Some childhood wounds never fully heal.
There is no law saying one has to forgive and forget.
These emotions color a lot of relationships between kids and their parents.
Redditor Lucky_Purpose_7362 found himself in a personal dilemma regarding the way he had to fund college because of his parents, so he turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
"AITAH for refusing to support my parents in old age after they refused to fund my college despite being able to?'"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29 M[ale]) come from a collectivist, family-centric Asian society. "
"However, I’m a single child of relatively individualistic parents whose views are heavily influenced by Western media (movies, shows, etc.)."
"Growing up, this had pros and cons."
"They didn’t follow any superstitions and respected my privacy much more than most parents."
"Here, higher education is extremely expensive and competitive."
"You can’t just start working part-time to fund studies because academics demand your entire day."
"It usually takes years of parents’ savings for their child's college."
"I’d say 99% of parents willingly fund their child’s college."
"In return, children are expected to take care of their parents later till last breath."
"Financially, physically, and emotionally."
"It’s very common for adults to live with their parents."
"Moreover, things like old-age homes are in poor condition here."
"I come from an upper-middle-class family."
"When I was 18, our household income was in the top 10% nationally, and I’m their only child."
"Even families earning much less, and with multiple kids, usually manage to fund education."
"I performed well in my final year of high school."
"Wanted to pursue engineering (the most common here), which required a significant financial investment. Based on my parents’ income, assets, and lifestyle, paying for it wouldn’t have been a major burden for them."
"But they refused."
"Their reasoning was things like 'self-growth,' 'becoming independent,' and 'learning to be strong early.'”
"This is extremely unusual and impractical here; people would get kinda shocked whenever they hear my story."
"A couple of my close friends would straightforwardly say that my parents are stupid."
"Expressions of many elders suggested the same."
"Because of no financial support, I had to attend a much lower-ranked college, as they offered me 100% scholarship."
"No student with my academic results would normally go there."
"College prestige matters a lot in our job market, and this decision significantly impacted my career trajectory."
"I basically had to grind non-stop much harder for a decade and sacrificed my 20s to reach a stable position."
"Now the situation has flipped."
"My dad is retired, and my mom is about to retire. "
"They’ve started expressing that they’re getting older and will need emotional and physical support."
"Since I work in the same city, they need me to live with them."
"They raised me with a very 'Westernized' mindset (at least their version of it), where kids become independent early."
"There’s also a perception in their mind that in the West, kids are cut off from parents at 18."
"They treated me with an extreme version of that, but now expect traditional Asian-style support from me."
"I find that very hypocritical."
"I currently live separately, visit them maybe once every 6 months, and remain emotionally distant."
"My mom now compares me to other kids in our social circle who are very supportive of their parents."
"Every time, I remind her that those kids were supported by their parents, too."
"I’ve even told her to consider an old-age home in the future if things get difficult, because I won't take care of them."
"Just like a Western parent-child relation, they've in their mind."
"There is literally no one else in my social circle who went through this."
"No 18-year-old would get a loan alone."
"And nobody employs such young guys here, unless it's a full-time job that pays just bare minimum to survive, forget college funds."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"Sounds like their first lack of insight was not investing in their support in old age, when they had the chance."
"NTA. They decided to go 'western', now they have a 'western' future to look forward to."
"I'm in Western Europe, by the way."
"Parents generally pay for their kids' universities or college, including costs of living and most of their spending money."
"All students have to work for, if anything, is money to go out for drinks."
"So your parents REALLY cheaped out, even on their 'western mindset'." ~ Special_Lychee_6847
"American here."
"Grew up poor."
"Joined the military to pay for college."
"My mom had me live at home while I was going to community college."
"I had to pay for my gas and car insurance, and sometimes pay the rent."
"Parents paying for everything is a big privilege that not all Americans get." ~ oldtimehawkey
"NTA. Hello cousin, I went through the African version of this... lol."
"Picking and choosing from both cultures based on what benefits them more in any given scenario is flat out wrong and a trend many immigrant families have fallen into."
"I’m also a single child, also visit twice a year, so I can understand your circumstances very well."
"You’re absolutely NTA for not wanting to support them later in life, it’s them that broke that chain - not you!" ~ getoutmywayatonce
"NTA, but what happened to all the money they saved by not sending you to college?"
"Did they just spend it?" ~ Suckerforcats
OP responded...
"They need my emotional and physical support more than financial. "
"As I've mentioned, we're a family-centric society, and my parents feel very lonely since I've gotten so distant from them and are scared of old age too."
"Their energy level is going down, and there's a wild perception here that a nurse doesn't take care as well as a family member."
"Moreover, they're kinda uncertain about their future financially as well."
"Used a big part of their savings without proper knowledge, which turned out to be a bad decision."
"Basically bought a local shop, rented it without knowing tenant-owner laws, and now stuck with an a**hole tenant who doesn't pay.)"
Reddit continued...
"NTA. Learn to set boundaries."
"You can have a relationship with them without supporting them."
"When they complain and try to guilt you, just remind them that you are not in the same position as the children in their social circle, because your college was not paid for." ~ NotUniqueScott
"OP can try to set boundaries, but I have a strong suspicion that his parents are the type to incessantly revisit a discussion until they get what they want."
"OP can try to tell them that he is unwilling to discuss it, and end the conversation if they persist, but at some point, OP has to question what he gets from maintaining a relationship with people who are guilt-tripping him into financial submission."
"If OP’s parents respect his boundaries, then I’ll eat my words."
"But the current description of his parents makes me think they won’t take 'no' for an answer." ~ Talk-O-Boy
"NTA. F**k them."
"Honestly, and I hope you frame it in such a way that has them understanding that this is a repercussion of their choices, and in no way should this be labeled as a moral lapse or vindictive decision."
"They made a choice, this is the result."
"If they couldn't fund your college education, perhaps they should have squirreled away a little more for retirement."
"I want to congratulate you for busting your a**, for getting a good education, and for cultivating enough resilience to make it in the world."
"That's amazing."
"I wish you nothing but the best moving forward." ~ Deer_Jerky86
"NTA. My parents are both Western and expect me to take care of them as they get older, despite not helping with my college."
"My dad was making an obscene amount of money (roughly $200k when I started college, $250k when I graduated, which I know because I had to do the FAFSA application (USA) that requires parental finances)."
"He could have paid for my entire education, and my sister’s, with just 1 year of his salary."
" But they chose not to so that I would 'take college seriously' (as if I wasn’t a straight A student going into engineering)."
"They also never saved a dime leading up to our college."
"Despite the fact that all they ever pushed was 'go to a name-brand college - not a state (aka cheaper) school that’s only for morons!'”
"It has crippled me financially because I graduated into the 2008-9 crash, and my new path just couldn’t succeed with the crushing amount of debt I owe and the choices it prevented me from making."
"For example, if I could have bought a house, I wouldn’t be spending $2,800/mo on rent."
"I told my mom to plan on a nursing home because I only get paid if I work, so I won’t have time to help. 🤷🏼♀️." ~ LilithOG
"I’m so angry for you!"
"No, they already chose their path and the consequences that go along with it."
"You owe them only what they gave you, which isn’t much."
"Personally, I’d go N[o] C[ontact] because you aren’t really painting a picture of a family that you get any joy from."
"If I were feeling particularly petty, I’d say, 'Well, I’d love to, but because I didn’t have the support your friends kids did, my income potential is far less, so I don’t think I’ll be able to afford that. Besides, I know how much you value self-growth, and this is a wonderful opportunity for you to practice that.'”
"Either way, no matter what you do, you are NTA in this situation." ~ First-Stress-9893
Sorry you've had to endure so much, OP.
You have to put your own health and sanity first.
Maybe in time, you can build a bridge with them, on your terms.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp