We should all be able to agree that the most important thing about a wedding is two people celebrating their love for one another and coming together to start their own family.
But sometimes a member of the wedding party gets too swept up in the aesthetics of the wedding instead of the ceremony itself, cringed the people in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit, and the problem isn't always the bride.
Redditor Glittering-Test-3763 was excited to get married, but she was becoming nervous because of all the comments her new family-in-law was making about her "intense" gray-blue eye color.
When they went so far as to suggest that she wear color eye contacts the day of the wedding to make the event more "inviting" for guests, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt and wasn't sure how to feel about the family's acceptance of her.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to wear colored contacts for my wedding because my fiancé's family thinks my natural eye color is 'too intense'?"
The OP had a very striking and unique eye color.
"I (28 Female) have naturally very light gray-blue eyes."
"It's something people have commented on my whole life. Some say they look striking, and others say they're a little 'unnerving.'"
"I never thought much of it until I got engaged to my fiancé (30 Male)."
She was surprised by how her fiancé's perceived her appearance.
"His family is very traditional, and recently his mom pulled me aside and kindly suggested that I wear colored contacts on my wedding day because my 'icy' eyes might look 'too intense' in the photos and that 'soft brown would be more elegant.'"
"I laughed it off, thinking it was a weird joke."
"But then my fiancé brought it up too, saying his family thinks it would look better if I went with a more 'warm and inviting' look for our wedding day."
"I told him absolutely not. I argued this is my natural eye color, and I'm not going to alter my appearance just to please his family."
The bride was surprised by how the family took her refusal.
"He said it's not a big deal and that he doesn't personally care, but he thinks I should do it just to 'keep the peace.'"
"Now his family is acting like I'm being difficult over something small, and my fiancé is frustrated that I'm turning this into an argument."
"But to me, it is a big deal. Why should I have to change something important about myself just because they don't like it?"
"AITAH for refusing?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her fiancé and future family should love her as she is.
"NTA. If he isn't accepting of your eye color, then he's not accepting all of you, which is what a spouse is supposed to do." - Embersolaris
"That's an insane ask. What's even crazier is that your fiancé went along with it. That's a gigantic red flag, OP…" - OceanBlueRose
"The OP wrote that her future husband 'said it's not a big deal and that he doesn't personally care.' But if that were true, he would have shut down his family, because this is just beyond ridiculous. Clearly, he DOES care, and he DOES think it's a big deal."
"Major red flags are being flown. NTA." - HarveySnake
"Your issue is less the in-laws and more the fiancé. Of anyone, he should be telling his family to back off. But instead, he wants you to change your actual eye color. What the f**k?!"
"NTA. But it's time to seriously reconsider marrying someone who doesn't support you and who wants to change your literal eye color, which is a key part of a person's identity, whether they're 'into appearances' or not. Huge red flag." - Beck2010
"'Sorry, I like who I am' or 'Sorry, I can't wear contacts.'"
"I cannot for the life of me wear them, so if anyone suggested I do so, especially for an asinine reason, I would have some very choice words and question who I was marrying."
"Your beau has no spine. Is this how you want your marriage to go? Where he doesn't have your back? NTA." - SteampunkHarley
"I've never heard of such an asinine request in my whole life, and I'm 70, lol (laughing out loud). The fact your fiance is agreeing is very disrespectful, as well."
"I would stick to my guns here, and if he doesn't like it, maybe the wedding should be postponed at the very least."
"I'm wondering if he acts like this about other things so disrespectfully."
"Good luck with this nonsense. NTA." - Chuck60s
Others pointed out other compromises the family would likely not be willing to make.
"Ask them (especially your spineless fiancé) if your future children are going to have to wear contacts their entire lives so as not to unnerve anyone?" - Sunshinerincess21
"NTA NTA NTA. Maybe your fiancé should look for a future wife with brown eyes and as s**tty of a personality as your future mother-in-law, since that seems to be what your fiancé desires (cringe). You deserve better. Please run." - Quiet-Application374
"If you even DARE think about getting color contacts, I demand that you get bright red ones! NTA." - bettesue
"No. Just No. Your partner is not defending you. This is a ridiculous ask."
"How about you inform your in-laws that the ugly sister has to wear a mask; the fat uncle has to stay out of pictures or get in the very back row, and the one with cancer has to wear a wig? These would be just as insane and heartless of asks."
"Although, I am not sure how you are going to disguise your MIL's nasty, entitled attitude."
"Why would she have any say whatsoever in your wedding? Your fiancé sucks. He needs to get a backbone and shut it down now. Why would you want to marry him; marry into this family? Is this the first time fiancé has behaved like this?" - ramc5
"I think you should tell your future MIL she needs to lose at least 20 pounds and color her hair to something more age-appropriate (like grey because she's old)... you know, for the wedding pictures."
"Honestly, you should rethink this relationship. If your eye color doesn't bother him, then he's a p**sy for being a momma's boy and taking her side in something totally stupid. And if your eye color does bother him you should dump him for being dishonest and an idiot. Either way is this really something you want?" - Whereswolf
Some agreed and urged the OP to rethink her relationship before getting married.
"Oh my God, are you really going to marry into this family of imbeciles? NTA." - BeachinLife1
"NTA. Your eye color is a part of who you are, and you shouldn't have to change it to appease your fiancé's family. It's disrespectful for them to suggest that your natural appearance is somehow 'unacceptable' for their wedding."
"Your fiancé should be supporting you and standing up for you instead of pressuring you to conform to his family's expectations. What will he expect you to conform to in the future?" - Willowstardream
"Ask them if they'd want their husbands to look into a different set of eyes and say, 'I do.'"
"Also, your fiancé is a coward if he's siding with them. Your future husband should be standing up for you and not backing down at a seriously critical moment in your relationship. NTA." - the_donk_god
"This is bonkers. Your fiance needs to start backing you up or I'd cut him loose."
"I have a friend who had a head of long wavy beautiful auburn hair. Her future MIL demanded that she put her hair in a very tight bun, color/cut her hair, or wear a brown wig! MIL was all about her golden child with brown hair and that GC was super jealous that (1) her brother was getting married before she did, (2) that my friend was very successful (and she wasn't), and (3) of my friend's attractiveness and striking hair."
"For some reason, the fiance's family focused on friends's hair and looks. Thankfully, her now long-term hubby told his mom and sister to pound sand. You deserve that, too, OP." - Catfish1960
"Honestly, life's too long to deal with this bulls**t. The fiancé doesn't understand his job is to shut. it. down. every. single. time."
"Unfortunately, you can't teach a guy to draw boundaries with an overbearing family. Clearly, he never has said no and OP will be expected to ALWAYS be the one caving to 'keep the peace.'"
"If the OP goes through with the marriage it'll be a lifetime of stupidity that will only get worse, especially if/when they have kids. Seriously, the constant stress and attempt to get mamma-boy to maintain some small bit of appropriate boundaries will shorten your life span."
"Give back the ring and walk away. He's not ready to grow up and be a competent spouse." - Lucky_Platypus341
While it's nice for everything on a wedding day to be beautiful and for the photos to turn out perfectly, it's no reason to sacrifice something like a person's true appearance.
If two people are marrying each other because they truly love each other, that should include how the other person looks, and that should remain apparent on their wedding day, not disguised. A wedding dress and tuxedo are not costumes, after all.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp