice caramel tone,' 'beautiful black glowing skin...' Sounds to me like you both need to pull your heads out of your a**es and stop thinking so hard about the color of your children’s skin."
"NOR, but you should take a long hard look in the mirror too, and realise beauty is more than skin deep." - Ok-Rule8061
"Both of you have issues you need to deal with before getting married or having kids. Children are not DOLLS you custom order. They are unique, beautiful individuals with their own wants, needs and perspective."
"Worrying about whose coloring or hair they get is incredibly immature and irresponsible, as you are setting themselves and YOU up for disappointment, which in turn can erode their self-esteem, self-love, etc., and set them up for a lifetime of poor decisions, self-image and more."
"YOR." - NoeTellusom
"You both sound like weirdos. Yeah, if you’re this obsessed with skin colour, please don’t have children."
"It sounds like you won’t love them if they aren’t the right colour. Heartbreaking. I really hope this post is rage bait because the thought that people are really this ignorant and small-minded is unbearable."
"YOR." - Flimsy_Shallot
The subReddit was disturbed by the conversation that the OP shared between her and her future husband about their hypothetical future children. Not only was this an extreme example of conditional love, but it screamed of colorism and racism.
Their children would face enough out in society; they didn't need to deal with the call coming from inside the house, too.
