It's very easy to rush to judgment on someone.
Something we've all been guilty of.
Be it owing to their profession, their appearance, or their personality, people will far too often dismiss someone without ever getting to know them.
On some occasions, however, people's assumptions about others will prove to be more than accurate.
Redditor Living-Blacksmith916 was planning a speedy, last-minute wedding, to which her brother was permitted to bring a plus one.
A plus one that the original poster (OP) did not want in attendance at her wedding.
When the OP told this to her brother, he took the news with anything but understanding.
Worried she may have been unfair, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for asking my brother not to bring a cam girl as his plus-one to my wedding?"
The OP explained why she drew the line with her brother's intended plus-one:
"I (29 F[emale]) am getting married in April."
"The wedding is a bit short notice as my fiancé only proposed in December, but we chose April as we got a really good price for our dream wedding venue."
"We are offering plus-ones for our single guests."
"My brother Fran (27 M[ale]) is single and took us up on the plus-one offer."
"He wants to bring a girl, Dani (26 F)."
"Dani is a cam girl and Fran is a client of hers."
"Fran sometimes pays her to meet up in person and go on dates, and my wedding would be one of those times."
"I only know about the nature of their relationship because Fran started this while living with our parents and they eventually found out."
"I've only met Dani a few times, once when Fran brought her to our aunt's potluck baby shower."
"I feel like Dani's behavior during this event was really inappropriate."
"They turned up 2 hours late (by then, most of the food was gone) with no dish and Dani kept loudly complaining she was hungry the whole event."
"She took a load of the unused paper plates and straws and stuffed them into her purse without asking if she could take them."
"She also made really rude comments towards my aunt about her pregnant belly and how 'big' she is and how she should get liposuction after the baby."
"She managed to constantly make herself the center of attention by just generally being loud and unpleasant."
"This really upset our aunt."
"She vented to my mom (who wasn't at the baby shower because she was sick) about it and when my mom confronted Fran, he had a meltdown and it was never brought up again."
"I just find everything about her behavior really tacky, this plus the fact she's not even Fran's girlfriend or friend but his sex worker makes me really not want her at the wedding."
"At first I phrased it in a non-confrontational way and asked if there was anyone else he'd like to bring, like one of his friends."
"Fran said no and got really defensive, and asked me why I'd ask him that."
"He then accused me of hating Dani for no reason.'
"I told him he's welcome to bring someone else as his plus-one, but he is not to bring Dani to the wedding because I've just not liked what I've seen in her behavior at the last family event she was at."
"He said I'm being judgmental and that Dani is a nice person."
"I asked Fran to please not make this a big deal and just bring one of his friends and have a nice time with the family."
"Fran started yelling at me, he called me a stupid b*tch and said I've already offered him a plus-one so he's bringing Dani, and I can't stop him, and that I'm being a terrible sister."
"I feel like I'm going crazy because I don't think I'm being massively unreasonable, but this is the biggest fight I've ever had with Fran."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to let Fran bring Dani as his plus one to her wedding.
Everyone agreed that, regardless of their relationship or Dani's profession, Dani's past behavior was more than enough to justify the OP banning her from her wedding. Some even urged the OP to consider if Fran shouldn't be banned from the wedding as well:
"NTA."
"He called you a stupid b*tch."
"You may not be able to disinvite him due to family pressure, or maybe you don't want to because he's your brother."
"But you can absolutely take away his plus one."
"That's what I'd do; he forfeited it due to his behavior."- neoncactusfields
"NTA."
"If she wasn't a cam girl, all the other things you know about her (rude, unpleasant, loud, insulting, etc.) would be excellent reasons to not want her at the wedding."- IDontLikeGreenPeas
"NTA."
"It's ok to say 'Based on Dani's behavior at the baby shower, she is not welcome at my wedding. It has nothing to do with her occupation or the dynamics of your situation. It is entirely the consequences of her own actions'."
"It is also ok to say, 'Based on you calling me a stupid b*tch, you are not welcome either. You cannot disrespect the bride that way and still expect to be invited to the wedding'."
"Her behavior at the baby shower has exactly zero to do with her being a cam girl, and everything to do with how she chose to act as a guest at a family event."
"So focus on that."- Heathengeek
"NTA."
"You're not refusing Dani because she's a sex worker."
"You're refusing her because she's an obnoxious human being."
"Retract your invitation to your brother."
"You CAN stop him from bringing Dani."- LilLatte
"NTA."
"It's okay, you don't want your brothers' embarrassing, rude, paid escort to attend your WEDDING."
"WTF am I even reading here??"
"She sounded awful at the baby party- telling a pregnant woman at her own baby shower she'd need lipo?"
"F*ck that noise!"- Which_Translator_548
"NTA."
"Uninvite your brother."- GOPsucksA**
"NTA, and why does your brother have to pay someone to be his date?"- Trekkie-Nurse
"NTA."
"This is a hill i would die on- no way you can invite an escort to my wedding."- LunaGreen-177
"NTA at all."
"The fact that she's proven herself a bad actor at social gatherings makes it perfectly okay for you to ban her IMO, same way you could kick out any other +1 who starts making a scene."-MortemEtInteritum17
"NTA."
"Your wedding, your rules."
"Put your foot down and tell your brother he can come or not, but she will not be permitted at the ceremony or reception."
"Don't argue or debate. Remember, 'no' is a complete sentence."
"Get a couple reliable family members to play doorman and refuse her entry in case she shows."
"Away from the main entrance, and you, as it will be drama, but it will be mitigated drama you don't have to participate in."
"You do not want to spend your wedding day stressing about her and your brother."
"Her occupation is irrelevant."
"She could be his girlfriend, or wife, you'd do not have to entertain anyone who will bring you down on your day."
"I work in the wedding industry and trust me... these people are problems."- badfreesample
"NTA."
"Your brother needs to go to therapy; he's clearly in a parasocial relationship with his sex worker."
"It would be different if she were voluntarily going on dates with him, and just happened to cam girl on the side."
"But no, she's not only trashy, but he's also paying her to be trashy."
"I'd be damned if I let him bring that trashiness to my wedding."
"He needs help - therapy, an intervention, something."- The-Psych0naut
"'He then accused me of hating Dani for no reason'."
"Oh, it sounds like you have plenty of legitimate reasons to not like her."
"NTA."
"If your brother had a shred of self-awareness, he'd be embarrassed."- SpeedDemon241428
"NTA and Fran are about to get themselves uninvited."
"And no 'keeping the peace' either."- KetoLurkerHereAgain
"NTA."
"She'd be like this regardless of her job."
"I wouldn't frame it around her being a sex worker personally."
"She's a trashy person, and you don't want a trashy person around."
"She could be the CEO of a company, and if she behaved like this, it would still be unacceptable."
"Tell your bridal party you didn't invite her, and if she shows up, they have to be kicked out."
"Now I will say, there will likely be a fallout in your relationship with your brother."
"You're NTA for wanting any particular person not be at your wedding."
"It's your wedding and weddings are expensive."
"Just be prepared for this not end well between you and your brother."
"If that's a risk you're willing to take, go for it."- 2spooky4me5ever
It would be one thing if the OP weren't letting Dani come to her wedding purely because of her work.
But seeing as Dani's behavior has been borderline uncivilized at past gatherings, it's hard to imagine anyone would want her at their wedding.
If Fran chooses to skip his sister's wedding out of solidarity, one can safely, and sadly, assume he won't be missed.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.