White for weddings and for the bride only isn't a universal rule.
Different cultures have different traditions, but for places where a white dress is for the bride, anyone else wearing ond is either an ironic take the couple getting married have chosen to engage in.
Or it's someone being tacky, rude, and attention seeking.
A bride to be turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her mother decided to wear a white gown to her daughter's wedding.
Lonely-Big7902 asked:
"AITA for refusing to let my mom wear white to my wedding, even though she claims it's her 'last chance' to feel beautiful?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I just turned 23 and I'm getting married in October. My mom and I have always had what I would refer to as rocky relationship, especially since I got engaged."
"She's been oddly competitive, commenting on my body, comparing our rings, like we are in a competition, saying things like 'this day is as much about me as it is about you'."
"I honestly thought she was joking, until she showed me the dress she bought, a white, floor length gown that looks exactly like a bridal dress. And I I told her, flat out, she cannot wear that because in my opinion it doesn't match the occasion."
"She got quiet, then burst into tears, saying it's her, 'and this was an opportunity to feel beautiful before getting old' and that I'm selfish for not letting her have this one thing."
"I felt really bad about this, so I also offered to go shopping with her to find something elegant and more appropriate."
"And all of a sudden her countenance changed, and then she told me I was controlling and ungrateful."
"My dad is a story for another day. My mom is the only family I have now, and it breaks my heart that she wouldn't be at my wedding because of something so trivial."
"I don't know what to say to my in-laws as to why she won't come, especially because she's my only family."
"What gave me peace was that my fiancé backed me up, as did my maid of honor."
"Now my mom is threatening not to come to the wedding, and my aunt says I should just 'let her have this' to avoid drama."
"I don't think I'm wrong for drawing a line here, but now part of me wonders if AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I told my mom she can't wear a white, bridal-looking dress to my wedding, even though she says it's her last chance to feel beautiful."
"I might be the a**hole because I'm not compromising, and now she might not come to the wedding."
"Maybe I'm being too rigid or making it about control rather than kindness."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Your mother is extremely manipulative. Take her up on that offer to skip your wedding. NTA." ~ pudah_et
"I'm a mom and a grandma. No WONDER you have a rocky relationship. She's a narcissist who has you so damn gaslit you don't see the forest for the trees. Or the bridal for the gown."
"Don't let your aunt gaslight you either!"
"Frankly, if they're pulling sh*t like this now, I say don't invite either of them to the wedding. And be REALLY clear as to why."
"Because, no, MOM. This day is NOT as much about you as it is your daughter. What the actual f*ck?" ~ Realistic-Weird-4259
"The Aunt is the Flying Monkey. The one that defends and enables the narcissist. Some will even lie/attack/demean/dehumanize/gaslit on behalf of the narcissist. Crazymaking crap." ~ FeRaL--KaTT
"Spot on with this. Mom is a raging Narcissist. She's competing with her own daughter for the spotlight on her wedding day. I'd recognize this behavior anywhere - my own mother did it to me."
"Thankfully, the photographer pulled me aside and said 'Your mom is in a very tight, very low-cut dress... Would you like me to fake taking some pictures of her and really just keep her out of the shots?'
"And that worked! She thought she was the star of the show, but in reality there are maybe five pictures with her in them."
"I was so thankful because my mom had shown me the dress a few weeks before and I'd told her it wasn't appropriate. I knew as soon as the photographer came in, that she'd decided to wear it anyway."
"Aside from the fact I booked a garden wedding, and it RAINED all day, everything else was great! We actually just celebrated our 12yr. anniversary." ~ Discount_Mithral
"It's not her last chance, you can dress her in white at her funeral." ~ leginnameloc
"This is not her last chance to wear a wedding dress. It's her current opportunity to wear a wedding dress to a wedding."
"But it isn't her wedding, so it's totally inappropriate, and she has daily opportunities to wear a wedding dress when it's inappropriate for the occasion."
"She can wear it to the grocery store, to church, the zoo, a restaurant, a bar, on a flight or a cross country train ride—all equally inappropriate as wearing a wedding dress to her daughter's wedding."
"She just doesn't like your being the center of attention; that's why she wants to wear it."
"And not only would she look equally as foolish wearing a wedding dress to your wedding as she would wearing it to any of the above places, she would also look like she's jealous of her daughter and pathetically competitive with her."
"People will judge her as a person and as a mother." ~ ibuycheeseonsale
"NTA - Stop negotiating with her. Stop problem-solving for her. Set a clear boundary and hold the line."
"Tell her that a guest wearing white is inappropriate and that you would have her removed from the wedding if she does so. And call her bluff. 'I'm sorry you're unwilling to come. I'll let the guests know why'."
"And make sure you control the narrative. Tell the bridal party, 'My mom is not coming because I veto-ed her wearing a WHITE gown. If she shows up in white, please escort her back out as quietly and quickly as you can'."
"This is HER DECISION. Not a need. Not something to discuss and negotiate. She is making a decision to disrespect you. Time for a shiny spine OP." ~ Bingo_Bongo_85
"Take it from someone who didn't stop negotiating and problem solving, and a) didn't get the wedding I wanted and b) had their mother literally wear their wedding dress from their own wedding three months prior to their wedding. (It wasn't white, it was pale green, but there was a lot of overlap in guests so everyone knew anyway.)" ~ MiddlePop4953
"NTA. Has your mother always been this manipulative? You have no duty to let her upstage you at your own wedding just so she can feel 'beautiful'. What's next, she gets to take the honeymoon with your husband?" ~ GOPsucksA$$
"Not a single mother who is mentally and emotionally stable sees her child's wedding as her 'last chance to feel beautiful before getting old'."
"Stand your ground. She can either come to your wedding in an appropriate Mother-of-the-Bride dress and not center herself & her emotions OR she can simply not attend."
"Attending your wedding in a white gown/wedding dress is not an option for her. Inform her that security will see her out if she does so."
"With a mother like this, you will need to have solid boundaries in place and stick to them."
"I am sorry that you don't have a stable, unselfish, and kind mother in your life." ~ Helloreddit0703
"You have many petty options."
"Arrange for all the guests to wear white (don't tell mom)—invite people to don their wedding dresses to give 'everyone a chance to be pretty'."
"Choose a non-traditional dress color. Have all the bride's party in white and have a pink, blush, or blue gown."
"Hire security and when she tries to enter, have security politely explain she 'must have the wrong venue as there is a bride here already' act shocked and surprised she is also getting married!"
"Invite MIL to also wear a white formal gown, and act shocked when your own mother throws a fit for 'not being special'."
"Hire a clumsy friend to accidentally spill blue Kool-Aid, red wine, or mt dew down the back of her dress. Oops!"
"You can really get creative here." ~ Jane-Austen-101
"OP I'm telling you, do not let her come. You can look at my post history, my mom got married the weekend before me and then turned my wedding into her honeymoon."
"She will make everything about herself. I wish I had listened to all the people telling me to uninvite my mom."
"I was fully no contact for about 9 months, but a month ago I sent her a long email about all the terrible things she's done to me, and haven't heard back. She had been emailing me incessantly since that was the only thing I forgot to block her on."
"She was having her husband's relatives stalk my TikTok since it's not private, and I share some of my crochet projects there. And she hacked my sister's phone to see pictures of my daughter."
"The only thing she cares about is having access to my child. Everything she says is 'me me me', 'I'll never get this time back', 'nothing I did to you was so bad for you to be this cruel to me and keep my grandchild from me', blah blah blah."
"My guess is she couldn't cope with the facts from my email and is just writing me off as one of those kids that cut their parents off for no reason." ~ HortiWhore
If mom decides her desperate need for attention is more important than her child's happiness, it's probably best she sit this one out.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp