It's very easy to rush to judgment on someone.
Something we've all been guilty of.
Be it owing to their profession, their appearance, or their personality, people will far too often dismiss someone without ever getting to know them.
On some occasions, however, people's assumptions about others will prove to be more than accurate.
Redditor Living-Blacksmith916 was planning a speedy, last-minute wedding, to which her brother was permitted to bring a plus one.
A plus one that the original poster (OP) did not want in attendance at her wedding.
When the OP told this to her brother, he took the news with anything but understanding.
Worried she may have been unfair, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for asking my brother not to bring a cam girl as his plus-one to my wedding?"
The OP explained why she drew the line with her brother's intended plus-one:
"I (29 F[emale]) am getting married in April."
"The wedding is a bit short notice as my fiancé only proposed in December, but we chose April as we got a really good price for our dream wedding venue."
"We are offering plus-ones for our single guests."
"My brother Fran (27 M[ale]) is single and took us up on the plus-one offer."
"He wants to bring a girl, Dani (26 F)."
"Dani is a cam girl and Fran is a client of hers."
"Fran sometimes pays her to meet up in person and go on dates, and my wedding would be one of those times."
"I only know about the nature of their relationship because Fran started this while living with our parents and they eventually found out."
"I've only met Dani a few times, once when Fran brought her to our aunt's potluck baby shower."
"I feel like Dani's behavior during this event was really inappropriate."
"They turned up 2 hours late (by then, most of the food was gone) with no dish and Dani kept loudly complaining she was hungry the whole event."
"She took a load of the unused paper plates and straws and stuffed them into her purse without asking if she could take them."
"She also made really rude comments towards my aunt about her pregnant belly and how 'big' she is and how she should get liposuction after the baby."
"She managed to constantly make herself the center of attention by just generally being loud and unpleasant."
"This really upset our aunt."
"She vented to my mom (who wasn't at the baby shower because she was sick) about it and when my mom confronted Fran, he had a meltdown and it was never brought up again."
"I just find everything about her behavior really tacky, this plus the fact she's not even Fran's girlfriend or friend but his sex worker makes me really not want her at the wedding."
"At first I phrased it in a non-confrontational way and asked if there was anyone else he'd like to bring, like one of his friends."
"Fran said no and got really defensive, and asked me why I'd ask him that."
"He then accused me of hating Dani for no reason.'
"I told him he's welcome to bring someone else as his plus-one, but he is not to bring Dani to the wedding because I've just not liked what I've seen in her behavior at the last family event she was at."
"He said I'm being judgmental and that Dani is a nice person."
"I asked Fran to please not make this a big deal and just bring one of his friends and have a nice time with the family."
"Fran started yelling at me, he called me a stupid b*tch and said I've already offered him a plus-one so he's bringing Dani, and I can't stop him, and that I'm being a terrible sister."
"I feel like I'm going crazy because I don't think I'm being massively unreasonable, but this is the biggest fight I've ever had with Fran."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to let Fran bring Dani as his plus one to her wedding.
Everyone agreed that, regardless of their relationship or Dani's profession, Dani's past behavior was more than enough to justify the OP banning her from her wedding. Some even urged the OP to consider if Fran shouldn't be banned from the wedding as well:
"NTA."
"He called you a stupid b*tch."
"You may not be able to disinvite him due to family pressure, or maybe you don't want to because he's your brother."
"But you can absolutely take away his plus one."
"That's what I'd do; he forfeited it due to his behavior."- neoncactusfields
"NTA."
"If she wasn't a cam girl, all the other things you know about her (rude, unpleasant, loud, insulting, etc.) would be excellent reasons to not want her at the wedding."- IDontLikeGreenPeas
"NTA."
"It's ok to say 'Based on Dani's behavior at the baby shower, she is not welcome at my wedding. It has nothing to do with her occupation or the dynamics of your situation. It is entirely the consequences of her own actions'."
"It is also ok to say, 'Based on you calling me a stupid b*tch, you are not welcome either. You cannot disrespect the bride that way and still expect to be invited to the wedding'."
"Her behavior at the baby shower has exactly zero to do with her being a cam girl, and everything to do with how she chose to act as a guest at a family event."
"So focus on that."- Heathengeek
"NTA."
"You're not refusing Dani because she's a sex worker."
"You're refusing her because she's an obnoxious human being."
"Retract your invitation to your brother."
"You CAN stop him from bringing Dani."- LilLatte
"NTA."
"It's okay, you don't want your brothers' embarrassing, rude, paid escort to attend your WEDDING."
"WTF am I even reading here??"
"She sounded awful at the baby party- telling a pregnant woman at her own baby shower she'd need lipo?"
"F*ck that noise!"- Which_Translator_548
"NTA."
"Uninvite your brother."- GOPsucksA**
"NTA, and why does your brother have to pay someone to be his date?"- Trekkie-Nurse
"NTA."
"This is a hill i would die on- no way you can invite an escort to my wedding."- LunaGreen-177
"NTA at all."
"The fact that she's proven herself a bad actor at social gatherings makes it perfectly okay for you to ban her IMO, same way you could kick out any other +1 who starts making a scene."-MortemEtInteritum17
"NTA."
"Your wedding, your rules."
"Put your foot down and tell your brother he can come or not, but she will not be permitted at the ceremony or reception."
"Don't argue or debate. Remember, 'no' is a complete sentence."
"Get a couple reliable family members to play doorman and refuse her entry in case she shows."
"Away from the main entrance, and you, as it will be drama, but it will be mitigated drama you don't have to participate in."
"You do not want to spend your wedding day stressing about her and your brother."
"Her occupation is irrelevant."
"She could be his girlfriend, or wife, you'd do not have to entertain anyone who will bring you down on your day."
"I work in the wedding industry and trust me... these people are problems."- badfreesample
"NTA."
"Your brother needs to go to therapy; he's clearly in a parasocial relationship with his sex worker."
"It would be different if she were voluntarily going on dates with him, and just happened to cam girl on the side."
"But no, she's not only trashy, but he's also paying her to be trashy."
"I'd be damned if I let him bring that trashiness to my wedding."
"He needs help - therapy, an intervention, something."- The-Psych0naut
"'He then accused me of hating Dani for no reason'."
"Oh, it sounds like you have plenty of legitimate reasons to not like her."
"NTA."
"If your brother had a shred of self-awareness, he'd be embarrassed."- SpeedDemon241428
"NTA and Fran are about to get themselves uninvited."
"And no 'keeping the peace' either."- KetoLurkerHereAgain
"NTA."
"She'd be like this regardless of her job."
"I wouldn't frame it around her being a sex worker personally."
"She's a trashy person, and you don't want a trashy person around."
"She could be the CEO of a company, and if she behaved like this, it would still be unacceptable."
"Tell your bridal party you didn't invite her, and if she shows up, they have to be kicked out."
"Now I will say, there will likely be a fallout in your relationship with your brother."
"You're NTA for wanting any particular person not be at your wedding."
"It's your wedding and weddings are expensive."
"Just be prepared for this not end well between you and your brother."
"If that's a risk you're willing to take, go for it."- 2spooky4me5ever
It would be one thing if the OP weren't letting Dani come to her wedding purely because of her work.
But seeing as Dani's behavior has been borderline uncivilized at past gatherings, it's hard to imagine anyone would want her at their wedding.
If Fran chooses to skip his sister's wedding out of solidarity, one can safely, and sadly, assume he won't be missed.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp