Some childhood wounds never fully heal.
There is no law saying one has to forgive and forget.
These emotions color a lot of relationships between kids and their parents.
Redditor Lucky_Purpose_7362 found himself in a personal dilemma regarding the way he had to fund college because of his parents, so he turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"AITAH for refusing to support my parents in old age after they refused to fund my college despite being able to?'"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29 M[ale]) come from a collectivist, family-centric Asian society. "
"However, I’m a single child of relatively individualistic parents whose views are heavily influenced by Western media (movies, shows, etc.)."
"Growing up, this had pros and cons."
"They didn’t follow any superstitions and respected my privacy much more than most parents."
"Here, higher education is extremely expensive and competitive."
"You can’t just start working part-time to fund studies because academics demand your entire day."
"It usually takes years of parents’ savings for their child's college."
"I’d say 99% of parents willingly fund their child’s college."
"In return, children are expected to take care of their parents later till last breath."
"Financially, physically, and emotionally."
"It’s very common for adults to live with their parents."
"Moreover, things like old-age homes are in poor condition here."
"I come from an upper-middle-class family."
"When I was 18, our household income was in the top 10% nationally, and I’m their only child."
"Even families earning much less, and with multiple kids, usually manage to fund education."
"I performed well in my final year of high school."
"Wanted to pursue engineering (the most common here), which required a significant financial investment. Based on my parents’ income, assets, and lifestyle, paying for it wouldn’t have been a major burden for them."
"But they refused."
"Their reasoning was things like 'self-growth,' 'becoming independent,' and 'learning to be strong early.'”
"This is extremely unusual and impractical here; people would get kinda shocked whenever they hear my story."
"A couple of my close friends would straightforwardly say that my parents are stupid."
"Expressions of many elders suggested the same."
"Because of no financial support, I had to attend a much lower-ranked college, as they offered me 100% scholarship."
"No student with my academic results would normally go there."
"College prestige matters a lot in our job market, and this decision significantly impacted my career trajectory."
"I basically had to grind non-stop much harder for a decade and sacrificed my 20s to reach a stable position."
"Now the situation has flipped."
"My dad is retired, and my mom is about to retire. "
"They’ve started expressing that they’re getting older and will need emotional and physical support."
"Since I work in the same city, they need me to live with them."
"They raised me with a very 'Westernized' mindset (at least their version of it), where kids become independent early."
"There’s also a perception in their mind that in the West, kids are cut off from parents at 18."
"They treated me with an extreme version of that, but now expect traditional Asian-style support from me."
"I find that very hypocritical."
"I currently live separately, visit them maybe once every 6 months, and remain emotionally distant."
"My mom now compares me to other kids in our social circle who are very supportive of their parents."
"Every time, I remind her that those kids were supported by their parents, too."
"I’ve even told her to consider an old-age home in the future if things get difficult, because I won't take care of them."
"Just like a Western parent-child relation, they've in their mind."
"There is literally no one else in my social circle who went through this."
"No 18-year-old would get a loan alone."
"And nobody employs such young guys here, unless it's a full-time job that pays just bare minimum to survive, forget college funds."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"Sounds like their first lack of insight was not investing in their support in old age, when they had the chance."
"NTA. They decided to go 'western', now they have a 'western' future to look forward to."
"I'm in Western Europe, by the way."
"Parents generally pay for their kids' universities or college, including costs of living and most of their spending money."
"All students have to work for, if anything, is money to go out for drinks."
"So your parents REALLY cheaped out, even on their 'western mindset'." ~ Special_Lychee_6847
"American here."
"Grew up poor."
"Joined the military to pay for college."
"My mom had me live at home while I was going to community college."
"I had to pay for my gas and car insurance, and sometimes pay the rent."
"Parents paying for everything is a big privilege that not all Americans get." ~ oldtimehawkey
"NTA. Hello cousin, I went through the African version of this... lol."
"Picking and choosing from both cultures based on what benefits them more in any given scenario is flat out wrong and a trend many immigrant families have fallen into."
"I’m also a single child, also visit twice a year, so I can understand your circumstances very well."
"You’re absolutely NTA for not wanting to support them later in life, it’s them that broke that chain - not you!" ~ getoutmywayatonce
"NTA, but what happened to all the money they saved by not sending you to college?"
"Did they just spend it?" ~ Suckerforcats
OP responded...
"They need my emotional and physical support more than financial. "
"As I've mentioned, we're a family-centric society, and my parents feel very lonely since I've gotten so distant from them and are scared of old age too."
"Their energy level is going down, and there's a wild perception here that a nurse doesn't take care as well as a family member."
"Moreover, they're kinda uncertain about their future financially as well."
"Used a big part of their savings without proper knowledge, which turned out to be a bad decision."
"Basically bought a local shop, rented it without knowing tenant-owner laws, and now stuck with an a**hole tenant who doesn't pay.)"
Reddit continued...
"NTA. Learn to set boundaries."
"You can have a relationship with them without supporting them."
"When they complain and try to guilt you, just remind them that you are not in the same position as the children in their social circle, because your college was not paid for." ~ NotUniqueScott
"OP can try to set boundaries, but I have a strong suspicion that his parents are the type to incessantly revisit a discussion until they get what they want."
"OP can try to tell them that he is unwilling to discuss it, and end the conversation if they persist, but at some point, OP has to question what he gets from maintaining a relationship with people who are guilt-tripping him into financial submission."
"If OP’s parents respect his boundaries, then I’ll eat my words."
"But the current description of his parents makes me think they won’t take 'no' for an answer." ~ Talk-O-Boy
"NTA. F**k them."
"Honestly, and I hope you frame it in such a way that has them understanding that this is a repercussion of their choices, and in no way should this be labeled as a moral lapse or vindictive decision."
"They made a choice, this is the result."
"If they couldn't fund your college education, perhaps they should have squirreled away a little more for retirement."
"I want to congratulate you for busting your a**, for getting a good education, and for cultivating enough resilience to make it in the world."
"That's amazing."
"I wish you nothing but the best moving forward." ~ Deer_Jerky86
"NTA. My parents are both Western and expect me to take care of them as they get older, despite not helping with my college."
"My dad was making an obscene amount of money (roughly $200k when I started college, $250k when I graduated, which I know because I had to do the FAFSA application (USA) that requires parental finances)."
"He could have paid for my entire education, and my sister’s, with just 1 year of his salary."
" But they chose not to so that I would 'take college seriously' (as if I wasn’t a straight A student going into engineering)."
"They also never saved a dime leading up to our college."
"Despite the fact that all they ever pushed was 'go to a name-brand college - not a state (aka cheaper) school that’s only for morons!'”
"It has crippled me financially because I graduated into the 2008-9 crash, and my new path just couldn’t succeed with the crushing amount of debt I owe and the choices it prevented me from making."
"For example, if I could have bought a house, I wouldn’t be spending $2,800/mo on rent."
"I told my mom to plan on a nursing home because I only get paid if I work, so I won’t have time to help. 🤷🏼♀️." ~ LilithOG
"I’m so angry for you!"
"No, they already chose their path and the consequences that go along with it."
"You owe them only what they gave you, which isn’t much."
"Personally, I’d go N[o] C[ontact] because you aren’t really painting a picture of a family that you get any joy from."
"If I were feeling particularly petty, I’d say, 'Well, I’d love to, but because I didn’t have the support your friends kids did, my income potential is far less, so I don’t think I’ll be able to afford that. Besides, I know how much you value self-growth, and this is a wonderful opportunity for you to practice that.'”
"Either way, no matter what you do, you are NTA in this situation." ~ First-Stress-9893
Sorry you've had to endure so much, OP.
You have to put your own health and sanity first.
Maybe in time, you can build a bridge with them, on your terms.
Good Luck.
