The idea of visiting one's in-laws results in a different reaction from everyone.
Some people love their in-laws as much or more than their own family, and thus can't wait to spend time with them.
For others, there is truly little anyone would want less.
The husband of Redditor wrenchinapot wanted to visit his parents over the summer.
Something the OP was vehemently against.
So much so, that she even went so far as to tell her husband he could go alone, but she would not be joining him.
After her husband called her selfish, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here? (AITAH)"
Unlike the similar “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for refusing to visit in laws bc of house temp?"
The OP explained why she had no intention of visiting her in-laws this summer:
"My (36 F[emale]) husband’s (37 M[ale]) family lives out of state."
"We are in the DC area and they live in southern Mississippi."
"Every summer, we spend two weeks visiting."
"My in laws are great, except for one thing."
"They keep their house (in the summer) at 80 degrees."
"It’s unbearable."
"I do not sleep."
"It makes me nauseous."
"If I try to ask for more AC, they oblige for 10 minutes then complain about being too cold."
"My husband is also miserable, but he deals with it."
"Tonight, I told him he’s more than welcome to visit this summer, but I will not be joining him."
"It’s not relaxing for me."
"I do not want to use my vacation time to be miserable for two weeks."
"He got upset and said spending time with his family and his wife together is important to him."
"He said I was being selfish (I am being selfish, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing here)."
"I explained I understand that, but unless we can stay in other accommodations (like a hotel) or if his parents agree to make the interior cooler for the visit, I will stay behind."
"Of course, he wants to stay with his family."
"But he won’t say anything to them about the temperature."
"This upset me. I told him part of being married is watching out for the wellbeing of your partner and of course it escalated."
"It would be difficult for them to travel to visit us, especially for two weeks."
"They do visit us, and we see them multiple times a year. Husband’s relationship with my family is great."
"My family lives closer, so it’s easy to spend a weekend with them here and there."
"It seems like such a trivial issue, but it can be unbearable getting minimal sleep, sweating all the time, with no relief for 14 days straight."
"So have at it."
"AITAH for not visiting my in-laws until something changes?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that it would not be wrong for the OP to skip visiting her in-laws.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP should not have to endure the scalding heat, and her husband should be more willing to make a compromise:
"NTA."
"Sucking up all your vacation time to spend with your in-laws in Mississippi is absurd."
"Being hot, sick, and uncomfortable for two weeks is also ridiculous."- geekgirlwww
"Stay at a hotel."
"Let's you do shorter visits or meet up at more temperature-normal locations."- gymratt17
"NTA, and staying at a hotel is an extremely fair compromise."
"If your husband would prefer staying at his parents' while you get the hotel to yourself, even better!"
"Keep firm on your limits, here."
"It's not fair that he's too chicken to speak up for himself and expects you to suffer for two weeks because of it."- holyflurkingsnit
"NTA."
"This is absolutely unbearable."
"My in-laws are the same."
"They have central AC but they KEEP IT OFF and it’s 80 degrees."
"I’m pregnant, and we have a toddler and are not going back to their terrarium ever again lol."
"They at least put portable units in bedrooms though for guests."
"Maybe that could be a compromise?"
"But as soon as you walk out of your room, you’ll be miserable."- glassyrunnerduck
"My grandparents were like that when they hit 85 years old."
"I remember being at their house in the upper Midwest in January and sleeping with the window open."
"Can you store a portable air conditioner at their house?"
"And use it in your bedroom at night."
"NTA though."
"Two weeks is too long to be that miserable."- Ok-Refrigerator
"Are they older people?"
"Sometimes older people in the South keep their AC set at that temperature to prevent from having an expensive electricity bill."
"Older people normally get cold fast, even in the summer."
"My dad wore a jacket in the house during the summer."
"He stayed cold."
"NTA."
"I'M IN LOUISIANA, AND IT'S HELLA HOT HERE."- ConsiderationMean781
"NTA."
"If being with his parents and wife at the same time is important to him, he should speak up about his wife's needs and insist that they be accommodated."
"Instead, what he is saying is that he would rather you are miserable, sleepless, and nauseated, so he can avoid the discomfort of setting a boundary with his parents."
"Do you think their real motivation for keeping it warm is financial?"
"Would it be helpful if you two offered to contribute a few hundred bucks to the electric bill during your visit?"- Slight_Citron_7064
"A reasonable compromise was the hotel, but your partner doesn't want to be responsible."
"NTA."- Dull-Problem-1191
"I get hot SO fast and have this problem with my in-laws' house."
"When they have the oven on, and people are crowded in the house, it gets hot easily."
"My MIL doesn’t mind the heat at all, so doesn’t realize it most of the time."
"I do."
"All her kids are used to it, but I can’t hide when I’m hot, I literally get overstimulated."
"My 3-year-old and I get super red cheeks when we get hot, so they’ve started to crank the AC lol."
"Thankfully, they try to fix it as soon as they realize, and apparently, before me, everyone just stuck it out."
"No clue how."
"All this to say, I don’t blame you one bit."
"I would not stay there either."
"NTA at all in my books."- HereFromFB
"I could NOT sleep in those conditions, and I also would refuse."
"Your husband needs to stand up for you."- ClassyBroad33
"Do you have to visit in the summer?"
"When do you guys visit your parents?"
"How about a hotel?"
"You DON'T have to sleep in their too hot house."
"NTA."- Wide-Chemistry-8078
"NTA."
"They make hotels for a reason."
"Stay at one and visit during the day."- K_A_irony
"NTA."
"You're offering alternatives and 80° is too damn hot to be comfortable."- Old-Current6989
"Had to Google what that is in Celsius to come to a judgment and NTA."
"That’s 26.7 degrees celsius!"
"Elderly people can prefer things a bit on the warmer side sometimes, but that is nuts for indoors at night trying to sleep."- CoconutSylveon
"I have fibromyalgia, and the heat makes it worse."
"I would be in so much pain I can not even fathom being there for longer than a day."
"You don’t have an in-law issue."
"You have a husband issue."- Mrs_A_Mad
"Go for a shorter period and stay at a hotel."
"NTA 80° is hellish for sleep."
"That’s madness."- SundaePasta
"NTA."
"Hotel or AirBnb is a great compromise."
"If he can't compromise, then he can go alone."
"80 is too hot in the south."
"I have been there and know that feeling."- CSurvivor9
"NTA."
"Staying 2 weeks with your in-laws would be maddening even if the home was kept at a reasonable temperature."
"I would do a shorter visit, stay in a hotel, and your husband can stay longer and at their home if he wants."
"It also gives you more of a vacation to relax and some separation."- PuzzledNinja5457
"80 degrees is insane."
"NTA."- Stock-Cell1556
"NTA."
"And do you like taking a two-week vacation to South Mississippi every year?"
"Do you ever want to take two-week vacations elsewhere (and do you)?"
"Can you, or does this two-week visit to his parents always deplete your vacation days/time?"
"That would be something that would bother me, personally."
"I personally would not want to use that amount of vacation every year to go to the same place, but that’s me."
"If you’re fine with it and the temperature your in-laws keep their house at is the only problem, I still think you’re fine to say either you both stay at a hotel or he goes alone."
"Or maybe if the visits are shorter in duration (like a long weekend), it might be a little more tolerable or friendly on the wallet."- ourlittlevisionary
Temperature is a matter of personal preference, as everyone reacts differently to extreme heat or cold.
With many people having trouble functioning in extreme heat, the OP is one of them.
Perhaps the OP's in-laws could invest in some new sweaters ahead of their next visit?
At least if they ever want the OP to visit them again...
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.