Planning big events and parties is not always easy.
There are so many details.
One issue that never seems to work out perfectly is the guest list.
That number often fluctuates and leaves people scrambling.
This is how loved ones get lost in the shuffle.
Redditor RemoveLivid7421 found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her dignity and her "friend's" birthday party, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for leaving my B[est] F[riend]'s B[irthday] P[arty] early because I was a B List guest?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29 F[emale]) have been good friends with 'Sally' (30 F) since we were 8 years old."
"We were inseparable throughout school, but we went to different colleges."
"I visited her a few times each year, she'd visit me, and we'd always meet up at Christmas and summer breaks."
"After we graduated, I moved about a 3-hour drive from where she moved to."
"We still caught up often."
"As normally happens, we established our new professional and social lives, drifted apart, but whenever we caught up, it was like no time had passed."
"We were there for each other whenever we needed it."
"When she got married at 25, I was a bridesmaid (I declined M[aid] O[f] H[onor] because I was concerned with the long commute, I couldn't do all the MOH duties required/expected)."
"She drove to my place to support me when my father had a stroke."
"I stayed with her when she found out her ex-husband had cheated and she filed for divorce."
"I always figured that even though life is taking us in different directions, we're always there for each other."
"Now to her birthday."
"She turned 30 last week and had a huge party this past weekend."
"Since it was a milestone birthday, she had it at a banquet hall, all catered, DJ, etc."
"It was at night, so I booked a hotel, drove up, and would drive back home the next day."
"When I arrived, I was ushered into a small room with 4 tables and about 10 other people."
"There was a portable TV on a trolley with a stream of the party in the bigger room."
"One of the guests told me Sally invited more than the main hall could accommodate, and she hoped that after a few people RSVP'ed no, we'd all fit in."
"But only 1 or 2 people RSVP'ed no, so the venue opened a second room for the excess guests."
"I saw in the stream new people arriving after I did, so I knew I was clearly relegated to the B-lister room and wasn't brought there because the main room was already filled up."
"So I left after 15 minutes and took my gift with me."
"The next day, as I was preparing to check out of the hotel, Sally called and asked why I didn't show."
"Apparently, she came to the leftovers room to mingle about 30 minutes after I left and noticed I wasn't there."
"I told her I did attend, but I didn't realize I'd be watching a stream of her party instead of attending it, which I could have done at home."
"She asked if I wanted to catch up for lunch, and I could give her my gift then, but I told her I needed to get back home because I had plans for the afternoon."
"Cue the Instagram story about how people who claim to love her don't show up, and she can't help that so many people wanted to celebrate her. "
"During my drive home, her mother left a voicemail that she was very disappointed in me."
"But I'm here like, 'I'm supposed to be one of your best friends, and I got the leftover experience.'"
"Did I overreact?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the AH here??"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"We planned our wedding in our backyard."
"I made a graph paper map of our yard to scale with cut-out scale tables that had tabs for how far the chairs pulled out."
"I did the math after rearranging my little models every kind of way, and had to reduce my guest list, as 75 people max could fit in my yard."
"I wanted my guests to enjoy celebrating WITH us, not just give us gifts."
"We wanted their presence; any presents were just a nice bonus."
"OP, your former friend has turned ridiculous." ~ alleecmo
"NTA. You don't overbook a party."
"You book a venue that can accommodate everyone. WTF?" ~ JadieJang
"She needs everyone to know how special she is by how many people are there."
"Run away from this girl, she will only get worse (take it from experience)."
"The fact she’s got her mum involved tells me she’s very happy to smear your character to people in her life and is demonstrating 0 insight into what she’s done."
"RUN away from this girl." ~ Front_Target7908
"You had an honest reaction to a deliberate seating arrangement."
"I think she's deflecting."
"And for what it's worth, whose 30th birthday is such an 'event' that it's held in a banquet hall?"
"NOBODY is THAT important, and the fact that she hosted it herself makes her a major narcissist."
"I would have been completely honest with Mother Dearest, too: 'Were you there, Sally's Mom? If so, were you an A-list guest, or an also-ran, like me?'"
"'Don't tell me how to feel, because that would be fake.'"
"'I truly feel crushed that our friendship disintegrated to the point that I'm no longer part of her actual life; I just get to watch pictures of it.'"
"'So, no, Sally's mom. You can't tell me how I'm supposed to feel because how I really feel is my reality.'"
"'And she's lucky I don't send her a bill for my hotel and travel costs.'"
"OP, don't take this personally."
"Friendships fluctuate."
"My bestie had a surprise party thrown for her, and we've been friends since our early 20s."
"Then, she went to college."
"She seated all my family together, and she and her college friends occupied a different table."
"She was very clear that this was so everybody could sit with someone they knew."
"At that point, I realized the 'bestie' delegation was all on me."
"She had moved on."
"And what's REALLY funny is that we did stay friends."
"And after 40 years, she has again designated me as her best friend, and she rarely, if ever, speaks to her college group."
"I'm the one who gets to 'pull the plug' should the decision need to be made." ~ Tight_Steak_232
"I'm sorry - you're all THIRTY, and the MOM is calling to shame you?!"
"Beyond nope." ~ msthatsall
"If her mom was really like a second mom to you, then she should be able to recognize that her daughter is in the wrong and would side with you."
"However, I assume, like most mothers, she will just take her actual daughter’s side, showing how weird it is that a 30-year-old woman’s mother called to fix her interpersonal issues." ~ qazesz
"RUN from these people."
"This is sociopathic behavior. "
"Do not waste any more of your life around such disgusting behavior."
"A 30-year-old making people show up just to watch a live stream of their party from outside?"
"And being passive-aggressive on social media when they don't??"
"You shouldn't even tolerate mild passive aggressiveness in any form at this age, let alone the rest of this behavior."
"Refuse to humor any of this nonsense unless she can own up to and apologize, NOT EXPLAIN, BUT APOLOGIZE for all of it, the arrangement, the post, and her mother calling you."
"And even if she does, keep her at arm's length."
"You deserve better friends."
"I see why that marriage ended with her husband with someone else." ~ BobcatFun9055
"NTA here, she had the nerve to ask to go to lunch so you could give her your gift? Seriously?"
"Has she always treated you like this, or is this the first time you truly noticed?"
"Then for her mother to get involved?"
"OP, sometimes people grow, sometimes they don't."
"As we grow, we see that some relationships are not worth our time here on earth."
"You just realized this."
"Best response, block them, treasure the people who do invite you, and don't usher you into a 'side room' of the main event."
"Appreciate that you want to be part of their lives." ~ Adventurous-Emu-755
"Definitely NTA, but if it’s not normal behavior for her, maybe there should be another conversation?"
"At least for closure."
"Maybe there was other stuff going on that caused her to do this?"
"Doesn’t excuse her behavior at all. It wouldn’t be a friendship I would want to salvage, but I would want to know if there was more to the story." ~ kpawesome
"NTA. Send her a link to a stream of her present being unboxed, so she can watch it whenever she wants." ~ Most_Life_1612
"She can f**k all the way off."
"Clearly, she cares more about your gift than you."
"You don't need a 'friend' like this. NTA." ~ sylviaca
"NTA. She should be the one apologizing."
"You drove 3 hours."
"Booked and stayed at a hotel."
"You put in a lot of effort to be there and to support her."
"I would have left as well." ~ My_Sunflower_05
Reddit is with you, OP.
Sally's behavior is shocking.
Even if you weren't best friends... who has a "leftover" room?
That would make anyone feel bad.
You put yourself first.
Good for you!
